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    So Dumb It Hurts

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Top

    (I work at a vet’s office, and am giving a woman and her three children basic grooming information for their new puppy. The conversation has already been going on for an hour.)

    Me: “… the groomers can do different ‘cuts’ or ‘styles’ for your dog, depending on how you want him to look.”

    Customer: “Will that hurt?”

    Me: “Will what hurt?”

    Customer: “Cutting him, will it hurt when you cut him?”

    Me: “No… it’s not cutting HIM, it’s just cutting his fur.”

    Customer: “Oh…¬†but will that hurt?”

    Me: “No… it’s hair.”

    Customer: “Are you sure it won’t hurt when you cut it?”

    Me: “It’s just like when you get your own hair cut. Does it hurt when you get your hair cut?”

    Customer: *looks confused*

    Me: “Okay… well no, it won’t hurt.”

    (I then go on to other aspects of grooming… clipping toe nails, cleaning the ears, etc.)

    Me: “… you can clean the puppy’s ears if they get dirty, or just whenever you give him a bath.”

    Me: *goes over the ear cleaning process*

    Customer: “Will it hurt? ”

    Me: “No… he may not like it, and may shake his head, but it shouldn’t hurt. Just make sure you don’t stick anything, like a Q-Tip, into his ear.”

    Customer: “Okay, so how do I do that?”

    Me: *goes over the ear cleaning process again*

    Me: “… and again, just whenever you give him a bath…”

    Customer: “Okay, how do I do that? ”

    Me: “Well, there are several different shampoos you can use…”

    Customer: “But how do I do that?”

    Me: “You mean… how do you actually give him a bath?”

    Customer: “Yes, how do I do that?”

    Me: “Just like you’d bathe your kids… the puppy’s small, so you can bathe him in the sink, or in the bath tub…”

    Customer: “But how do I bathe him?”

    (At this point, I look at the woman’s three children, and wonder how they’ve survived their mother.)

    Me: “Umm… you put water on him… err… you know, we have full-service grooming here, it includes a bath, we’ll do everything for you… cut his toe nails, clean his ears, trim his hair…”

    Customer: “But we don’t want to hurt him. Will a bath hurt?”

    Me: “It’s WATER!”

    That Was Random

    | Alpharetta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon! What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a [frozen coffee drink], please.”

    Me: “Alrighty, that’s gonna run you $3.42.”

    Customer: “Alright.” *begins to dig around in her purse*

    Me: “I’m going to go ahead and get this started for you.”

    (As I start to make the drink, I turn to look at the woman and notice that she is slowly making her way behind the counter.)

    Me: “Uh, ma’am…”

    (The woman proceeds to walk behind the counter, walk to a sink, wash her hands, wipe her hands, throw the paper towel away, and then walk right back around the counter and straight out the door. As my coworkers and I attempt to figure out what just happened, we watch her walk by the drive-thru window, around the building, around the building NEXT to our store, and then back into the store. The woman then approaches the counter.)

    Customer: “So, what do I owe you?”

    Me: “Uh, $3.42, please.”

    Customer: “Sure.”

    (An incredibly awkward silence follows.)

    Customer: “So, what just happened?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “What just happened?”

    Me: “I’m really not sure, ma’am!”

    Your Prank Got Spanked

    | Denver, CO, USA | Top

    (This happened to a friend of mine who owns a gun shop.)

    Friend: “Hello, this is–”

    Caller: *twelve year old sounding voice* “Your mom!”

    Friend: “What?”

    Caller: “What your mom said.”

    Friend: “A prank caller are we?”

    Caller: *mocking tone* “A prank caller are we?”

    Friend: “Do your parents know what you’re doing? Because I have caller ID and I can call them back later.”

    Caller: “My parents are out of town… duuuhhh!”

    Friend: “You must have absolutely no idea what kind of store you just called, then.”

    Caller: “A GAY store?”

    (My friend puts the phone down and opens the locker behind the counter and retrieves a shotgun. He holds it next to the phone and pumps the action.)

    Friend: “Can you guess now?”

    Caller: “…”

    Friend: “You know, your caller ID gave me a first and last name. All I need to do is open a phone book and I can find your address.”

    Caller: *click*

    Arithmophobia

    | Ohio, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant where customers can call and place an order to pick up).

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, how many wings can you get in an order?”

    Me: “We have orders of 6, 12, 18, 24, 50, and 100. Would you like to order some?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want 20.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have 20. The closest we have to 20 is 18.”

    Customer: “How many wings come in your 18-piece?”

    Me: “… 18.”

    Customer: “Okay, are you sure?”

    Me: “I can say for a fact that the 18-piece wing order comes with 18 wings.”

    (This went on for a few minutes. Back and forths of, “Are you sure?” and, “Yes, sir, I am sure you get 18 wings in an 18 wing order.”)

    Me: “Now what can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I think I’m going to eat elsewhere.” *click*

    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

    | Peoria, IL, USA |

    (A male customer comes up to the counter with a box of tampons.)

    Me: “You should meet my husband. We’ve been married seven years and he’s never bought these.”

    Customer: “You should meet my girlfriend.”

    Me: “Persuasive?”

    Customer: “Scary.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

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