Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Can you tell me if you have a product in your store? I have a code from an old receipt.”

Me: “Sure.”

(I pull up my terminal and she gives me the number. The screen gives me information for a very specific brand of condom.)

Me: “Yes, we have six in stock.”

Customer: “Wait, you have some? Last time I was in you were out. I need that specific product. See, I have this deal with my son. I buy him condoms and he doesn’t provide me with grandbabies.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Customer: “Can I buy those condoms over the phone and have them sent to my son? I don’t want grandbabies until he’s out of grad school, and he’s on the east coast.”

Me: “No, ma’am. You can buy them online and have them shipped to a store near him.”

Customer: “Well, he doesn’t have a car. Can they be shipped to his house from your store?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. You could come in and buy them and ship to him yourself?”

Customer: “I guess I’ll have to do that. But knowing my luck, I’d run into everyone I knew while I was there. Thanks!”

Related:
Moms: Gotta Love ‘Em

(I’m helping at a comics show. Nearby are two men dressed in costumes as street judges from the comic Judge Dredd. A customer runs up to my store, clearly flustered.)

Customer: “I need help, I lost my drawing!”

Me: “A drawing? What type of drawing?”

Customer: “The artist at the signing table did a drawing of Spiderman for me and I lost it! I need the police!”

Me: “Okay, did you put it down at a stand or anything?”

Customer: “Yes…no. No, I think it was stolen.”

Me: “Somebody actually took it from you?”

Customer: “No, but, hey!” *looks and points at the street judges* “They’ll help me! Hey, guys!”

(The two judges come over to us at the desk.)

Judge Dredd: “What’s the matter?”

Me: “It’s okay, don’t worry. This man’s just lost a drawing.”

Customer: “I didn’t lose it, it was stolen. I want you guys to go find it.”

Judge Minty: “You serious?”

Customer: “Yes! Go! This b**** is useless!”

(Judge Dredd suddenly pulls big, obviously fake, gun from holster and points it at the customer.)

Judge Dredd: “You really want to talk to the lady like that?”

Customer: “Ahhh!” *runs away into exhibit hall*

(About forty minutes, later the same customer comes back to my desk clutching a rolled up sketch. He’s eyeing the main doors, in front of which the two judges are posing for photos.)

Customer, to me: “Um, is there another exit?”

(I work customer service for a grocery store chain. One day, I’m bagging groceries for a customer when his chicken rings up for $4.99/pound.)

Customer: “I don’t think that price is right. The chicken is supposed to be half off this week.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, let me go check…”

(I head back to the meat department and see that he is right. Our store policy is that if an item rings up higher than it’s advertised price, it’s free. I go back to the cashier and tell him to void it.)

Me: “Congratulations, sir. You just got some free chicken.”

Customer: “What? Why?”

Me: “Because the item rang up the wrong price, and it’s our policy to give it to you for free.”

Customer: “But doesn’t that affect your inventory? How do you keep track of that?”

Me: “We don’t. Our main concern is that the customer is treated fairly.”

Customer: “But that must cause some kind of problem!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is the way we’ve done it for years.”

Customer: “That’s the problem with Americans these days! If it doesn’t affect me, why should I bother?! That’s all they care about!” *pays for the rest if his groceries and leaves in a huff*

Related:
Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

Customer: “Excuse me, why won’t my card work on the pump?”

Me: “Is it an American card?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “American cards don’t work at the pump.”

Customer: “You should put up a sign or something.”

Me: “Actually, there are several right above the card slot.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I don’t read Canadian…”

Customer: “You seem a bit slow. Is this your first day?”

Me: “Actually, it is. I’m sorry if I held you up.”

Customer: “No problem. You’ll get the hang of it. I should know. I have seven sons, and they all work at fast food places just like you.”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice!”

Customer: “No, it’s not. It’s pathetic and disappointing!”

Related:
Childhood Dream, Meet Retail Nightmare

(I was helping a user in one of our accounting firm’s remote offices.)

Caller: “My email isn’t working!”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “I already said, my email isn’t working!”

Me: “Okay, so is it not sending email, or is it not opening?”

Caller: “It’s not sending email. This is pathetic! I don’t have
time for this!”

Me: “I am here to help you. Does it say ‘connected’ at the lower right hand of the screen?”

Caller: “I don’t know, this isn’t my job! It’s yours, so fix it!”

Me: “I am trying to, sir, but I will need your help with fixing this issue remotely.”

Caller: “No, that’s not what I get paid to do. I am an accountant! I’m not supposed to know how to use a computer!”

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(A man walks up to our gas station pumps smoking a cigarette. I am working alone, so I talk to him using the microphone.)

Me: “Could you please move away from the pumps with your cigarettes immediately?”

Smoking Man: *shouts back to me* “Petroleum extinguishes cigarettes!”

Me: “You can’t smoke here. There are lots of explosive fumes!”

Smoking Man: “No, I am a fireman! We use petroleum to put out fires!”

Me: “I doubt that. I have now stopped all the pumps so no one else can get any gas until you leave the gas station.”

Smoking Man: “PETROL EXTINGUISHES CIGARETTES!”

(Just then, a customer who has been pumping gas speaks up.)

Customer: “I’ll f***ing extinguish you, you d***!” *chases Smoking Man out of the gas station*

Related:
Fighting Fire With Fire, Part 2
Fighting Fire With Fire

(At the natural foods store where I work, we cater to a lot of people with food allergies. I overhear this conversation between two customers:)

Customer 1: “I have a mild case of celiac disease. It’s always so tempting to just eat a little bit of bread or cookies, but I regret it so much later!”

Customer 2: “Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I love onions, but I’m terribly sensitive to them. They make me suicidal!”

Customer 1: *laughs* “I’m sure they’re not that bad!”

Customer 2: “Very much so! I can tell when I accidentally eat some because my thoughts turn dark. I hallucinated the bacon had a gun and wanted revenge!”

(A customer orders a Zebra Mocha, but requests ‘love’. I add the note ‘Please make with love!’ to the order. I give the drink to her, and she takes a sip.)

Customer: “Hey! I wanted it made with LOVE! I can taste the despair and hatred!”

Me: “Sorry, do you want me to remake it?”

Customer: “No! I want someone else to make it. You reek of hate and despair and sadness. I want LOVE!”

Me: “Um…okay. Well, I’m the only one here, so can I give you a refund or remake it?”

Customer: “Fine, but remember the LOVE.”

Me: *remakes drink* “Here you go…honey!”

Customer: “Thanks!”