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    The Marketing Reality Distortion Field

    | Canada |

    Me: “…so if you cancel your others company’s long distance plan which costs you $10/month, and take ours that’s $8/month, you’ll save $2/month.”

    Customer: “Look I called up to save money, and you’re gonna increase my bill?”

    Me: “Well, yes, but overall you’ll save…”

    Customer: “Look I’ve studied marketing, and you’re not doing this right.”

    Me: “Look…I study math.”

    Youth In Asia

    | Fridley, MN, USA |

    (A woman came up to my register today and began putting her items up on the counter. All of a sudden, she stopped to listen to the pet store advertisements that we have playing all day in the store. The ad mentioned donations would prevent unnecessary euthanasia in animals at shelters.)

    Woman: “What would they do with the euthanasia?”

    Me: “The donations would help animals find homes so they wouldn’t use euthanasia unless it was absolutely necessary.”

    Woman: “What do euthanasia have to do with it?”

    Me: “Well, euthanasia means putting them to sleep.”

    Woman: “They’re killed?”

    Me: “Essentially.”

    Woman: “I thought that was just a rumor.”

    Me: “…what?”

    Woman: “So do they eat them?”

    Me: *so confused* “…the vets?”

    Woman: “No. The kids.”

    Me, perplexed: “…kids?”

    Woman: “In Asia!”

    (Then I realized that she meant youth in Asia. Not, euthanasia. And here I thought that mistake was only made on TV. Wow.)

    Bridezilla On Line 1

    , | High Desert, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor's office], how can I help you?”

    Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

    Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”

    Me: “Okay, hold please.”

    (I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

    Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”

    Lady: “12-21-1969.”

    (I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. Lori Smith.)

    Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”

    Lady: “NO!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll try searching by address.”

    (She gives me her address and sure enough, it matches Lori Smith.)

    Me: “I seem to have you listed in our computer as ‘Lori Smith’.”

    Lady: “That’s not me.”

    Me: “Well the date of birth matches, as does the address. Would you like me to search by social security number?”

    Lady: “That’s not my name. I got married and my last name is Johnson now!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry, your insurance still has you listed as Smith so that’s how we got mixed up. You’ll probably want to call them.”

    Lady: “That’s no excuse.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. But there was no way for us to know you got married.”

    Lady: “It was in the newspaper!”

    Me: “Okaaaaaay.”

    Barking Up The Wrong Tree

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, AV Services, how can I help you?”

    Very Angry Caller: “Yeah, I just flew in on Flight *** from Cleveland, and you lost my luggage.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have the wrong number. This is the University of ***.”

    Very Angry Caller: “No it’s not! You’re just saying that!”

    Me: “No, really, sir. Our phone number is very close to the airport’s number.”


    Me: “Sir, I don’t have your luggage.”


    Me: “My supervisor is Mr. ***. But I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have your luggage either. We could probably get you a DVD player or a slide projector.”

    (Very Angry Caller starts cussing randomly. I hang up.)

    Repeat After Me: Names Are Your Friends

    | East Lansing, MI, USA |

    Customer: “Can I get a vegetarian burrito with chicken?”

    Me: “You mean, a chicken burrito?”

    Customer: “Well, what’s in that?”

    Me: “Chicken.”

    Instructions Are Your Friends

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