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    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3

    | Washington, DC, USA | Top

    Me: “Good evening, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I placed a carry-out order there tonight and it’s all f***ed up!!”

    Me: “Ok ma’am, I’m sure we can resolve this.”

    Customer: “This always happens here.”

    Me: “Have you placed a lot of carry-out orders with us within the past few weeks?”

    Customer: “Yes, four in the past two weeks, and they were all wrong.”

    Me: “Well were they expensive items? Such as our 20oz porterhouse or our foie gras? Or were they cheaper items such as potato skins?”

    Customer: “Both. Mostly porterhouse steaks though. And I want free food to make up for all of this, and I want it delivered.”

    Me: “Well ma’am, I’d be happy to do that.”

    Customer: “You’d better be!”

    Me: “May I have your name, and address so I can have these delivered?”

    Customer: “Amy ***. My address is ***.”

    Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Just so you know, we have never carried a porterhouse steak, or foie gras. Nor have we had potato skins in the past 5 years. By the way, we have not done carryout for 7 months. And to top it off the police will soon be heading over to that address that you so graciously gave to me; undermining a store keeper is a crime in this city. Have a nice night.”

    Related:
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

    And The Cases Serve Their Purpose

    | Westlake Village, CA, USA |

    (Note: this is before Halo 3 has come out. A customer walks into the store and looks at the display cases of Halo 3.)

    Customer: “HALO 3 IS OUT! HOW DID I MISS IT?! Do u have any copies left?”

    Me: “No. The game does not come out for another month.”

    Customer: “Then why do you have the cases out on the floor already?! Its ridiculous! It serves no purpose but to taunt the customer. I hate when stores do this!”

    (Customer turns and complains to his friend for five minutes, then turns back to me.)

    Customer: “Is there any way that I can reserve Halo 3?”

    Me: “Yes, you can for $5.”

    (Customer buys the reserve.)

    Me, as he is leaving: “And the cases serve their purpose.”

    Those Oh-So Subtle Distinctions

    | Petoskey, MI, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

    Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”

    Me: “Rodents?”

    Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”

    Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”

    Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”

    Sue Happy

    | North Carolina, USA |

    Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to complain. Your store has false advertising. You say you have the cheapest VHS prices in town, and I just came from a store who is selling them cheaper.”

    Me: “Really? Well let me call, and you can call back in 5 minutes, okay?”

    (I call the store & soon she calls back.)

    Customer: “Well?”

    Me: “You are correct, We sell for $5.00 and they’re selling for $4.81.”

    Customer: “Like I said, false advertisement. I could sue.”

    Me: “It’s a $0.19 difference.”

    Customer: “With 4 of those, that would be a dollar!”

    Me: “Correction, that would be $0.76. Would you like to sue me for that complete bill or should be round it up to a whole dollar?”

    Customer: “I will never shop with you again!”

    Me: “There will never be a need.”

    Why Don’t We Stamp It On Your Forehead

    | Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA |

    (We have a program called MVP where you pay an amount and get movies based on which plan, and never have to pay for the movies at the counter while you have it.)

    Me: “Hi, all set?”

    Customer: “I have MVP!” *smiles proudly*

    Me: “That’s great. I still need your ID…”

    Customer: “But I have MVP.”

    Me: “So do many other people, I need your ID to look up your account…”

    (This went on for a moment more before she finally told me her phone number. Worse part? It was the third time she’s done it.)

    Related:
    Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism
    You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
    (Telepathic) Help Wanted


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