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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Who Needs History When You Have Hollywood

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA | Bigotry, History

    (A tourist walks up to my register with a handful of trinkets. I ring her up, she pays, I bag the items, and hand her the coin change. As she steps away, I see a dollar still on the counter.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you forgot the rest of your change.”

    Tourist: “Oh! I guess I did, unless you were paying me in pesos.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Tourist: “Pesos. The money in Mexico.”

    Me: “I know what a peso is, ma’am, but I’m not Mexican.”

    Tourist: “Puerto Rican?”

    Me: “Not even close.”

    Tourist: “Cuban?”

    Me: “No.”

    Tourist: “What are you, then?”

    Me: “I’m Native American.”

    Tourist: “So am I.” (She’s white as notebook paper.)

    Me: “No, I mean the people here before white people.”

    Tourist: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “You don’t know about Natives? Indians?”

    Tourist: “Oh, you mean the people John Wayne killed off.”

    Me: “Just take your change.”

    … And We Wonder Why Everyone Hates Us

    Red + Blue = Purple (Bruises)

    , | Central Illinois, USA |

    (It’s a slow night at our fast food/sandwich shop, so we’re chatting with the customers. ¬†This particular customer is a regular, and is discussing birthday presents with my coworker.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I got my kids guns for their birthdays!”

    Coworker: “How old are they?!”

    Customer: “In their 20s.”

    Coworker, shocked: “But guns kill people!”

    Customer: “Well, they may need to protect themselves someday, you know.”

    Coworker: “From what? Wild animals?”

    Customer: “No, from Democrats!”

    (My coworker gets very offended, and a rather loud debate ensues between them as I try helplessly to control my laughter.)

    Not Dyed Dark Enough, Apparently

    | Yukon, Canada |

    (My father does all sorts of contracting work from plumbing to construction. This is a phone call he had with a customer whose home he’s worked at before.)

    Customer: “I went to take a shower and there’s no hot water in the bathroom. I want you to come over and fix it.”

    Him: “No hot water? Is there any water coming from the faucet at all?”

    Customer: “Well, I turned it a little bit and no water came out!”

    Him: “Okay. Go into the kitchen, and turn on the tap in the sink there. Tell me if you get any water. ”

    Customer: *long pause* “… okay, I get water on this tap.”

    Him: “Is it running hot?”

    Customer: “Yes, it is.”

    Him: “Well, the hot water is all on the same line, so the kitchen sink and the shower should have hot water. Are you sure you turned the tap on far enough?”

    Customer: “Now listen here! I may be blond but I dye my hair! I have dark roots, you know! I’d know whether or not I turned on the tap far enough, and I know I did!”

    (She hangs up, and a few minutes pass. The phone rings again.)

    Him: “Hello?”

    Customer: “The hot water’s working in the shower now. I just didn’t turn on the tap for long enough…”

    Don’t Press Your Luck

    , | Lowell, MA, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ***, may I take your order?”

    Drive-thru customer: “Yeah, I’ll take the double cheeseburger.”

    Me: “Okay, would you like to make it a value meal?”


    Me: “Fine, that will be $1.87 at window two.”

    (He drives up, I take his money and hand him the food.)

    Drive-thru customer: “I’m gonna need ketchup for the fries.”

    Me: “Sir, you only ordered the sandwich, not the value meal. I can ring up an order of fries now if you’d like.”

    Drive-thru customer: “No, you screwed up my order! I’m NOT paying for extra fries!”

    (Fed up, I throw some fries in a bag and hand them to him.)

    Customer: “Wait, is it too late to substitute onion rings??”

    Me: *slams window shut*

    He Obviously Gets His Smarts From Mom

    | New Lenox, IL, USA |

    Little Boy: “Can I have a medium Icee?”

    Me: “Sure! ¬†That’ll be $1.48.”

    (The little boy hands me $1.50 and I give him his change.  He scampers off to get his Icee as his dad stomps up.)

    Dad: “Can I get another medium Icee for my daughter?”

    Me: “Sure, It’s $1.48.”

    (The dad pays and I give him his cup.  By this time the boy is back, happily drinking his Icee and standing next to his dad.)

    Dad: (rudely) “WELL?! Where’s my Icee!?”

    Me: (confused) “Uh, the cup is right there, sir.”

    (The little boy is trying to get his dad’s attention to tell him where the Icee machine is located (it’s self serve). However, the dad is ignoring him and yelling at me.)


    Me: “Sir, the machine is around the corner.”

    Dad: “Finally! God, are you simple or something?!”

    Me: “!?”

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