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  • Bigotry Is Not On The Menu
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  • And That’s How The Minnesota Vikings Came To Be

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hmm. Are you tribal?”

    Me: “Um, no. I am white.”

    Customer: “No, you are seriously tribal.”

    Me: “Well, I’m part Cherokee…”

    Customer: “No, that’s not it.”

    Me: “I’m part Norwegian?”

    Customer: “THAT’S IT!”

    Because They’re All Like Julie Andrews

    | Sheffield, UK | Uncategorized

    (I have a more pronounced British accent due to my upbringing.)

    Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

    American customer: *gasps* “Omigod! You’re British! You’re all ‘British-y’! Like on TV! Oh my God! Will you talk to my wife? She would love your voice!”

    Me: “Uh…thank you. Sure. Where is she?”

    (He takes out a phone, dialing.)

    American customer: “Honey, I found an English girl! She sounds really British and everything!” *hands me the phone*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m really confused and I have no idea what to say. Do you have a customer service related query?”

    Wife on phone: *gasps* “Oh wow! Honey, your voice is beautiful!”

    Me: “Thank you?”

    American customer: “Do you sing too?”

    May We Suggest The Decaf

    | Portland, OR, USA | Uncategorized

    Coworker: “Hi there, what can we get you today?”

    Customer: “I want a mocha with THIS much coffee in it.”

    Coworker: “Alright, so about two inches of brewed coffee as well as the espresso and all the other stuff?”

    Customer: “What is it with you people? How come every time I go here, you have to ask me a million questions? Are you all stupid? All I want is a mocha with coffee!”

    Me: “We just want to make sure we make your drink the way you want it.”

    Customer: “So what? I don’t care! I’m not answering anymore questions! Just make me my drink!”

    Me: “Okay, so I’m just going to put coffee in the cup with–”

    Customer: “No! No, no, no, not coffee! Mocha! MOCHA! Mocha with THIS much coffee!”

    Me: “So, no coffee. Do you just want a mocha with two inches of espresso then? It usually only comes with–”

    Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me! You are all idiots! Let me tell you step by step how to do it. First, walk over to that machine over there and put that brown stuff, COFFEE, into the cup to THIS line and then add the shot…and chocolate…and milk!”

    Me: “So you do want brewed coffee in it?”

    Customer: “JUST DO IT!”

    Customer Is No Shrimping Violet

    | Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

    Customer: “My shrimp is cold.”

    Me: “Okay, sorry about that ma’am. I’ll bring it to the kitchen and they’ll make you a new serving right away.”

    Customer: “Fine, but feel this shrimp. Feel how cold it is.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s unnecessary. I believe that it’s cold. Just let me take the plate away for you so I can get you a new serving.”

    Customer: “Feel my shrimp!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to touch your shrimp.”

    Customer: “Feel my shrimp or I’m leaving!”

    (Bra)ce Yourself

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Uncategorized

    (A very elderly female customer walks up to the register and hands over an empty hanger.)

    Me: “Excuse me ma’am, but what exactly was on this empty hanger?”

    Customer: “This!” *very elderly customer lifts up shirt to reveal bra*

    Me: “Oh…oh God.”

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