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    Those Pesky Twin Brothers

    | Maryville, MO, USA |

    (I am calling customers with overdue movies to remind them that they are due back.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi, this is Lynne up at Movie M**** and I was just calling to remind you that The Bourne Identity and Barnyard were both due back about 6 days ago. So, if you could get those back to–”

    Customer: “I told the guy that called last night I didn’t rent those movies!”

    Me: “Well, sir, I can give you the exact time and date they were rented, if that would help you remember…”

    Customer: “And when the hell did I supposedly rent these movies?”

    Me: “Wednesday, the 23rd at 7:13 pm.”

    Customer: “I didn’t rent them! I was out of the country last week!”

    Me: “Sir, do you have a brother?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t have a brother! Why in the hell do you want to know that?!”

    Me: “Because if you were out of the country then it must be your twin brother on the security tape renting those movies.”

    (Customer sputters for a moment.)

    Me: “If you can get those back to us before we close tonight at 10 pm, there will be no further late charges.”

    Customer: “Okay.” *hangs up*

    The Joy Of Sex(ism), Part 2

    , | Akron, OH, USA |

    (I’m a girl, and I work in a video game store.)

    Dude: “Are you guys hiring?”

    Me: “No, we just let some people go actually.”

    Dude: “Oh, I assumed they were desperate. I mean, they hired a girl.”

    Me: “I’ve worked here for 3 years.”

    Dude: “Oh, well can I ask the manager anyway?”

    Me: “Sure, he’s standing right over there.” *points to next register*

    Manager: “Don’t even ask. You just insulted my assistant manager.”

    The Joy Of Sex(ism)

    Not Quite What Disney Had In Mind

    | Billings, MT, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Cinemas. How can I help you?”

    Some Stoner: “Yeah. Do you have any funny movies?”

    Me: “Sure…”

    (I go through the list of comedies.)

    Stoner: “Oh. I watched Toy Story today while I was high. That was pretty funny, seeing those toys running around all f**ked up. Do you have anything like that?”

    (I put down the phone for a moment to stifle my laugh.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we do not have any drug-induced movies playing right now.”

    Stoner: “Oh. Well, uh…I’m gonna watch Toy Story 2 now.”

    (Stoner hangs up.)

    The Great Doll Heist of ’08

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    (I was working in the back, getting things ready for the next floor set, and I had to pull some mannequins from the floor and dress them. I was dragging one of the full body forms towards the back, when a customer approached me.)

    Her: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

    (Note that I’m wearing the uniform and I still have a headset in my ear.)

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m stealing this mannequin.”

    Her: “Oh, okay. thanks.”

    (She turns around to find someone else to help her.)

    Can We Get Anymore Clueless?

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Customer: “I want to buy these pans that I saw on sale online.”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, what brand are they?”

    Customer: “I don’t know that!”

    Me: “Okay…how much are they?”

    Customer: “I don’t know that either!”

    Me: “Do you perhaps have a photo of the pans?”

    Customer: “I didn’t have time to do that!”

    Me: “Alright ma’am, sometimes things sold online are not sold in store.”

    Customer: “”All I know is that they were at this store and they were different colors.”

    Me: “What colors were the pans?”

    Customer: “I don’t remember!”

    (I show her every pot and pan set that was a different color from the norm. E.g., orange, green and blue. Of course, that wasn’t what she wanted. She picks out an item that wasn’t even close to like she wanted in the first place. She goes to put the item in her cart, but she had lots of stuff in her cart and it doesn’t fit.)

    Customer: “What am I supposed to do, it doesn’t fit in my cart!”

    (she acted like it was my fault the stuff didn’t fit. I guess I was suppose to shrink the box for her.)

    Me: “Well ma’am, why don’t you take some stuff out. Put the big stuff on the bottom and the small stuff on the top.”

    Customer: *looks at me like a deer in the headlights*

    (I was paged to another area of the store and walked away from her. I’m sure I would have punched her otherwise.)

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