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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • AARP Membership Comes With A Few Hidden Perks

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    (I was trying to put a dressing on the arm of a VERY confused but cute elderly man.)

    Me: “Just hold your arm out so I can wrap this around it.”

    Elderly patient: *reaches out his arm and grabs my right breast*

    Me: “Hey! You can’t do that!”

    Elderly patient: “But I like it…”

    Me: *laughs

    Definitely Not Right

    , | Costa Mesa, CA, USA | Top

    (Keep in mind I’m gay, although it’s not too obvious.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [ice cream shop]. What can I help you out with today?”

    Customer: “Hey there, I was wondering if I could have a raspberry sorbet in a sugar cone?”

    Me: “Cool. That’s going to be $1.39.”

    Customer: *seductive voice* “I was hoping you could lower the price for me. I’m a little low, if you know what I mean…”

    (The customer unbuttons the top two buttons on her blouse and bites her lip at me.)

    Me: “Ehhh. Sorry, ma’am. I can’t fall for that.”

    Customer: “What’s the matter? A little shy?” *bounces her boobs in my face*

    Me: “Because that’s not ethical, and I don’t like boobs.”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “I’m gay!”

    Customer: “Oh my god! You’re sick! And you looked down my shirt, you pervert!”

    Me: “You undid your shirt to get free ice cream!”

    Customer: “Oh my god, sickos like you are just… just SICK! All men are filthy dogs. All you think about are naked girls and sex! I’m calling your manager to tell him what gross, perverted employees he has!” *leaves*

    Me, to coworker: “That… that wasn’t right, was it?”

    Coworker: “You should put that on notalwaysright.”

    Me: “I think I will.”

    (She never did call our manager.)

    We Need One Of These In Every Store, Part 2

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Top

    (There is a long line at a small local convenience store due to a very nice but inexperienced cashier. The cashier messes up a purchase for the second time…)

    Owner, to cashier: “What the f*** is wrong with you?! You are so f***ing worthless!”

    Customer: “How dare you talk to her like that! She is trying her hardest!”

    Owner, to customer: “If you don’t like how I treat my employees, you can leave!”

    (Upon hearing this, everyone in line drops their things on the ground and walks out of the store.)

    Related:
    We Need One Of These In Every Store

    Tornado 1, Whiny Caller 0

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    (This happened during the Midwest’s massive flooding in June, 2008.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. I’m sorry, but—”

    Caller: “Can you get me the price of a digital camera?”

    Me: “Sir, I am sorry but we are currently in a code black.”

    Caller: “What is that?”

    Me: “That is where the managers are telling the employees and the customers to move to the center of the store due to violent weather.”

    Caller: “But could you just look for me quick?”

    Me: “Sorry, but I have to get to the back of the store because there is a tornado coming!”

    Caller: “You people are so selfish. I am going to call your district manager and—”

    Me: *hangs up and runs for my life*

    Murphy’s Law And Customers: Do Not Mix

    | Newcastle, UK |

    Customer: “Hey, I’m booked to get the train tomorrow at 0800 to Manchester. Can you tell me if the train will be on time?”

    Me: “Good morning. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to predict if it will be on time, but this one is fairly reliable.”

    Customer: “How come you can’t just tell me if it’s going to be on time?

    Me: “Well, there’s any number of things that could go wrong on the day that I couldn’t predict. For example flooding, the train breaking down, maybe even a sick dri–”

    Customer: “Oh my god! All those things are going to be wrong with the train?”

    Me: “No, I’m sure not all that will happen at once. Those are just examples.”

    Customer: “So it’s on time, then?”

    Me, giving up: “Yes, it’ll be on time.”

    Customer: “Great, why didn’t you just say that?”

    (Sure enough the next day the whole mainline was brought to a standstill by a lorry hitting a rail bridge.)

    Customer: “YOU SAID IT WOULD BE ON TIME! NOW I’M GOING TO BE ****ING LATE!”

    Me: “Sorry sir, but I doubt I would have been able to predict that! There will be a bus coming to take you to a different station where you can–”

    Customer: *rants abusively*

    Manager: “Look, would you just piss off? We are not omniscient! Next time you need to book a train, book it somewhere else!”

    Customer: *storms out*

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