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    Maybe If You Click Your Heels Three Times

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to the Award Winning XXXXXX, How may I help you?”

    Potential Guest on the Phone: “I would like a room.”

    Me: “And when would you be arriving sir?”

    Guest: “Huh?”

    Me: “When do you want the room?”

    Guest: “Oh! Tonight…”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we are completely booked tonight, would you like me to provide the number of a nearby establishment?”

    Guest: “You got no rooms? Can’t you just give me one of the emergency rooms?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have any rooms like that, we sell our rooms until we are out. We don’t keep any rooms for ‘emergencies.’”

    Guest: “Oh, you have suites too don’t you?”

    Me: “Yes, we do, but we are completely booked, so there are no rooms available, every kind.”

    Guest: “No rooms?”

    Me: “No rooms.”

    Guest: “No Suites?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we have no rooms of any kind, Suite or otherwise, now unless you want to book a room for another night, I am going to have to hang up.”

    Guest: “No rooms?”

    *click*

    Nonsense Be Thy Name

    | Upstate New York, USA | Top

    (Teleconferencing with a client about a commercial I edited for him)

    Client: “I don’t like the music you picked. Do you have anything else?”

    Me: “The order said you wanted your jingle in the spot. It’s the one you had the radio stations send us…”

    Client: *interrupts* “Yeah, yeah. We gotta have the jingle. I just don’t like the music that goes with it.”

    Me: “So you want the jingle without the music?”

    Client: “Yeah. Like, and can you take the singing out of there? Like, the music too, can you just edit it out?”

    Me: “I don’t think I understand. You want me to edit the jingle so there’s no music or singing?”

    Client: “Yeah. I mean you guys can do stuff like that can’t you? Like, with the computers you got?”

    Me: “We can’t really, um, do it like that. If you don’t want the jingle sung, we could have the [jingle's hook] read in the voiceover.”

    Client: “No, that won’t work. You can’t just read it. We gotta have the melody in there with it.”

    Me: *loathes his career choice*

    (Telepathic) Help Wanted

    | Michigan, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’m looking for that movie.”

    Me: “We have lots of movies, can I help narrow it down?”

    Customer: “No, I want it full sized.”

    Me: “I meant, what can you tell me about the movie?”

    Customer: “Isn’t it YOUR job to tell ME about the movie?”

    Me: “Well, I’ll tell you everything I know about the movie as soon as you tell me which movie you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “If I knew which movie I was looking for, wouldn’t I have found it by now? Jeez, the people they hire these days.”

    (Customer storms out)

    Kids, This Is Why You Stay In School

    , | Michigan, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like 5 pork chops, wrapped in twos.”

    Me: “Do you mean two packages?”

    Customer: “No, I want 5 pork chops, wrapped in twos.”

    Me: *blank stare*

    Customer: *heavy sigh* “5 chops, wrapped 2, 2 and 1. See, wrapped in twos.”

    Why Can’t You Be Omniscient?!

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Top

    Customer: “Do other places besides Disney sell Disney tickets?”

    Me: “I believe so, but I only have information about the tickets we sell.”

    Customer: “How much do other places charge?”

    Me: “I don’t have any information on other ticket resellers.”

    Customer: “Is it cheaper if I buy tickets somewhere else?”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t know anything about other places, only Disney.”

    Customer: “Will they add the no expiration option for me?”

    Me: “I don’t know.”

    Customer: “Can you give me names and contact information for other ticket places?”

    Me: “Sir, I can only help you if you wish to purchase tickets directly from Disney.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand why you’re being unhelpful!”


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