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    Not Just Ol’ Gay Paris Anymore

    | London, UK | Top

    (I am of Chinese descent but I was born and raised in London. I am serving a table of American tourists, headed by a rather boisterous older woman.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant] what will you be having today?”

    Customer: “Oh my God!”

    Me: “Are you okay, ma’am?”

    Customer: “What’s wrong with your voice?”

    Me: “Nothing, ma’am. I’m perfectly fine.”

    Customer: “But you sound English!”

    Me: “I am. I was born here.”

    Customer: “But, that’s impossible!”

    Me: “I assure you, ma’am, I was born right here in London. This is my normal accent. So, what can I get you to order?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “21, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Would you like to meet my daughter? She’s thinking of studying here for school.”

    Me: “No thanks, ma’am. I’m gay and have a boyfriend so I doubt she’d be interested in me.”

    Customer: “You’re gay?”

    Me: “Guilty.”

    Customer: “So that explains the accent.”

    In A Mail Dominated Industry, Some Are Left Behind

    | Yuma, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

    (I’ve set up an elderly customer up with a paid public computer to use.)

    Customer: “How do I get to my email?”

    Me: “Who is your account with?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. Who?”

    Me: “You don’t know?”

    Customer: “The email account doesn’t come with the computer?”

    You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 3

    | Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “Good afternoon, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Can you tell me if you carry Chlamydia?”

    Me: *long pause* “Um… I’m sorry, is this a plant you are looking for?”

    Caller: “Yes! The pink one. You know, Chlamydia!”

    Me: “Do you mean Cyclamen?”

    Caller: “Yeah! Cyclamen, Chlamydia, they’re all the same thing. So, do you have anyone there that can give me some Chlamydia?”

    You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Item
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number

    Aisle Be Watching You

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Top

    (I’ve misunderstood a question and directed the customer to the wrong aisle. I’m trying to tell her the correct aisle.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I thought you meant something else. What you’re looking for is actually down aisle 8. It’s the last item on the right.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you, and I’m too tired to look for it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can verify that it is in aisle 8. There is a display a few feet away so you won’t have to walk all the way down there.”

    Customer: “What is the store phone number?”

    (The customer dials the store number with the phone in front of me. It’s on speaker phone so I hear ringing on her end and then ringing on my phone. I pick up the phone and look right at the customer standing no more than a foot away from me.)

    Me: “Hello [store name].”

    Customer: “Yes, hi. I have a question about a product you sell. What aisle is [product] down?”

    Me: “Aisle 8. Last item on the right.”

    Customer: “Thank you.” *hangs up, looks at me* “At least she knew what she was talking about!”

    Post-Grammatic Stress

    | Massachusetts, USA | Uncategorized

    (I have just completed a transaction and given the customer their coffee.)

    Me: “Have a great day!”

    Customer: “What did you say to me?”

    Me: “I said have a great day.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s impossible. I am an English teacher. It’s impossible to have a great day. Something will always go wrong to prevent ‘great’ from being the correct adjective to describe ‘day’. I find you wishing me the impossible insulting.”

    Me: “Have a decent day?”

    Customer: “Thank you.”

    (The customer sits down to eat near the register and opens a book. Another customer orders and pays.)

    Me: “Have a great day!”

    Original Customer: “I heard that!”

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