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    Crimes of Opportunity

    | Beaverton, OR, USA |

    Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Young customer: “My wireless connection isn’t working. Can you take a look at it?”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    (I get his laptop set-up and test the wireless. It picks up the store wireless with no problem.)

    Me: “Well, pal it looks like your laptop is working just fine. It’s possible that it could be your router that’s the problem.”

    Young customer: “I don’t have a router. I was just using a neighbor’s. They left and all the other signals are weak or locked.”

    Me: “Then there is not a lot I can do for you, pal.”

    Young customer: “Can’t you sell me a new wireless card so I can get a better signal?”

    Me: “Yeah, sure, but that’s illegal.¬†It’s considered theft of services to use someone’s connection without their permission.”

    Young customer: “No, it’s not.¬†If they didn’t want people using it, they would lock it.”

    Me: “Yes, yes it is illegal. If I was to steal your car because you left it unlocked, and got caught. I would still go to jail.”

    Young customer: “That’s different.”

    Me: *sigh* “Sure it is. You have a nice day.”

    Young customer: *storms off*

    Someone Seriously Needs A Time-Out

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (I was in line at a Texas-style BBQ restaurant that serves you counter-style. A Wall Street-type dressed in a very expensive designer business suit is two people ahead of me.)

    Counter guy: “What can I get you?”

    Customer: “I need two pounds of moist brisket, wrapped up to go.”

    Counter guy: “Sorry, we just ran out.”

    Customer: ¬†*slams fist on counter* “AAGGHH, ¬†F***! What the f***?!”

    Counter guy: ¬†”Um…. I’m sorry sir. We still have plenty of the lean brisket.”

    Customer:¬†”I don’t want the f***ing lean brisket.¬†I came all the way here for the moist.¬†I can’t f***ing believe this s***! What the f***?”

    Counter guy: “Sir…”

    Customer:¬†”Ahh, s***! I can’t believe I came all the way the f*** up here for this s***. Of course you’re out! Why wouldn’t you f***ing have the moist? Ahh!”

    Counter guy: “Sir, really, we have the lean and its still very good.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want the lean, I came for the moist.¬†S***! This f***ing sucks!”

    Counter guy: “C’mon, sir, just try the lean. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

    Customer: “No, I won’t! I want the moist. How the f*** can you be out?¬†F***!”

    Counter guy:¬†*offers a free sample of lean brisket* “I’ll give you some to try. Please, sir, just try it.”

    Customer: “Fine! ¬†I’ll try the d*** lean!”

    (He takes a bite.)

    Customer: *completely calm* “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not bad at all. I’ll take two pounds to go, please.”

    Simple Coke For Simple Folk

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but what is in your black currant tea?”

    Me: “Oh, it’s just black currant tea.”

    Customer:¬†”But what’s in it?”

    Me: “Dried black currant tea leaves.”

    Customer: “But what’s in it?”

    Me: “Black. Currant. Tea.”

    Customer: “But you aren’t telling me what’s in it!”

    Me:¬†”Ma’am, the tea distributors pluck leaves from a black currant plant. Then, they dry them out, and package them. Then, we pour hot water over the tea leaves, which infuses the hot water with the flavor of the tea.”

    Customer: “But what’s in it?”

    (My boss comes over.)

    Boss:¬†”Ma’am, would you like a Coke?”

    Drive-Thru Virgin

    | Savannah, GA, USA |

    (A customer pulls up to the drive thru and the headpiece beeps in my ear to alert me.)

    Me: ¬†”Welcome to ***** Coffee. ¬†What can I get for you?”

    Customer: *no response*

    Me: ¬†”Hello? What can I get for you?”

    Customer: *no response*

    (The customer drives up to the drive thru window.)

    Customer: “There must be something wrong with your drive-thru.¬†I kept talking but you didn’t hear me.”

    Me: “I was trying to talk to you. I know it works because I have been using it all day.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s broken now.”

    Me: “Did you roll down your window?”

    Customer: “Oh, I have to do that?”

    Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

    , | Allentown, PA, USA |

    Caller: “I have an explanation of insurance benefits I need help with. There’s a charge on here you didn’t pay for.”

    Me: “It states here the billed amount is $0.00.”

    Caller: “Yes. Why didn’t you pay anything on it?”

    Me: “Well, there was no charge.”

    Caller: “But you’re my insurance! You are supposed to pay.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the doctor did not charge for this service. There was no amount billed.”

    Caller: “So I have to pay the doctor?”

    Me: “No, ma’am… he charged zero dollars. It was free.”

    Caller: “I don’t see why I pay for insurance if you’re not going to pay.”

    Me: “We gave the doctor what he asked for.”

    Caller: “So you’re going to pay him?”

    Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We’ll take care of this, and make sure you’re not charged.”

    Caller: “Ha! I told my husband if I called and argued with you, you’d cave!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We do want to make you happy. Have a good day now…”

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