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  • The True Appliance Of Science
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    If By “Everyone”, You Mean Morons Like Yourself

    | Breda, The Netherlands |

    Customer: “I got just back from my vacation and all of a sudden my internet connection isn’t working anymore. Have you got a technical problem in my area or something.”

    Me: “No ma’am, as far as I know there aren’t any problems at this moment. Can you check which status lights are burning on your modem?”

    (Now this is a standard check we do to troubleshoot; it’s very easy to tackle when something’s going wrong.)

    Customer: “Alright, well, all lights are off. Are you sure there couldn’t be a problem on your side?”

    Me: “No miss, there aren’t any problems. I checked it when you were checking the status lights. But they were all off, you said?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there wasn’t a light burning on my modem. What could that mean?”

    Me: “Well, that could mean two things: Either the modem is broken or…”

    Customer: “No, it can’t be broken, it’s almost brand new! You just want me to buy a new one so that it’s not your problem anymore, am I right?”

    Me: “Well, to be honest: You’re not. I didn’t even finish my sentence yet. I said the modem COULD be broken, and if it’s broken and still brand new you’ll get a new one. The problem could also be that the power plug isn’t connected to the outlet properly. Maybe you’ve forgotten to plug it in after you came home from your holiday?”

    Customer: “Are you implying that I’m so dumb that I’d forget that? It’s just broken so send me a new one!”

    Me: “No, I’m not. But could you please check it, just to be sure?”

    Customer: “Alright then…”

    (After a minute.)

    Customer: “Yeah, you were right, it wasn’t connected. But I’m sure this could happen to everyone!”

    Me: “I suppose so. Have a nice day!”

    …And Stupidity Resolves Itself

    | Maine, USA |

    Large Woman 1: “This is not my ice cream, I ordered the butter pecan! It’s simple–just scoop ice cream!”

    Large Woman 2: “This is not my ice cream either, I ordered the maple walnut! How d*** complicated is it to give people the right ice cream?”

    (Glancing at both of their ice creams, I realize that the problem was their fault, because they just took each other’s ice cream.)

    Me: “Yeah, complicated…”

    (I walked out back and looked at them on the security camera, until they realized they were the idiots, and left.)

    Ahh, Youth

    | Hartford, CT, USA | Top

    (A teen girl walks through security and collects her belongings.)

    Teen: “Excuse me sir, what did you do with my purse?”

    Worker: “I’m sure it came through ma’am, just look around for it.”

    Teen, in a condescending tone: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you would find my purse that went through YOUR machine that YOU lost. Thats your job you know, now reach up in the machine and feel around for it.”

    Worker #2: “Umm, your purse is on your arm.”

    Teen: “Oh…” *walks away*

    Breaking The Terms of Service, LA-Style

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

    Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

    Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless internet.”

    Me: “Alright, how much range do you need cover?”

    Customer, dead serious: “From here to Santa Monica.”

    (Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

    Me: “Alright, let’s start over. This time I’ll be from the future.”

    Singleminded

    , | Watertown, NY, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah I’d like a pound of cajun chicken.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir but we don’t carry cajun chicken, would you like some buffalo chicken in substitute?”

    Customer: “Which cajun chicken do you have?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir but we don’t serve cajun chicken.”

    (My night manager is standing next to me. This guy goes on three more times, calm as can be, demanding cajun chicken.)

    Manager: “Sir…we don’t…would you like the santa fe chicken?”

    Customer: “I’d like the cajun chicken, where is your cajun chicken?”

    Me: *palmface*

    Manager: *slices santa fe chicken and wishes him a nice day*

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