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    A Bad Day To Be A Pair Of Jeans

    , | Corbin, KY, USA | Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (It was about 5 minutes to closing on a Saturday night and we had maybe 5-6 employees working all female. A new bar had just opened next door, and a drunk man wandered in.)

    Drunk Man: “I need to buy some matches.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir. We don’t sell matches–only clothes.”

    Drunk Man: “Well, then sell me a lighter. I need a cigarette.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t sell lighters or matches, just clothes.”

    Drunk Man: “D*mn it, just give me one.”

    Me: “I don’t have one, sir, or trust me I would.”

    Drunk Man: “You lying b**ch! Give me a f**king match you b**ch!”

    Me: “Sir, you need to leave or I’m calling the police. We don’t have lighters or matches. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.”

    Drunk Man: “I’ll get it myself!”

    (He storms off toward the men’s department. I call my co-worker in that department, then call the manager to give them a heads up. A few minutes later the man goes running out (empty handed) and my co-worker is racing after him. She grabs my phone and starts screaming over the intercom for our manager. I asked her what happened.)

    Coworker: “He pissed all over the Levis!”

    He Wants The Internets

    , | Calgary, Alberta, Canada |

    Me: “Hey, my name is ***, what can I do for you?”

    Old Man: “My great-grandson was telling me about this really neat thing on his computer. I would like to buy it.”

    Me: “So your nephew has this ‘thing’…what does it do?”

    Old Man: “Well, he was showing me videos and we played a few puzzles. I was also able to check my lottery numbers.”

    Me: “Oh, the internet…you’re just looking to hook up the internet in your house?”

    Old Man: “Yes, I would like to buy the internet.”

    Me: “Um, well you don’t purchase the actual internet. It’s kinda like paying your phone bill. You pay them and they give you phone services.”

    Old Man: “I know how a telephone works! Would you like to make some commission on this internet sale or should I take my business elsewhere?”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. You need to call Shaw, Telus, or Rogers and they will come hook up your internet. It’s not a physical thing.”

    Old Man: “I am writing to the Better Business Bureau and reporting this incident to your manager. I know what the internet is, WalMart has it! I’m going to take my purchase to them!”

    Retail:
    He Wants The Google
    She Uses The Google

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 5

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It’s about closing time, and I’m doing the final stock of the tobacco stuffs, while a police officer (there because of problems with stealing of in-store merchandise) writes out his nightly report. In walks a very short person, obviously under 19, whiter than Casper, and dressed like a pimp.)

    Short Pimp: “Packa Players!”

    Me: “ID?”

    SP: “What?”

    Me: “I need to see your ID, or you can’t have ‘em.”

    SP: “You don’t need my ID! I’m 21!” *starts cussing*

    Me: “Yes, but we have to ask if you look under 40, so hand it over.”

    SP: “Well, you’re giving me the smokes anyways–and for free now because of the way you’re treating me.”

    Me: “Uh-huh, and I’m Bill Gates.”

    SP: “Fine! Here’s my ****ing ID!.” *hands over an obviously fake ID*

    Me: “Okay, do you have a real ID?”

    SP: “That is real, a**hole!”

    Me: “Dude, no it isn’t. If you’re gonna use a fake ID, get someone who can at least spell Ontario.”

    SP: “FINE! I’ll just shoot you, and take what I want!

    (Short Pimp sticks his hand in his pocket, and pretends that there’s a gun in there.)

    Me: “Right, because a cop totally isn’t standing right behind you with his very real gun at the back of your head.”

    (At this point Officer Cool Guy had gotten up, and pulled his “very real gun” [read: just his night stick, but held like a gun] on Short Pimp, but SP didn’t know that.)

    SP: “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Next time try [competing gas station], and don’t come back.”

    (Once SP leaves Officer Cool Guy and I try very hard not to bust out laughing.)

    Related:
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 4
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

    Fighting Crazy With Crazy

    | Texas, USA | Top

    (Keep in mind that I’m male with a deep voice. We do not send techs to troubleshoot; troubleshooting has to be done on the phone, then we send a tech to replace parts.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I–”

    Customer: “Send me a tech to fix my computer.”

    Me: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s not working!”

    Me: “Well, ok, but in order to get it working again, I would need to know what exactly is wrong.”

    Customer: “I just told you it’s not working. Send me a tech to fix it!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I can help you perform some troubleshooting and–”

    Customer: “Why the f**k can’t you just send me a tech?”

    Me: “Well, like I said, I can’t do that. All I can do is troubleshoot with you on the phone to find out what’s wrong and then–”

    Customer: “WELL THAT’S GREAT, A**HOLE! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! SEND ME A TECH, NOW!”

    Me, fake crying: “Why? Why do you hate me so much? Don’t you know how hard it is for a single mom with 5 kids to make a living?” *sob*

    Customer: “???” *hangs up*

    (I got written up for that. It was totally worth it though!)

    Back In My Day, Pills Fell Like Mana From The Heavens

    | Hopewell Junction, NY, USA |

    (I was cashiering the closing shift on a Sunday night. The pharmacy closes earlier than the rest of the store on weekends. A customer comes in at 9:30pm.)

    Customer: “Oh sh*t! The pharmacy is closed?!”

    Me: “Yes, they close at 6pm on weekends. They will open again at 8am tomorrow morning.”

    Customer: “But I need a prescription filled.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the pharmacist will not be here until 8am tomorrow morning.”

    Customer: “Can’t you do it?”

    Me: “No…”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “I’m not a pharmacist.”

    Customer: “Don’t be a smart a**!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Only a pharmacist can fill your prescription.”

    Customer: “What is this world coming to?!” *storms out*

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