July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Testing Plugs And Patience

| Anchorage, AK, USA | Technology, Uncategorized

(Several of our customers recently experienced an internet outage and needed to reset their equipment to get back online.)

Me: “You’ll just need to unplug your modem, wait a few seconds, plug it back in, and then wait for all the lights to come on. Once they’re all on, you’ll be back online. If that doesn’t work, call me back.”

Customer: “Okay, that sounds simple enough.”

(A few minutes later…)

Customer: “I just spoke with you. It’s still not working!”

Me: “I apologize, let’s take a look. Have you reset the modem already?”

Customer: “Yes! I need you to fix this. I need the internet now!”

Me: “Of course. Are all the lights on the modem lit up?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “How long ago did you reset your modem, ma’am?”

Customer: “Just now, after I called you back!”

(As we’re speaking, I see that her connection has re-established.)

Me: “I’m showing you’re online now. Are all the lights back on your modem?”

Customer: “Oh…that’s what you meant by waiting.”

Making Phoney Claims

| Calabasas, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Top

(A female customer has just left the store after receiving her order. She then returns, extremely agitated.)

Customer: “My phone is missing!”

Me: “Did you leave it in the store?”

Customer: “Of course not! I’m not stupid. It was in my car!”

Me: “I’m sorry, no one’s turned in a phone.”

(The customer then proceeds to search all over the not-exactly-large shop, including overturning the wastebasket in the restroom and questioning other patrons. Meanwhile, I take my rather expensive touch-screen phone to check the time.)

Customer: “Hey, that’s my phone!”

Me: “No, it’s not. It’s mine.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! People who work someplace like this can’t afford phones like that! Is that why you made my order take so long? So you could steal my phone?”

Me: “Are you saying while your coffee was being made, I snuck out the back door, ran around the building, found the one car in the parking lot that belonged to you, broke in, stole your phone, and got back in time to help the next customer in line?”

Customer: “So you admit it! I’m calling the police!”

When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

| Portland, OR, USA | Crazy Requests, Top

(I’m shoe shopping, and I’ve taken off my own shoes to try on some other pairs. Another customer is browsing in the same aisle; she looks at my shoes and starts to try them on.)

Me: “Excuse me? Those are mine.”

Customer: “No, they’re not. I saw them first.”

Me: “No, I mean, I bought them a while ago. See, they don’t have price tags on them.”

(Ignoring me, she takes off my shoes, and calls over an employee.)

Customer: “Do you have these in size seven?”

Employee: “I’ve never seen these before. Do you have the box they were in?”

Me: “That’s because they’re mine. They’re not from here.”

Customer: *rolls eyes* “She keeps saying that, but I saw them first.”

Employee: “Uh, ma’am, she’s right. These are from [another shoe store].”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can I buy them here?”

Employee: *gives me back my shoes* “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “Well, if that’s how you treat your customers here, I’m leaving!”

(As she walks out, she stops to check out my bag on the floor.)

Me: “That’s mine, too.”

When Just Being A Doctor Isn’t Cool Enough

| Erie, PA, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Uncategorized

(I work in a hospital kitchen with an adjoining cafeteria. A doctor pokes his head in the door and calls attention to himself. I stop what I’m doing to help him.)

Doctor: “Excuse me, the coolers in the cafeteria are all turned off. Could you please turn them on?”

Me: “Well, there’s nothing in them right now. We’re still making the food. It would be a waste of electricity to turn on an empty cooler.”

Doctor: “But I’m a doctor.”

Me: “I…I know that.”

Doctor: “If you know, then why won’t you turn them on?”

Me: “Sir, I can’t turn them on. There’s no need.”

Doctor: *pauses* “But I’m a doctor.”

Me: “Sir–”

Doctor: “I’m a doctor!”

Me: “Okay, I can turn them on.”

(I walk into the cafeteria with him and flip the switches on the empty coolers.)

Doctor: “Thank you.”

(He walks away empty-handed, apparently satisfied.)

Me: “Okay then.”

(I turn the coolers off again and go back to the kitchen.)

Third Time Is Not Charming

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

(I work in a ground level office, and am usually the only one working within view of both the front and back doors.)

Customer: *coming in from the back hallway* “Hello, I’m here for my appointment.”

Me: “With who?”

Customer: “With [Name].”

Me: “I think you’re in the wrong office.”

Customer: “Oh, terribly sorry.” *goes back down to the backdoor, and reappears from the front door a few minutes later* “Hello, I’m here to see [Name] for my appointment?”

Me: “Ma’am, this is the same office. You have to go down the stairs in the parking lot to get to [Company Name]. They’re on the basement level.”

Customer: “Oh! That explains it, thank you!” *heads out the front door again, but wanders back down the back hallway almost immediately*

Me: “Still in the wrong place, ma’am. You need to go downstairs.”

Customer: *scowling and glaring* “You’re much less polite than the other two boys!”

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