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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    How About A Side Of Hypocrisy

    , | Charlottesville, VA, USA |

    Me: *preparing a gyro wrap for a customer* “Would you like cheese on it?”

    Customer: “Oh my God, no! I’m a VEGAN! Don’t you know what they do to cows in those horrible farms? They force them to get pregnant all the time, and then they take away their babies and kill them so we humans can steal their milk! Dairy products are cruelty! ”

    Me: “Okay, okay. No cheese. Moving along. What sauces would you like on that?”

    Customer: “Tzatziki sauce, please.”

    (Note: the particular brand of tzatziki we purchased included both yogurt and sour cream.)

    Me: “Ah, I’m afraid that’s a dairy prod–”

    Customer: “I DON’T CARE! PUT IT ON!”

    When All Else Fails, Use Big Words

    | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    (I had a call from an elderly client who was having issues with her satellite receiver. After troubleshooting the issue as much as we possibly could I informed the customer that I’d need to send out a new receiver.)

    Me: “Okay, so we’ll simply ship that out. I can overnight that and have it to you first thing tomorrow morning.”

    Customer: “Tomorrow!?!? I need it RIGHT NOW!”

    Me: “I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s no way for me to possibly do that.”

    Customer: “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE 70 YEARS OLD AND CONFINED TO YOUR HOUSE WHERE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT IS THE TV!?!?”

    Me: “I do apologize for your current plight, but unfortunately we currently lack the technology to transmogrify things through space and time. With that in mind we are, unfortunately, required to use the most current means of shipping. That being FedEx. Would you like that at 9 in the morning or 10?”

    Customer, after a brief pause: “10. Thank you.”

    Related:
    When All Else Fails, Rephrase

    Two Words, Both Rhyme With Celebrate

    | Rohnert Park, CA |

    Me: “Anything else I can get for you today?”

    Female Customer: “Oh yeah! I need batteries?”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “What do you need batteries for?”

    Female Customer: “I just need batteries, ok?”

    Me: “D Cells?”

    Female Customer: “Yeah…”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “But really, what do you need batteries for?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Fat, Dumb Fingers

    | Chapel Hill, NC, USA |

    (I was sitting at home watching TV. My phone number ends with, let’s say, -1269. The phone number for the bakery ends with -1296. I am constantly getting called by people who think I’m that bakery.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Dude: “I need the bakery.”

    Me: “I think you have the wrong number.”

    Dude: “Oh, sorry.”

    (He hangs up. Brief pause. Phone rings.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Same Dude: “Can I get the bakery?”

    Me: “You have the wrong number.”

    (Dude hangs up. Phone rings.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Same Dude: “I need the bakery.”

    Me: “I think you should check the number…I don’t have a bakery department.”

    Same Dude: “Well, you did this morning!”

    Me: “I meant I’m not [bakery]. I’m just a person sitting at home.”

    (Dude hangs up. Phone rings AGAIN. I glance skeptically at it and finally go over. I don’t say anything.)

    Same Dude: “Hello?”

    Me: *click*

    (He called eight more times that evening. Eventually I just told him we were closed.)

    She Also Has A Cape That Lets Her Fly

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    (We have a female customer who is a regular but definitely has some kind of mental issues. On every visit to our branch she also uses the safe deposit box.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, there’s something wrong with my safe deposit box.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry ma’am. What is the problem so we can rectify it for you?”

    Customer: “Every time I visit my safe deposit box I find things that I never put there. Someone has been taking things in and out of my box!”

    Me: “I assure you that this is not possible because every box requires two keys in order to open. You have one side and the bank retains the other. Only you have the issued keys.”

    Customer: “I know you are lying. I know you have a key that opens very box because one time a friend of mine gave me a key to the city and I went around opening all the doors.”

    Me: “Ok…I’m going to have to refer you to my manager.”

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