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    When In Doubt, Kick ‘Em Out

    , | Inglewood, CA, USA |

    (A customer comes in to a video game store, obviously angry.)

    Customer: “Hello, I’m here to return these two games.”

    (Hands me the two games and the receipt.)

    Customer: “For this game, I want my money back; for this DS game, I want a different game. It’s the same price so I don’t have to pay the difference.”"

    Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

    (I scan the receipt and fill out the return information.)

    Me: “Ma’am, your total will be $19.56.”

    Customer: “What?!?!?! Why is it going to be so much if it’s the same price as the other DS game?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you got this game for free.”

    Customer: “If I would’ve paid for it, it would have been the same price so I don’t owe nothing!”

    Me: “You didn’t pay anything for this game, so you won’t get anything back.”

    Customer: “But if I would’ve paid for it, it would’ve been the same price. Let me speak to your manager.”

    (I call my manager.)

    Manager: “Well ma’am, as my employee was saying, you didn’t pay anything for this game. Therefore, you will not get your money back for something you didn’t pay for.”

    Customer: “But if I would’ve paid for it–”

    Manager: “You paid nothing for this game.”

    Customer: “But if I would’ve paid–”

    Manager: “Get out of my store.”

    Customer: *walks out in a huff*

    Natural Selection In Action

    , | New Jersey, USA |

    (A man walks in and is very excited about getting a cheese steak.)

    Customer: “Let me get everything on that, but no tomatoes!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, it doesn’t come with tomatoes.”

    Customer: “Good! No tomatoes though, man. Absolutely no tomatoes! I’m allergic to tomatoes, man.”

    Me: “Not a problem.”

    Customer: “Good. Just make sure there’s no tomatoes ’cause I’m really allergic to them and I could die. If you put tomatoes on there it will kill me!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Customer: “Now let me get extra ketchup.”

    Me: “…”

    A Customer And A Blowtorch: This Cannot End Well

    | Prince George, BC, Canada |

    (At our store, we sell mostly tool related items. At the time, I worked in the welding section, and was letting a customer try out a few welding. He was trying a MIG welder, which requires you to be quite close to the work.)

    Customer: “Why isn’t this working?” (Holds torch about three feet from work.)

    Me: “Well, you have to hold it about an inch away from the work for it to work.”

    Customer: “Why isn’t it working?” (He has it about a foot away now.)

    Me: “Closer…”

    Customer: (Six inches.)

    Me: “Closer…”

    Customer: (Three inches.)

    Me: “Closer…”

    Customer: “Why isn’t it working!” (He has just welded the torch to the work.)

    Me: “Not that close!!!!”

    (This goes on for a good 20 minutes, even after I ran a beautiful bead for him at the right distance.)

    Coworkers: They Make Life Worth Living

    | Newfoundland, Canada |

    Tourist: “I saw a sign that said historic downtown, what’s down there?”

    (To the best of my knowledge, no such sign exists so I’m already confused.)

    Me: “Uh, a few churches and shops.”

    Tourist: “Oh, how do I get to the lighthouse?”

    Me: “You go through downtown.”

    Tourist: “I don’t want to go through downtown!”

    Me: “Sorry, but that’s how you get there.”

    Tourist: “Is there another way to get there?”

    Annoyed coworker: “You could fly there on your broom!”

    (The tourist looks shocked and storms out.)

    Gotta Love Them DIY ‘Puters

    , | London, ON, Canada | Top

    (I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “The computer tower.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    (I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about 3 more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

    Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

    Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

    Customer: “A what?”

    Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

    Me: “So…you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

    Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

    Me: “…”

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