Don’t Take Customers At Face Value

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Customer: “You look like a serial killer!”

Me: “Um… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Yeah, you look exactly like you’ve killed a someone, then locked them in your basement. But maybe that’s just the kind of person you look like. I don’t know, I’m not here to judge.”

The Router To Success, Part 2

| Chicago, Il, USA | Technology, Uncategorized

Me: “Good morning, can I help you?”

Customer: “I cant seem to connect to the server.”

Me: “No problem, I have to ask if you’re able to see if all the cables are connected properly and the computer is functioning properly.”

Customer: “Are you trying to imply that I am stupid? That I can’t tell if something isn’t plugged in? I don’t want to talk to you! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Sir I am in fact the manager, and I meant no disrespect. This is step one in our problem solving protocol.”

Customer: “So will you come here and fix my problem?”

Me: “I have noticed that you have not signed or returned your service agreement and I will be forced to charge you $100 for an onsite repair.”

Customer: “That’s fine, it must be broken. Get here as soon as you can.”

(Two hours of driving in traffic later…)

Me: “Sir, I have found your problem.”

Customer: “Oh, and what do you have to repair?”

Me: “Nothing, your router was unplugged.”

Related:
The Router To Success

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 5

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Money, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I deposited a cheque in your ATM and wanted cash back, but it won’t let me. I need that money!”

Me: “Alright, let me just pull up your file.”

(I find her in the system and see the deposit’s held as she’s overdue on her credit card payments by several months, which caused her accounts to freeze.)

Me: “Your deposit was definitely completed and is in your account, but unfortunately I cannot give you any cash as your accounts are frozen.”

Customer:”What! No! They can’t do that! That’s my money!”

Me: “Well yes, they can, because you haven’t made a single credit card payment in months.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So, you need to pay it back.”

Customer: “I have to pay? Why?”

Me: *blinks* “You didn’t know you had to pay it back?”

Customer: “No one told me!”

Me: “Miss, it’s a credit product, meaning you’re borrowing money from us. We don’t give money away. After you borrow the money, you’re expected to pay it back. All of it’s explained in your Card Agreement.”

Customer: *stares blankly at me*

Me: “The agreement you would’ve received in the mail along with your card.”

Customer: “That sheet full of ‘garbledygook’ that no one ever reads?”

Me: “Just because you didn’t read it doesn’t mean you’re exempt. By using the card, that means you agree to the terms associated with the card.”

Customer: “But I need my money! They can’t do that, it’s my money! I got no job, I have no money!”

Me: “Don’t worry, I’ll call them and speak with someone for you. We’ll figure out a solution together based on your current situation, okay?”

(I call them and discuss with the rep, then they ask to speak to the customer. I hand the phone over, and within seconds she starts yelling.)

Customer: "GIVE ME MY MONEY! You can’t do this! No one told me I have to pay!"

(She slams down the phone, storms off while shouting "They won’t give me my money!" to random people on the way out.)

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
This Is Why We’re In A Recession

Did A Number On This One

| Louisville, KY, USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Top

(I am calling a customer.)

Me: “May I speak to [customer’s name] please?”

Woman: “He’s not here.”

Me: “This is [name], with [phone company]. I am calling to remind you that your phone bill was due on the 5th and is in danger of being disconnected. Can you tell me when you will be able to pay it?”

Woman: “How did you get this number? It’s unlisted!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is the phone company. We gave you this phone number.”

An Open And Shut Case

| Spokane, Washington, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

(It is a hot day after closing time. I am, sweeping up with the drive-thru windows open, and a customer drives up.)

Customer: “Excuse me, are you still open?”

Me: “No, sorry, we closed at six. I’m just finishing up to go home.”

Customer: “So you can’t make me a coffee?”

Me: “Sorry, no, I already turned off everything and cleaned all the machines.”

Customer: “But your windows are open.”

Me: “Yeah, It’s pretty hot in here, so I left them–”

Customer: “If your windows are open, it means you are open! You shouldn’t leave the windows open! It confuses people, and I think you should make me a coffee!”

Me: “Well, I can see how you might be confused, and I’m sorry. I turned off all the ‘open’ signs, and our hours are posted. We close at six, so we’re closed.”

Customer: “You’re windows are open! Make me a f***ing coffee now!”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t. Everything is turned off! Do you want an Italian soda, or maybe a muffin?”

Customer: “You can sell me a muffin when you’re closed?”

Me: “Well, yeah. I don’t need the machines to give you a muffin. What kind do you want?”

Customer: “I don’t want your f***ing muffin! You are deliberately withholding coffee from me! I am an American! You are violating my rights!” *customer proceeds to scream racial and sexist slurs at me*

Me: “Oh, gosh, you know what?”

Customer: “What?”

(I slam the window shut, and yell through the glass.)

Me: “Sorry! My window’s shut! We must be closed!”

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