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    Nothin’ Like Some Tough Lovin’

    , | Tempe, AZ, USA | Top

    (I work for an internet billing company that mostly does work with porn sites.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Consumer Support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I got some charges on my card, and I wanna know what the heck’s goin’ on.”

    Me: “No problem sir. If I can get the card number, I’ll be happy to help out.”

    (He gives me his card, and I go through the process of looking it up and getting his info.)

    Me: “Alright sir, it looks like I have a subscription here to pornking.com. Is that familiar?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know that. Hold on a sec. RANDY!!!”

    (I hear him shouting at someone in the background, and then the sounds of someone getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of them.)

    Customer: “Alright, I done took care of the charges. Can you cancel that for me?”

    Me: “… sure. I’ve canceled it from further billing now for you.”

    Customer: “Alright, you have a nice day.” *click*

    Full Of Sound And Fury

    | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    (We have a ridiculously long phone greeting, and sometimes we get into the habit of saying it in a way that it does become a little slurred together, but we’ve been getting it slowed down so customers can hear.)

    Me: *says essay of a phone greet*

    Man with loud booming voice, practically yelling: “FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO TALK SLOWER! I AM ON A CELLPHONE!”

    Me: “… sorry?”

    Man: “SECOND OF ALL, I NEED TO ORDER A LAMP!”

    Me: “Sure thing, what kind and how many?”

    Man: “HOLD ON, TALK TO MY DAUGHTER. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING I WANT!”

    (I hear him yell across in the same booming voice to get his daughter to order the lamp for him. They bicker for a minute before I hear her and get the order placed.)

    Ah, Marriage

    , | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [pizza restaurant], would you like to hear about our specials?

    Customer: “I was wondering if you could make your Delite pizzas in the family size.”

    Me: “I apologize, but we only serve the Delite pizzas in the large.”

    Customer: “… but I want the Delite in the family size.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the thin crust only comes in the large size.”

    Customer: “I don’t want the large size! I want the family!”

    (I hear her husband yelling at her in the background.)

    Customer’s husband: “She already told you they don’t make it in the family size!”

    Customer: “I know that. But I want the family size.”

    Customer’s husband: “JUST GET THE LARGE!”

    (The couple continues to argue for a minute or so before I interrupt them.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but is there something else we could get you?”

    Customer: “NO! I DON’T WANT YOUR GODD**N PIZZA!” *slams down phone*

    Oh Customer, Wherefore Art Thou

    | Cheltenham, UK |

    (I was working as an usher on the door, directing people to their seats.)

    Customer’s Daughter: “We’re lost, Mummy.”

    Customer: “I know, how do we get out of here?”

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, we’re lost.”

    Me: “Lost?”

    Customer: “Yes, we can’t find our seats.”

    Me: “You’re in C12 & 13. That’s the back row, the two seats in the middle.”

    Customer: “Oooooh, okay…”

    (I watch as she looks for her seat. She stares right at it… then looks over the edge, up to the balcony, and even at the chandelier! She finally settles down in the nook seats at the side that have zero visibility. I worry about our audiences sometimes.)

    Ouch … Sorry, Fido

    , | California |

    Customer: “Are there any thrift stores around here that support cancer research?”

    Clerk: “No, I think the only ones in town support the humane society.”

    Customer: “Oh, we have asthma. We don’t want to support that.”

    Clerk: “…”

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