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    The (Mystery) State Of The Union

    | Williamsport, PA, USA |

    (I was an 800-directory operator. We weren’t information, we just gave you 1-800 numbers.)

    Caller: “Excuse me, but what state is Kentucky in?”

    Me: “Well, Kentucky IS a state.”

    Caller: “Yeah, but what state is it in?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s not IN a state. There are 50 states, and Kentucky is one of them.”

    Caller: “Well, there’s 52 states if you count Alaska and Hawaii.”

    Me, sarcastically: “There’s only 52 states if you count Alaska and Hawaii TWICE. But there’s only 51 if you don’t count Kentucky.”

    Caller: *click*

    The 8th Sign Of The Apocalypse

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Grumpy Old Man: “There’s too much salt in the shakers.”

    Me: “…”

    G.O.M.: *picks up shaker to demonstrate*

    Me: “I’m…sorry?”

    G.O.M.: “THERE’S NO SHAKE ROOM!”

    Me: “I’ll get right on that.”

    PEBCAK, Episode II

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    (We get a LOT of calls like this.)

    Him: “I locked myself out of my computer, and I can’t get in and I need to get in! My password doesn’t work!”

    Me: “Okay, we can do a password reset for you.”

    Him: “This is really important, I need to be able to log in!”

    Me: “Okay, sir, no problem. Can you just verify your login ID for me?”

    Him: *verifies*

    Me: “Okay, great. Now can you verify that your Caps Lock is not on?”

    Him: “What? That’s stupid, why would I…oh.” *silence*

    Me: “Sir?”

    Him: “…it just worked all of a sudden, thanks.”

    Me: “…”

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    Fecal Tender

    | Connecticut, USA |

    (A customer came in, grabbed a 40 ounce bottle of beer, approached my manager and talked to him for a minute. The customer walked out and my manager came to the counter with the beer and some money. He purchased the beer, walked outside and then returned. When no one was in the store, we all turned to the manager and asked what happened.)

    Manager: “Well, the customer has the money to buy the beer…but he had an issue.”

    Us: “What happened?”

    Manager: “He said he was coughing real hard in the cooler…and he sh*t in his pants…”

    (That liquor store has never heard such laughter in the entirety of its existence.)

    Denial By Way Of Refund

    | West Palm Beach, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”

    Lady: “Yes, I’d like return this pregnancy test.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”

    Lady: “It came out positive.”

    Me: *confused* “Okay?”

    Lady: “I can’t be pregnant, so this test MUST be defective. I want to return it.”

    (For anyone who doesn’t know, it is very rare for a pregnancy test to mistake a positive pregnancy. A negative, yes, positive, no.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you can’t return a pregnancy test you’ve already used.

    Lady: What do you mean I can’t return it?!? It’s wrong! I want to see your manager!”

    (So I go to the back to see my manager who is a woman, and explain about the lady. We return to the front.)

    Manager: “Hello, what may I help you with?”

    Lady: “YES! I want to return this pregnancy test! It came out positive and I just can’t be pregnant! It’s wrong and I want my money back!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We can’t refund you on the test because it came out positive.”

    Lady: “NO! I insist I get my money back!”

    Manager, getting frustrated: “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”


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