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  • Existential Dilemmas

    | Piscataway, NJ, USA |

    Me: “Hi, Ms. B***’s office.”

    Caller: “Hi, is Ms. B*** in today?”

    Me: “No, sorry. She’s on vacation. Can I take a message?”

    Caller: “Yes. Wait… are you an answering machine?”

    Me: “Uh… no, ma’am.”

    Caller: “Are you sure?!”

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    Nothin’ Like A Good Old Existential Meltdown

    Personally, I Prefer Stars And Polkadots

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    American customer: “Your flag is just so pretty. I love maple leaves. Does it come in blue?”

    Me: “Um, no, sorry, only red.”

    American customer: “That’s a shame. My kitchen is blue, and it would look so pretty on the wall. You should make them in other colours.”

    Me: “…”

    Canadian customer behind her: “That’s a good point. I’ve always thought the stars-and-stripes would look great in earth tones.”

    American customer: “Our flag is ALWAYS red, white and blue! Honestly, Canadians are so stupid sometimes.”

    Sometimes, You Just Can’t Win, Part 2

    | American Fork, UT, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is Alyssa, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, yeah, someone from your company called me and they were being all friendly to me over the phone.”

    Me: “… Oh? Were they rude to you in anyway?”

    Caller: “No… it’s just… they were being all nice… and I don’t like it when people pretend to be my friend, like they know me!”

    Me: “All right, but I don’t understand what the problem is with that.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “You know what, I’ll just go ahead and take you off our calling list, okay? You have a great day.”

    Related:
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    On The Need For Male Role Models

    | California, USA |

    (While standing in line for the bathroom at a resort, I overhear two young boys talking.)

    Boy 1: “Why are the lines for the girl’s bathroom always longer? Is it because the boy’s bathroom has that special sink?”

    Boy 2: “You mean the urinal?”

    Boy 1: “Yeah. ‘Cause you can fit like five guys around it.”

    Boy 2: “Or, if they’re skinny, you can fit seven or eight.”

    Boy 1: “And if they’re FAT you can only fit two.”

    Liar Liar Pants On Fire

    | Vienna, Austria |

    Me: “Hello, *** Customer Support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I have a problem with my bill.”

    Me: “Let’s have a look at it, can you give me your customer number please?”

    Customer: “Sure, it’s…”

    (While he gives me the number, the fire alarm goes off.)

    Customer: “What is this noise?”

    Me: “It’s the fire alarm, Sir. I’m afraid I have to call you back later.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. Well, can we go through my bill now?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t do this right now. The fire alarm is on and that means I have to leave the building.”

    Customer: “Yeah, sure. So, my bill–”

    Me: “Sir, I will gladly check your bill once the alarm is out and the building is safe, but now, I really need to hang up and go outside.”

    Customer: “But my bill…”

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid my pants are on fire, so I’d appreciate it if you could agree that I’ll call you back later.”

    Customer: “Oh! Okay then, call me in an hour and I hope your pants are fine.”

    Me: “Thanks. Bye.”

    (My pants of course were not on fire, but I don’t think anything else would have shut him up.)

    Related:
    Liar Liar On The Telephone (Wire)

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