There’s No Substitute For Brains, Either

| Miami, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you have a pill I can take instead of drinking water?”

Me: “Um, what do you mean?”

Customer: “When I’m at work and I drink water, I have to pee so much! I know there’s got to be a pill I can take instead.”

Me: “There’s really no substitute for drinking water.”

Customer: “No! I know there has to be some kind of pill you can take instead of drinking.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s not.”

Customer: “There has to be something. Never mind, I’ll try to find it myself!” *wanders over to the vitamin aisles in search of water pills*

One Good Turn Perturbs Another

| Naperville, IL, USA | Top

(A customer comes into our restaurant and angrily slams his pizza box on the front counter.)

Me: “Hello, sir…how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I ordered half pepperoni and half sausage!”

Me: *opens the box* “It looks fine to me, sir. What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “I wanted my pepperoni on the LEFT side!”

A Runaway Train Of Thought

| Eugene, OR, USA | Uncategorized

(A caller phones into our car rental company looking for a vehicle, but we’re sold out in every nearby location.)

Caller: “Why aren’t there any cars for me? Everyone I ask tells me they’re out of cars!”

Me: “We’ve been having a hard time keeping a hold on any cars with this tourist season.”

Caller: “Terrorism?”

Me: “No, ma’am, the tourist season. It’s been a really big push into your area lately, so Florida’s swamped.”

Caller: “Everyone’s been blaming the terrorists today. Why are we all letting the terrorists win?” *begins sobbing*

Me: “Ma’am, it’s tourists, not terrorists.”

Caller: “I’m an American! In America! Why are we letting them ruin my life? We can’t let these terrorists win!” *continues sobbing for a moment and then hangs up*

No Gastric Pain, No Gain

| Charlotte, NC, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [health club]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Can I bring a meatball sub with me to eat during my workout?”

Me: “No, food is not allowed when using any of the gym equipment.”

Customer: “That’s not true. People have those protein shakes in there all the time.”

Me: “Those are liquefied and in sealed containers.”

Customer: *completely serious* “If I blend my sub and put it in a container, would that be okay?”

Me: “I guess it would…”

Flying The Foul-Mouthed Skies

| Albany, NY, USA | Top

(Note: when checking in for a flight, customers are asked to provide the customer service agent with a 6-digit code.)

Me: “May I have your confirmation code please, ma’am?”

Customer: “Sure. It’s A as in a**h***, F as in f***, 1, 5, B as in b****, and C as in c**t.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Um, okay…thank you. I’ll just find you in the system…”

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