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    Your Prank Got Spanked

    | Denver, CO, USA | Top

    (This happened to a friend of mine who owns a gun shop.)

    Friend: “Hello, this is–”

    Caller: *twelve year old sounding voice* “Your mom!”

    Friend: “What?”

    Caller: “What your mom said.”

    Friend: “A prank caller are we?”

    Caller: *mocking tone* “A prank caller are we?”

    Friend: “Do your parents know what you’re doing? Because I have caller ID and I can call them back later.”

    Caller: “My parents are out of town… duuuhhh!”

    Friend: “You must have absolutely no idea what kind of store you just called, then.”

    Caller: “A GAY store?”

    (My friend puts the phone down and opens the locker behind the counter and retrieves a shotgun. He holds it next to the phone and pumps the action.)

    Friend: “Can you guess now?”

    Caller: “…”

    Friend: “You know, your caller ID gave me a first and last name. All I need to do is open a phone book and I can find your address.”

    Caller: *click*

    Arithmophobia

    | Ohio, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant where customers can call and place an order to pick up).

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, how many wings can you get in an order?”

    Me: “We have orders of 6, 12, 18, 24, 50, and 100. Would you like to order some?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want 20.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have 20. The closest we have to 20 is 18.”

    Customer: “How many wings come in your 18-piece?”

    Me: “… 18.”

    Customer: “Okay, are you sure?”

    Me: “I can say for a fact that the 18-piece wing order comes with 18 wings.”

    (This went on for a few minutes. Back and forths of, “Are you sure?” and, “Yes, sir, I am sure you get 18 wings in an 18 wing order.”)

    Me: “Now what can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I think I’m going to eat elsewhere.” *click*

    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

    | Peoria, IL, USA |

    (A male customer comes up to the counter with a box of tampons.)

    Me: “You should meet my husband. We’ve been married seven years and he’s never bought these.”

    Customer: “You should meet my girlfriend.”

    Me: “Persuasive?”

    Customer: “Scary.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Effective Marketing

    , | Orem, UT, USA |

    (An elderly woman is complaining to my manager about a recent ad in which a woman appears in lingerie. The ad is promoting a special on two fish sandwiches for $4.)

    Woman: “I was so offended. I can’t believe they would show that on TV. Children might have been watching!”

    Manager: “I’m very sorry you were offended, ma’am.”

    Woman: “It was so offensive! Is there anyone I can talk to?”

    Manager: “I can give you the number for the regional office or you can send an email from the website.”

    Woman: “It was just so offensive!”

    Manager: “Again, I’m very sorry ma’am. By the way, here are your two fish sandwiches.”

    Horizontal Distance, Loopy Thinking

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    Me: “Good evening, thanks for calling [hotel]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. I’m with the *** wedding party.”

    (I take down his information for dates he’ll be staying and size of beds. Then, we get to the type of room…)

    Me: “… And would you like a standard room, or would you prefer poolside, or could I interest you in a suite or other luxury room?”

    Customer: “I want a standard room. It needs to be near an elevator, because my wife has back problems.”

    Me: “We also have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside, which would be much less walking.”

    Customer: “No. I want it near an elevator.”

    Me: “Sir–”

    Customer: “It’s about the horizontal distance.”

    Me: “Sir, there is no parking near the elevators, and it would be farther for her to walk to the elevator.”

    Customer: “She can take elevators, it’s about the horizontal distance.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. I understand, but we have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside. It would be much closer than if you had to park and then take the elevator.”

    Customer: “I want to be near the elevator!”

    (I put him in one of the standard ground floor rooms anyway with adjacent parking, for the sake of his wife.)

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