• A Pain In The Nugget
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    Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 3

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Uncategorized

    (I am working at the library reference desk. A teen patron approaches.)

    Me: “Hi! What can I help you with?”

    Customer: *looking away and fiddling with his hair* “Um…do you smoke pot?”

    Me: “Uh…no.”

    Customer: “See…there’s, like, this test right? And I’m not gonna be able to pass it, so can I like…um…buy your pee?”

    Me: “No. That’s not a service we provide here.”

    Customer: *slouches off*

    Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 2
    Urine Way Over Your Head

    Olfactional Hazards

    , | Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

    (A customer comes up to me with a knitted poncho.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this 100% wool?”

    Me: “No, it’s 100% acrylic.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? It feels like wool.”

    Me: “It does, but it is acrylic. I saw the tag before it came off.”

    Customer: “But it feels so much like the scarf I’m wearing right now, and that one is 100% wool. It even smells like wool. Smell it!”

    Me: “Um, my nose isn’t good enough to distinguish between wool and acrylic. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “No, smell it! Then, smell my scarf.” *sniffs both the poncho and scarf* “See, they smell the same.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”

    Customer: “No, smell my scarf. Smell it!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “SMELL MY SCARF!”

    Jesus On The Dance Floor

    , | Calgary, AB, Canada | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hey, you guys shouldn’t have this DVD on the shelf! It’s very inappropriate!”

    (The customer hands me a copy of “Jesus Christ: Superstar”.)

    Me: “What’s so bad about it?”

    Customer: “It is inappropriate to portray the son of God like this! He is not a rockstar!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, you can submit a complaint with our corporate office, because I can’t control what gets put on our shelves.”

    Customer: “Okay, well I’m definitely adding in the fact that this DVD was horribly placed!”

    Me: “Where was it?”

    Customer: “It was on the floor! The son of God should not be on the floor!”

    The Devil Is In The Retailers

    | Ohio, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “Do you have this product here?” *points to a video game in our ad*

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Just take that aisle down here and turn right. Near the doors are the video games.”

    Customer: “Oh, alright! Thank you.”

    (Shortly after, I get a call about TVs so head towards that section. After helping another guest out, the first guest shows up.)

    Me: “Hello again, ma’am! Want me to show you where that game is you were looking for?”

    Customer: “How did you do that?”

    Me: “Do what, ma’am?”

    Customer: “How did you appear like that? Magic?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I just–”

    Customer: “It’s magic! You kids and your devil ways!”

    Me: “I promise it’s not magic, ma’am. I just took a shortcut.”

    Customer: “Through h***! Demon!” *storms out*

    Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought

    | Tasmania, Australia | Uncategorized

    (Note: I am standing under a sign that says ‘Gluten-Free Mousse’)

    Customer: “Is the gluten-free mousse gluten free?”

    Me: “You mean the ‘gluten-free mousse’?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Is it gluten free?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? How do you know?”

    Me: “Because the sign says it’s gluten-free.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay then. I’ll just have a bottle of water.”

    Me: “No mousse?”

    Customer: “No, you can never be too sure about what has gluten in it!”

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