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    A Simple Go To H*ll Would Have Sufficed

    | Stillwater, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Direct Sales. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I need a power cord for my product.”

    Me: “I would be happy to place your order. I just need you to read me the three numbers from the front of the product.”

    Caller: “Talk to my wife, I can’t read…”

    (In the background, I overhear the following…)

    Caller: “Get on the phone!”

    Caller’s wife: “You are Satan! When spiritual warfare happens, I will have more angels on my side because you are evil and no one loves you!”

    (The wife then comes on the phone and very calmly gives me the number, her address, credit card info and then hangs up.)

    Related:
    A Simple Hello Would Have Sufficed

    The Less They Know, The Better

    | Ontario, Canada, USA |

    (The customer decides to buy two children’s face towels, one for each child. They are $3.50 each, but you can get three for $7.00.)

    Me: “Just so you know, you can get three towels for $7.”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    Me: “You are paying $7 anyway, since they’re $3.50 each…”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Essentially, if you buy two, you get a third one free!”

    Customer: “Free?”

    Me: “Yeah, one for yourself!”

    Customer: “I don’t want one!”

    Me: “Well, it’s an extra one for the kids, or you can give it away, or give it to me.” *I laugh lightly*

    Customer: “If I get three, I’ll have to get a fourth, or the kids will fight.”

    Me: “Ah, you can get a fourth one for only $2.33, because you get the discount if you buy three or more.”

    Customer: “But you said the third one is free!”

    Me: “It’s essentially free. When you get three or more, you’re actually paying $2.33 for each one, instead of $3.50. It works out the same.”

    Customer: “So I’m paying for it, even though it’s free?”

    Me: “The deal is actually three for $7, seven divided by three is $2.33; you end up paying only $2.33 for each one instead of $3.50.”

    Customer: “Whoa, so the first two are $3.50, the third one is free, and the fourth one is $2.33?”

    Me: “You could look at it that way, I guess…”

    Customer: “You guys have confusing prices, I’m getting a headache!”

    (The customer asks the kids if they want another one. They get excited and pick out two more. I scan them. Each one shows up at $3.50 each, but the computer discounts them automatically at the end).

    Customer: “Hey, they all scanned at $3.50!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, the discount is applied at the end.”

    Customer: “You’re trying to rip me off!”

    Me: “I’m not, see your subto–”

    Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

    (The customer grabs the children, who start crying because they really wanted the face towels.)

    At Least She Was Honest

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    (I get a service call to go out to a customer’s house to service a malfunctioning laptop. I was talking to my boss and he gave me the run down of the call.)

    Me: “Alright, so what exactly does the customer want?”

    Supervisor: “She says her laptop isn’t turning on, and there might be something wrong with her LCD screen.”

    Me: “Ok, sounds like a hardware problem. Did she tell you why all this is going on?”

    Supervisor: “Well…she was completely honest with me.”

    Me: “?”

    Supervisor: “She got angry and threw it against a concrete wall in a fit of rage.”

    Me: “…I’ll take care of it.”

    Must Be From Orange County

    | Catalina Island, CA | Top

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “What time does the island close?”

    Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

    Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”

    Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

    Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”

    Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”

    Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

    Fortunately, Stupidity Is Not Tax Deductible

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (During a heated debate in my Sociology class about the pros and cons of immigration, the discussion turned to illegal immigration.)

    Student: “I pay my taxes. If I have to pay sales tax, I think they should too!”

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