I Hear Sea Shells On The Sea Shore

| USA | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

(I work at a small shop that sells sea shells and other beach items. A customer comes in and holds a piece of merchandise to her ear.)

Customer: “I think I can hear the ocean. I thought they were lying!”

Me: “Um, ma’am…”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You’re holding a cup with a seashell painted on it to your ear.”

Watashi Whaaa

| United Kingdom | Language & Words, Musical Mayhem, Top

(I really like Japanese animation and am learning Japanese as a second language so I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.)

Customer: “Excuse me, what kind of music would you recommend? I want to know what CD I should buy.”

Me: “Oh, I don’t think I listen to the kind of music you’d be interested in.”

Customer: “That’s not very helpful. Just tell me what kind of music you like.”

Me: “Well, I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.”

Customer: “I love that song!”

Me: “It’s not just one song. There are a lot of songs in Japanese.”

Customer: “Really? How many.”

Me: “Oh, far too many to count. There are thousands!”

Customer: “Well that’s a bit silly, isn’t it, what’s the point in making songs in a language that no one can understand?”

Me: “A lot of people understand Japanese.”

Customer: “Like who?”

Me: “The people who live in Japan?”

Customer: “You mean Japan’s a real place?! Well, you learn something new every day!”

In A Tsary State

| Queens, NY, USA | Language & Words, Top

(Two women come into my grandpa’s locksmith shop and are saying really obnoxious things in Russian.)

Woman 1: “Careful, I think he may speak Russian.”

Woman 2: “That oaf? No way.”

Woman 1: “Maybe he does.”

Woman 2: “He doesn’t.”

Grandpa: *in Russian* “He does.”

His Witnesses Will Need A Protection Program

| Indiana, USA | Books & Reading, Religion, Uncategorized

(For legal reasons, our store cannot offer any discounts on books by a certain publisher.)

Customer: “I’d like to use this coupon on my order, please.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Your order is nothing but books by [publishers], and we can’t accept the coupon on them.”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “See, it says right here in the fine print, ‘Not valid on any [publisher’s] products’.”

Customer: “Well I know that! But you need to give me the discount anyway!”

Me: “It’s against store policy. I can’t give you a discount on these books.”

Customer: “Look, I’m using these books to witness to people who don’t know the Lord. You should give me a discount because I’m giving them to people who need them!”

Me: “There is nothing I can do about that. I don’t set the prices or the policies.”

Customer: “If [bookstore] really does claim to be a Christian business, then they should give discounts to people who buy stuff to witness to other people! You’re making me waste the Lord’s money!”

His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated

| Peterborough, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Uncategorized

(I am ringing up a customer at my register; she had just told me she forgot her rewards card at home.)

Me: “Do you have a reward card? Oh, shoot. Sorry! It’s just a habit to ask for it.”

Customer: “Haha, don’t worry about it, I understand.”

(There is an elderly man in line behind her.)

Elderly Man: “They’ve programmed you!”

Me: “Haha, yeah I guess they have.”

Elderly Man: *shouting alarmingly* “They’ve programmed you! You’re some sort of robot aren’t you?”

Me: *jokingly* “Yep, I’m a robot!”

Elderly Man: *totally serious* “I knew it! You filthy robot! You’re going to kill me, aren’t you? This is some kind of government conspiracy! They sent you here to kill me! Well I won’t let you!”

(He runs out of the store.)

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