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    There’s A Sucker Infected Every Minute

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Technology, Uncategorized

    (A customer is wondering why her anti-virus is asking her to purchase the program.)

    Me: “What is the name of your anti-virus?”

    Customer: “It is [name of a well-known fake anti-virus program].”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is a fake anti-virus. Do not purchase that program because it will not protect your computer.”

    Customer: “No! Why do you want me to disable my anti-virus? I will not get rid of it! It’s keeping my computer safe! I already purchased it three times and it still wants me to pay again! All I want to know is how to stop it from asking me to pay!”

    Bi-Curiouser and Curiouser

    | Salem, NH, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words, Top

    (I am speaking Spanish to a customer at the register. I finish the transaction and see the next customer.)

    Customer: *speaking loudly and slowly* “Hello! I want to pay cash!”

    Me: “Find everything you need today?”

    Customer: “Wow so you can speak English and Spanish? I didn’t think you spoke any English”

    Me: “Yes, I’m bilingual”

    Customer: “Wow! So you speak two languages fluently and you’re gay?”

    Me: “No, just bilingual.”

    Customer: “I heard you the first time silly! Lots of gay pride in you, huh?”

    Some Guys Are Made Of The Right Stuff

    | Carbondale, IL, USA | Books & Reading, Top

    Customer: “Excuse me, could you help me find a book on grieving? My husband just died.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. They’re right over here.”

    (I lead her over to the death and grieving books.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you find today?”

    Customer: “Actually yes. I’m also looking for a book on taxidermy.”

    Don’t Bank On It

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Uncategorized

    (I am assisting a young woman over the phone; she has just had her wallet stolen.)

    Caller: “Can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    Caller: “I had $200 in cash in my wallet when it was stolen. If I tell the police how much was in it, will they give it to me?”

    Me: “You mean, if you tell them you had $200 in cash stolen, will they just give you $200?”

    Caller: “Yes! Will they give it to me?”

    Me: “I don’t think it works that way. If they manage to recover your wallet and the money is still inside they would probably return it to you, but I don’t think that happens very often.”

    Caller: “Oh.”

    *long pause*

    Caller: “What if I told them it was $20? Do you think they would give me that much?”

    Goodbye Dolly

    | Indiana, USA | School, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, can I buy three tickets?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re sold out.”

    Customer: “Isn’t this [town] High School?”

    Me: “Yes, but this show is sold out.”

    Customer: “How many seats are left?”

    Me: “None. We’re sold out. There’s another show tomorrow at–

    Customer: “Well, next time you should think about being already sold out before you start selling tickets!”

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