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    You Know You’ve Had Too Much To Drink When …

    | Fairfax, VA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’ll have a margarita please.”

    (I get a margarita and serve it to the woman.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss? Can I please have another margarita? This one doesn’t have enough quatilia in it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, your drink is strong, I can guarantee it.”

    Customer: “How do you know there is enough quatilia in this?”

    Me: “Because you said “quatilia.”

    Customer: “Yeah, and?”

    Me: “It’s called ‘tequila.’”

    (Customer face turns a nice shade of crimson.)

    Insatiable

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “One tall cappucino!”

    Customer: *picks up drink, opens lid and looks inside* “Excuse me. There’s a lot of room in here. The top is nothing but foam.”

    Me: “Yes, that’s what a cappuccino is. It’s basically the same thing as a latte but with more foam.”

    Customer: “I don’t get you guys. You guys make me think I’m buying more by calling a small drink a tall, and now you just fill my drink up with foam.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. If you’d like, I could just get you a latte.”

    Customer: “No, that’s alright but I will take a passion tea lemonade.”

    (I do her order and she comes back.)

    Customer: “WHY IS THERE SO MUCH ICE?! **** YOU GUYS AND YOUR RIP OFF DRINKS!”

    (Customer storms off with drink and chucks it at the window outside.)

    It Only Goes Downhill From Here

    | Bellingham, WA, USA |

    (Me standing between the CDs and DVDs sections of my department.)

    Me: “Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I cant find [insert artist here], how are your CDs organized?”

    Me: “…alphabetically.”

    (Next Customer.)

    Customer: “Hi, do you guys sell DVDs?”

    Me: *Slowly turns head left and points* “Yes.”

    False Advertising

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I’m sure a lot of web designers have had a version of this conversation.)

    Client: “Currently we’re a small company…”

    Me: “How many people?”

    Client: “Four, but we’re in the process of hiring a couple of prospects. So that’s the thing, we want the website to make us look like a much bigger company.”

    Me: “Like how much bigger?”

    Client: “150, 200 employees.”

    Me: “Okay, so…you want to make up some names to go along with those non-existent employees?”

    Client: “Sure, whatever works…”

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3

    | Washington, DC, USA | Top

    Me: “Good evening, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I placed a carry-out order there tonight and it’s all f***ed up!!”

    Me: “Ok ma’am, I’m sure we can resolve this.”

    Customer: “This always happens here.”

    Me: “Have you placed a lot of carry-out orders with us within the past few weeks?”

    Customer: “Yes, four in the past two weeks, and they were all wrong.”

    Me: “Well were they expensive items? Such as our 20oz porterhouse or our foie gras? Or were they cheaper items such as potato skins?”

    Customer: “Both. Mostly porterhouse steaks though. And I want free food to make up for all of this, and I want it delivered.”

    Me: “Well ma’am, I’d be happy to do that.”

    Customer: “You’d better be!”

    Me: “May I have your name, and address so I can have these delivered?”

    Customer: “Amy ***. My address is ***.”

    Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Just so you know, we have never carried a porterhouse steak, or foie gras. Nor have we had potato skins in the past 5 years. By the way, we have not done carryout for 7 months. And to top it off the police will soon be heading over to that address that you so graciously gave to me; undermining a store keeper is a crime in this city. Have a nice night.”

    Related:
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer


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