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    Caught Brown Handed

    | Belgium |

    (In the Chinese restaurant where I work, we have little bottles of soy sauce on every table. They look like they’re tightly closed, but the top actually doesn’t close at all. A lady and her daughter finish dinner and are leaving.)

    Me: “Excuse me madam, but I’m afraid the soy sauce is restaurant property. You can’t take it.”

    Mother: “You calling me a thief? I want to speak to the manager! This will cost you your job, you little b****!”

    Daughter: “Um, mum…”

    Me: “The manager is not in right now, but if you want the sauce, it’s on sale at the front of the restaurant.”

    Mother: “You’ve got some nerve! I never even touched your stinking sauce, you c**! Call the manager now!”

    (Several customers are starting to giggle and the daughter looks like she’s about to die.)

    Me: “Maybe you have taken the sauce without noticing? Because I’m sure you touched it at some point.”

    Mother: “You’re sure? I tell you I didn’t touch it! You can’t treat your customers that way! You telling me you’ve been spying on me or something?”

    Me: “Certainly not. But the huge brown stain on your purse is hard to ignore.”

    (Her daughter drags her by the arm and they storm out the front door, leaving a sticky trail of soy sauce from the mother’s cloth purse. I laughed so hard I didn’t even mind them stealing the sauce.)

    Mr. Anal And Mrs. Retentive Go To Scotland

    | Dundee, Scotland, UK |

    (A South American customer and his wife are browsing in a souvenir shop where I work; note that it’s located in Scotland.)

    Customer: “Hey, why do you have mugs here with England written on them? I’m not in England… Why would I buy a souvenir mug with the English flag on it?”

    Me: “Well, you don’t have to buy an England one. We have plenty mugs with Scotland written on them, too.”

    Customer: “I can see that! I’m not stupid!”

    Me: “I didn’t mean to imply you were, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, you did. I just wonder why the h*** anyone would want to buy a knick-knack from a country that has a different country’s name on it. What’s the point?”

    Me: “I really don’t know what to tell you. We’ve just always stocked those mugs.”

    Customer: “I don’t see the point.” *calls to his wife, who comes over*

    Customer: “There are England mugs in a Scotland shop!”

    Customer’s wife: “Wow, that’s really f***ing stupid. What’s the point? Ask the girl.”

    Customer: “She doesn’t know. This is so stupid.”

    Customer’s wife: “She’s stupid. ”

    (His wife puts down the Loch Ness Monster teddy she is holding and walks out of the shop. He turns back to me.)

    Customer: “You should know things like that. You do work here. What’s the point?!”

    Never Smart: Biting The Hand That Makes Your Coffee

    | Sheffield, UK |

    Customer: “I want a coffee.”

    Me: “What sort of coffee can I get for you, sir?”

    Customer: “Just black coffee.”

    Me: “Would you like drip coffee or an Americano, sir?”

    Customer: “Don’t make it so BLOODY COMPLICATED, just get me a coffee! And don’t try to sell me them fancy things like sprinkles, neither!”

    (My coworker and I stifle our laughter as I silently ring up the largest size of the most expensive ‘black’ coffee.)

    Customer: “That’s better. No more of your lip!”

    Coworker: *laughs out loud*

    iPod, Meet iDiet

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Top

    (I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

    Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

    Me: “No…?”

    (I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until 10 minutes later.)

    Unlimited Nights, Weekends and Spelling

    | Tennessee, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Wireless. May I have the 10 digit number you’re calling about today?”

    Customer: “Yes, can you spell thousand for me?”

    Me: “… excuse me?”

    Customer: “Can you spell thousand?”

    Me: “Um, sure. T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

    Customer: “T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

    Me: “Yes that’s correct…”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you. Can you spell fifteen?”

    Me: “Um, excuse me–”

    Customer: “Can you spell fifteen?”

    Me: “F-I-F-T-E-E-N.”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you!” *click*

    Me: ???

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