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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Not Quite Shuffled Off This Mortal Coil

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    Customer: “My mother is dying at **** Hospital. She is prearranged through you.”

    Me: “I see her file right here, sir.”

    (I talk about our funeral home’s services.)

    Customer: “Now, could you go ahead and run her obituary tomorrow?”

    Me: *confused* “I thought she hadn’t passed away yet.”

    Customer: “She hasn’t, but I would like to go ahead and run the obituary.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we can’t do that. We need to wait until she actually dies.”

    Customer: *unhappy* “Well, if you say so.”

    (The woman did not die for another 8 days.)

    The Good, The Bad, And The Single Minded

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (A non-profit organization had asked our company to write a proposal for a web site design. I presented our proposal to a group of about 15 people, including the president of the organization.)

    Me: “When you want to add a new page to the web site, you can type it here. If you want, the system can send new content to someone in your organization for review before it goes live.”

    Client: “Can you give me an example of when we would do this?”

    Me: “Well if you want, you can have your legal people review the new text before it goes up on the site, so, you know… you don’t get sued because of–”

    President: “Sued?! Who’s suing us? I don’t want to get sued!”

    Me: “No, I’m just saying your legal people could review any changes to the site–”

    President: “This guy is telling me we could be sued! I don’t like this!”

    Me: “No, it’s so you WOULDN’T be sued. But that’s just an example. It’s just if someone wants to read the content before–”

    President: “I do not like the sound of this at all.”

    (We didn’t get the job.)

    Oh Sweet Irony, How Thou Dost Tease Me

    | Peoria, IL, USA |

    (I am a booth girl at a car wash: I tell customers about our products, mark their choice, and give them a ticket. There is a giant 4′ by 2′ sign on my booth that lists everything in detail.)

    Me: “Hi, can I suggest our Premier package today?”

    Customer: “How much does it cost?”

    Me: *motions towards board* “$16.95.”

    Customer: “What comes with it?”

    Me: *motions to board again, listing options*

    Customer: “What’s the difference between that and the number 2?”

    Me: *motions third time, lists options*

    Customer: “What about he number 2 and number 1? Does number 3 come with the clean car guarantee? Is there an oversize charge for my Denali?”

    (ALL of this is listed in huge letters right in front of her face. She finally makes a decision.)

    Customer: “I’ll take the number 3, but I don’t want any wax.”

    Me: “No problem, I’ll mark your window to let them know to skip the wax.”

    Customer: “I sure hope they read!”

    Me: *ultimate facepalm*

    DualShock Depreciation

    , | Washington, USA |

    (This is during Christmas time 2001 and a lot of people came in for stocking stuffers and such. I’m stocking some generic potato chips and an old woman approaches me. Keep in mind, this is a DOLLAR STORE.)

    Old Woman: “Excuse me…”

    Me: “Hello, may I help you find something?”

    Old Woman: “Yes, do you folks have Playstation 2s?”

    Me: “Uh… no, ma’am. I’m sorry, we don’t.”

    Old Woman: “Oh, well, they were out of ‘em at [chain electronics store], so I thought you folks might have ‘em.”

    Me: “Well, we carry mostly overstock. Besides, PlayStation 2′s are worth far more than just one dollar so I’m pretty sure we’ll never carry them…”

    Old Woman: “What about after Christmas?”

    Me: “Yeah, I don’t think so.”

    The Blind Leading The Blind

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

    (I’m helping an elderly customer look for a book when some guy interrupts, speaking gibberish. I can’t understand what he’s saying at all.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, could you try to describe it?”

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    (The elderly customer apparently understands and begins speaking to the guy.)

    Elderly customer: *gibberish*

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    Elderly customer, to me: “Music books?”

    Me: “Over there.”

    Elderly customer: *gibberish*

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    Elderly customer, to me: “Where?”

    Me: “In the corner.”

    Elderly customer: *gibberish*

    Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

    (The gibberish guy leaves.)

    Me: “Uh, thanks for the translation.”

    Elderly customer: “Oh, I speak a little of everything.”

    Me: “What language were they speaking?”

    Elderly customer: “I don’t know.”

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