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    Way Too Much Information

    | Boynton Beach, FL, USA |

    (I was ringing up a old lady when another old lady in my line recognized the first lady.)

    Old Lady #1: “Oh hey! I didn’t see you there!”

    Old Lady #2: “That’s okay… I didn’t recognize you with clothes on!”

    Me: “What?!”

    Spending Your Way Out Of Debt

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi there, I got these promotional cheques at 3.9% for my Visa card. I was wondering if I can pay my Visa bill with them.”

    Me: “No miss, the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. Therefore, you can’t pay the Visa with the same Visa account.”

    Customer: “Why? I don’t see why not…”

    Me: “… because the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. It doesn’t make it a lesser balance, it makes it a higher balance. Therefore, you can’t pay your Visa with the same Visa.”

    Customer: “I think this is stupid. I should be able to do whatever I want with my cheques.”

    Me: “Do you write yourself cheques with your bank account to yourself, and not have to pay for it?”

    Customer: “Well, no… that’s just silly.”

    Me: “Do you see how it works, then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess. But I should still be able to do it!”

    Youth Is Wasted By The Old

    | Iowa, USA |

    (A very old lady, clearly hard of hearing and sight walks over to me.)

    Customer: “Young man! You don’t have any Canola Harvest butter on the shelf!”

    (I had stocked Canola Harvest margarine not 20 minutes earlier.)

    Me: “Are you sure? I was certain we had–”

    Customer: “You don’t have it. I already looked at your shelf.”

    Me: “They changed the label on the tub last week. You probably don’t recognize–”

    Customer: “I KNOW where it goes, young man. You don’t have it on the shelf!”

    Me: “Let’s go check one more time.”

    Customer: “You’re a buffoon, completely incapable! I need an adult… you should get me your manager!”

    (We arrive, I pull a tub of Canola Harvest off the shelf and hold it to her.)

    Me: “Here you go, ma’am. Canola Harvest.”

    Customer: “That’s NOT Canola Harvest! It comes in a white container! Get me your manager!”

    Me: *reading the tub* “Canola… Harvest. It’s a new label, is all.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. You must’ve changed the label on me again. *laughs* You should’ve told me it was a different color, young man!”

    Me: *gun-finger-to-head*

    Nothin’ Like Some Tough Lovin’

    , | Tempe, AZ, USA | Top

    (I work for an internet billing company that mostly does work with porn sites.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Consumer Support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I got some charges on my card, and I wanna know what the heck’s goin’ on.”

    Me: “No problem sir. If I can get the card number, I’ll be happy to help out.”

    (He gives me his card, and I go through the process of looking it up and getting his info.)

    Me: “Alright sir, it looks like I have a subscription here to pornking.com. Is that familiar?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know that. Hold on a sec. RANDY!!!”

    (I hear him shouting at someone in the background, and then the sounds of someone getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of them.)

    Customer: “Alright, I done took care of the charges. Can you cancel that for me?”

    Me: “… sure. I’ve canceled it from further billing now for you.”

    Customer: “Alright, you have a nice day.” *click*

    Full Of Sound And Fury

    | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    (We have a ridiculously long phone greeting, and sometimes we get into the habit of saying it in a way that it does become a little slurred together, but we’ve been getting it slowed down so customers can hear.)

    Me: *says essay of a phone greet*

    Man with loud booming voice, practically yelling: “FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO TALK SLOWER! I AM ON A CELLPHONE!”

    Me: “… sorry?”

    Man: “SECOND OF ALL, I NEED TO ORDER A LAMP!”

    Me: “Sure thing, what kind and how many?”

    Man: “HOLD ON, TALK TO MY DAUGHTER. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING I WANT!”

    (I hear him yell across in the same booming voice to get his daughter to order the lamp for him. They bicker for a minute before I hear her and get the order placed.)

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