November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Neither Conspiracy Nor Coincidence Nor Concept Of Time

| Texas, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “[Restaurant], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, what time do you stop serving breakfast?”

Me: “10:30.”

Customer: “Okay, and what time does lunch start?”

Me: “10:30.”

Customer: “Well, that works out nicely, doesn’t it?”

Ah, Mothers, Part 4

| Staffordshire, UK | Uncategorized

(A lady comes running up to the till almost in tears, screaming that she has lost her daughter. I ask the lady for her daughter’s details. As a rule, we are not allowed to say the child’s name.)

Customer: “Just call her name!”

Me: “We can’t do that. How old is she and what is she wearing?”

Customer: “Just call her name! Please, I just need to find her. She’s lost. She’ll be scared.”

Me: “If you can tell us what she looks like and her age, we can put a call out for her and everybody in store can look out for her.”

Customer: “Just call her name will you! Stop being so cocky!”

Me: “We really aren’t supposed to put out names. If somebody finds your daughter, she is more likely to go off with them if they say her name.”

Customer: “Are you stupid? She is 37 years old! She isn’t going to go off with some stranger!”

Ah, Mothers, Part 3
Ah, Mothers, Part 2
Ah, Mothers

The Five-Minute Fan

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Uncategorized

(At the bookstore where I work, we sell tickets for local events.)

Customer: “Hi. I’d like tickets.”

Me: “Alright, for which show?”

Customer: “I don’t know. I heard about it on the radio today, but I can’t remember who it is.”

Me: “Did they say when the concert was?”

Customer: “Um…”

Me: “Was it coming up soon?”

Customer: *shrugs*

Me: “Do you remember anything at all about it?”

Customer: “I think the guy’s name was…” *spews out a couple syllables as he tries to guess a name*

Me: “Is it ***?”

Customer: “Yeah! That’s the one! I want tickets for that show!”

Me: “Unfortunately, that show is tonight, and it’s been sold out for the past week.”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “There haven’t been tickets available for a few days now.”

Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me! I’ve been waiting ages to go see this show, and now you’re telling me I can’t? This is ridiculous!”

Passing It Forward

| A.C.T., Australia | Uncategorized

Me: “How are you today sir?”

Customer: “Ahhhhh…well, I’m pretty good now!”

Me: “Now?”

Customer: “I’ve just had a horrible stomach ache all day, but I just farted and I feel much better!”

Me: “That’s…nice…”

(The relieved customer leaves, but another customer approaches. They’re unaware of the previous conversation.)

Another customer: “Can you smell something? Do you think it’s the meat? Does it smell off to you?”

Me: “No, miss. I don’t think it’s the meat.”

Blind To Reason

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

(A customer walks in with a small dog in her purse.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss, but you can’t have your dog in here. You’ll need to leave it in your car.”

Customer: “Why? Chanel is my baby! There is no way I could leave her in my car!”

Me: “Miss, having your dog in here is unsanitary. She has to go back into your car before you can shop.”

Customer: “That is so dumb! Let me speak to your manager!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, miss?”

Customer: “This girl says I can’t have my dog in here! But I totally should be allowed to. Babies are allowed in, and Chanel is my baby!”

Manager: “Babies are a different story, miss.”

Customer: “My dog could die if I leave her in the car!”

(A clearly blind man now comes in with his seeing eye dog.)

Customer: “You let that guy with his dog in! This is sexual discrimination!”

Manager: “Miss, that man is blind. We can’t tell him to leave his dog outside.”

Customer: “So, only blind people can have their dogs in the store?”

Manager: “That’s right.”

(The customer leaves, and my manager disappears. 10 minutes later, the customer returns. She is wearing sunglasses and has her dog on a leash.)

Me: “Miss, I’ve already told you this. You need to leave your dog in your car.”

Customer: “But I’m blind and this is my seeing dog!”

Me: “You weren’t blind 10 minutes ago, and you aren’t blind now. Please leave, or I will have you escorted out.”

Customer: “Fine, I’ll shop somewhere else! God, you people are so dumb!”