Featured Story:
  • Making False Bald Statements
    (1,410 thumbs up)
  • February Theme Of The Month: Hazardous Customers!
    Submit your story today!

    Please See The Hypothetical Aisle

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA |

    (A customer comes in looking for an item I knew we do not carry.)

    Customer: “Where would I find a [item]?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t carry that.”

    Customer: *stares at me awhile* “Well, if you did carry it, what aisle would it be in?”

    Cost In The Translation

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Top

    (In the store we put on our own price tags, but customers have a bad habit of taking them off to get a lower price.)

    Customer: “Hi, could I get a price on this?”

    Me: “Sure.” *takes a look* “It’ll be $14.99.”

    Customer’s daughter: *in Spanish* “Wow mom, that’s more expensive than the real tag!”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    Me: *in Spanish* “Have a good day, and come back soon!” *wink*

    They’re Not Zits, But They Rhyme With Them

    | South Carolina, USA | Top

    (Customer walks up to front desk in waiting room area and places kitty carrier on desk.)

    Me: “Hi, do you need an appointment?”

    Customer: “Uh. No. I just need some acne cream for cats.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: *pulls cat out of carrier and sets on desk* “See? She has acne on her belly.”

    Me: “Those aren’t acne. Those are nipples.”

    Purell-y Out Of His Mind

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Customer: “Mmm, it smells great in here! I sure do love the coffee here at [coffee shop]!”

    Me: “Well, I’m glad! Would you like a coffee then?”

    Customer: “So tell me, how do you brew your coffee here? Is this your coffee making machine?”

    Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

    Customer: “Tell me, young woman, how does this machine work? How do you clean it?”

    Me: “Well, we put coffee in these baskets, and it brews in to these pots. We clean them with–”

    Customer: “Because, see, I have a fantastic business idea for you! It will be a great investment opportunity, a revolutionary way to brew coffee! I will share stock with you, if you help me!”

    Me: “Sir, if you have a suggestion, your best bet would be to submit it to [company website]. I don’t control what equipment we use or how we brew coffee. Can I get you a drink?”

    Customer: “Because, see, I love coffee! But my clothes are never clean! And you know that sanitizer stuff…what’s it called…Purell?”

    Me: “Uhh…I guess.”

    Customer: “Right! So, see…what you need to do is put the Purell in the coffee and then brew it. Then, when I drink the coffee, it will be sanitized, and when the coffee seeps out my pores, it will clean my clothes while I am wearing them! It is revolutionary!”

    Me: “Sir, again, I don’t control operations here, so you need to submit this idea to our corporate office. I can’t help you.”

    Customer: “It will save so much time! I have a whole system worked out. I call it ‘Pizazz.’ Would you like to be a shareholder with me? We will make so much money!”

    Me: “No, thank you.”

    Customer: “PIZAZZ! Don’t you get it? Pores. Clothes. Cleaning! Would anybody else that works here like to buy stock?”

    Me: “Sir, I doubt it.”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you so very much for your time. It will be a revolution! You are beautiful!” *wanders out the door, still rambling about his big idea*

    Messianic Rejects

    | Ohio, USA |

    (I check in families to our kids’ program. An older woman approaches me with her two grandkids. I give her the form to fill out).

    Me:  “Oh, ma’am, could I get your birthday? You left that line blank.”

    Grandmother: “No.”

    Me: “But ma’am, we need that to identify you as an adult. We can’t enter you into the computer without that information.”

    Grandmother: “Would Jesus have to give his birthday?”

    Page 1,979/2,567First...1,9771,9781,9791,9801,981...Last