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    Captain Obvious’ Revenge

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK |

    Customer: “How cold is the Extra Cold Guinness?”

    Me: “Colder than the regular Guinness.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it.”

    (Customer takes a sup of his pint.)

    Customer: “It just tastes like regular Guinness, but colder!”

    Me: “…yup.”

    Related:
    The Son Of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious Strikes Back
    The Return of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious To The Rescue
    Belaboring The Obvious

    Yum, Bible Ham Paste

    | Suffolk, VA, USA |

    (I use to work in a deli at a grocery story. This story takes place there.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want the extra cheap-a** ham.”

    Me: “How thin do you want that?”

    Customer: “Bible-paper thin.”

    Me: “Um…ok?”

    (It should be noted that slicing the “extra cheap-a** ham” too thin results not in ham, but in a ham-like paste)

    Me: “Here you go.”

    Customer: “You call that thin? You obviously aren’t a religious man, I can see.”

    Me: “Ok…”

    (I ended up giving him about $3.00 worth of ham paste and he walked away happy, so I guess it all worked out.)

    Comes With Free Broadsword

    , | Connecticut, USA |

    (I’m working drive through when the headset beeps.)

    Me:: “Hi, welcome to *** Donuts, what can I get you?”

    Customer:: “Hi, I’ll have a barbarian cream!”

    Me:: “…a what?”

    Customer: “A barbarian cream!”

    Me: “…you mean a Bavarian cream?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that!”

    Stupidity Exemplified

    | Niagara Falls, NY, USA | Top

    (I was working in the seasonal section of a large bulk retail chain. It was Christmas time and we sold large sets of decorative houses with lights in them.)

    Customer: “Hi, I would like to purchase one of these…” *points to a house set* “…but there aren’t anymore underneath it. Where are the others stored?”"

    (I use my price gun to check the quantities of said item.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, it appears we are sold out.”

    Customer: “Oh, well then I’ll just take this one.” *points to the display unit*

    Me: “Oh, that’s just a display unit. That one isn’t for sale.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, this is one of those specific items that we are given a temporary display unit from the vendor that we have to send back at the end of the season.”

    Customer: “So why can’t I buy it?”

    Me: “Well, it’s not ours to sell. It is rented from the people who made the set.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand why I can’t buy it!”

    Me: “It does not belong to us. We cannot sell what does not belong to us.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “…what kind of car do you drive?”

    Customer: “A 2000 Focus, why?”

    Me, to a passing customer: “Sir, would you like to buy a 2000 Focus?”

    Customer: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Selling your car.”

    Customer: “Why? It’s MY car!”

    Me: “Well, I didn’t think ownership made a difference to you.”

    (She then stormed off to talk to a manager who told her I would be taken care of. He then proceeded to buy me a piece of pizza for making his day.)

    It’s Not Exactly Rocket Science…

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (A middle age woman comes up to the counter.)

    Woman: “Your machine is broken! It will only copy the first page of my packet and now I have 50 copies of the first page and I’m not paying for them!”

    Me: “No problem ma’am, I can credit your card for the copies. Let’s see if I can fix it.”

    (When I get to the copier I see that she has laid the entire stack of papers on the glass.)

    Me, trying not to laugh: “If you would like the machine to copy the whole stack automatically you need to place it in the feeder tray, not just set it on the glass.”

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