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    Chairlike People And Other Objects, Beware

    | Nova Scotia, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Okay, well, you know how the laptop computers look like chairs?”

    Me: “I guess I can kinda see how you could possibly think that…”

    Customer: “Well, I sat on it, and now it’s broken.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, any sort of warranty will not cover accidental damage on the computer.”

    Customer: “It wasn’t accidental.”

    Me: “If you sat on it, then it is considered accidental damage.”

    Customer: “It’s NOT accidental damage! You think somebody just sits on their computer by accident?!”

    Me: “Okay… so the computer is damaged, right?”

    Customer: “YES!”

    Me: “So, what would you like me to do for you?”

    Customer: “I want you to fix my computer! It’s broken!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but any personal damage done to the computer is not covered under warranty. I can possibly send it in to be fixed, but there will be a charge.”

    Customer: “It’s not personal damage! I sat on it!”

    Me: “If you sat on the computer, than you damaged it personally, and it is not covered under warranty.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

    Cheapskates: FAIL

    | New Brunswick, Canada |

    Customer: “Hey, can I get these rolls at a discount?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry sir, it’s only 6:00. We don’t discount the bags until right before close.”

    Customer: “Well, the girl last night let me do it!”

    Me: “Sir, I was working last night, and no, I did not.”

    Customer: “Alright, it was the night before! That girl!”

    Me: “Richard?”

    Customer: *slinks away*

    Guilt Trip: FAIL
    Impersonating Your Boss: FAIL

    Daddy’s Little Grown-Up And Not-So-Bright Girl

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I’m lost. Can I use your phone?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, our phones don’t call outside the park.”

    Customer: “Can’t you call somebody to help me? I’m lost and I can’t find my daddy.”

    Me: “Sure. How old are you?”

    Customer: “19.”

    Me: “… I’m afraid our security only helps lost children.”

    Customer: “But I AM lost.”

    Me: “Well, do you know his cell number?”

    Customer: “Yeah.” *pulls out cellphone*

    Ask A Stupid Question, Part 4

    | Capitol Region, NY, USA |

    Customer: “What time do you guys close?”

    Me: “Nine.”

    Customer: “… o’clock?”

    Me: “No… feet. Nine feet.”

    Ask A Stupid Question, Part 3
    Ask A Stupid Question, Part 2
    Ask A Stupid Question
    Today, All My Questions Shall Be Stupid

    On The Need For Hazard Pay

    | Washington, D.C., USA |

    (A customer walks into the video rental store, clearly confused.)

    Customer: “Where can I rent some condoms?”

    Me: “… try the grocery store. We rent movies only.”

    Customer: “But, don’t you guys… umm… cater to that kind of customer?”

    Me: “Not my job to know, sir. Personally, I would never sell them here, let alone rent them.”

    Customer: “That’s because you’re a stupid Catholic who’s not going to get laid until you are married! F*** YOU AND YOUR F***ING MORALS!”

    Me: “I am going to have to ask you to leave, sir. Your behavior is unacceptable in this store.”

    (The customer suddenly grabs the fliers on the counter for the upcoming movies, throws them everywhere and then sprints out.)

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