I Scream Fraud

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, welcome to [ice cream department]. How may I help you?”

Customer: *sounding angry* “I just purchased some of your ice cream for my son and now he’s broken out in hives! He has an allergy and all your ingredients should be clearly labelled!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. It does say that our ice cream is both peanut and gluten free, and our ingredients are available upon request, as they vary, depending on the type of ice cream someone orders.”

Customer: “Well you didn’t tell me that before! And now my son has broken out in hives! This is all your fault!”

Me:”May I ask what your son is allergic to?”

Customer: “Sucrose. I don’t see why this matters.”

Me: *raises eyebrow* “Our ice cream doesn’t contain sucrose.”

(At this point, said customer’s young son walks in, looking perfectly fine and eating his ice cream.)

Customer: *surprised* “I told you to wait outside!” *in a lower voice* “…and out of sight!”

3D Vision Vs Pre-Vision

| Tempe, AZ, USA | Movies & TV, Uncategorized

Customer: “Two.”

Me: “For which movie?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Which movie would you like to see?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Can you hear me?”

Customer: “Yes, I said two!”

Me: “I heard that, but you have to tell me which movie you want to see before I can sell you a ticket.”

Customer: “Oh, I have to pick one?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well how should I know what I want to see? I haven’t seen any of them yet!”

Suffering From A-Salt

| Alabama, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body, Top

(I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a 16 year old girl who is a diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

(She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your…wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

(As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do’. She then falls to the ground shaking and convulsing.)

Patron: “Oh s***!” *runs out of the library*

Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”

Bird Brained, Part 6

| Kansas City, KS, USA | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “No, just the bird seed will do.”

Me: “Alright then.”

Customer: “CACAAWW!”

(Moments later, a similar bird call comes from the other end of the store.)

Me: “What was that?”

Customer: “Oh that’s my wife. We do that so we can always find each other wherever we go.”

Related:
Early Bird Brained
Bird Brained
Bird Brained, Part 2
Bird Brained, Part 3
Bird Brained, Part 4
Bird Brained, Part 5

You’ll Just Have To Weight

| Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Uncategorized

Customer: “Could you add the tomato I sampled to the total price?”

Me: “Do you mean you ate it?”

Customer: “Yes, please add it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we charge tomatoes by the pound, so that would be kind of hard to do.”

Customer: *thinks for a second* “Well, I weighed 157 pounds before I ate it…”

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