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    Never Smart: Biting The Hand That Makes Your Coffee

    | Sheffield, UK |

    Customer: “I want a coffee.”

    Me: “What sort of coffee can I get for you, sir?”

    Customer: “Just black coffee.”

    Me: “Would you like drip coffee or an Americano, sir?”

    Customer: “Don’t make it so BLOODY COMPLICATED, just get me a coffee! And don’t try to sell me them fancy things like sprinkles, neither!”

    (My coworker and I stifle our laughter as I silently ring up the largest size of the most expensive ‘black’ coffee.)

    Customer: “That’s better. No more of your lip!”

    Coworker: *laughs out loud*

    iPod, Meet iDiet

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Top

    (I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

    Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

    Me: “No…?”

    (I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until 10 minutes later.)

    Unlimited Nights, Weekends and Spelling

    | Tennessee, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Wireless. May I have the 10 digit number you’re calling about today?”

    Customer: “Yes, can you spell thousand for me?”

    Me: “… excuse me?”

    Customer: “Can you spell thousand?”

    Me: “Um, sure. T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

    Customer: “T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

    Me: “Yes that’s correct…”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you. Can you spell fifteen?”

    Me: “Um, excuse me–”

    Customer: “Can you spell fifteen?”

    Me: “F-I-F-T-E-E-N.”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you!” *click*

    Me: ???

    Accidental Lemonade From Lemons

    | Amsterdam, The Netherlands |

    Me: “Hi, can I help with anything?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a good book.”

    Me: “Do you have any specific genre or subject in mind?”

    Customer: “Yes, a good one… one that I’ll like.”

    Me: “Um, you’ll have to be a bit more specific. I don’t really know what you like. Science fiction, thriller, fantasy, horror, that sort of thing?”

    Customer: “Well, don’t you know any good books?”

    Me: “I haven’t actually read them all, but–”

    Customer: “You haven’t? What kind of librarian are you? Isn’t there anyone here who can help me?”

    Me: “This one–” *holding up a book* “–is pretty popular at the mo–”

    Customer: “How do you know I’ll like it?! You can’t know that. I want a book that I’ll like.”

    (I get frustrated and just grab a random book that was recently turned in.)

    Me: “Here, you’ll love this one!”

    (Unfortunately, she did like it, and told my boss to thank me for my great suggestion. Darn.)

    If At First You Don’t Succeed…

    | New Albany, IN, USA |

    (We were trying to troubleshoot a printer than quit working…)

    Coworker: “… go ahead and click on the printer and faxes icon.”

    Customer: “It’s not opening.”

    (My coworker tries it himself, and waits nearly 40 minutes for a window to pop up: it eventually shows 70,916 documents in the queue!)

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