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    Full Of Sh*t, In So Many Ways

    | Walnut Creek, CA, USA |

    (Note: our bathrooms decided to back up and so we had to lock them.)

    Customer: “Can you unlock the bathroom?”

    Me: “Sorry, they are out of order.”

    Customer: “What do you mean!? I need to go!”

    Me: “The bagel shop next door has a bathroom that they’ll be glad to let you use.”

    Customer: “There used to be a day when the customer was always right!”

    *storms off and probably shat his pants*

    And They Wonder Why Customer Service Is Slow

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “WHERE ARE MY BOOKS?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I had a big pile of books and I put them on that bench and now they’re gone!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry about that ma’am. See, a lot of customers just leave books around the store so we regularly walk around and put away books that are left out.”

    Customer: “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”

    Me: “To keep the store in some kind of logical order. What books were they? I’ll help you find them again.”

    Customer: “I don’t REMEMBER! You tell ME what books they were!”

    Me: “I have no idea what books you had ma’am, but I can walk around the store with you and see if we can jog your memory.”

    Customer: “I have foot problems! I’m very old! I can’t walk around the store all over again! Find my books!”

    (At this point a manager intervenes and between him and 3 other employees we actually find all 7 of the books this lady wanted. She didn’t say thank you, proceeds to walk around the store without any problem, leaves the books on the same bench again and then leaves the store without buying anything.)

    He Wants The Google

    | Unknown Location |

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to buy a Google. How much is it?”

    Me: “Well, Sir, you would have to buy an internet connection, like our DSL to–”

    *cuts me off*

    Customer: “I don’t want to buy your f****** DSL! I want Google. My friend told me it’s the best, so I want that!”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, Google is a search engine, you really need to buy a connection package first to–”

    *cuts me off again*

    Customer: “I want Google! Are you listening to me? GOOGLE! HOW MUCH IS IT?”

    Me: *innocently* “Oh, my guess would be a few billions, sir.”

    Customer: “What? That’s ridiculous!”

    Me: “I agree. However, if you buy our DSL package for $**.**, you can use Google all you want and it’ll be FREE!”

    Customer: “Really? Then why would anyone ever be stupid enough to want to buy Google?”

    Me: “Beats me, sir.”

    Related:
    She Uses The Google, Part 2
    She Uses The Google

    Next Time, Just Smile And Nod

    , | Taylor, MI, USA |

    Customer 1: “We would like to exchange these items.”

    (Hands over unopened video game controller and sealed games.)

    Me: “Do you have your receipt?”

    Customer 1: “No, we just want to do an exchange!”

    Me: “I am unable to do a return without a receipt verifying you purchased your items at this store.”

    Customer 2:” We DON’T want to do a RETURN, we want to do an EXCHANGE!”

    (Our store also buys used video games and accessories so I think maybe that is what they’re trying to do)

    Me: “Without a receipt the only thing I can do is buy these from you but you wont get the full retail price. Is that what you’re trying to do?”

    Customer 1: “NO! I want to do an exchange!”

    Me: “Then I’ll need a receipt.”

    (Customer sits there for a minute and finally produces a receipt.)

    Me: “Thank you. I’m going to return these items and when you find what you want in the store, just bring it up to the counter.”

    Customer 2: “WE CAN’T DO A RETURN, IT HAS TO BE AN EXCHANGE! IT CAN’T GO BACK ON THE CREDIT CARD!”

    Me: “Just go and pick out the items you want and if there is money left over we’ll give you a store credit.”

    Customer 2: “BUT IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD!! YOU CAN’T RETURN THE ITEMS!”

    Me: “We have to return them to keep our inventory up to date.”

    Customer 1: “WE JUST SAID WE CAN’T RETURN THEM, WE NEED TO EXCHANGE THEM!”

    Me: “I’m trying to explain to you that it is a corporate policy to return items not exchange them, but that does not mean the money goes on your credit card. We can give you store credit.”

    Customer 1: “So you guys are somehow different from every other store on the planet? Every other store does exchanges but not you.”

    Customer 2: “IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD.”

    Me: “Listen, you are over-thinking this–”

    Customer 1, cutting me off: “MAYBE YOU ARE UNDER-THINKING THIS! I TOLD YOU I WANT TO DO AN EXCHANGE. I’M GOING TO THE STORE I BOUGHT THIS FROM THEY’LL DO AN EXCHANGE!”

    Me: “You can take these items to any ***** you want. We all have to same policy.”

    Customer 2: “NO, YOU’RE JUST STUPID!”

    (They leave the store, half an hour later I get a call from the store down the street laughing and thanking me for sending over such *lovely* customers.)

    This Little Piggy Went To H*ll

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

    (ID Verification stuff…)

    Me: “Alright, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

    Teacher, apparently remembering at the last minute: “Oh, no…”

    Me: “Piggly…Wiggly…F**ker.”

    Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah…thank you.”

    Me: *bursts out laughing*

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