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    Fonts Gone Wild

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *****, how may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need a new computer.”

    Me: “I’m sorry? You need a new computer?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just bought this one and it’s no good, it’s been hacked!”

    Me: “This is software support. We can’t replace your hardware, but if you describe the problems you’re having I can try to help you fix them.”

    Customer: *irritated and sighing* “Some f***ing hacker broke into my computer and put dirty words everywhere! Now I can’t even let my kids use the computer for their homework, because of the obscene language that randomly pops up on the screen!”

    Me: “Sounds like a virus, do you have an anti-virus installed?”

    Customer: “I have McAfee and I already tried that 10 TIMES! It didn’t even find anything! Everything on this computer is just worthless and I’m sick of–”

    Me: “OK sir, please calm down so I can help you. Can you tell me where you are seeing dirty words?”

    Customer: “In AOL instant messenger and WordPad. Every time I open one of them it says “ASSHOLE” on the screen!”

    Me: “Where?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, why does that matter?”

    Me: “I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with your machine, sir. Can you please open WordPad or AIM and tell me where you see that word?”

    Customer: *grumbling* “I’m opening instant messenger- there it is! It’s not ‘asshole’ though, it’s ‘anal’- same thing! How do I get rid of this?!”

    Me: “Where does it say ‘anal’?”

    Customer: “When I click on my friend’s name and the box pops up, it says ‘anal’ right above where you type!”

    Me: “Are you sure it says ‘anal’ and not ‘arial’?

    Customer: “What the hell is ‘arial’?”

    Me: “It’s a font sir; it’s spelled A-R-I-A-L.”

    (At this point the customer went silent for about 15 seconds, and then hung up the phone.)

    The Marketing Reality Distortion Field

    | Canada |

    Me: “…so if you cancel your others company’s long distance plan which costs you $10/month, and take ours that’s $8/month, you’ll save $2/month.”

    Customer: “Look I called up to save money, and you’re gonna increase my bill?”

    Me: “Well, yes, but overall you’ll save…”

    Customer: “Look I’ve studied marketing, and you’re not doing this right.”

    Me: “Look…I study math.”

    Youth In Asia

    | Fridley, MN, USA |

    (A woman came up to my register today and began putting her items up on the counter. All of a sudden, she stopped to listen to the pet store advertisements that we have playing all day in the store. The ad mentioned donations would prevent unnecessary euthanasia in animals at shelters.)

    Woman: “What would they do with the euthanasia?”

    Me: “The donations would help animals find homes so they wouldn’t use euthanasia unless it was absolutely necessary.”

    Woman: “What do euthanasia have to do with it?”

    Me: “Well, euthanasia means putting them to sleep.”

    Woman: “They’re killed?”

    Me: “Essentially.”

    Woman: “I thought that was just a rumor.”

    Me: “…what?”

    Woman: “So do they eat them?”

    Me: *so confused* “…the vets?”

    Woman: “No. The kids.”

    Me, perplexed: “…kids?”

    Woman: “In Asia!”

    (Then I realized that she meant youth in Asia. Not, euthanasia. And here I thought that mistake was only made on TV. Wow.)

    Bridezilla On Line 1

    , | High Desert, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor's office], how can I help you?”

    Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

    Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”

    Me: “Okay, hold please.”

    (I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

    Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”

    Lady: “12-21-1969.”

    (I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. Lori Smith.)

    Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”

    Lady: “NO!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll try searching by address.”

    (She gives me her address and sure enough, it matches Lori Smith.)

    Me: “I seem to have you listed in our computer as ‘Lori Smith’.”

    Lady: “That’s not me.”

    Me: “Well the date of birth matches, as does the address. Would you like me to search by social security number?”

    Lady: “That’s not my name. I got married and my last name is Johnson now!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry, your insurance still has you listed as Smith so that’s how we got mixed up. You’ll probably want to call them.”

    Lady: “That’s no excuse.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. But there was no way for us to know you got married.”

    Lady: “It was in the newspaper!”

    Me: “Okaaaaaay.”

    Barking Up The Wrong Tree

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, AV Services, how can I help you?”

    Very Angry Caller: “Yeah, I just flew in on Flight *** from Cleveland, and you lost my luggage.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have the wrong number. This is the University of ***.”

    Very Angry Caller: “No it’s not! You’re just saying that!”

    Me: “No, really, sir. Our phone number is very close to the airport’s number.”

    Very Angry Caller: “LISTEN! YOU LOST MY &^#% LUGGAGE! YOU NEED TO FIND IT!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t have your luggage.”

    Very Angry Caller: “STOP F^&%* LYING! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

    Me: “My supervisor is Mr. ***. But I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have your luggage either. We could probably get you a DVD player or a slide projector.”

    (Very Angry Caller starts cussing randomly. I hang up.)


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