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    T-Minus Five Seconds Until YouTube

    , | Portland, OR, USA |

    (A student needed a stack of VHS tapes converted to DVD.  The first couple tapes were nothing special but the third  looked like the camera had been set up in a hotel room. The three of us working in the lab were wondering if it was even her tape until we saw the student sit down on the bed.  Then she laid back. Then someone else stepped into the frame and started taking off her shirt.  I ran to the phone to call the student while a crowd gathered in front of the computer.)

    Me: “Hi, this is *** from the lab. ¬†We’re working on your tapes right now but we’re not quite sure about one of them.”

    Her: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, one of them seems like it might have slipped into the stack accidentally.”

    Her: “One of mine? Wha–OH MY GOD! ¬†The sex tape?!”

    Me: “That’s what it looks like.”

    Her: “Oh my god! Just box it up and hide it. ¬†I’ll be right down to pick it up!”

    Me: “I’ll pull it right away.”

    Her: “Please, don’t let anyone else watch it!”

    *people cheer excitedly in the back of the lab*

    Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. I’ve already shut it off.”

    The Matrix Rejected

    | Florida, USA |

    (I used to work in a shop selling overpriced family coat of arms in a shop at a certain theme park in Florida. After a transaction had gone through, this customer turns to her daughter.)

    Customer: “Was that lucky?”

    Oracle Child: *stares blankly*

    Customer: “Was it unlucky to buy it using that card?”

    Oracle Child: “Yes…”

    Customer: “You sure it was unlucky?”

    Oracle Child: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I have to cancel that purchase and use a different card.”

    Coworker: “It’s already gone through.”

    Customer: “This is [theme park]!”

    (My coworker has to oblige the customer and hands her the forms to cancel it. Stupidly, she refuses to sign the forms and storms out with her husband and Oracle Child in tow.)

    How Cute, You Learned A New Vocab

    , | Upstate New York, USA |

    Customer: “I want this particular size in this particular style of jeans.”

    Me: “Well, I don’t see your size out here, so let me check the back.”

    (I go to check the stock room, even though I know we’re out.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re all out.”

    Customer: “You’re persecuting me.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You heard me; you’re persecuting me.”

    Me: “… I can check with the store across town to see if they have what you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “Fine.”

    (The store across town has a pair of the jeans in question. I ask the customer if she wants to go pick them up; the store will have them on hold for her.)

    Customer: “You mean I have to drive all the way across town?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “You’re persecuting me.”

    Me: “Well, if you can wait until tomorrow afternoon, we can have the other store ship them and you can pick them up here.”

    Customer: “So, you want me to wait an extra day and make an extra trip back here for a pair of jeans.”

    Me: “Or drive across town for them today, yes.”

    Customer: “You’re persecuting me.”

    Me: “…”

    Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*, Part 2

    | New Haven, CT, USA |

    Me: “I have a tall mocha.”

    Customer: “That’s me, thanks.”

    Me: “Thanks! Have a good one!”

    (She returns in less than a minute with a disgusted look on her face.)

    Customer: “What is this?!”

    Me: “That’d be a mocha latte.”

    Customer: “Does it have espresso in it?”

    Me: “Yes. ”

    Customer: “Ugh, this is the worst thing I have EVER put in my mouth!”

    Me, without a beat: “Ma’am, I highly doubt that.”

    Related:
    Bad Dum Dum *Chhh*

    It’s Not Unusual To Be Fake With Anyone

    | Nottingham, UK |

    (I work in the Asset Management Department for a provider of loans and mortgages. It means that I have to try over the phone to get money out of people who haven’t made their monthly payments in ages.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello, is that Richard White?”

    Customer: “Yeah, who’s this?”

    Me: “Hello Richard, this is Maria calling from *** Finance. I just need to ask you some security questions before I proceed: could you please give me your date of birth?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah… it’s… um… 3rd of December… 19… 74.”

    (This is a completely different date of birth to what is on my screen.)

    Me: “And you confirmed that you are Richard White?”

    Customer: “No… my name’s… um… my name’s Tom.”

    Me: “Tom?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Tom what?”

    Customer: “Tom… Jones.”

    Me: “But you just said you were Richard White.”

    Customer: *hangs up*

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