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    Big Ticket Items Will Require A Goat

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (It was late into my eight hour shift at a huge retail drugstore chain, and I was getting tired of dumb questions.)

    Customer: “Do you take credit cards here?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We only take live chickens and large rocks.”

    (The customer actually had a sense of humor and started laughing, while my manager was laughing too hard to yell at me.)

    Montgomery Scott’s Early Days At The Copy Shop

    | Kalamazoo, MI, USA | Top

    Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”

    Me: “We can overnight the key and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbor’s house?”

    Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”

    Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”

    Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”

    Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”

    (Customer stares at me.)

    Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”

    Customer: “D*mn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”

    Me: “I do what I can.”

    That’s Assuming If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood

    | Louisiana, USA | Top

    (This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling *****. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

    (We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants, a large carat, high grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

    Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

    Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

    Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

    Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

    Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

    (At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

    Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

    (I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)

    I Like My Italians Color-Coded, Too

    | Connecticut, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today, ma’am?”

    Lady: “Hi, yes. I’d like to get a bottle of wine for my neighbor.”

    Me: “Alright, what kind?”

    Lady: “Kind?”

    Me: “Yes, red or white?”

    Lady: “Oh, there are two kinds?”

    Me: “Well, there are more than two, but those are general groups.”

    Lady: “Oh, well, he’s Italian…I think…so we’ll go with Italian.”

    Me: “Alright, a red or a white Italian?”

    Lady: “Well, he’s kind of Tan, but I guess White.”

    Me: “Um…not your neighbor. The wine, ma’am?”

    Lady: “Oh…the Italian wines have groups too? I guess one of each…”

    (This was just the beginning, as I had to describe the fact that there are numerous Red and White wine varieties. You can imagine how that went.)

    The Pope Might Have Something To Say About That

    | Virginia Beach, VA, USA |

    Customer: “Sir, it is a sin to sell these Halloween decorations.”

    Me: “How else could folks get them?”

    Customer: “That’s not the point. Halloween is for Devil Worshippers.”

    Me: “No, it’s a Christian holiday, ushering in All Saints’ Day.”

    Customer: “No, that’s Catholic. I’m a Christian.”

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