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    This Little Piggy Went To H*ll

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

    (ID Verification stuff…)

    Me: “Alright, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

    Teacher, apparently remembering at the last minute: “Oh, no…”

    Me: “Piggly…Wiggly…F**ker.”

    Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah…thank you.”

    Me: *bursts out laughing*

    Keyless Start, Please Meet Clueless (Old) Fart

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    (A customer comes out and hands me his valet ticket for his car. I go back to the key box and notice that I had written that he hadn’t given me his keys. He had one of those key-less start cars that you don’t need to put in a key to drive, but the key still has to be in the car to start it.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir, you did not give me the keys to your car.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah. You see this is a key-less start car here, son. You don’t need a key to start it.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am aware that it is a key-less start, but I still need the key to be in the car to start it.”

    Customer: “I don’t think you understand me here kid. It is KEY-LESS. You don’t need my key. Now please just go get my car.”

    Me: “Sir, I know what you are saying, but I have parked many other cars like this..”

    Customer: “Listen to me boy! I am an adult! I have had that car for a while, and I think I know a little more about how it works than you, don’t you think?! Now go get my car or I will tell the manager!”

    (I try to tell him once again that I need the key, but he just screams and goes to get the manager. I tell the manager what the problem is.)

    Manager: “Sir, he is correct. You need the key to start the car.”

    Customer: “OH MY GOD!! Are you all idiots here?!”

    (I take him and the manager to his car. I ask him for the key, which he gives me.)

    Me: “Sir, please show me how to start the car without the key inside.”

    Customer: “Ok, fine then!”

    (He tries to press the engine start button, which doesn’t start.)

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Customer: “Well, are you going to give me the keys so I can start my car?! Jesus, everyone knows you can’t start this type of car without a key! You should be fired!”

    (That was the night I quit my job.)

    Easy Come, Easy Go

    | Philadelphia, PA |

    *customer walks in*

    Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”

    Customer: “Have you prayed today?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

    Customer: “You better pray or you’ll go to hell.”

    Me: “Wow, okay.”

    Customer: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you.”

    Me: “FOR ME!!! FOR ME!!! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” *awesome air guitaring, a la Queen*

    *customer walks out*

    (Background story: the customer was one of those crazy people who had come in for whatever it was and she is always talking about jesus. If anybody else had been in the store I wouldn’t have done the Queen thing but it was too much to pass up.)

    I’ll Have Whatever He Had

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    (A VERY drunk WHITE guy comes in 5 minutes before closing time.)

    White guy: “F*ck you! You’re not going to serve me are you?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry, we’re just closing.”

    White guy: “Awww, go on, please…just a quick pint!”

    Me: “No, we’re closing.”

    White guy: “F*ck you, is it because I’m black?”

    Me: “…Yes.”

    Pointless Obstinance

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    Me: “Good Evening, Ross speaking. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I just told you how you can help me!”

    Me: “No, sir, you were speaking to someone in admin; they put your call through to me. If you could repeat your query I’ll be happy to help.”

    Caller: “But I just told you what I wanted. I’m not repeating myself!”

    Me: “Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you then.”

    Caller: “Fine!” *hangs up*

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