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    The Only Thing That Didn’t Arrive Is Your Brain

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: “Hello, I see you opened a PayPal dispute for this item. It looks like your item was delivered, as shown by the delivery confirmation number. ”

    Customer: “I would like a refund. This item didn’t arrive in a timely manner.”

    Me: “All custom orders, like your ring, are shipped to be received within 14 business days from the date of purchase. It looks like your item arrived a day or so outside of that timeline. I’m sorry it was delayed in transit, but I’m happy that it wasn’t lost in the
    mail and did arrive safely! If you have any further questions, I’d be happy to help.”

    Customer: “This didn’t arrive in a timely matter. I’d like a refund.”

    Me: “If you’d like to return the ring, you can do so within 7 days from the date you received your purchase. If you wish to do so, please return the ring to the address on the package, and please include the receipt.”

    Customer: “I’d like a refund for this item, because it didn’t arrive in a timely manner. I like the ring, I just want a refund.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to accept a return on this item. Please send it, as I mentioned above, to the address on the package within the next 7 days.”

    Customer: “I like the ring, I just want a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t issue a refund unless you send back the ring.”

    Customer: “But it didn’t arrive in a timely manner.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry you’re unhappy with the length of time the USPS took to deliver your package. I’m more than happy to issue a refund for your purchase price if you send the ring back to me.”

    Customer: “I want to keep the ring, and I want a refund. It didn’t arrive in a timely manner.”

    Me: *wants to die*

    Maybe They’re Having A Pow Wow At Starbucks

    | Tahlequah, OK, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Coworker: “Yes, may I help you?”

    Customer:¬†”I just wanted to say how disappointed I am with your town!”

    Coworker: “Okay, why is that?”

    Customer: “I haven’t seen an Indian! This is suppose to be Cherokee Nation, and I haven’t seen one Indian! We came all the way down here from Illinois and wanted to see Indians!”

    Coworker: “Come again?”

    Customer: “All we’ve seen are normal people! We want to see Indians!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, they dress and look just like the rest of us.¬†If you want to see reenactments, you need to go to Tsa-La-Gi outside town.”

    Customer: “They don’t dress like that all the time?”

    Coworker: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What about teepees?”

    Coworker: “That’s plains Indians, ma’am, and no. They don’t live in teepees.”

    Customer: “Oh…” *mutters while walking away* “… came to see Indians and all we get are regular people…”

    Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde

    | Camp Hill, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, this is ***. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: *cheerful* “I need you to check my account.”

    Me: “Certainly, I’d be happy to do that for you. May I have your identification number so I can look you up in our system please?”

    Customer: “My what? Why would you want that? Don’t you know who I am?”

    Me: “Unfortunately not, ma’am. We have no real way of knowing who is on the other end of the line unless you give us either that number or your social security number.”

    Customer: *suddenly demonic* “HOW DARE YOU! YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE TERRORISTS, AREN’T YOU?!”

    Me: “Um… excuse me?”

    Customer: “YOU want my social so you can steal my identity, don’t you? That’s why you called me, to steal my credit score, you little punk!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you called me. This is your insurance company. Just read me the number on the front of your card so I can look up your account information.”

    Customer: *suddenly cheerful again* “Oh, is that all? Why didn’t you just say so? My number is ***.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it seems your account is handled by a different department than mine. Would you like me to give you their direct number before I transfer you?”

    Customer: *back to demonic* “YOU TRICKED ME! You tricked me out of my information! I’m calling the FBI on you, you little c**t!”

    Me: *transfers call*

    (I have never been so happy to transfer a caller. I logged the call, and later that day received an internal office email from some rep in another part of the state. All it said was “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????”)

    Holy F***, Indeed

    | Orem, UT, USA |

    Customer: “You f***ing b****! I’ll have your f****ing a** fired for this!”

    Me: “Sir, I do not appreciate your abusive language. If you do not knock it off, I am going to have to hang up on you.”

    Customer:¬†”I’m sorry. I’m really not usually like this.”

    (I helps with the customer’s problem, which involves some downtime while the website processes his request.)

    Customer: “So, where are you?”

    Me: “We’re based out of Utah.”

    Customer: “I’m in Van Nuys, California. Do you know where that is, lady?”

    Me: “I actually do. I lived there for six months.”

    Customer: “No s***! What were you doing here?”

    Me: “I was a Mormon missionary.”

    Customer: “And what is your name?”

    Me: *gives name*

    Customer: “Holy f***. I know you. I’m the bishop!”

    Grab Bag: Alaskan Cruise

    | Alaska |

    (I worked briefly in one of the regional offices for a cruise line. One of my jobs was to read all customer comment cards from the end of their tours and cruises and enter the comments into our database.)

    1. “Please cut down some of the trees in Denali National Park. It is difficult to see the forest because these trees are in the way.”

    2. “There are a lot of old cars scattered all over the place. Can you please remove them? They look ugly.”

    3. “I wanted to see Mt. McKinley but it was raining and too cloudy. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

    4. “I couldn’t swim in the outside pool on the cruise ship because it was raining the entire trip. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

    5. “I didn’t like the reindeer sausage you served on the train. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

    6. “I wanted to see the wildlife tour, but 5:00 am is way too early for me to wake up while I’m on vacation. Can you please schedule the wildlife to be available later in the afternoon, so that I can see them?”

    7. “I was supposed to ride the train through Denali National Park, but there was a fire. Why did you schedule the fire while I was there?”

    8. “Why are there so many Alaskan natives in Alaska? Can you ask them to leave?”

    9. “There are way too many trees and animals on the wildlife tour. Can you please put in some malls and tennis courts?”

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