Assault And Battery

| Massachusetts, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, I think I have a problem with my computer. I tried fixing it myself, but now it’s just not booting at all. I’d like to have it backed up too while you’re at it, because I run a business and I can’t afford to lose anything.”

(The next day, I call the customer.)

Me: “Hello sir, was this the only copy you had for your business data?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, do you have any disgruntled employees that may have had access to your computer recently?”

Customer: “No, why?”

Me: “Well sir, the hard drive has been hacked at with what looks like a flat-head screwdriver, severing a connection on the bottom.  It appears very deliberate, and we wont be able to retrieve your data.”

Customer: “Do you mean the battery?”

Me: “No, sir, the hard drive.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought that little round thing on the bottom of the hard drive was a battery. I was just trying to replace it. Well, I’ll just come in and pick that up.”

Customer: “Very good sir.”

(4 minutes later, he calls back.)

Customer: “Just a quick thing, if my wife comes in, and asks about it, could you leave that part out?”

With Customers Like These, Who Needs Anemones

| Seattle, WA, USA | Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

Guest: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Me: “Hi there! Do you have a question?”

Guest: “Yes. What is this?” *points to a specimen*

Me: “That is called a sea anemone.”

Guest: “Oh…” *walks away, only to walk back a few moments later* “What are they the enemies of?”

Corrupt The Kids And You’ll Have H*** Toupee

| Melbourne, Australia | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Uncategorized

(I’m a female. I’ve recently shaved my head for charity.)

Customer’s Son: “Mum, there’s a boy-lady!”

Customer: *distracted* “Is there darling?”

Customer’s Son: “Yes, at the counter.”

(The mother glares at me.)

Customer: “I see.”

Customer’s Son: “Can I be a boy-lady?”

Customer: “No. No you cannot.”

(They finish what they’re doing and as they’re leaving the mother calls me over.)

Customer: “I don’t care what you do at home, but if you want to pass for female in public, buy a d*** wig. You’re corrupting the kids!”

Some Calls Really Push The Envelope

| Australia | Crazy Requests, Funny Names, Technology, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, Welcome to the post office. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I have a problem, I deleted all the messages on my house phone, how do I get them back?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well I only wanted to delete one message on my phone, but they all got erased, can you help me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand the problem. You know you have called the postal service, yes?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well unfortunately I can’t assist you. You may need to ring the manufacturer of the phone and see how to get your messages back.”

Customer: “But it’s voice-mail! Mail! Why can’t you help me?!”

Murder, She Wrote

| Missouri, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Books & Reading, Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [Gas Station]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you shoot guns?”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Customer: “Well, I know your gas station hires some athletic young men and I was wondering if you knew anything about guns?”

Me: “Actually, I do know a decent amount about guns and shooting.”

Customer: “If you threw a gun in the air and shot it with another gun, would it explode?”

Me: “Wait, what? Why?”

Customer: “Oh, well in the book I’m writing the sheriff is fighting the robber on the balcony of the theatre, and the robber’s gun flies into the air and the sheriff shoots it. Would it explode or hurt anyone?”

Me: “Well, it probably wouldn’t explode, but it would probably discharge either when struck by the bullet or when it hits the ground.”

Customer: “Would it hit someone?”

Me: “You’re the author, ma’am.”

Customer:  “Oh, thank you very much!  I’ll send you a copy when it’s published!”

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