Saw The Wrong Dust

| London, UK | Uncategorized

Customer: “Is this movie one of those violent ones?”

(Customer shows me a copy of ‘Stardust’.)

Me: “No sir, that’s a family fantasy movie.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I thought Sawdust was violent and gory?”

Me: “Sir you’re think of the ‘Saw’ movies. You have a copy of ‘Stardust’, which is completely different.”

Customer: “I was looking for something really disturbing and violent.”

Me: “Well ‘Stardust’ has a scene with Robert De Niro in a dress doing the can-can.”

(Customer mulls this over for a few seconds.)

Customer: “I think you’d better show me where those ‘Saw’ movies are.”

Dog Teeth Are Not Rootine

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, can I have a toothbrush?”

Me: “Sure.” *I hand her a toothbrush*

(The customer leaves, and she comes back about five minutes later.)

Me: “Do you need toothpaste?”

Customer: “Oh, no, I was just wondering if this toothbrush is ADA approved? It doesn’t say that on the label.”

Me: “That’s because we special order our toothbrushes in bulk. The box that the shipment comes in says it’s ADA approved, though, if you want me to show you that.”

Customer: “I should. Harry is very finicky about his teeth, and I forgot his toothbrush at home.”

(I get the box and show her that the toothbrush is ADA approved.)

Customer: “Oh, good, Harry will be so happy! Here, let me show you some pictures of my baby!”

(She takes out her wallet and shows me pictures of a golden retriever.)

Me: “Um…is Harry a dog?”

Customer: “Of course! He’s my baby!”

Me: “We don’t allow pets in this hotel.”

Customer: “Oh. Can I still keep the toothbrush?”

Pray She Hasn’t Got A Cat Called Tom

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I want a hamster!”

Me: “Do you have bedding, a cage, and food?”

Customer: “I need all that stuff?”

Me: “Where did you think he would live?”

Customer: *completely serious* “I though I would just feed them cheese and have them live in the hole in my wall like in the cartoons.”

A Stern Warning For Hypochondriacs

| Tasmania, Australia | Uncategorized

(I see a woman sitting in a chair with her head between her legs looking rather ill.)

Me: “Are you alright? Can I help with anything?”

Passenger: “I think I’m really seasick.”

Me: “Oh, well, uh, are you sure it’s not flu or something you’ve eaten?”

Passenger: “No, I’ve never felt like this before. I know I’m seasick.”

Me: “Oh, ok then. I’ll just go see if I can find the medic.”

(I didn’t have the heart to tell her that we hadn’t even untied yet.)

Three Obsessive Compulsives And One Oedipus Complex To Go

| Utrecht, Netherlands | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Student: “I want to get a sample.”

Me: “A sample of what?”

Student: “What have you got?”

Me: “What do you need it for? For class?”

Student: “Yeah, for class.”

Me: “Which class?”

Student: “Social Sciences.”

Me: “I’m not aware of any requirements for that class. Do you have it written down somewhere?”

(The student looks through her bag and produces a piece of paper. She hands it to me.)

Me: “This is an assignment to set up a small psychological experiment.”

Student: “Yes! And I need a sample.”

Me: “Do you mean participants? You want me to get you participants?”

Student: “Yeah, the teacher said about 30 should do. Do they come to my place or do I have to get them from here?”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not how it works. You have to find participants on your own.”

Student: “What? That’s ridiculous! Isn’t it enough that I do all the science?”

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