October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

| Israel | Top

Me: “Hey there mate, what can I get ya?”

Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

Customer: “Why’d you put f***ing ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f***ing ice!”

Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

Customer: “Whiskey?”

Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

Customer: “How you make it?”

Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

Customer: “How f***ing dare you?!”

Me: “Do you know what on the rocks also means?”

Customer: “No! What?!”

(The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

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Science, Stripped Down To A Soundbite

| Long Island, NY, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “The counter is wet.”

Me: “Oh, it’s from condensation.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “When someone takes the milk out of the refrigerator, and it starts to become room temperature…it drips…”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “It’s water.”

Customer: “Oh!”

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served By Wives

| Richmond, VA, USA | Top

(At the nursing home where I work, we can sell lunches to visitors, but can’t sell them after 11:00. It’s a bummer, but usually people are understanding.)

Customer: “I need to buy a lunch.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but we can’t sell lunches after 11:00.”

Customer: “Why not? ”

Me: “Well, it’s so that the kitchen knows how many trays to have ready by lunchtime. They start on dinner almost as soon as lunch is served.”

Customer: “Well, I’m hungry.”

Me: “I really am sorry. I wish I could help, but lunch was served two hours ago. We do have a vending machine, and there are a couple of fast food places nearby.”

Customer: “Are you stupid?”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I will sue you guys!”

Me: “I really am sorry.”

Customer: “I will sue you! Your lunch policy is ridiculous! This is what happens when little girls like you work in men’s jobs!”

Me: “A man’s job?”

Customer: “Yes! Since you obviously can’t do it since you’re a fifteen-year-old girl.”

Me: “I’m twenty-one, sir.”

Customer: “Then why aren’t you married?”

Me: “…because my boyfriend hasn’t asked me yet?”

Customer: “You should get married, get out of here, and let a man do your job.”

Me: “…my job as a receptionist?”

Customer: “He’d do it right! I am going to the biggest man here and complaining about your policies!”

Me: “The biggest man here is a woman, sir.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Everyone in our business office is female, and so is our administrator.”

Customer: “This place is doomed!”

(Half an hour later, I ended up buying him a turkey sandwich from a nearby deli when I went out to get my own lunch. Not surprisingly, he didn’t thank me. However, this cloud has a silver lining: I also met his wife, who smacked him upside the head and called him a jacka**.)

I Junk Mailed To Say I Love You

| Reno, NV, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [wireless company]! How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, you sent me an ad and I want to let you know I’m very happy with the service I’m getting with a competitor, so I don’t need your services.”

Me: “Of course, sir. Would you like to be taken off our mailing?”

Customer: “Now, just a minute there, just a minute! I want to thank you for thinking of me. Nobody ever sends me anything in the mail these days, so I want to thank you for sending me things. I don’t want your services, but I’d like you to keep sending me the ads.”

Me: “You don’t want to buy anything from us, but you want to keep receiving the advertisements? Am I understanding you correctly?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s correct. Thank you for thinking of me.”

Me: “Um, you’re welcome, sir! We’d be happy to keep sending you things in the mail, if that’s what you want.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

No Moviegoer Left Behind

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Uncategorized

(At the box office where I work, the customers have a bad habit of not reading the marquees for the names of their movie. Here are a few of the better ones:)

Customer: “What’s Gadjicka about?” (Gothika)

Customer: “I’d like two tickets for El Scorpio.” (The Scorpion King)

Customer: “Is that Luxj movie any good?” (The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, abbreviated as LXG)

Customer: “How dare you show a movie called School of C***?!” (School of Rock)

Customer: “Can I have three for Legally Blind 2?” (Legally Blonde 2)

(Best minimum wage job EVER.)

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