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    At Least She’s Being Honest

    , | Hanover, MD, USA |

    (A lady comes in with a bag of shirts.)

    Lady: “I need to return these.”

    Me: “Sorry we can’t take those back, they’re opened…”

    Lady: “Why the hell not!?”

    Me: “You can only return the shirts if they’re unopened. It’s the store policy.”

    Lady: “Bulls**t, you’re trying to rip me off! You’re suppose to take these back–they don’t fit my husband!”

    Me: “If you read the policy you would know you couldn’t bring them back, ma’am.”

    Lady: “What store policy?!”

    (I point to the store policy above and behind me on a red sign in big white letters. The lady snatches the bag of shirts and starts stomping off. My manager, who was watching the whole time, finally says something.)

    Manager: “I’m sorry ma’am, next time you should read the policy–”

    Lady: *cuts off my manager* “I DON’T F**KING READ!!”

    The Da Vinci Code 3: Running Out Of Conspiracies

    | California, USA |

    (The store’s power went out one day so we were using a pocket calculator to figure out totals and writing up paper receipts.)

    Customer: “I’m not ready to pay yet, but can you tell me what I will owe?”

    (I punch some numbers into the calculator, which returns 26.595.)

    Me: “Your total will be $26.59.”

    (When the customer comes back to pay, the power has just come back on and our computer system is up and running so I enter her purchase information.)

    Me: “Okay, the total comes to $26.60.”

    Customer: “You told me $26.59 before.”

    Me: “Oh yeah, it’s because it was something like 26.595 and I just truncated the number instead of rounding it, but the computer rounds automatically.”

    Customer: “I find it very interesting that it would round in favor of itself.”

    Me: “Um, that’s just how rounding works. If it had been 26.594 it would have rounded down.”

    Customer: “I just find it *very* interesting that the customer loses out on this.”

    Me: “…”

    Bribery (Adjusted For Inflation)

    | Fort Wright, KY, USA |

    (A guy and his wife came into my store to ask about Wii’s. The conversation went as follows…)

    Man: “Where do you keep your Wii’s at?”

    Me: “We don’t have any in stock right now.”

    Man: “When you gettin’ some?”

    Me: “No idea man. They just ship it to us…we are getting them about once a week but no set date or anything like that.”

    Man: “Uh-huh…so you know the date but you aren’t allowed to tell us.”

    Me: “No…I don’t know the date.”

    Man’s wife: “They play it off like it’s a big secret!”

    (They leave and the man comes back about 25 minutes later, this time without his wife. He has this giant smile on his face and approaches me next to the counter.)

    Man: “Hey buddy, if you let me know when one of those Wii’s come in I’ll give you twenty dollars.”

    Me, in a very childlike excited tone: “Twenty dollars?!?! Really mister? That will totally cover all my bills and rent and anything else I need but can’t afford because I’ve lost my job!!”

    Man: “Everybody is a godd**n smarta**…”

    That’s A Latte Coupons

    | British Columbia, Canada |

    (A woman had been coming in every day and paying for venti drinks with all the trimmings using service recovery coupons. This went on for about a year and a half, and finally we were told to stop taking them from her. They were old, we had never given any to her, and she could not have acquired so many of them legitimately.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we can’t take any of these coupons, they’re outdated.”

    Coupon Lady: “…but I use these all the time. They always take them!”

    Me: “They’re outdated. There are new ones now, and we’re not allowed to take the old ones anymore.”

    Coupon Lady: *pays for her drinks, leaves*

    (The next day Coupon Lady returns with her husband and tries the same thing.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I told you yesterday, we will not accept any more coupons from you.”

    Husband: “I want to speak to your manager.”

    (I go and get a manager; the husband commences shouting at manager.)

    Manager: “You’ve been using these coupons almost daily since this location opened. We are not going to accept them anymore.”

    Husband: “We know the man in charge! WE GOT THESE FROM THE HEAD GUY!”

    Manager: “Sir, if you’d actually gotten these coupons from the man in charge, you would know that the man in charge here is a WOMAN.”

    Ah, Students

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    (A group of students come into the bar dressed as cavemen, complete with wigs and squeaky plastic clubs.)

    Caveman 1, banging squeaky club on bar: “Ugg!”

    Me: *stares at him in disbelief*

    Caveman 1: “Ugg! Ugg!” *bang* *squeak*

    Me: *still maintaining silence*

    Caveman 2: “Are we getting service here or not?!” *bang* *squeak*

    (A crescendo of grunting student cavemen start to bang each other on the heads with the squeaky clubs and proceed to upset the other punters.)

    Me: “Right, that’s enough! You’re not getting f-ugg-ing served and you’re all f-ugg-ing barred!”

    (The cavemen left only to be replaced by a group of student girls dressed as nuns. They all got a free drink.)

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