Jokes From Down Under Are Just Too Alien

| Bremerton, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling . How can I help you?”

Caller: “Have you seen District 9?”

Me: “Yes, I have. Do have questions about it?”

Caller: “Is this some sort of Australian joke?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Caller: “All this movie has been is interviews with government people and aliens wearing brassieres! Am I watching some weird special feature or is this some kind of Australian joke?”

Me: “Well, the movie is in a documentary style and that definitely sounds like the beginning of the movie. If you want, you can come down to the store and exchange it for no charge.”

Caller: “Thank you very much. Those Australians have a weird sense of humor, man. I should know…I used to be married to a Brit and they’re strange, too!”

Me: “All right, sir you have a good night.”

Caller: “OK. I will put in a decent movie now which is not an Australian joke.”

Canada: America’s Hat

| Boston, MA, USA | Canada

(The customer’s total is $9.67. She hands me a ten dollar bill and three Canadian quarters.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t accept this change.”

Customer: “Why not? It’s 67 cents and I gave you 75.”

Me: “Right, but this is Canadian currency.”

Customer: “So? They’re still quarters.”

Me: “Right, but they’re Canadian Quarters. I can’t accept foreign currency.”

Customer: “Canada’s not foreign! It’s in America!”

Nails, Not Files

| Houston, TX, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “This is [hardware store], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, do you guys carry an Asus [followed by a long string of abbreviations and numbers] Sound Card?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: *repeats*

Me: “What is that used for?”

Caller: “So you can get sound from your speakers.”

Me: “Like on a computer?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Wrong kind of hardware, buddy.”

Low IQ On The High Seas

| San Juan, Puerto Rico | Uncategorized

(A cruise ship passenger approaches me at the purser’s main guest services desk.)

Passenger:“This sure is a big boat. I’ve been lost three times already today. Do you have a map?”

Me:“Yes sir, here you are. There are also maps and signs posted throughout the ship on the walls, and you can always ask our staff or crew for directions until you get the feel for the layout.”

Passenger:“Oh, you’ve got such wonderful crew! I don’t ask directions. I don’t want to seem stupid. How many people fit on this boat?”

Me:“We can carry just about 5,000 passengers and have a crew of nearly 2,000 people.”

Passenger:“And do the crew stay on board with us?”

Re-Vamping Dracula

| El Paso, TX, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, I need to get a refund for this book. You gave me the wrong book.”

Me: “Didn’t you ask for Dracula?”

Customer: “No! I read this book and it is nothing like the movie.”

Me: “Actually, Francis Ford Coppola completely re-wrote the story when he filmed his version of Dracula. I can help you find that version, if you’d like.”

Customer: “No! I want the Van Helsing version.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Yeah, in Van Helsing, Van Helsing is the main character and he fights Dracula and Frankenstein.”

Me: “That film is a complete work of fiction. Van Helsing never fought Frankenstein or Frankenstein’s monster.”

Customer: “Yes he did! The movie said so! What do you know?”

Me: “Bram Stroker was a little boy when Mary Shelley died, so she never read Dracula.”

Customer: “I think you are lying. The movie and Hugh Jackman would never lie!” *storms off*

Customer #2: *overhearing* “I hate Hollywood.”

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