(I work at a restaurant that sells pizzas that have been “kissed by the flame,” meaning they are cooked in a wood-fired oven. An older gentleman comes up to me at the cash register.)

Customer: “So, are you going to kiss my pizza?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “It says the pizzas are kissed!”

Me: “Oh! That is just the way we cook them. They’re made in a brick oven over a fire.”

Customer: “Darn it! I was looking forward to something special tonight!”

Customer: *rushes into the store* “I need a battery.”

Me: “Sure, what type of battery do you need?”

Customer: “It’s for my home alarm system. It’s not working because the battery is dead.”

Me: “Okay, do you know what size or type of battery it uses?”

(I show him the various sizes: AA, AAA, C, 9 Volt, etc.)

Customer: “I don’t know. These all look the same.”

Me: “Could you bring in the one that is not working and I will match it up with the correct one to ensure you purchase the correct one?”

Customer: “You mean, bring the dead battery here?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I can’t do that! It’s for my alarm system. If I take the battery out, it won’t work. The battery is dead, so my alarm is not working!” *leaves*

(Note: we sell almost any kind of vegetables at our grocery store.)

Customer: *checks a list* “A pound of [incomprehensible], please.”

Me: “Could you repeat that, please?”

Customer: “A pound of [incomprehensible]!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, never heard of [incomprehensible].”

Customer: *angrily* “[Incomprehensible]! You call yourself a grocery?!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have it!”

Customer: “I’ll never come back here again!” *leaves grumbling*

(An hour later, he returns.)

Customer: *apologetic smile* “Couldn’t read my handwriting. A pound of roast beef, please.”

Me: “Welcome to [business name]. How can I help you?”

Couple: “We need a carpet cleaner. We saw this one in the ad.”

Me: “It’s right over here.” *takes them to the cleaner*

Couple: “We have cat vomit everywhere.”

Me: “Well, this should help. Here are some of its features—”

Couple: “We can’t even have company over. It’s embarrassing. There is so much cat vomit on the floor!”

Me: “Well, this one over here has better brushes.” *demonstrates another product*

Couple: “If our landlord were to see it, we’d get evicted. There is so much cat vomit!”

Me: “Well, this model is what I recommend.” *still showing features*

Couple: “…and the cats drag their meat all over the house.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Couple: “We feed them raw meat, and they keep dragging it all over the house. It gets in the carpet!”

Me: “Wow. Yeah, this should help get that out.”

Couple: “We’ll take it. What sort of soap can we use with this?”

Me: “It doesn’t matter; it doesn’t have to be the same brand. Here’s some.” *shows them some soap*

Couple: “Is that going to be safe for our turtle?”

Me: “Huh?”

Couple: “We also have a turtle that we let roam around. This soap won’t hurt him, will it?”

(I am working in guest care at a hotel. It’s the morning after “springing forward”, and a guest calls down to ask the time.)

Guest: “What’s the current local time?”

Me: “It is 7:45 AM.”

Guest: “Then why does my clock say that time already? Did you send a maid into my room while I was sleeping to set my clock forward?! That is just unacceptable!”

Me: “Sir, the rooms all have atomic clocks that are automatically set by satellite signal.”

Guest: *click*

(I work in a shoe store. A customer comes over to me with a pair of shoes.)

Customer: “What material are these shoes made of? Are they made of leather?”

Me: “No, they are synthetic.”

(According to my boss, we don’t need to know the exact formula, just that a pair of shoes is synthetic or leather, etc.)

Customer: “Synthetic? What exactly does that mean? So, they’re not leather?”

Me: “No, they’re not. Synthetic means they’re artificially made and not of leather or any other naturally occurring material.”

Customer: “Uh-huh. But are they leather?”

Me: “No.”

(Customer takes the pair of shoes away. Two minutes later I see her talking to my coworker with another, similar pair of shoes in her hands. This new pair is clearly made of same material than the previous one.)

Customer: *to coworker* “Synthetic, I see. But are they made of leather?”

(I work nights in a call center. Tonight, I am taking calls for a company that handles electric repairs for farm equipment and generators. Since they have “Electric” in their name, we get a lot of calls for people trying to reach the power company. It’s about 2 AM.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. Can I help you?”

Caller: “I ain’t got no ‘lectric.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but this isn’t—”

Caller: “What you gonna do ’bout it? My son has asthma; he can’t be without air conditioning!”

(Note that it’s about 50 degrees outside, so it’s not hot at all.)

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that as well, but this isn’t—”

Caller: “He’s turning blue!”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you should take him to the emergency room right away!”

Caller: “They ain’t got no power either!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can see the hospital from my office window. They appear to have power.”

Caller: “Listen, you! We have no power and my child is sick. You need to do something.”

Me: “Ma’am, as I’ve been trying to explain, this isn’t your electric company. This is a a generator company for farm equipment. I’m pretty sure you have the wrong number. If you are concerned about the child, I urge you to take them to the hospital or call 911!”

Caller: “If you came into MY restaurant to eat, got sick, and called to complain, I would fix the problem. I wouldn’t tell you to go to the hospital!”

Me: “Ma’am, at this point, I really feel you are being needlessly antagonistic. I’ve told you that you have the wrong number and there’s nothing I can do for you. If you don’t want to take him to the hospital and he needs air conditioning to breathe, I suggest you take him outside. It’s only 50 degrees out—”

Caller: “Did you just call me evil?! I’ll have your job for this! I’m recording this call, you little b****! And when I find you–”

Me: “All of our calls are recorded, ma’am. If you continue to threaten me, I will contact the police. You have the wrong number. Good night.”

(She calls back at least a dozen more times, continuing not to listen, refusing to believe she has the wrong number, or that there is power at the hospital.)

Customer: “Excuse me. How much are your peaches?”

Me: “We don’t have peaches at the moment, ma’am, sorry.”

Customer: “Yes, you do.”

Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t. Do you mean the nectarines? They’re 5.99 a kilo.”

Customer: *snaps* “I know what nectarines look like, missy.”

Me: “All right. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insinuate that, but peaches aren’t in season right now. There are none around. Sorry.”

Customer: “Does your boss know you talk to people like this?”

Me: “Ma’am, I haven’t done anything wrong. Maybe if you show me what you’re talking about, then I can help you.”

Customer: “The peaches! I want to know how much the peaches are! It’s a simple question!”

Me: “Ma’am, there are no peaches in this store. Just…please show me what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “FINE.”

(The customer takes me to the store front and points at a display.)

Customer: “THESE!”

Me: “Those are mangoes.”