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    Not Even Remotely Intelligent

    , | Roanoke, VA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

    (Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her Magnavox TV.)

    Me: “Yes, what about it?”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

    Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

    Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

    Customer: “No lights come on, is there a battery in it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

    Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

    (A few minutes later, she calls back.)

    Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

    Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

    Customer: “Yeah, hold on…hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says “Remove Before Using”? Should I take that out?”

    Me: *major facepalm* “Yes ma’am. ”

    Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

    (Not surprisingly, the lady calls back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)

    Mega Moochers, Inc.

    | Abu Dhabi, UAE | Top

    We are a Specialist Inspection company. Over two years ago, we did a job at short notice for another company that could not supply the service. They refused to pay us the US$40,000 despite getting paid by the client (and making a decent profit) and we were in the process of taking them to court to get payment.

    They were making the matter even more drawn out than normal by messing the court about, not turning up, etc. I recently got a phone call from their operations manager.

    Customer: “Ah, Mr. A***, we need you to do an urgent job for us.”

    Me: “…but you still owe us $40,000 from the last job we did for you.”

    Customer: “What about the good relationship between our companies?

    Me: “We don’t have a good relationship. We are taking you to court over this, remember?”

    Customer: “Please Mr. A***, that is all in the past. Can we not work together, for the good of the relationship?”

    Me: “The last time I saw you, you lied to me. Your manager has only ever lied to me. You owe us $40,000 dollars. We are taking you to court. How can we have a good relationship?”

    Customer: “We must work together, to build a good relationship.”

    Me: “What about our money?”

    Customer: “You are always going on about the money! Why can’t we have a good relationship?”

    Me: “It’s not going to happen.”

    Customer: “See, that is why we need a good relationship!”

    Me: “Goodbye.”

    Customer: “But what ab–” *click*

    It’s Gonna Be A Looong Day

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: “What kind of computer do you have?”

    Customer: “It’s a Motorola.”

    Me: “…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I said, it’s Motorola!”

    Me: “Okay…are you running Windows?”

    Customer: “NO, it’s Vista.”

    Me: *long pause* “Oooh-kaaayyy…….”

    The Commute Must Be Out Of This World

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives age etc.)

    Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

    Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Man: “Well, like for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

    Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your…Earth…information. It would be most relevant to us.”

    Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

    (The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name…Qinjax.)

    Fun With Idle Threats

    | Sao Paulo, Brazil | Top

    Me: “Good afternoon, who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

    Me: “Who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “It’s ***. Now transfer me to the right section.”

    Me: “…how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

    Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

    Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

    Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

    *OH SNAP*

    Me: “Alright. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

    Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

    *silence*

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yeah…”

    Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

    *silence*

    Me: “Does it?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

    Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

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