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    Someone’s Not Getting Any Tonight, Part 2

    | Heber Springs, AR |

    Lady: ¬†”Hey, we’ve heard that there might be some kind of oil something on this boat…”

    Me: ¬†”Sure, let me check.” *checks*¬†”Come and look–your oil reservoir is almost completely empty. You should fill it immediately, and it will cost about $*.**.”

    Lady: ¬†”Oh, that’s a lot. How far will that get us?”

    Me: ¬†”All the way to the middle of the lake.”

    Lady’s husband: *laughs hysterically*

    Related:
    Someone’s Not Getting Any Tonight

    Canada, America’s Baseball Cap

    | Victoria, British Columbia, Canada |

    (A young couple with an almost stereotypical southern accent enters the shop, browses around, and pick up some things, then go to the cash desk.)

    Me: “Is that everything for you today?”

    Woman: “We’re on our honeymoon…”

    Me: “Okay… will you be paying with cash, debit, or credit?”

    (The man throws some money on the counter, saying nothing.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t take American money.”

    Man:“WHY ¬†THE &@^# NOT? AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!”

    Me: “Well, that might be the case, but this isn’t America.”

    Woman: “What?”

    Me: “This isn’t America. It’s Canada.”

    Woman: “But that’s part of America, right?”

    Me: “No.”

    Man: “Oh, I get it. It must be Canada day. That’s when they pretend to be independent.”

    Me: “Sir, we ARE independent. It’s a separate country. Different money, different government, different accents.”

    Man: *winks to his wife* “Right…”

    Welcome To ArkMart, My Name Is Noah

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    (I work in the gift shop. Our zoo has an alligator exhibit consisting of 15 three- to four-foot long juvenile alligators.)

    Customer: “I was wondering if you guys sell alligators here.”

    Me: “Yeah, we have stuffed ones over here, and we have some PVC ones over here.”

    Customer: “No, like, I wanted to buy one of the alligators.”

    Me: “Like… out of the exhibit?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Oh… well, no.”

    Let’s Try Something Simpler, Like Boiling Water

    , | Redding, CA, USA |

    (A woman comes into the store just before closing, and asks where our muffin pans are.)

    Me: “Right this way…”

    Customer: “So how do you make muffins?”

    Me: “Well… I guess you’d just have to buy a box of muffin mix and read the directions.”

    Customer: “Well, what do you usually put IN muffins?”

    Me: There’s the mix, then the eggs, then the milk, or possibly water….”

    Customer: “What do I do with all of that?”

    Me: “Normally, you would mix the ingredients and put them in the muffin pan.”

    Customer: “So I just pour them in the pan?”

    Me: “You can… but most people put the batter in paper muffin cups.”

    Customer: “So do I put the paper cups in before or after the batter?”

    Me: “…”

    Not. Funny.

    | Viera, FL, USA |

    (I am folding clothes when I am approached by an angry looking customer. I turn to her, and she lowers her voice to almost a growl and narrows her voice.)

    Customer: “I hate this store. I hate you because you work in it. I’m going to take it out on your family and kill them all.”

    Me: *alarmed*

    Customer: *glares

    Me: “Is there anything…”

    Customer: “HA! HA HA HA! FOOLED YOU! You should have SEEN your face! Got you!” *strolls off*

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