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    Accidental Lemonade From Lemons

    | Amsterdam, The Netherlands |

    Me: “Hi, can I help with anything?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a good book.”

    Me: “Do you have any specific genre or subject in mind?”

    Customer: “Yes, a good one… one that I’ll like.”

    Me: “Um, you’ll have to be a bit more specific. I don’t really know what you like. Science fiction, thriller, fantasy, horror, that sort of thing?”

    Customer: “Well, don’t you know any good books?”

    Me: “I haven’t actually read them all, but–”

    Customer: “You haven’t? What kind of librarian are you? Isn’t there anyone here who can help me?”

    Me: “This one–” *holding up a book* “–is pretty popular at the mo–”

    Customer: “How do you know I’ll like it?! You can’t know that. I want a book that I’ll like.”

    (I get frustrated and just grab a random book that was recently turned in.)

    Me: “Here, you’ll love this one!”

    (Unfortunately, she did like it, and told my boss to thank me for my great suggestion. Darn.)

    If At First You Don’t Succeed…

    | New Albany, IN, USA |

    (We were trying to troubleshoot a printer than quit working…)

    Coworker: “… go ahead and click on the printer and faxes icon.”

    Customer: “It’s not opening.”

    (My coworker tries it himself, and waits nearly 40 minutes for a window to pop up: it eventually shows 70,916 documents in the queue!)

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 3

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (Note: I’m the manager at a video rental store, and the owner happens to be there with me.)

    Customer: “I’d like to open an account.”

    Me: “Okay, to open a membership we need a California issued I.D and a major credit card.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t have one.”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Customer: “The credit card.”

    Me: “Then I’m afraid we can’t open the account.”

    Customer: “Oh, I talked to the manager last week. He said it was alright if i didn’t have a credit card.”

    Me: “Oh really? I don’t recall telling anybody that last week.”

    Customer: *nervously* “… then it was the owner who told me that.”

    Me: “I don’t think he would say that.”

    Customer: “Yeah he did. He said it was fine. Just make me the d*** membership! The owner said it was fine.”

    Me: “Okay…” *I turn to the owner*

    Me, to the owner: “Hey, did you tell anyone last week that they could make a new account without a credit card?”

    Owner: “No, I never said that ever.”

    Customer: *walks away with his head down*

    Related:
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 2
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    She Fought The Law… And The Law Won

    | Bridgewater, NJ, USA |

    (This is one of those chains that does gunned ear piercings. Gun piercings have MANY risks–embedding being one of them. A customer walks in with two children, ages 4 and 7.)

    Customer: “The stone fell out of her earring. Can you put a new one in?”

    Me: *examines ear* “Ma’am, the earring is embedded in your daughter’s ear. You need to go to the doctor. I can’t help you.”

    Customer: “No, stone fall out of earring, we just need new one.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You see, putting the back on too tight like this pulls the front of the earring INTO the earlobe and it becomes stuck.”

    Customer: “Okay, you take out.”

    Me: “You aren’t getting it…it is stuck inside her ear. A doctor needs to cut her ear open with a scalpel and retrieve the earring.”

    Customer: *freaks out and starts stringing expletives together*

    (I retrieve her waiver to show her where she signed in FOUR places stating she understood the risks associated with the procedure.)

    Me: “See? You signed here explaining you understood the risks and aftercare.”

    Customer: “There was a line, I no read dis! Nobody read dis!”

    Me: “Well, if you had taken the time to read you would have seen that this can be dangerous. A responsible parent puts more effort into their child’s safety and well being.”

    (Needless to say she threatened my life, swore like a sailor in front of my customers, was chased by security and provided them a false name. I took her to court… and she lost.)

    What Strange Magic Is This

    | North Carolina, USA |

    Me: “Sporting Goods, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a tennis racquet. The one I have is the wrong one.”

    Me:¬†”What kind of tennis racquet are you looking for?”

    Customer:¬†”I’m a lefty. I need a left-handed tennis racquet.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Hello? Are you still there? Do you have any left-handed tennis racquets?”

    Me:¬†”Ma’am, just put the one you have in your left hand.¬†It’s now a left-handed tennis racquet.”

    Customer: “Oooh! I’m going to kill my husband!” *hangs up*

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