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    Because Real Men Don’t Need (Or Follow) Instructions

    , | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (This all began over the phone with a male customer who hadn’t received a instruction manual with their game.)

    Me: “Okay, so you didn’t receive a manual correct?”

    Male Customer: “Yes, that’s correct. Can I bring it in and exchange it for another that has a manual?”

    Me: “Of course, just bring in both the game and the receipt.”

    Male Customer:“Ok, great. I should be there in about half an hour.”

    Me: “Sounds good.”

    (Half an hour later…)

    Male Customer: “Hey, I called about returning my game without the manual.”

    Me: “Oh yeah, sure. I’ve got the game ready for you and everything. So all I need is the receipt…”

    (A look of horror crosses the customer’s face, which is quickly replaced with a look of feigned puzzlement.)

    Male Customer: “… receipt?”

    Me: “Yes, receipt.”

    Male Customer: “You didn’t tell me to bring a receipt. Can we do it without it?”

    Me: “Er… no. I very specifically told you to bring one so we could do the transaction. Also, I need to know the games from our store.”

    Male Customer: “No, you didn’t! Look, I just drove across town to get here to get this stupid manual from you guys because you didn’t give it to me!”

    Me: “That was a factory defect sir, we don’t package the games, we just sell them. Also, there’s nothing I can do without a receipt.”

    Male Customer: “Well, can’t you just open that one–” *points to the new game I’ve pulled out for him* “–and give me the manual from there?”

    Me: “No, that would leave us with another game with no manual, only it wouldn’t be in our system. We can’t do the transaction and we also need to know that it’s from our store first.”

    Male Customer: “Look dude, just give it to me, your boss doesn’t have to know!”

    (I glance to my side where my manager is standing with a badge that says “Manager”. He sighs and quite calmly says… )

    Manager: “Sir, please go home, be a man and learn the game without reading the manual first. Thank you. Goodbye.”

    Oral Fixations, The Later Years

    | Southern California, USA |

    (A customer takes a free sample from a barrel marked “FREE DOG BISCUITS”.)

    Woman: “Are these free?”

    Me: “Yes, those are free samples.”

    Woman: “What are they?” *rips package open*

    Me: “Those are dog biscuits, ma’am.”

    Woman: *takes a bite of the DOG BISCUITS* “These are the worst cookies I’ve ever tasted!”

    Me: “No doubt…”

    Life Before Google Street Views

    | Beverly, MA, USA |

    (I work in an insurance agency in the middle of a downtown shopping district. A customer called and asked to be transferred to the agent with the desk by the window.)

    Me: “Hi, this is ***** speaking. Can I get your last name, please?”

    Customer: “It’s Clark, but what do you need that for?”

    Me: “Well, each agent deals with a different segment of the alphabet, so clients with last names beginning with A-H go to Joan. I will need to transfer you.”

    Customer: “Does Joan have a desk by the window?”

    Me: “Uh… no, ma’am, but she will have all of your files.¬†If you can hold for a moment, I will transfer you.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want to talk to Joan. I want to talk to you. You are the one who sits near the window, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Yes, but as I said–”

    Customer: “Look, I don’t want to talk to anyone but you!¬†Joan doesn’t sit near the window, so she can’t help me. I need to talk to someone who has view of the street.”

    Me: “Um, okay–”

    Customer: “Now if you are done, would you please tell me what the name of the curtain shop across the street from you is called?”

    Me: “Huh? Uh, Country Curtains.”

    Customer: “Thank you. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” *hangs up*

    Me: “…”

    (Telepathic) Help Wanted, Part 3

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (Note: this is something I witnessed.)

    Clerk: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for this movie. I rented it before, but I want it again.”

    Clerk: “Sure thing, what’s the title?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know. ”

    Clerk: “What was it about?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Clerk: “Well, do you remember what the cover looked like?”

    Customer: “No, not really.”

    Clerk: “Who was in it?”

    Customer: “I didn’t pay attention. ”

    Clerk: “…”

    Customer: “…”

    Clerk: “Sir, I can’t find the movie without any details.”

    Customer: “Isn’t that your job?!”

    (Telepathic) Help Wanted, Part 2
    (Telepathic) Help Wanted

    From Parallel To Perpendicular

    | Jackson, MI, USA |

    (In our hospital sleep lab, we have a bunch of rooms with beds for people to sleep on. Every room is monitored and recorded with a video camera so we can watch the patients while they’re sleeping. One day, my daughter’s math teacher came in…)

    Me: “Hey, Mr. ***! Let me hook you up and you can get to sleep.”

    Mr. ***: “Alright.”

    (I hook him up and tell him to try to sleep as quickly as he can.¬†We don’t give our patients sleep medication because that could interfere with their normal sleep habits. As I return to the control room, I hear hysterical laughter.)

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Coworker: “Who did you say that guy was?”

    Me: “Oh! My daughter’s math teacher at her high school.”

    (Everyone laughs harder.)

    Me: “What is going on??”

    (My coworker points to the screen showing Mr. ***’s room. He’s masturbating.)

    Me, over the intercom: “MR. ***, PLEASE! You are being recorded!”

    Mr. ***: “But you said to go to sleep as fast as I can!” ¬†

    Me: “That’s not appropriate!”

    Mr. ***: “Well, fine! I guess a man can’t get any privacy when he’s trying to sleep!¬†YOU’RE inappropriate! Why the h*** were you watching me?!” *gets dressed and storms out of the hospital*

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