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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Next Time, Less Hair, More Planning

    | Ottawa, Canada |

    (My mother is a hostess in a Chinese buffet restaurant. Said restaurant only has Chinese employees. A woman with a fully stacked plate angrily approaches her.)

    Woman: “Excuse me! There’s a hair in my food! You have to give this meal to me for free!”

    (My mother looks at the woman’s plate, and what does she find? A single long blonde hair, neatly laid on top of her plate.)

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    Murphy’s Law In Action

    | Washington, D.C., USA |

    Me: “Tall latte on the bar.”

    (The latte does not get claimed.)

    Me: “We’ve got a tall latte up here, ready for pickup.”

    (The latte still does not get claimed. We make drinks for a few other customers, giving it a few more minutes.)

    Me: “Okay, last call for a tall latte, if nobody claims it we’re pitching it.”

    (The latte once against does not get claimed.)

    Me: “Okay then…”

    (I pour the drink down the sink.)

    Me, to a coworker: “I bet that in less than 30 seconds, we’ll get someone asking about a tall latte.”

    Woman, exactly 0.0001 seconds later: “Hi, was there a tall latte?”

    Gullible’s Travels

    | Kennebunk, ME, USA |

    (I worked at a candy store in an area with a high population of tourists. We have a DVD constantly playing that shows them how the candy is made, obviously pre-recorded.)

    Tourist Lady: “Ooh, is that the actual factory?”

    Boss: “Actually, it’s a live satellite feed. They’re making that candy right now.”

    Tourist Lady: “Fancy!”

    (This is a DVD movie with edits and transitions, clearly playing on a Samsung DVD player. Oh, tourists, how I loathe thee.)

    Introducing The Sandwich Air

    , | California, USA |

    (There is an incredibly long line in the store. A man who had recently gotten his order filled cuts to the front of the line and slams his sandwich on the counter.)

    Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with you people… you don’t know how to make a sandwich! The people who worked here before knew how to make sandwiches!”

    Me: “Um… excuse me?”

    Customer: “The OTHER people always SQUISHED the sandwiches.”

    (He holds up his sandwich.)

    Customer: “LOOK AT THIS! How am I supposed to fit this in my mouth?”

    Me: “Umm… wouldn’t it be just as easy if you–”

    Customer: “NO! FIX IT!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (I flatten the sandwich slightly.)

    Me: “How’s that?”

    Customer: “SQUISH IT!”

    (I manage to smash the sandwich down to about a half an inch thick.)

    Me: “Better?”

    Customer: *takes the sandwich* “Well I guess you CAN learn.”

    Visions Of Dogs Chasing Their Own Tails

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “This electronic key does not work in my car.”

    Me: “Does it turn in the ignition?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it will not start.”

    (I put the original and copy key in my magic decoder box and they check out fine.)

    Me: “Well, let me have a look… where is your car?”

    Customer: “At home.”

    Me: “Well, you have to drive it here.”

    Customer: “But the key does not work.”

    Me: “Use your original key.”

    Customer: “That does not work either.”

    Me: “Okay, let me explain how this works. I make a copy of your key. If your key does not work, then the new key will not work either.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Let me put it like this. If you copy a paper with misspelled words the copier will not correct the spelling, because it’s a copy! What happens when you try the key?”

    Customer: “The dash says ‘Code not found’.”

    Me: “Well, then the problem is the car, not the key. It is not reading the code on the key.”

    Customer: “So make me another.”

    Me: “The problem is the car. Are you going to pay when the next one does not work?”

    Customer: “No, I’m not going to pay for a key that does not work!”

    Me: “So you want me to keep making keys for you until one works or I run out of them. But you will not pay for any of the keys that do not work even though the problem is your car, not the key.”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “Sorry, I’m just not that stupid.”

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