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    A State Of Mindlessness

    | Perth, Australia | Uncategorized

    (Note: I’m providing tech support over the phone to a customer.)

    Me: “Okay, so we’re just going to need your phone number before I can go any further.”

    Caller: “Okay, it’s **** ****.”

    Me: “…and your area code?”

    Caller: “Huh?”

    Me: “What state are you in?”

    Caller: “Say again?”

    Me: “What state?”

    Caller: “Sober?”

    That’s The Way The Keyboard Crumbles

    | Anaheim, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer, over the phone: “Hi, could you check out my computer? I think something is wrong with the keyboard.”

    Me: “Okay, do you have any idea what it might be?”

    Customer: “No, I just know that it has to be the keyboard. Everything else seems fine.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll be over later.”

    (I drive to the woman’s house. She lets me in and shows me her desk.)

    Me: “Well, first off, your space bar is upside-down.”

    Customer: “I‚Ķuh‚Ķwasn’t gonna tell you that. Didn’t know if it’d be important.”

    (I remove the upside-down space bar.)

    Me: “Your keyboard is full of crumbs. Have you been eating over it?”

    Customer: “Well, I wasn’t gonna tell you that either.”

    (I grab a can of air and blow the crumbs out.)

    Me: “That‚Äôs weird, they’re not coming out. It’s sticky inside. Did you recently spill soda into this?”

    Customer: “Oh, I wasn’t gonna tell you all of this. I thought you’d get mad and not come.”

    Me: “Listen, there’s really nothing I can do. I’m sorry, you’ll need a whole new keyboard.”

    Customer: “See! I told you you’d just up and leave if I told you!”

    Closing The Barn Door After The Barn Has Burned Down

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I want to return this toaster.”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, was there something wrong with it?”

    Customer: “There’s a hole in the plug!”

    Me: “Oh, that’s a safety feature with this brand. It’s so when you unplug it you’re not tugging on the cord itself.”

    Customer: “Why does it matter? ”

    Me: “Well, tugging on the cord can fray the wires and increase the risk of electric shock or electrical fire.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid. I didn’t buy the toaster to protect me from fire. That’s what smoke detectors are for!”

    Closing The Barn Door After The Udders Have Gotten Out

    Please Do Not Lather Up The Employees

    | Sydney, Australia | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, dear, can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Customer: “I want a body wash that doesn’t have soap in it.”

    Me: “Sure. There are a few different types of this brand here, that does not contain soap.”

    Customer: “But which one doesn’t contain soap?”

    Me: “None of them do, madam. The entire range doesn’t contain any soap in their products.”

    Customer: “I want one without soap. What about this one?” *picks up a bottle*

    Me: “Yes, that’s one without soap.”

    Customer: “Oh. Does it lather up?”

    Me: “I haven’t tried this brand, but it’s popular. It’s also about 40% off, so now’s a good time to try it.”

    Customer: “Well, you should have tried it so i know whether or not it lathers up! Next time I come in, I want you to have tried it so I know whether or not it lathers up!”

    Please Do Not Creep Out The Employees
    Please Do Not Titillate The Employees
    Please Do Not Pet The Employees

    Equivalence, Meet Ignorance

    | Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’m looking for an outfit for a one year old girl.”

    Me: “Sure, all of the twelve month clothing is in this section.”

    Customer: “No, she’s one.”

    Me: “Right, so that would be over here.”

    Customer: “You just said that was twelve months!”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: *slowly* “I’m looking for ONE YEAR.”

    Me: “Would you like to go up one size to 18 months?”

    Customer: “Is there someone else who can help me?”

    (I go and get my manager.)

    Manager: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your employee doesn’t understand English. I’m looking for clothing for my one year old granddaughter.”

    Manager: “The twelve month clothes are over here.”

    Customer: “What is WRONG with you people?”

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