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    The Coddling Stops Here

    , | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I’m at customer’s house to try and repair a desk…)

    Me: “Well, it can’t be repaired, so I’ll have to order a new desktop. It could be a couple of weeks.”

    Customer: “So you’re taking this one with you right?”

    Me: “No, I can’t fit it in my vehicle.”

    Customer: ¬†”So you’ll be back for it then?”

    Me: “No, we don’t do delivery; henceforth, we don’t do pickups, either.”

    Customer: “But I bought it from your store!”

    Me: “… and you took it home from my store.”

    Customer: “Yeah, and it barely fit in my SUV!”

    Me: “But it did fit, and you took it home with you.”

    Customer: “Well, you’re going to need to pick it up. I’m not bringing it all the way back.”

    Me: “Stay with me here: you bought it, picked it up, took it to your home and discovered it had a problem. Now you want to disavow all responsibility? That isn’t how it works. If you got a blender home and it didn’t work, would you call the store and tell them to come pick it up?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “You’re remodeling your home, not paying me to do it. Don’t forget what that Y stands for in DIY.”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “… can you help me put it in my car?”

    Natural Selection In Action, Part 2

    | St. Paul, MN, USA |

    Zoo visitor: “Aren’t lions vegetarians?”

    Me: “No, lions are carnivores.”

    Zoo visitor: “I’m sure I read somewhere that they are vegetarians. How are they carnivores?”

    Me: “Sir, lions are well known carnivores. They hunt for their food. Their diet consists of mostly meat. They would not survive on fruits and vegetables alone.”

    Zoo visitor: “Are you sure about that?”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Well, if you really want to you, can jump into the lion exhibit to see if they’ll eat you.”

    Zoo visitor: “Vegetarians wouldn’t eat a human, would they?”

    Me: “My point exactly.”

    Related:
    Natural Selection In Action

    Garraporta, Bumblebore And Lord Boweldesnort

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I’m walking around stocking videos when a man comes up to with an extremely strange accent.)

    Customer: “I’m looking for the Garraporta.”

    Me: “I’m not sure what movie that is. What’s it about?”

    Customer: “It’s the Garraporta. There are many movies!”

    Me: “Uh, did you ask at front desk?”

    Customer:Garraporta, Garraporta! There are many movies!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ve never heard of that movie.”

    (I try every way to tell him I don’t know that movie, but he follows me all around the store saying “Garraporta!” Suddenly, he¬†stops and picks up a movie.)

    Customer: “Here, Garraporta!”

    Me: “Oh, Harry Potter!

    Customer: “Yes, Garraporta! There are many movies!”

    Related:
    Hogwarts, The Continuing Education Years

    Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None

    , | Minnesota, USA |

    (A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)

    Me: “I apologize sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”

    Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”

    Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”

    Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”

    Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I’d can review the terms and conditions with you…”

    Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”

    (At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multitalented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.)

    Taking “No Pain, No Gain” Too Far

    | Columbia, MD, USA |

    (The power generator for the gym had a moderate fire, effectively shutting off all of the power inside. Because the PA system is dead, the employees sweep the gym and escort all of the members outside.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we need to evacuate. There’s been a minor emergency.”

    Gym member: “What? Why?”

    Me: “There’s been an emergency. Everyone has to leave.”

    Gym member: “I need to finish this set! I’ll be out in a minute! ”

    Me: “Yeah, I’ll just tell the fire to wait for you, then. ”

    (Meanwhile, firetrucks are approaching the building, and the sirens can be clearly heard.)

    Gym member: “This is ridiculous! I’m gonna talk to management! Where are they?!”

    Me: “Outside, because there’s a fire.”

    Gym member: “… let me get my water.”

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