Customer: “Do you have any kid’s shoes?”

Me: *thinking she’s referring to a similar-sounding brand* “Yes. They are right over here.”

Customer: “No, not these. Kid’s shoes!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. The youth department is over here.”

Customer: “No, not kid’s, kid’s!”

Me: “I’m sorry, are you looking for the brand, or kid’s shoes?”

Customer: “Kid’s!”

Me: *showing her the brand* “Is this what you are looking for?”

Customer: “Yes. Do you have them in kid’s?”

Me: “No, we do not have kid’s sizes.

Customer: “I am not looking for kid’s sizes! I am looking for some to fit me!”

Me: *confused* “These are our adult shoes…the youth section is over there.”

Customer: “Do you even know what a kid is?”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “A kid is a baby goat! I am looking for shoes made out of baby goat skin!”

(I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

Caller: “Who is this?”

Me: “This is *** from [university].”

(Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

Caller: “He not here now.”

Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [fast food restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Medium! Coffee! Two! Equal!”

Coworker: “Okay, will that be all?”

Customer: “NOOO! Medium! Coffee! Two! Cream! Three! Equal!”

Coworker: “Okay, two medium coffees. Will that be all?”

Customer: “NOOO! Medium! Honey! Lemon! Tea! Three! Splendid!”

Coworker: “Okay, will there be anything else?”

Customer: “YESSS! Large! Coffee! French Vanilla! Double! Double!”

Coworker: “Is that all?”

Customer: “YESSS!”

(A customer brings in a beautiful long haired Shih Tzu for a trim up. As I am petting the dog, I feel that she is very matted.)

Me: “I am sorry, but Missy is very matted. She needs to be shaved down very close to her skin.”

Customer: “Oh no, she’s not matted. Can’t you see how long her fur is? I brush her every day.”

Me: “I’m sure you do, ma’am, but you are only getting the hair on top. The hair on the bottom has become very matted and needs to be shaved.”

Customer: “Can’t you just shave the bottom and leave the top?”

Customer: “Hello. How do you have strawberries so late in the season?”

Me: “They are a special breed called Everbearing. They last until the frost comes.”

Customer: “How did they get such a breed?”

Me: “Well, they bred them especially for this.”

Customer: “So they were genetically modified? That causes cancer!”

Me: “I’m sure they won’t give you cancer. There are other things that cause cancer, but–”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what causes cancer! Don’t you think I know what causes cancer?!”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “It’s okay, I’ll take a basket. They’re for my sister.”

Manager: “*** Shoes, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Shoes? What kind of store is this? I have a bill here from you.”

Manager: “It’s a shoe store.”

Customer: “A shoe store?”

Manager: “A shoe store.”

Customer: “Shoes?”

Manager: “Yes, a shoe store.”

Customer: “A masseuse? ”

Manager: “No, a shoe store.”

Customer: “What are shoes?”

Manager: “…you wear them on your feet?”

Customer: “Shoes?” *pauses* “Oh, shoes! Oh, right! It says that right on my bill here!” *hangs up*

Me: “Hi, welcome to [theater]!”

Customer: “Hi. Is Dead Snow a horror movie?”

Me: “Kind of…it’s about zombies.”

Customer: “So, it’s a documentary?”

(I’m 12 and helping out at my grandparent’s farm. My 3-year old cousin has been playing too close the driveway, so I carry him while ringing up customers.)

Customer: “Dear, your son is just darling. Absolutely adorable!”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am, but this is my cousin.”

Customer: “Nonsense, he looks exactly like you! Well, if you were a boy, but EXACTLY like you.”

(Note that I have curly dark hair, and he has straight blond hair, and that’s just the beginning of the differences.)

Me: “I don’t think–”

Customer: “EXACTLY like you.

Me: “I’m sorry, but–”

Customer: “EXACTLY. LIKE. YOU.”

Me: “If you say–”

Customer: “EXACTLY.”

Me: “…that’ll be $35.”

(I’m showing a customer the difference between a few different products and the benefits of each. After a few minutes, he selects the item he wants.)

Customer: “Why are you so smart?”

Me: *jokingly* “Everyone tells me to stop, but I guess I just can’t help it!”

Customer: *completely serious* “Well, stop it! It annoys me when people are smarter than me!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Kids these days!” *walks off*

(I’ve just finished giving a guy his pizza when he notices my car in the driveway.)

Customer: “That your car?”

Me: “Yes, it is. You like it?”

Customer: “Yeah! Mind if I go look at it?”

Me: “Sure. I’ll show you around it.”

(We get there and he studies the decals in my window. I have an “Obama ‘08″ button on the back of my headrest.)

Customer: *gasps* “Are you a terrorist?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Don’t play dumb with me! You’re a terrorist!”

Me: “What are you talking about?!”

Customer: “You’re a terrorist and you voted for a terrorist for president!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that our president is not a terrorist.”

Customer: “But he is! He’s not American! He’s an illegal immigrant!”

Me: “Sir, why would we have an illegal immigrant terrorist as president if the government were on his side?”

Customer: *gasps again* “You’re right! Everyone’s a terrorist!”

Me: “No, no, no! They’re not terrorists!”

Customer: “You’re on their side?! Don’t kill me!”

Me: *giving up* “Yes, I’m a terrorist.”

(The customer screams and runs inside. A few moments later, the pizza falls out a second story window.)