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    We All Snap At Some Point

    | Winona, MN, USA |

    (I work at a store that is open 24/7, and only closed for 36 hours out of the entire year.  Around EVERY holiday, there is someone who calls the store wondering if the store is open. This past 4th of July, I decided to have a little fun with it.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store].¬†How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi,¬†I was wondering if you guys were open today?”

    Me: “No, I’m the only one here to answer the phone.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, I’m out in the parking lot and there are a lot of cars parked out here.”

    Me: “Yeah, I like to drive a lot.”

    The Lion, The Witch And The Supply Cabinet

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall which also holds an 8 foot tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies. )

    Coworker: “Thanks for calling *** Coffee, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, is this *** Coffee?”

    Coworker: “Yes it is, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “This is the *** Coffee in *** Square?”

    Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “The one with the bathroom?”

    Coworker: “Uhhh… yes?”

    Customer: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I cant get out.”

    Coworker: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.”

    Customer: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!”

    Coworker: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.”

    Coworker, to me: “Ummm… so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    (I head over to the bathroom, letting myself in with the spare keys. There is in fact a woman in the large stall, yelling for help.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, your stupid door locked me into the stall and now I’m stuck in here! ”

    (I can hear her fumbling with something, but it isn’t the stall door latch.)

    Me: “Okay. Well, if you’ll just come over to the stall door, turning the knob should open it.”

    Customer: “There is nothing to turn! The door only has a handle!”

    Me: “It does. I’m standing on the other side of it.”

    Customer: “Well, then why don’t YOU open it! You’ve already kept me locked in here for a half hour!”

    (I fiddle with the lock and manage to open it from the outside after a moment, only to see the woman prying at the supply cabinet door.)

    Customer: “Oh, I came in this door. I thought that one…” *points to supply cabinet* “… led to the men’s room.”

    (Without another word, she walks out of the bathroom and out of the store.)

    Coworker: “Maybe she was trying to get to Narnia?”

    Whipped

    | Syracuse, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Can I get a pumpernickel bagel and a plain bagel in a bag?”

    (I get him his bagels. He looks at the bag with a wistful expression.)

    Customer: “Pumpernickel bagel.”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Customer: “Keeps the peace at home, you know?”

    Me: “Um, sure.”

    Customer: “Really does. Twenty-three… no, thirty-four years of marriage and it’s come to this. Pumpernickel bagel.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Pumpernickel… bagel.” *leaves*

    Welcome To Earth, Population: Me

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (A customer calls to ask if his car is ready to be picked up.)

    Caller: “Is my car ready to be picked up?”

    Me: “I can check for you, sir. Which car is it?”

    Caller: “The one I dropped off this morning.”

    Me: “Right, and which one would that be?”

    Caller: “The one that I dropped off today.”

    Me: “Sir, we have a lot of customers on a daily basis. I can’t go on that alone…”

    Caller: “I dropped it off this morning!”

    Me: “Sir, lots of people dropped their cars off this morning. You need to tell me more. The license plate number, or what you dropped it off for, for example?”

    Caller: “It’s the car that I dropped off this morning!”

    Maybe That’s Her Good Side

    | Turnersville, NJ, USA |

    Customer: “Do you take passport photos?”

    Me: “Yes we do. Do you want one taken?”

    Customer: “Yes, please.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Just stand in front of the screen, please, and I’ll take your photo.”

    (She walks up and stands in front of the white screen; she’s facing the background with her back towards me. My coworkers can barely keep it together at this point.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you’re going to have to turn around if you don’t want the back of your head on your passport.”

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