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    The Fine Art Of Self Grossed-Outification

    , | Pasadena, CA, USA |

    (Note: we are VERY generous in offering frozen yogurt samples in those tiny paper cups that could fit on your thumb.)

    Me: “Here you go, our six choices!” *offers samples*

    (Customer takes samples and shoves the whole thing in her mouth and sucks contents out. When done, she puts the cups back on the counter with yogurt and a LITTLE bit of saliva dripping off the sides. She scoots them in my direction.)

    Me: *stares back, thinking, are you serious?*

    Customer: *stares back at me for what seems like forever*

    Me: “There is a trashcan right below you that you could put those in.”

    Customer: “Ew, I’m not touching those! That’s your job.”

    (The customer walks away, leaving me staring at the messy glob of cups on our front counter.)

    Me: O___o

    Why Some Folks Have Children

    | Reading, Berkshire, UK | Top

    (A man comes in with about 4 children running about behind him. He comes up to the counter.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah…I’m looking for some *whispers*…porn.”

    Me: “You mean adult movies?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock those here.”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “There are some stores in the town centre. Perhaps you can try there?”

    Customer: “I want some porn now! What kind of store is this?”

    Me: “I apologise, but we don’t stock adult movies.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous, I only want to watch some porn with my wife.”

    Me: “Sorry, this is a family store.”

    Customer: “MAYBE IT’S FOR THE KIDS TOO! ”

    (Customer storms out with all 4 children jumping around behind him as I stand there dumbfounded.)

    An Expensive Temper Tantrum, Part 2

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    (Back story: I sold a woman four phones on a family plan for her and her 3 teenage daughters. She insisted that she be put on the 500 minute plan (the smallest family plan). I informed her that most teenagers can use 500 minutes in a week and begged her to take a larger plan.

    She refused and became quite angry and belligerent with me for suggesting “that her daughters were not responsible adults.” I noted on her account that she was advised of all overage charges and that there were to be no refunds on the account for overage charges. One month later she returns purple faced and on the verge of a stroke with her $3,200 phone bill.)

    Customer: “I need these charges taken off.”

    Me: “No, I explained the overage scale to you when you activated your phone, and begged you to take a larger plan. You insisted this was the one you needed and I cannot refund any of the charges.”

    Customer: “F**k you then, and f**k [cellular provider]. Cancel my account!”

    Me: “I’ll be happy to deactivate your phones but unfortunately that does not release you from your contract. There will be a $240.00 charge for each phone on the account for breaking your contract and you will still be responsible for the current charges.”

    (The customer suddenly throws her phone at my head. I duck and it smashes into the wall in a million pieces.)

    Customer: “F**K [cell phone provider]! F**K YOU, AND F**K ALL OF YOU A**HOLES TOO!”

    (Inexplicably, the last part was directed at the other customers waiting patiently for her to finish. She then proceeds to storm out to her car, a brand new Lexus SC 430. She redlines the engine, drops it into gear and hits a lamp post hard enough to shatter every piece of glass in the car as well as almost tearing the front half of the car off.)

    Customer: *comes back in the store* “Can I use your phone?”

    Another Customer: “Karma’s a b**ch, ain’t it?”

    Related:
    An Expensive Temper Tantrum

    Playing Doctor

    | Joplin, MO, USA |

    Me: “[Hospital Name] Nutrition, this is ***, how may I help you?”

    Patient: “Yeah, I was wondering if I could have some peas. Just been craving them.”

    (I take the last name, look her up in the system to check the diet type/restrictions.)

    Me: “Um, ma’am? It says you are allergic to green peas.”

    Patient: “Yeah, but it’s alright. They just give me a rash.”

    Captain Obvious Throws In The Towel

    | Lake Buena Vista, FL, USA |

    (I was working in the Specialty shop, which sells Mexican food, two types of sandwiches which are preassembled by chefs, and chicken strips.)

    Guest: “What’s on the turkey sandwich?”

    Me: *recites the list of ingredients, which includes cheese*

    Guest: “Can you make me one without cheese?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. These sandwiches come into the shop premade.”

    Guest: “I just want you to make me a turkey sandwich with no cheese.”

    (This went on for a bit. Finally…)

    Me: “Ma’am, we have no sandwich-making materials in this shop. It is not possible for me to give you a turkey sandwich with *any* different ingredients.”

    Guest: “Then what do you do for people who can’t have cheese?”

    (I look at the ham and salami sandwich, which does not have cheese. I look at the fryer for the chicken fingers. I look at the shells for the taco salad, which is “Build Your Own” so all ingredients, including cheese, are completely optional. I look next door at the Grill shop, which serves hamburgers and hot dogs, cheese optional. I look at the Pizza shop, which serves items such as spaghetti and tomato soup. Then, I look back at the guest.)

    Me: “I do not know.”

    Related:
    Captain Obvious’ Revenge
    The Son Of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious Strikes Back
    The Return of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious To The Rescue
    Belaboring The Obvious

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