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    Yum, Bible Ham Paste

    | Suffolk, VA, USA |

    (I use to work in a deli at a grocery story. This story takes place there.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want the extra cheap-a** ham.”

    Me: “How thin do you want that?”

    Customer: “Bible-paper thin.”

    Me: “Um…ok?”

    (It should be noted that slicing the “extra cheap-a** ham” too thin results not in ham, but in a ham-like paste)

    Me: “Here you go.”

    Customer: “You call that thin? You obviously aren’t a religious man, I can see.”

    Me: “Ok…”

    (I ended up giving him about $3.00 worth of ham paste and he walked away happy, so I guess it all worked out.)

    Comes With Free Broadsword

    , | Connecticut, USA |

    (I’m working drive through when the headset beeps.)

    Me:: “Hi, welcome to *** Donuts, what can I get you?”

    Customer:: “Hi, I’ll have a barbarian cream!”

    Me:: “…a what?”

    Customer: “A barbarian cream!”

    Me: “…you mean a Bavarian cream?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that!”

    Stupidity Exemplified

    | Niagara Falls, NY, USA | Top

    (I was working in the seasonal section of a large bulk retail chain. It was Christmas time and we sold large sets of decorative houses with lights in them.)

    Customer: “Hi, I would like to purchase one of these…” *points to a house set* “…but there aren’t anymore underneath it. Where are the others stored?”"

    (I use my price gun to check the quantities of said item.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, it appears we are sold out.”

    Customer: “Oh, well then I’ll just take this one.” *points to the display unit*

    Me: “Oh, that’s just a display unit. That one isn’t for sale.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, this is one of those specific items that we are given a temporary display unit from the vendor that we have to send back at the end of the season.”

    Customer: “So why can’t I buy it?”

    Me: “Well, it’s not ours to sell. It is rented from the people who made the set.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand why I can’t buy it!”

    Me: “It does not belong to us. We cannot sell what does not belong to us.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “…what kind of car do you drive?”

    Customer: “A 2000 Focus, why?”

    Me, to a passing customer: “Sir, would you like to buy a 2000 Focus?”

    Customer: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Selling your car.”

    Customer: “Why? It’s MY car!”

    Me: “Well, I didn’t think ownership made a difference to you.”

    (She then stormed off to talk to a manager who told her I would be taken care of. He then proceeded to buy me a piece of pizza for making his day.)

    It’s Not Exactly Rocket Science…

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (A middle age woman comes up to the counter.)

    Woman: “Your machine is broken! It will only copy the first page of my packet and now I have 50 copies of the first page and I’m not paying for them!”

    Me: “No problem ma’am, I can credit your card for the copies. Let’s see if I can fix it.”

    (When I get to the copier I see that she has laid the entire stack of papers on the glass.)

    Me, trying not to laugh: “If you would like the machine to copy the whole stack automatically you need to place it in the feeder tray, not just set it on the glass.”

    One Last Parting Shot

    | Williston, VT, USA |

    (A man realized that he was unable to pay for his groceries a few checkouts away from mine and had to leave his cart full of items behind. As he stormed off, he let off a tirade of insults at his cashier, finally stopping as he passed my register, gaping in awe at my long hair. I’m a guy, by the way.)

    Pissed customer: “AND YOU! GET A HAIRCUT! YOU LOOK STUPID!”

    Me: “…”


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