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    All Hail Wikipedia

    | Peterborough, ON, Canada |

    (A customer comes in, spends 30 minutes browsing games, then proceeds to talk to me for another 45 minutes about whatever. I hint several times for him to leave the store.)

    Customer: “Puzzle games are hard… I enjoy Halo way more. Why do you think people want to play puzzles anyways? And what’s with the word anyways? Z’s suck.”

    Me: “Just a second.”

    (At this time, I decide to try something desperate: I go to the computer on the counter and look up “puzzle” on wikipedia.)

    Me: “A puzzle is a problem or enigma that challenges ingenuity. In a basic puzzle one is intended to piece together objects in a logical way in order to come up with the desired shape, picture or solution. Puzzles are–”

    Customer: “Okay, I get it.”

    Me: “–often contrived as a form of entertainment, but they can also stem from serious mathematical or logistical problems–”

    Customer: “Please stop.”

    Me: “–in such cases, their successful resolution can be a significant contribution to mathematical resear–”

    Customer: “Stop it, you a**. I get it.”

    Me: “–ch. Solutions to puzzles may require recognizing patterns and creating a particular order. People with a high inductive reasoning aptitude may be better at solving these–”

    Customer: “STOP IT, F*** WHY DON’T YOU F***ING STOP? WHY!?”

    Me: “–puzzles than others. Puzzles based on the process of inquiry and discovery to complete may be solved faster by those wi–”

    Customer: “FINE, I’LL BUY THIS SONIC GAME! SHUT THE F*** UP, JESUS CHRIST!”

    (I scan, take his money and wave him out.)

    Me: “Thank you, have a nice day.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU!”

    Puzzle on Wikipedia

    Leonard Is Rolling Over In His Grave

    | Tennessee, USA |

    (An older lady calls in to see if we will waive the late fee on her credit card. I see several previous refunds and decide not to refund unless it’s a bank error.)

    Old lady: “I’m afraid I forgot to send the payment. I just lost my husband, and it’s been such a stressful month for me.”

    (I start to feel sorry for her and think maybe I can cut her a break. Then, I read the notes on the account more closely…)

    Me: “Ma’am, what was your husband’s name?”

    Old lady, sadly: “It was Leonard.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I see that you faxed us Leonard’s death certificate two years ago, so you could remove his name from the account.”

    Old lady, now indignant: “Well, it doesn’t get any easier!

    Related:
    Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave

    A Sticky Situation

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    (Ever wonder why you can’t buy gum at a movie theater? Patrons plaster their used gum *everywhere.* An assistant manager I worked with knew exactly how to get the point across.)

    Movie theater patron: “Do you carry any gum?”

    Assistant Manager: *low growl* “Gum… is our enemy.”

    I’m Sensing Something Cylindrical And… Swedish

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA |

    (I work at an adult novelty shop.  A man and a woman come into the store together, obviously a pair.  The man comes to the front counter, pays for a sex toy (think of the first Austin Powers movie) and leaves. A bit later, the woman comes up to the front desk.)

    Woman: “Have you seen my husband?”

    Me: ¬†”Ooooh. Um. I think he just left.”

    Woman: “Oh, really?” *gets on her cellphone* “Hey, honey! Forget something!?”

    (A few moments later, the front door flies open and the man sulks in, meets back up with his wife, and they both leave together.)

    Coworker: “I’m glad he came back for her. I don’t think she’d fit in the lost-and-found.”

    We Just Report The News

    | Jackson, TN, USA |

    (Our newspaper always gets strange calls. After one story I wrote about first aid training at the Red Cross, I get the following call from a reader…)

    Me: “Hello, [newspaper]. How may I help you?”

    Reader: “Yeah, I’m here at the Red Cross.”

    Me: “… okay?”

    Reader: “They just told me the first aid class you wrote about is full.”

    Me: “Oh, okay.”

    Reader: *silence*

    Me: “Sir? What’s the problem?”

    Reader: “Well, I have a friend who really needs to get into this class, but they said it’s full!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry, sir.”

    Reader: “Well?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Reader: “Well, what are you going to do about it? Can’t you tell them to add a seat to the class?”

    Me: “Umm, no, sir. I’m just a reporter. I can’t tell the Red Cross what to do. I’m sorry your friend can’t get in the class in time.”

    Reader: “Well, what is he supposed to do? He needs the training now!”

    Me: “Well, I believe the hospital teaches a first aid class.”

    Reader: “They do? Can you call them for me?”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m afraid I have a tight deadline today. I can’t take the time to look into that. Maybe you could call your friend and tell him?”

    Reader: *sarcastically* “Yeah, whatever. Thanks for your help.”

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