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    Nothin’ Like A Good Old Existential Meltdown

    | St. Andrews, Scotland, UK |

    (I’m confronted by a customer with an extremely high pitched voice and impenetrable Highland accent. This is one of those tiny old Scottish women with a headscarf nailed on and muscles like steel wires. They are a common sight in the East of Scotland, and are almost immortal. Only the slow action of the wind off the north sea will gradually erode them.)

    Me: “That will be £***, please.”

    Old Lady: “Areyenamerican?”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Old Lady: “Ah sid, are ye Namerican?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I missed that.”

    Old Lady: “Are… ye… an… American?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I misheard you. No, I’m English.”

    Old Lady: “Oh… why?”

    (I have spent much of the last three years trying to come up with a satisfactory answer. As yet I have made no progress.)

    Teenage Boys And Smutty Mags? You Don’t Say!

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Family & Kids, Religion, Rude & Risque, Top

    Angry Old Woman: “Excuse me! I am very upset because you sold my young grandson pornography!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t sell pornography.”

    Angry Old Woman: “Get me the manager now!”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

    Angry Old Woman: “Your pervert cashier sold my grandson pornography!”

    Manager: “Are you sure about that? We don’t sell anything like that here.”

    Angry Old Woman: “Do you think I’m stupid? I saw it with my own eyes! It had naked women and he told me he bought it here with no problem!”

    Manager: “Could you show me on the shelf what it was?”

    (She goes over to the magazines, and points at Maxim.)

    Angry Old Woman: “It was this one! See right here! Where any child could see!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, this magazine is not pornography. Granted, the women are scantily clad in a few pictures but they aren’t naked and there is no age restriction on its sale.”

    Angry Old Woman: “I know pornography when I see it, and this is very offensive. How could you sell it to young children?”

    Manager: “Well, actually our store policy dictates that we won’t sell this to a young child even though it is still legal. How old is your grandson?”

    Angry Old Woman: “He’s only sixteen!”

    Manager: *rolls eyes* “I don’t want to offend your moral beliefs, Ma’am, but if your sixteen year old grandson wants to look at women in bikinis there is no force on earth that is going to stop it, seriously.”

    Angry Old Woman: “The power of Jesus can stop it! The power of Christ should compel you to remove this magazine from your shelves!”

    Manager: “Right…real quick, ma’am, before I get back to work, can I ask you a question? Does your grandson have internet access?”

    Angry Old Woman: “What does that have to do with anything?”

    Manager: “A lot, and I think that the power of Christ should compel you to learn how to look up his browser history. Have a good day.”

    Thy Gluttony Knows No Bounds

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Hi, did you need any help today?”

    Customer: “Nope, I’m just looking.”

    Me: “Alright, just tell me if you need anything.”

    (The customer stops and looks at the rats.)

    Customer: “DO PEOPLE EAT THOSE?”

    Me: “N-no, no they don’t…”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Just wondering!”

    Me: “…”

    The War Of 1812 Redux

    | Winnipeg, Canada | Top

    (I’ve just finished setting up this individual’s service call to get a technician out to his house. I flub a few words, because it’s 2 in the morning.)

    Me: “So the technician will be out sometime between 8 and 6 pm next Tuesday, then.”

    Customer: “Is this call center located in The United States of America?”

    Me: “Actually, we’re outsourced. I’m in Canada.”

    Customer: “BECAUSE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, 6 COMES BEFORE 8 YOU STUPID F**K. BE HAPPY THAT I DON’T DISCONNECT MY SERVICE FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS, YOU G***D**N FOREIGNER!”

    Me: “…thank you for calling, have a great day!”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Pointless Tantrums

    | Fort Wayne, IN, USA |

    Server: “What can I get for you to drink today?”

    Customer: “Diet Coke.”

    Server: “Is Diet Pepsi okay?”

    Customer: “No, I want Diet Coke.”

    Server: “Well, we only carry Pepsi products.”

    Customer: “Fine, then! I won’t drink anything!”

    (Whatever floats your boat, lady. It doesn’t make any difference to me whether or not you drink something.)

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