October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Marriage: The Ultimate Slippery Slope

, | East Greenwich, RI, USA | Top

(I work in the shipping and receiving department of a furniture store, where customers ring a bell so I can give them their box. We also have a loading dock for semi’s.)

Outside: *BANG! BANG!*

(Alarmed, I go to the loading dock where I see an E-class Mercedes sliding repeatedly down the icy incline and crashing into the building.)

Me: “Sir! Sir! What are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m trying to pick up my f***ing table! You call this customer pick-up?”

Me: “No, Sir. We call this the loading dock. The customer service door is right over here.” *points at door*

Customer: “F***! Would you come down here and help push my car up the grade while I floor it?”

Me: “Sir, that incline is solid ice. If I slip or your car slides down, I could be killed. So, no, I won’t do that.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Just ring this bell over here when you get out.”

(After a few more minutes and several more crashing noises, the bell rings. I open the door and it’s the same customer standing outside.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need this.” *hands me slip*

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll have that ready right here for you. Would you like some help getting it into the car?”

Customer: “F*** you!”

(The customer takes the box by himself and attempts to fit box into his back seat but fails, as it’s filled with various items. He pulls out a child’s stroller and throws it across the road and into the woods, where it catches and hangs on a tree branch. He then proceeds to throw all other items in his car out onto road. The whole time, his wife is standing with me and watching.)

Customer’s wife: “Here you go.” *gives me a $10 tip*

Me: “Good luck with that guy.”

Customer’s wife: “Yeah, thanks. He’s still got to put that table together!”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Someone’s Sleeping On The Tarmac Tonight

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Top

(Around 12:30 am at the airport, a young woman in her mid-20’s strolls up to me at the check-in counter.)

Me: “How are you this morning?”

Female customer: “Alright. How early can I check in for a morning flight?”

Me: “Using the kiosk boarding pass printers, you can check in up to 5 hours early, but you won’t be able to drop off your bag until we open again around 5 am. What flight are you on?”

Female customer: “My name is *** and I’m on the 6:30 flight to Winnipeg. My fiance just broke up for me because of an argument that’s his fault. He just up and left, so I thought I’s come here and see. We are still on the same flight, too.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Well, at least you are on separate reservations. Did you want to go later?”

Female customer: “No, I just want to get out of here. Is there a bar or anything open around here?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only thing open is the Tim Hortons, which is one floor below us, and the Mac’s stores on either end of the terminal.”

Female customer: “Okay. Is there anywhere to sleep?”

Me: “Sure, just head up to the third floor. There are some very comfy chairs, and it’s nice and quiet.”

Female customer: “Thanks…” *leaves*

(About ten minutes later, one of my coworkers calls a guy in his late 20’s up to her podium. I overhear their conversation…)

Coworker: “Where are you off to?”

Male customer: “Winnipeg at 6:30 am.”

Coworker: “Okay. You won’t be able to checkin until 5 hours prior, and you won’t be able to drop your bags until we open again around 5 am.”

(I know where this is going, so I walk over to the counter and chime in.)

Me: “Can I ask you a very personal question?”

Male customer: “Okay?”

Me: “Did you just break up with your fiance?”

Male customer: *surprised* “How do you know!”

Me: “I just talked to her about 10 minutes ago. She is here at the airport.”

Male customer: “F***! Where is she?”

Me: “I sent her downstairs to the Tim Hortons, and then to the third floor to sleep.”

Male customer: “Where should I go?”

Me: “If you stay on this floor, you should be okay. Just head down the terminal further by the other airlines. She won’t look for you there.”

Male customer: “F***! We’re on the same flight too!”

Me: “I know. Good luck!”

Oh, You Slay Me

| Tucson, AZ, USA | Top

Me: “Will that be cash or credit/debit?”

Customer: “Debit.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to see your ID.”

Customer: “I don’t have an ID.”

Me: “Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to choose another payment method. There’s an ATM right down the–”

Customer: *suddenly grinning* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’ YA! I have my ID right here.” *shows me her ID*

Me: “Oh, haha. Alright. This all looks fine.”

Customer: *cheerfully* “I have that kinda sense of humor where people don’t know I’m joking.”

Me: “Oh, I have that problem occasionally myself.” *laughs*

Customer: *laughs, suddenly turns serious* “I kill people.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Every other customer who overheard: “…”

Customer: *guffawing* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’! Have a good day, blondie!”

All Roads Lead To Rome China

| San Jose, CA, USA | Top

(A customer is looking at our lamp displays).

Customer: “Where in China are these made?”

Me: “They’re not made in China; they’re all made in Italy.”

Customer: “But where in China are these made?”

Me: “They’re not made in China. All these lamps are made in Italy.”

Customer: “But where in China are these made?!”

Me: “None of these lamps are made in China. They’re made in Italy. It’s a country in Europe.”

Customer: “But where in China are these made?!”

Even Galaxon Spaceways Charges Extra For Luggage Nowadays

| Melrose, MA, USA | Uncategorized

(I work for an answering service where we get calls from tenants after hours with requests for the maintenance man.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m in apartment 12. I need to leave a message for the maintenance man.”

Me: “Sure, and what’s the message?”

Customer: “Well, I’m leaving for awhile. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I need to know that he’ll keep an eye on my stuff.”

Me: “Okay, is that all?”

Customer: “Yeah, I think so. See, I’m leaving the planet tomorrow.”

Me: “Um…excuse me?”

Customer: “I’m leaving the planet. Problem is, I’m only allowed to bring one suitcase, and I have a lot of stuff in my apartment! I just need to know that it will be safe while I’m gone.”

Me: “Okay, so you want me to tell the maintenance man to watch your stuff until you return from outer space?”

Customer: “Exactly! Thank you so much for being so sweet!”

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