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    Thank You For Calling Webster’s

    | California, USA |

    (Ok, to explain. I work in a company that sells landscaping materials. You know…rock, dirt, compost, etc. This is a phone conversation I had.)

    Me: “Hello, [Company Name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer:: “Hello, I had a question about compost.”

    Me: “Well, we have two kinds. Mushroom compost and chicken compost.”

    Customer:: “Well, I want to know what is compost.”

    Me: “Well, the mushroom compost is a mixture of horse manure, peat moss, gypsum, oyster-shell lime, straw and composted rice hulls. The chicken–” *customer cuts me off*

    Customer:: “No I mean…what *is* compost?”

    Me: “Decomposing organic matter?”

    Customer:: “I see…what do you mean by ‘decomposing organic matter’?”

    Me: *wondering if this is a prank call by now* “Well…as in organic matter that is breaking down in a natural process…”

    Customer:: “What is ‘organic’?”

    Me: “Okay. What do you think happens when you throw your coffee grounds, apple cores, and other scraps into a huge pile with animal manure?”

    Customer:: “…it starts to stink.”

    Me: “Because it’s decomposing.”

    Customer:: “…but what is ‘decomposing’?”

    Me: “It’s rotting.”

    Customer:: “…and we put this in our gardens?”

    Me: “Ironic, isn’t it?”

    Customer:: “Okay, so what do you mean by ‘matter’?”

    (I’m sure you can all figure out how this conversation went at this point. 20 minutes of my life I will never have back.)

    I’ll Take A Double Entendre With A Side Of Innuendo

    | Redmond, OR, USA |

    (I was a pump attendant (Oregon is a no-self-serve state) and a fairly attractive middle-aged woman in a mid 90′s Ford pickup pulled up for fuel. Now, that style of truck has two gas tanks, one in front, one in back. Here’s our conversation:)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Her: “I just need ten bucks worth of diesel, please.”

    Me: “Okay, which tank?”

    Her: “Oh, I think I’ll take it in the rear tonight!”

    (We both paused, she turned bright red, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing!)

    Always Right, Even When They’re At The Wrong Store

    | Crestwood, MO, USA |

    (I worked this job over a year ago and got plenty of peachy customers, this is one that sticks with you though…)

    Customer: “I need to pick up my copy order.”

    Me: “Sure thing, what’s the name on that?”

    Customer: “*******, and it’s very important so it had better be right.”

    (I proceed to the bins where we keep our completed orders and can’t find one, can’t find a work order sheet, and when I check our production log nothing has been checked in.)

    Me: “Erm… Sir, are you sure this is the correct location? I seem to be having trouble finding this order…”

    Customer: “Yea, I’m sure, my wife dropped it off here. You better get off your a** and find it!”

    (So I keep looking over and over again. Neanwhile he’s still telling me off and using much less than appropriate language. My supply side manager had a bad night, so I was dead set on settling it myself.)

    Me, again: “Sir, I’m not seeing it but I want to get your name again just to be sure.”

    Customer: “You really are useless aren’t you? The name is *******, stupida**. I’ll even call my wife and she can confirm it for you!”

    (I cross my arms and wait patiently for him to make his call. It’s little surprise to me when he pales a little and hangs up.)

    Customer: “It’s at ****** Depot…BUT IT’S STILL YOUR FAULT THAT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!”

    *customer storms out*

    Always Right Even When Calling The Wrong Store

    Full Of Sh*t, In So Many Ways

    | Walnut Creek, CA, USA |

    (Note: our bathrooms decided to back up and so we had to lock them.)

    Customer: “Can you unlock the bathroom?”

    Me: “Sorry, they are out of order.”

    Customer: “What do you mean!? I need to go!”

    Me: “The bagel shop next door has a bathroom that they’ll be glad to let you use.”

    Customer: “There used to be a day when the customer was always right!”

    *storms off and probably shat his pants*

    And They Wonder Why Customer Service Is Slow

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “WHERE ARE MY BOOKS?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I had a big pile of books and I put them on that bench and now they’re gone!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry about that ma’am. See, a lot of customers just leave books around the store so we regularly walk around and put away books that are left out.”

    Customer: “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”

    Me: “To keep the store in some kind of logical order. What books were they? I’ll help you find them again.”

    Customer: “I don’t REMEMBER! You tell ME what books they were!”

    Me: “I have no idea what books you had ma’am, but I can walk around the store with you and see if we can jog your memory.”

    Customer: “I have foot problems! I’m very old! I can’t walk around the store all over again! Find my books!”

    (At this point a manager intervenes and between him and 3 other employees we actually find all 7 of the books this lady wanted. She didn’t say thank you, proceeds to walk around the store without any problem, leaves the books on the same bench again and then leaves the store without buying anything.)

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