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    Mmmm, Crunchy

    | Hastings, MN, USA |

    (I used to work in a retail store as a cashier. I would sometimes get people who would hand me empty wrappers or pop bottles saying they had eaten/drank the contents while shopping. I was used to it, and appreciated honesty. Then this….)

    Me: “Hello, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Good…”

    (The customer hands me empty a hot dog vacuum-seal wrapper thingie. THE FROZEN ONES.)

    Customer: “I ate these while I was shopping. Could you ring them up for me?”

    Me: *facepalm*

    How About We Change His Diaper Too

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “[University name], how may I transfer your call?”

    Lady: “Yes, my son missed his first day of class and for some reason the class room has changed and he can’t find it.”

    Me: “He can come into the computer lab and look up his schedule to verify which room the class is located.”

    Lady: “He is on campus right now wandering around and no one is helping him. He is already late for class, and it is your fault. Can you go find him and take him to his class?”

    Me: “…we don’t provide those services. He can come look he schedule and then go to class.”

    Lady: “Urgh!” *click*

    Crap, I Got Spawn Of Gorgoroth

    | Northern California, USA |

    (I work at an store that sells teaching materials. A very heavyset guy in a wheel chair comes in. Keep in mind I was the only person in the store at the time.)

    Me: “Hello! Can I help you find anything today?”

    Him: “Yes, I’d like to get an algebra book for my nephew.”

    Me: “Okay.

    (I show him the algebra books, and we make small talk about his nephew…)

    Him: “I can see the divine light in you.”

    Me: “…”

    Him: “I went up to the mountain and Jesus burned the sins out of me. I couldn’t see anything except fire. Now I can see the divine light in people. You have it. You are pure and innocent.”

    Me: *trying not to be completely freaked out* “Huh…heh…”

    Him: “I can see it…you are immortal!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (Later, when my boss came back and I told her about this, she laughed and told me that according to this guy she was a Demon Slayer. I felt kind of gypped.)

    Personally, I Like Scarlet Flaming Capsicum Powder

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I work at a music store attempting to help customers find music they want and restocking the shelves. It’s almost time for my shift to end, at about 8PM at night when Old Rowdy Guy comes in. He walks straight to me.)

    Old Rowdy Guy: “Yes, do you have them whatchamacallit…Crimson Hot Chili Spices?”

    Me: “Yes sir, do you mean the Red Hot Chili Peppers?”

    ORG: “No, no, it’s another band. It’s got a song that goes doo dooo dah dee dooo.”

    Me: “I don’t recognize the song sir.”

    ORG: “What? It’s on the radio all the time!”

    (He continues the song for a couple more seconds and a bell rings inside my head.)

    Me: “Oh, you must mean Ill Crimson?”

    ORG: “NO!”

    (Old Rowdy Guy starts storming around looking around the aisles of CD’s. He starts getting angry and frustrated and yells, “I’ve been everywhere!”)

    Me: “Calm down sir, do you know any of the lyrics?”

    ORG: “No! I want to speak with your manager!”

    (I call the manager over, he’s heard our “conversation.”)

    Manager: “Is there a problem?”

    ORG: “He won’t help me find this band!”

    Manager: “Do you know any of the lyrics of a song or the band’s name?”

    ORG: “Crimson Hot Chili Spices.”

    Manager: “Red Hot Chili Peppers?”

    ORG: “YES THAT’S THE ONE! How does this employee not know them?”

    Manager: “He did mention the band, sir.”

    ORG: “No he didn’t! Managers don’t argue with customers!” *customer storms out*

    (We laughed about him for awhile before closing up.)

    Sorry, The Teleporter’s On The Fritz Again

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A customer phones in to make a payment on their financing account.)

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make a payment on my account.”

    (I get the customer’s information and tell them how much their due payment is…)

    Me: “And did you want to pay with Visa or Mastercard?”

    Customer: “Cash.”

    Me: “You have to come into the store to pay cash, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh, I do?”

    Me: “…”

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