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    Conscience: We Loves It

    | Madison, WI, USA | Top

    (Background story: This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison is THE biggest event of the year. My store had many Halloween costumes and other Halloween-related products during that time. I was at my cash register for check-out when a customer came to me.)

    Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”

    (The customer puts down a wig, make-ups, a pantyhose, condoms, and lubes on my register.)

    Me: “Ok.” *starts scanning*

    Customer: “…”

    Me: *still scanning*

    Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!!!!” *runs out*

    Me: “!?!”

    Time To Move The Bodies In The Backyard

    | Northern California, USA |

    Dog Owner: “Yeah, my Golden Retriever keeps bringing things back to me. Do you know why?”

    Trainer: “Well, ma’am, what’s the second word in the breed’s name?”

    Owner: “Uh…retriever?”

    Trainer: “That would be why.”

    Note To Self: Stop Wearing Ninja Outfit To Work

    | Mission Viejo, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me sir, where are the Exacto knives?”

    Me: “They’re on aisle 24, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Thank you, you do seem like someone who would know where the knives are.” *walks off*

    Me: “…”

    How About A Side Of Hypocrisy

    , | Charlottesville, VA, USA |

    Me: *preparing a gyro wrap for a customer* “Would you like cheese on it?”

    Customer: “Oh my God, no! I’m a VEGAN! Don’t you know what they do to cows in those horrible farms? They force them to get pregnant all the time, and then they take away their babies and kill them so we humans can steal their milk! Dairy products are cruelty! ”

    Me: “Okay, okay. No cheese. Moving along. What sauces would you like on that?”

    Customer: “Tzatziki sauce, please.”

    (Note: the particular brand of tzatziki we purchased included both yogurt and sour cream.)

    Me: “Ah, I’m afraid that’s a dairy prod–”

    Customer: “I DON’T CARE! PUT IT ON!”

    When All Else Fails, Use Big Words

    | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    (I had a call from an elderly client who was having issues with her satellite receiver. After troubleshooting the issue as much as we possibly could I informed the customer that I’d need to send out a new receiver.)

    Me: “Okay, so we’ll simply ship that out. I can overnight that and have it to you first thing tomorrow morning.”

    Customer: “Tomorrow!?!? I need it RIGHT NOW!”

    Me: “I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s no way for me to possibly do that.”

    Customer: “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE 70 YEARS OLD AND CONFINED TO YOUR HOUSE WHERE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT IS THE TV!?!?”

    Me: “I do apologize for your current plight, but unfortunately we currently lack the technology to transmogrify things through space and time. With that in mind we are, unfortunately, required to use the most current means of shipping. That being FedEx. Would you like that at 9 in the morning or 10?”

    Customer, after a brief pause: “10. Thank you.”

    Related:
    When All Else Fails, Rephrase

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