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    I’m Sensing Something Cylindrical And… Swedish

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA |

    (I work at an adult novelty shop.  A man and a woman come into the store together, obviously a pair.  The man comes to the front counter, pays for a sex toy (think of the first Austin Powers movie) and leaves. A bit later, the woman comes up to the front desk.)

    Woman: “Have you seen my husband?”

    Me: ¬†”Ooooh. Um. I think he just left.”

    Woman: “Oh, really?” *gets on her cellphone* “Hey, honey! Forget something!?”

    (A few moments later, the front door flies open and the man sulks in, meets back up with his wife, and they both leave together.)

    Coworker: “I’m glad he came back for her. I don’t think she’d fit in the lost-and-found.”

    We Just Report The News

    | Jackson, TN, USA |

    (Our newspaper always gets strange calls. After one story I wrote about first aid training at the Red Cross, I get the following call from a reader…)

    Me: “Hello, [newspaper]. How may I help you?”

    Reader: “Yeah, I’m here at the Red Cross.”

    Me: “… okay?”

    Reader: “They just told me the first aid class you wrote about is full.”

    Me: “Oh, okay.”

    Reader: *silence*

    Me: “Sir? What’s the problem?”

    Reader: “Well, I have a friend who really needs to get into this class, but they said it’s full!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry, sir.”

    Reader: “Well?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Reader: “Well, what are you going to do about it? Can’t you tell them to add a seat to the class?”

    Me: “Umm, no, sir. I’m just a reporter. I can’t tell the Red Cross what to do. I’m sorry your friend can’t get in the class in time.”

    Reader: “Well, what is he supposed to do? He needs the training now!”

    Me: “Well, I believe the hospital teaches a first aid class.”

    Reader: “They do? Can you call them for me?”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m afraid I have a tight deadline today. I can’t take the time to look into that. Maybe you could call your friend and tell him?”

    Reader: *sarcastically* “Yeah, whatever. Thanks for your help.”

    Bad Customer Tip #103: Pull A Clark Kent

    , | Buenos Aires, Argentina | Top

    (A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)

    Customer: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”

    Me: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”

    (I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)

    Me: “Um… sir?”

    Customer: “WHAT?!”

    Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”

    Customer: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”

    Me: “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to the manager!”

    Me: “Of course.”

    (I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)

    Me: “Yes, what is the problem?”

    Customer: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–”

    (He suddenly figures it out.)

    Customer: “F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*

    Back In My Day, We Walked Barefoot, Backwards And Buck Naked

    | Everett, WA, USA |

    (Keep in mind that our bookstore only sells books, CDs and DVDs: no electronics, no rentals or software.)

    Coworker: “Good morning, what can I help you find?”

    Old Customer: “I need a keyboard for that computer thing.”

    Coworker: “We don’t sell keyboards, I’m sorry. Have you tried Best Buy across the parking lot?”

    Old Customer: “But I don’t want to go over there, I want to buy it here!”

    Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t have any to sell you. We don’t carry computer parts.”

    (The customer proceeds to get worked up into a fine fury, face blotched red and pulled up to her full height.)

    Old Customer: “Well, I never! In my day, you could walk into any store, anywhere, and by God if they wanted your business they would FIND it for you!” *storms out*

    Eavesdropping manager: “Well, in her day, everything was a general store!”

    The Inadvertent Thief

    | Northern Ireland, UK | Top

    Lady: “Do you sell aloe vera gel?”

    Me: “No, I’m afraid we don’t, but you might be able to get it at [store] down the street.”

    Lady: “Oh, great, thanks.”

    (She leaves and ten minutes later returns wielding a tube, looking irritated.)

    Me: “Hello again, did you manage to find it okay?”

    Lady: “No! You told me they had aloe vera gel! All they had is the cream! I don’t want the cream!”

    Me: “Um… you didn’t want the cream but you bought it anyway?”

    Lady: “No, of course I didn’t BUY–”

    (She suddenly stops and looks at the tube in her hand. Her expression turns to horror and she legs it back out the door. My coworkers and I laughed for a good ten minutes at that one.)

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