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    A Whale Of A Story

    | Alaska, USA | Top

    Tourist: “Are you from here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Tourist: “We are here to see the whales.”

    Me: “Oh, that sounds exciting.”

    Tourist: “So is there some little place known only to locals where you can watch the whales lay their eggs?”

    Me: *trying not to die laughing* “Um…yes there is, but we really aren’t supposed to tell the tourists.”

    Tourist: “Come on, please? We’ve come a long way. There’s big tip in it for you.”

    Me: “Well, okay. If you go down to the beach around 2am, make really loud whale calls and wave your arms around, it will make them feel welcome. They will swim up to you, dig a hole in the sand with their fins and lay their eggs.”

    (I always wondered if she went.)

    Step One: Stay Away From The Computer

    | United Kingdom |

    (I’m meeting a client’s boss face to face, after only contact via email thus far.)

    Client’s Boss: “So you are the guy sending technical emails to one of my teams!”

    Me: “Sorry, I don’t follow.”

    Client’s Boss: “You sent a bunch of emails filled with technical jargon when all they wanted was some help with their system.”

    Me: “It wasn’t technical, it was just a step by step guide on how to zip a file and send it via email. I checked it with my colleagues to make sure it was easy to understand.”

    Client’s Boss: “But the team wanted to save space on their server, not do programming. You have to understand that many of them are older and don’t understand how to use computers!”

    (So they don’t know how to use computers, and yet they use them everyday…scary.)

    Bird Brained, Part 2

    | Santa Cruz, CA, USA |

    (I had just finished giving a 45 minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)

    Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”

    Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”

    Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”

    Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”

    Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”

    Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*

    Related:
    Bird Brained

    Pepperoni And A Side Of Dentures, Please

    , | Oregon, USA |

    Me: “[Pizza place], what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a large cheese pizza.”

    Me: “Great. Anything else for you today?”

    Customer: “Um…yeah. Could you undercook that? Most of the people eating the pizza don’t have teeth.”

    I Bet It’s Dying From Stupid Owneritis

    | Sao Paulo, Brazil |

    (I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

    Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

    Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

    Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

    Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

    Me: “Your…what?”

    Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

    (I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

    Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

    Me: “…for what?”

    Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

    Me: “You could too if you had just hang up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

    Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

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