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    Me Customer, Me Hungry

    , | Sacramento, CA, USA |

    (A new delivery driver mistakenly delivered the wrong pizza. This is the phone call I got about it, as the manager on duty.)

    Customer: “Hi, I ordered a pizza from you guys a while ago, and they delivered the wrong one.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry! What was your order?”

    Customer: “Mushrooms and green onions… the one we got had sausage. We can’t eat sausage! We’re vegetarians!”

    Me: “Okay, do you still have the pizza? We can come by and switch them for you.”

    Customer: “No, we ate it.”

    Me: “You ate it?”

    Customer: “Yes! Now, I’d like to get my money back. It was the wrong pizza.”

    Me: “So… you want me to give you your money back… for a pizza you already ate.”

    Customer: “Well we didn’t LOOK at it, we just ate it.”

    (Eventually we settled the deal by giving the customer some in-store credit. Who doesn’t look at a pizza before they start shoveling it into their mouths?)

    I Can So See This On Broadway

    , | Willow Grove, PA, USA |

    (I’m hurrying to the bathroom as an Asian couple starts flailing at me.)

    Me: “How can I he–”

    Customers: “FAXMACHEEEEE!”

    Me: “A fax machine?”

    Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEEEEE!”

    Me: “Okay… well, if you follow me over here, I’ll show you what we have.”

    (I lead the customer over to the single fax machine that we carried at that point.)

    Female Customer: *staring at me confused* “FAXMACHEEE?!”

    Me: “Yes, that’s a fax machi–”

    Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEE?!”

    Me: “Are you trying to ask if we carry any other fax machines?”

    Male Customer: *stares blankly at me for a few moments*

    Female Customer: *nods frantically* “FAXMACHEEEE!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this is the only one we carry currently.”

    Male Customer: “… faxmachee?” *hangs head and walks away with female customer*

    Insert Sex Euphemism Here

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Top

    (I get a lot of funny calls, and most of the time, I can stay calm and professional through the call. This is the only one I’ve had where I needed to hit the ‘mute’ button. Thankfully, he was talking about the website–I eventually needed to dispatch a tech.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling Internet Tech Support, Emily speaking.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was looking at this porn site, and now I can’t get it up anymore.”

    Me: “…”

    A Leaf Blower And An Acetylene Torch Should Do The Trick

    , | Denver, CO, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, do you sell hair dryers?”

    Me: “Um, this is a hardware store.”

    Customer: “Yes, yes, I know that. Do you sell them?”

    Me: “No, we sell hardware here. But I’m sure the Target up the road sells hair dryers.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll just look around a bit.”

    (About ten minutes later…)

    Customer: “You could have TOLD me you only sold tools and nails here, BEFORE I wasted my time. Now I’ll have to go to Target!”

    Righteousness And Hyprocisy, Sitting In A Tree

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I was ringing this ladies order up and the entire order consisted of chicken, pork chops, t-bones and rib eyes.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Your total is going to be [over $200].”

    Customer: “Now before I pay you, I have to say something…”

    Me: “Okay?”

    Customer: “I know this has no reflection on you and you more than likely can’t do anything about it, but ***** has no right to sell live animals.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

    (I start chuckling a little. We only sell live gold fish as feeder fish for people’s piranhas and Oscars.)

    Customer: “Well, what on earth can be so funny about me saying that?”

    Me: “Weeelllll, you really had no problem buying the dead animals we sell.”

    Customer: “As a charter member of PETA, I resent everything you just said to me. Not only does this store sell live animals, but it sells dead ones too?”

    Me: “Well, yes, ma’am. We sell pork, chicken, beef, bison, and several different types of fish.”

    Customer: “And you see no problem with this?!”

    Me: “Well you see, ma’am, as a card carrying member of the NRA, the only problem I can see is that they don’t also offer to cook it for me too.”

    (She stormed off without ever paying for her stuff. My manager wound up writing me up for being less than courteous.)

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