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    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 5

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It’s about closing time, and I’m doing the final stock of the tobacco stuffs, while a police officer (there because of problems with stealing of in-store merchandise) writes out his nightly report. In walks a very short person, obviously under 19, whiter than Casper, and dressed like a pimp.)

    Short Pimp: “Packa Players!”

    Me: “ID?”

    SP: “What?”

    Me: “I need to see your ID, or you can’t have ‘em.”

    SP: “You don’t need my ID! I’m 21!” *starts cussing*

    Me: “Yes, but we have to ask if you look under 40, so hand it over.”

    SP: “Well, you’re giving me the smokes anyways–and for free now because of the way you’re treating me.”

    Me: “Uh-huh, and I’m Bill Gates.”

    SP: “Fine! Here’s my ****ing ID!.” *hands over an obviously fake ID*

    Me: “Okay, do you have a real ID?”

    SP: “That is real, a**hole!”

    Me: “Dude, no it isn’t. If you’re gonna use a fake ID, get someone who can at least spell Ontario.”

    SP: “FINE! I’ll just shoot you, and take what I want!

    (Short Pimp sticks his hand in his pocket, and pretends that there’s a gun in there.)

    Me: “Right, because a cop totally isn’t standing right behind you with his very real gun at the back of your head.”

    (At this point Officer Cool Guy had gotten up, and pulled his “very real gun” [read: just his night stick, but held like a gun] on Short Pimp, but SP didn’t know that.)

    SP: “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Next time try [competing gas station], and don’t come back.”

    (Once SP leaves Officer Cool Guy and I try very hard not to bust out laughing.)

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 4
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

    Fighting Crazy With Crazy

    | Texas, USA | Top

    (Keep in mind that I’m male with a deep voice. We do not send techs to troubleshoot; troubleshooting has to be done on the phone, then we send a tech to replace parts.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I–”

    Customer: “Send me a tech to fix my computer.”

    Me: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s not working!”

    Me: “Well, ok, but in order to get it working again, I would need to know what exactly is wrong.”

    Customer: “I just told you it’s not working. Send me a tech to fix it!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I can help you perform some troubleshooting and–”

    Customer: “Why the f**k can’t you just send me a tech?”

    Me: “Well, like I said, I can’t do that. All I can do is troubleshoot with you on the phone to find out what’s wrong and then–”


    Me, fake crying: “Why? Why do you hate me so much? Don’t you know how hard it is for a single mom with 5 kids to make a living?” *sob*

    Customer: “???” *hangs up*

    (I got written up for that. It was totally worth it though!)

    Back In My Day, Pills Fell Like Mana From The Heavens

    | Hopewell Junction, NY, USA |

    (I was cashiering the closing shift on a Sunday night. The pharmacy closes earlier than the rest of the store on weekends. A customer comes in at 9:30pm.)

    Customer: “Oh sh*t! The pharmacy is closed?!”

    Me: “Yes, they close at 6pm on weekends. They will open again at 8am tomorrow morning.”

    Customer: “But I need a prescription filled.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the pharmacist will not be here until 8am tomorrow morning.”

    Customer: “Can’t you do it?”

    Me: “No…”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “I’m not a pharmacist.”

    Customer: “Don’t be a smart a**!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Only a pharmacist can fill your prescription.”

    Customer: “What is this world coming to?!” *storms out*

    So Superman, Rocky Balboa And ABBA Walk Into A Bar…

    | Prague, Czech Republic |

    (I work at a karaoke bar operating the machine and helping drunk guests choose songs. A lady was supposed to sing an ABBA song next, but some guy got a hold of the microphone.)

    Me: “Sir, excuse me, that lady is singing now, could you give me the mic?”

    Customer: *looking drunk and confused* “Nooo…I’m singing now!”

    Me: “Really? Dancing Queen?”

    Customer: “Whaaaat? I ordered Eye Of The Tiger!”

    Me: “But how? You didn’t tell me anything…and Eye Of The Tiger is not in our list…”

    Customer: “I told that guy…”

    (The customer points to the corner of the bar, where some man in a superman costume was sleeping.)

    Me: “Umm…he doesn’t work here you know…”

    Customer: “Whaaaaat?! Can I still do the song then?”

    Me: “I’ve just told you we don’t have it…”

    Customer: *pointing to Superman again* “He told me you do!”

    Me: “Yeah, we don’t…do you want to try some other song?”

    Customer: “I WANT THE EYE OF THE TIGER!!!”

    Me: *scared and desperate* “…How about a free shot instead of a song?”

    Customer: *suddenly happy* “Alrighty!”

    I Said, Zzzzip It

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Customer: “I’m trying to add an FTP user, and I can’t figure out what to do.”

    Me: “Alright, sir. I see that this is on a server for which you declined a support contract. All I can do is to direct you to the help center article that will instruct you how to do this; I can’t add it for you, or walk you through it.”

    Customer: “Look, all I’m trying to do is add an FTP user.”

    Me: “Sir, when you purchased this server we offered a support contract, which you declined–”

    Customer: “I just want to add an FTP user! You should be able to do that for me!”

    Me: “–and when you declined the support contract, you had to click on a button to accept full responsibility for managing your server.”

    Customer: “This isn’t a server management issue. I’m just trying to add an FTP user.”

    Me: “Sir, true or false? You purchased this server from us.”

    Customer: “True.”

    Me: “You declined the support contract, true or false?”

    Customer: “True.”

    Me: “And you accepted full responsibility for managing the server, true or false?”

    Customer: “True.”

    Me: “…so, why are you asking me?”

    Customer: “…” *click*

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