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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Not Quite An Open And Shut Case

    | Kittery, ME, USA |

    (This caller was a real-life version of the one in How To Open a Book.)

    Caller: “Hi, I bought a DVD here earlier today, but I can’t get it out of the case. ”

    Me: “Alright, is it a new or pre-owned DVD?”

    (Our pre-owned DVDs are all locked with a piece of red plastic that has to be removed before they leave the store.)

    Caller: “I don’t know. It was like $7.”

    Me: “Well, we have both pre-owned and new movies at that price. Is the case wrapped in plastic?”

    Caller: “Well, there’s plastic on it.”

    Me: “Alright, so you’ll need to take the plastic off of the case.”

    Caller: “That won’t break it?”

    Me: “If the case is wrapped in transparent plastic, you are going to need to remove all of that plastic first.”

    Caller: “How? I don’t want to break it.”

    Me: “Okay. You’ll need to remove the plastic wrap. If you have problems, get a pair of scissors or a knife and use that to cut open the plastic, and then take it off the case.”

    Caller: “Okay, but it still won’t open.”

    Me: “Are there any stickers covering the sides of the case?”

    Caller: “Yes. There’s one on the top. ”

    Me: “You’ll need to pull that off.”

    Caller: “The case still won’t open, though. I don’t want to break it.”

    Me: “Are there any other stickers on the case?”

    Caller: “No. Well, there’s one of the left side that looks like the one on the top.”

    Me: “Right. You’ll have to remove that. And any other stickers that look like it.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. But it’s still not opening.”

    Me: “Any other stickers or plastic wrap?”

    Caller: “No!”

    Me: “Okay… tell me, what does the case look like?”

    Caller: “Well, there’s the side of the case that says the name of the movie and then there’s a black side that looks like the top and bottom.”

    Me: “And what side are you trying to open? The black side?”

    Caller: “No! The side with the title! Why isn’t it opening?”

    Me: “Okay. I want you to put the case down on a table or something. Okay? Now. Put the case face up, like a book, with the front of the case facing you. Okay? Now. Go to the RIGHT side of the case, with the two black pieces of plastic–”

    Caller: “Not the left side?”

    Me: “No. NOT the left side. The RIGHT side.”

    Caller: “So not the side with the title?”

    Me: “No. The RIGHT side. Now. Pull the RIGHT side open.”

    Caller: “It isn’t working!”

    Me: “Are you opening the RIGHT side?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Try the RIGHT side.”

    Caller: “…Oh. Thanks. They shouldn’t make these so hard to open you know!” *click*

    If L’apostrophe, Then French

    | Queensland, Australia |

    (A very angry customer brings a small bag of instant coffee to the counter.)

    Customer: “HOW DARE YOU STOCK THIS?!”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry… can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “This is Australia! How dare you support some French s*** in our country?!”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Customer: “THIS!” *holds the bag out* “See! Right here: ‘Proudly Supporting Jun’ar Ne’ball In Australia.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it actually says, “Proudly supporting Junior Netball in Australia.”

    Personally, I Go There To Do My Taxes

    | Coventry, UK |

    (A group of annoying teenagers had been removed from one of the screens in the cinema for being loud and causing a huge disturbance.)

    Teenager: “I want a refund. I want to talk to a manager. This is unfair!”

    Usher: “Well, you can talk to a manager, but they’ll tell you the same thing I’ve told you.” *calls manager over*

    Manager: “What’s the problem here?”

    Teenager: “We’ve been kicked out of the cinema because apparently someone said we were being noisy and disturbing the film.”

    Manager: “Yes?”

    Teenager: “Yeah, well, we think it’s unfair and we want a refund.”

    Manager: “And why should we give you a refund?”

    Teenager: “Well you know how it is… you come to the cinema to have a laugh and a chat with your mates–”

    Manager: “No you don’t. You come to the cinema to watch a film. Get out.”

    You Know What They Say About Idle Hands…

    , | Port St. Lucie, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pizza place], may I take your order?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a one of those large philly cheesesteak pizzas you’re advertising on TV.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s not us. That’s [competitor].”

    Customer: “What do you mean that’s not you? I just saw the commercial.”

    Me: “I don’t know what commercial you saw, but we don’t have that pizza. Only [competitor] does.”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager, because you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    Me: “Sir, I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Well, obviously you don’t know what you’re talking about. I want your bosses number. I’m gonna tell him about this and then we’ll see.”

    Me: “You’re welcome to call him, but he’ll tell you the same thing I did: that’s not our pizza.”

    Customer: “Then I’ll call his boss and their boss and keep going till I finally get someone who agrees with me!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Must be nice to have that much time on your hands!”

    Bureacracy’s Hidden Benefits

    | Minnesota, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Client: “I’d like to know why I haven’t received my benefits.”

    Me: “Let’s just pull up your case. Can I have your case number?”

    (The client gives me their case number and I pull up the case.)

    Me: “Well, it looks like you didn’t return your application. Without an application, we can’t approve welfare benefits.”

    Client: “Can’t we do it over the phone?”

    Me: “No, you need to come in and do an in-person interview so we can get an ID and a signature.”

    Client: “So, we can’t do it over the phone?”

    Me: “No, we need a face-to-face interview.”

    Client: “That’s just too much work. I’ll just go get a job!” *click*

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