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    Policemen Never Take Sabbath-icals

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Religion, Uncategorized

    (I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

    Driver: “Are you off duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off duty.”

    Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and police written all over it*

    Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

    Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to hell!”

    General Knowledge Generally Gets You In Trouble

    | Seattle, WA | Books & Reading, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hello, do you work here?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry I don’t.”

    Customer: “Then why do you have so many books in your hands?”

    Me: “I am about to purchase them.”

    Customer: “You read?”

    Me: “Yes”

    Customer: “Then you must work here.”

    Me: “I’m sorry but I don’t.”

    Customer: *picking up one of the books in my arms* “J.D. Salinger? Who’s that?”

    Me: “An author. He wrote Catcher in the Rye.”

    Customer: “See! You do work here! You know what books he wrote!”

    Stereo-Griping

    | Auckland, New Zealand | Bizarre, Top

    (While stocking items on the shelf I notice a guy sitting by the changing rooms with the bored, “being forced to go shopping with the missus” look on his face.)

    Me: “Girlfriend making you comment on everything in the store?”

    Guy: “Me? No. I’m gay. My friend only just found out and figured we could go shopping together despite my protests.”

    Me: “Sorry bout the mistake, you just had the usual ‘get me out of here’ look.”

    (At this point the girl comes out of the changing room to show off her outfit.)

    Girl: “What do you think?”

    Guy: “I don’t know. It’s good, I guess.”

    Girl: *in a huff* “You’re no good at this! What’s the point in being gay if you don’t like shopping for clothes?!”

    (She storms back into the changing room.)

    Guy: “Jeez, this is worse than having to come out to my parents.”

    At Least His Answer Is In The Right Aria

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Musical Mayhem, Uncategorized

    (I am giving a tour of the opera house to a group of 5th graders. We are backstage and we pass a large service elevator, generally used to transport grand pianos, costume racks, etc.)

    Me: “So, guys, who can think of a reason why the opera needs such a big elevator?”

    *silence*

    Kid in the back: “Because there are REALLY BIG PEOPLE in operas!”

    Turn The Tables

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Money, Uncategorized

    (We have a coupon for a free entrée. A new waitress comes up and asks me a question.)

    Co-Worker: “How do I handle two coupons?”

    Me: “What?”

    Co-Worker: “My table of three by the window. They got the entrées and waters. They want to use two coupons.”

    Me: “They can’t use two coupons. It says ‘one per group’. Tell her to save it for next week.”

    Co-Worker: “She says they are two groups. So they want to use two coupons.”

    Me: “They can’t use two coupons because it’s only one check.”

    (She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

    Co-Worker: “She says she wants separate checks.”

    Me: “Tell her she can’t have separate checks just because she wants to use two coupons.”

    (She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

    Co-Worker: “They want to talk to a manager.”

    (A third co-worker and I argue over what to do, as the manager isn’t here tonight. Reluctantly, I go out to the table, posing as the manager. I tell them the same thing that the waitress told them.)

    Me: “Ma’am our policy is that coupons can only be used one per group. You are all obviously one group, as you are sitting at the same table.”

    (Irately, the woman grabs the table; which happens to be two separate tables placed together, and moves them about six inches apart.)

    Customer: “There. Now we are two separate tables.”

    Me: *trying to remain courteous* “I’ll see what I can do.”

    (I go back, separate the checks, apply the discounts, and take both checks to the table.)

    Me: “I can take that when you are ready.”

    (She fishes in her purse, and hands me her credit card.)

    Customer: “Use my card to pay for both!”

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