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    Alls Well That Ends Well In Roswell

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Top

    (I worked at a sign making company in Vancouver–AKA Hollywood North–that did a lot of work for locally produced sci-fi TV shows like The X-Files. We did a lot of signage that said things like “FBI Headquarters” that they would use to make a local library look like some kind of secret government research facility.)

    Movie Set B*tch: “OMG! We need a TEAK sign that says FBI headquarters down here at the set in three hours.”

    (Note: This job normally takes one person several days to complete with staining and whatnot.)

    Me: “Okay. We can do it but we’re going to have to charge you triple for a rush job.”

    MSB: “No problem. Just have it down here in three hours. I don’t care how much it costs.”

    Me: “Just to confirm. You want it stained to look like teak, yes?”

    MSB: “Yes. Please hurry!”

    (We get the sign done in 2.5 hours but we’re literally applying the last coat of stain to it while we drive to the studio to make sure it looks good when we get there.)

    (MSB Looks at the sign and throws a fit.)


    (I look around. The whole set is done in mahogany. Very different colour of wood, if you’re not familiar.)

    Me: *points at the mahogany set* “Do you mean this colour?”

    MSB: “YES! TEAK!”

    Me: “That’s mahogany”.


    (MSB storms off to find the director. The director comes around, looking pissed.)

    Director: “What’s the problem?”

    (MSB tells him how stupid we are and that she specifically asked for teak. The director looks at the set and at our sign.)

    Director, to MSB: “God d*mnit, you’re dumb! The set is mahogany. You were supposed to order mahogany signs!”

    MSB: *looks like she’s going to barf*

    (The director apologized to us and asked us how fast we could re-make the sign. We told him 2 hours but it was going to cost them.)

    (On the bright side, we got to have lunch with Scully and Mulder.)

    Those Pesky Twin Brothers

    | Maryville, MO, USA |

    (I am calling customers with overdue movies to remind them that they are due back.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi, this is Lynne up at Movie M**** and I was just calling to remind you that The Bourne Identity and Barnyard were both due back about 6 days ago. So, if you could get those back to–”

    Customer: “I told the guy that called last night I didn’t rent those movies!”

    Me: “Well, sir, I can give you the exact time and date they were rented, if that would help you remember…”

    Customer: “And when the hell did I supposedly rent these movies?”

    Me: “Wednesday, the 23rd at 7:13 pm.”

    Customer: “I didn’t rent them! I was out of the country last week!”

    Me: “Sir, do you have a brother?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t have a brother! Why in the hell do you want to know that?!”

    Me: “Because if you were out of the country then it must be your twin brother on the security tape renting those movies.”

    (Customer sputters for a moment.)

    Me: “If you can get those back to us before we close tonight at 10 pm, there will be no further late charges.”

    Customer: “Okay.” *hangs up*

    The Joy Of Sex(ism), Part 2

    , | Akron, OH, USA |

    (I’m a girl, and I work in a video game store.)

    Dude: “Are you guys hiring?”

    Me: “No, we just let some people go actually.”

    Dude: “Oh, I assumed they were desperate. I mean, they hired a girl.”

    Me: “I’ve worked here for 3 years.”

    Dude: “Oh, well can I ask the manager anyway?”

    Me: “Sure, he’s standing right over there.” *points to next register*

    Manager: “Don’t even ask. You just insulted my assistant manager.”

    The Joy Of Sex(ism)

    Not Quite What Disney Had In Mind

    | Billings, MT, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Cinemas. How can I help you?”

    Some Stoner: “Yeah. Do you have any funny movies?”

    Me: “Sure…”

    (I go through the list of comedies.)

    Stoner: “Oh. I watched Toy Story today while I was high. That was pretty funny, seeing those toys running around all f**ked up. Do you have anything like that?”

    (I put down the phone for a moment to stifle my laugh.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we do not have any drug-induced movies playing right now.”

    Stoner: “Oh. Well, uh…I’m gonna watch Toy Story 2 now.”

    (Stoner hangs up.)

    The Great Doll Heist of ’08

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    (I was working in the back, getting things ready for the next floor set, and I had to pull some mannequins from the floor and dress them. I was dragging one of the full body forms towards the back, when a customer approached me.)

    Her: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

    (Note that I’m wearing the uniform and I still have a headset in my ear.)

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m stealing this mannequin.”

    Her: “Oh, okay. thanks.”

    (She turns around to find someone else to help her.)

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