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    If Only It Grew On Trees

    | Thunder Bay, ON, Canada |

    (I was doing rebates for cellphones at the time…)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Okay, so I want my rebate.”

    Me: “Alright, all I need from you is the cellphone number.”

    Customer: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “…you don’t have a cellphone number?”

    Customer: “No, but I want my rebate.”

    Me: “So, you do know that in order to receive a rebate, you actually need to purchase a cellphone?”

    Customer: “For **** sakes. You’re telling me that in order to get MY rebate, I need to go out, waste MY gas, and with MY money, buy a cellphone?”

    Me: “Well, that would be the general idea of getting a reimbursement on something you had purchased.”

    Customer: “But I just want the money back…”

    Me: “Well, it’s not like this is free money.”

    Customer: “…it’s not?”

    Me: “No.”

    (After about 20 seconds of silence, the customer hangs up.)

    When In Rome (Or A Kosher Deli) …

    | Iowa, USA | Top

    (Keep in mind, this is a kosher deli.)

    Customer: “Can I get a ham sandwich, please?”

    Me: “Well, sir, we don’t serve ham.”

    Customer: “No ham? What do you have then?”

    Me: “Well, we have turkey, roast beef, corned beef, and pastrami…”

    Customer: “But no ham?”

    Me: “No, sir, no ham.”

    Customer: “What? Do you have a thing against ham or something?”

    Me: “Actually…yes, we do.”

    How Cows Order Coffee

    | Florida, USA | Top

    Me: “Good morning, how can I help you?”

    Woman: “Yeah, a small coffee with 2 splendas and extra milk.”

    Me: “Okay, that will be $1.49.”

    (She pays and I give her the change. I proceed to make the drink. I pressed the “Medium” button for milk and then gave an extra shot. When I gave it to her, she took a sip and made a face as if she had just taken a sip of liquefied dog s**t.)

    Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Woman: “I asked for extra milk! This is too strong.”

    Me: “Well, I’ll put some more in for you. No problem.”

    Woman, muttering under her breath: “Idiot kid…”

    (I put another “Medium” shot in. This is two mediums and one extra shot for a total of seven milks.)

    (She takes another sip, with the same face.)

    Woman: “What part of extra milk do you not understand?”

    Me: “I understand what extra milk means. I put in about four times the regular amount of milk.”

    Woman: “Well, put more!”

    (I put in more. I put a “Large” shot of milk (four more). This brings our total to 11 milks, therefore being classified as milk with a little coffee.)

    Me: “Here.”

    (She takes another sip, and yes. Again, she makes that freaking face.)

    Woman: “Look. Extra milk means you put in the regular amount, and then you put in MORE.”

    Me: “I know that! That is a SMALL coffee with 11 MILKS!”

    Woman: “PUT IN MORE!”

    (I put in more another “Medium” shot (three more)).

    Me: “Here. The coffee is almost white now.”

    (She drinks it again and SPITS IT ALL OVER THE COUNTER.)

    Me: “Lady, what’s your problem?”

    Woman: “This coffee is cold! I ordered a hot coffee, not a cold coffee! Can you comprehend that?”

    Me: “F**k this. Who’s next?”

    (My shift leader was laughing in the corner the whole time. She remade this lady’s drink with one large shot of milk and gave it to her. She sipped it…”Ah, now that’s better!”)

    (Everyone in line had a pretty good laugh about it.)

    Complaining Incognito

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “You’re through to ****** tech support, can I take your telephone number?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Okay, can I take your post code instead?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Okay sir, I’m trying to help but I need to bring your account details up in my system.”

    Customer, rather angrily: “What the **** do you want my details for? I can’t connect to the internet, you need to sort it out!”

    Me: “I will do my best, sir, but like I explained I need to bring up your account details to verify what the problem seems to be.”

    Customer, screaming: “That’s it, I’m calling your complaints department. This is ***** ridiculous. I also want to speak to your manager NOW!”

    Me: “Sorry sir, I cant do that as you haven’t verified any of your account details.”

    Customer: “That’s it, I’m leaving your provider for somebody else!”

    Me: “Thanks for calling ***** technical support. Have a nice day!”

    (Two minutes later my manager comes over and just bursts out laughing.)

    If Dr. Phil Has Hair, I’m A Friggin’ Sasquatch
    Speaking Stupidese
    Why Don’t We Stamp It On Your Forehead
    Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism
    You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
    (Telepathic) Help Wanted


    | Ohio, USA |

    Library Patron: “I need some help comparing heating prices.”

    Me: “Okay, let me show you a website where you can compare the different gas companies.”

    (Leads patron to computer, and types in website address.)

    Me: “Here you go. Just type in your information.”

    Library Patron, looking at keyboard: “These letters are all mixed up!”

    Me: “Uh, well…”

    Library Patron: “Have they always been like this?”

    Me: “Only since the 1800′s. Here, let me do the typing.”

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