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  • Bigotry Is Not On The Menu
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  • Mentally Pre(Car)ious

    | Palm Beach, FL, USA | Uncategorized

    Caller: “My boyfriend dumped me and took his car back, so I want to get a car.”

    Me: “Are you looking for financial assistance with a down payment?”

    Caller: “No, I want a car. My friend told me that you people get donated cars and you give them to people who need them. I need one.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am afraid that’s not the case. We don’t have any sort of car or transportation programs at our agency.”

    Caller: “Are you calling my friend a liar?”

    Me: “No, I am simply stating a fact. Our agency does not, nor have we ever had a program where we gave out cars.”

    Caller: “This is ridiculous! Then what exactly is it that you DO do?”

    Me: “We provide psychological counseling and community referrals. I could refer you to another agency that might be able to help you get a car.”

    Caller: “I don’t need counseling! I NEED A FREE CAR! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

    Customers This Dumb Are Rare

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss. Could you help me out here?”

    Me: “Sure, ma’am. Did you need anything else?”

    Customer: “No, it’s just that I really don’t like my sushi at all.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s one of our most popular items on the menu. Would you mind telling me what’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “There’s raw fish in it.”

    All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I need to return these flowers. They died.”

    Me: “This appears to be a bag of soil.”

    Customer: “Well, I pulled them up a week ago, I guess they fell apart.”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll just need your original receipt.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a receipt.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but to return plants I’ll need a receipt.”

    Customer: “Your signs say that you have a one-year guarantee!”

    Me: “Yes, we do, but you have to keep your receipt because the price of plants changes so often.”

    Customer: “I’d like to speak the a manager.”

    (I call the manager of the garden center inside, and he tells the customer the exact same thing I did.)

    Customer: “Well, you should really post it somewhere that you have to keep your receipt.”

    Me: “It is posted in the–”

    Customer: “Where? Somewhere no one can find, I bet!”

    Me: “Actually, it’s posted in the garden center immediately outside the doors. It’s to the right.”

    Customer: “In tiny letters, right!?”

    Me: “No, the sign is about 6 feet tall. It’s also printed on the back of every receipt. I’m sorry if you missed it.”

    Customer: “Well, I doubt anyone can find it. I’m shopping at [competitor] from now on!” *starts to walk away*

    Me: “Sir, you left your plants.”

    Customer: “I don’t need a bag of dirt!”

    (The customer tries to exit through the entrance doors. They don’t open automatically from the inside.)

    Me: “Sir, those doors don’t open from this side.”

    Customer: “Well, they shouldn’t say ‘EXIT’ on them, then, should they?”

    Me: “The door actually says ‘NO EXIT’.”

    Customer: “Hmph!”

    All Signs Point To Other Signs
    All Signs Point To No
    All Signs Point To Duh
    All Signs Point To Yes

    Udderly Stupid

    | Alberta, Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, this beef isn’t fresh. Can you take it back and get me fresh beef?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the beef we cook is the freshest we can get.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you just kill a cow out back?”

    Me: “Um, no we don’t have cows in the back, that’s against the law.”

    Customer: “But isn’t this Canada? How can cows be illegal?”

    Not Quite Three-Thinking

    | Brisbane, Australia | Uncategorized

    (We have the top ten DVD’s on a wall. We use an empty case with a number on it to show where each film is ranked in the top ten. A man walks up and puts the number ‘3’ case on the counter.)

    Customer: “I’d like hire this.”

    Me: “This isn’t a movie. Star Trek is currently ranked number 3. Would you like to rent that?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want Star Trek! I want this one!”

    Me: “Sorry, that is just an empty case that we use to show our top ten rentals, it isn’t a film. If you’d like to rent one of our top ten make sure you grab one of the take home cases behind the display cases.”

    (The man seems to catch on, returns to the shelf and walks back with one of the generic DVD cases we use to chock up the number ‘3’ case so it sits flush with the other DVDs).

    Customer: “There! Now will you let me rent it?”

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