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    Thomas Jefferson, Colonial Hippie

    | Shiloh, IL, USA |

    (A lady wants to make a credit card payment with a temporary check, which is not accepted at the store I work at. It goes all the way up to the top manager in the store and the exchange of words is glorious:)

    Manager: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, this lady told me you can’t accept temporary checks?”

    Manager: “Yes ma’am, unfortunately in the past we’ve had trouble cashing those checks. It’s nothing against you personally, but based on past problems we can’t accept temporary checks.”

    Customer: “So let me get this straight? You treat everyone exactly the same way?”

    Manager: “Uh…yes.”

    Customer: “Well if this place isn’t run by a bunch of stupid liberals!”

    The Gall To Call A Small A Tall

    | Southlake, TX, USA |

    (I work in a coffee place that has “special” names for their sizes. Since no one can ever get them right, I just started saying small, medium and large to make it easier.)

    Customer: “I’ll have a vanilla latte please.”

    Me: “Sure. Would you like the large?”

    Customer: “Yeah. That’s the small, right?”

    Someone Who Actually Lives Under A Rock

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (A man has been waiting for a table at a full restaurant for 15 minutes. A family of four walks in with reservations and is immediately seated. The man approaches the hostess.)

    Man: “I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. Why were they seated before me?”

    Hostess: “I’m sorry, sir, but they called to reserve a table.”

    Man: “What, just because they called they get a table right when they come in?”

    Hostess: “Yes, sir, they called ahead to reserve a table.”

    Man: “Well, that’s dumb! So if I go outside and call can I come back in and get a table right now?”

    Hostess: “No sir, I’m sorry, but we require at least a couple hours notice for reservations.”

    Man: “Well that’s G** d*** stupid! So he calls and gets a table right away, but I can’t call and get a table? What the h*** is wrong with this place?”

    *man storms out*

    Your Urgency Is Not My Emergency

    | Kirkland, WA, USA |

    Me: “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

    9-1-1 caller: “My phone’s been shut off and the only number I can call is 9-1-1.”

    Me: “Are you calling about your phone being shut off or do you have an emergency?”

    9-1-1 caller: “My phone. I paid my bill. It should be working.”

    Me: “You’ll have to take that up with the phone company.”

    9-1-1 caller: “Well, can you tell them to turn it back on? I paid my bill.”

    Me: “No, you’ll need to contact them. This is the police department and this is an emergency line. I’m going to have to disconnect the call. You need to contact the phone company to get your phone turned back on.”

    9-1-1 caller: “But my phone’s not working! I need it fixed now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. This is the police department. We can’t fix your phone. You’ll need to hang up and contact your phone company. We can’t do anything about your phone.”

    9-1-1 caller: “Well that’s not right! I need help. My phone isn’t working and what if I need it? What if I have an emergency?”

    Me: “You just dialed 9-1-1.”

    Honey, You Don’t Know The Half Of It

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I was helping out a fellow co-worker by serving about three people at of her tables some decaf. At this point, the pitcher was half full.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you?”

    (The customer takes a sip of the decaf, makes a face, and SPITS IT OUT all over the table.)

    Old Man: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

    Old Man: “You’re almost out of coffee. Do you know what this means?”

    Me: “…that I have to make another pot?”

    Old Man: “I taste coffee bean residue in here. I require that you give me another pitcher.”

    Me: “No problem, sir…”

    (I go and fetch the other decaf pitcher, which is also half full.)

    Me: “Will this one do, sir?”

    Old Man: “What is with you people trying to give me the bottom of the pitcher? I’M NOT A BOTTOM MAN!”

    (I immediately ran back to the kitchen and laughed for about 10 minutes.)

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