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    A Good Chance Of A Falling Out

    | Ireland |

    (I get call from the United States.)

    Me: “Welcome! My name is Grace, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “What’s your name?”

    Me: “Grace.”

    Caller: “Krays? Is that Irish? It sounds lovely.”

    Me: “No, it’s Grace.”

    Caller: “Oh Rain. Sorry, hun! Anyway this might sound a little silly. Well let me just explain a bit. You see, in the states, we got this thing, right? The trees, the leaves they go all brown and then they fall right off them trees!”

    Me: “Ok.”

    Caller: “It gets cooler in the night, right? And the trees, well it’s just beautiful. We call it ‘Fall’.”

    Me: “Ok. So you want to come in the fall?”

    Caller: “Oh no, honey, I want to know if you guys get something similar, like what we call the fall? With the leaves, they fall right on the ground and people are sweepin ‘em up!”

    Me: “Yeah we have that here too, except we call it Autumn.”

    Caller: “You do? Oh isn’t that wonderful. So when should I travel if I want to see an Irish ‘On-Tom’?”

    Me: “What time of year does your ‘fall’ happen?”

    Caller: “Well it’s like September, October maybe?”

    Me: “Right, well it’s the same here. You just plan for the American fall and you’ll get an Irish Autumn.”

    (Customer nearly goes out of her mind with happiness and excitement. Before hanging up and wishing me a happy ‘Om-Ton’ she snuck in a quick cheeky ‘Top of the mornin!’.)

    Coming Soon: My Big Fat Greek Divorce

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (A man comes up to the box office with his wife.)

    Customer: “Two tickets, please.”

    Me: “Sure, what movie.”

    (Male customer just points at his wife. She does not notice.)

    Me: “Uh, sir, I need to know which movie you’d like to see.”

    (Continues to just point at his wife.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

    Customer: “She’s a Big, Fat, Greek Woman!”

    Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 5

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [service provider]. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Well, I bought one of these mobile phones, only I don’t find it very ‘mobile’.”

    Me: “I’m not really sure I understand the nature of your problem. Are you not receiving a good signal strength?”

    Customer: “I’m able to call people. It’s just that I had a corded phone before, and this one is no better. I can’t get any further away from the wall.”

    Me: “Do you have the handset attached to the charger cable?

    Customer: “Yeah, the booklet said to plug it in before I can use it. This is crazy! I spent all this money and it’s still got 3 feet of cable!”

    Me: “Ma’am, once the phone has had the initial charge of around 12 hours, you can detach the cable and take it with you where ever you like.”

    Customer: “Oh! Asking my son would have been much less embarrassing. Thanks!”

    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless

    Caught In Your Own Conundrum

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    (The company I work for sends out notices to people with FHA home loans letting them know that they may be eligible for a new FHA program, and to call us for more information.)

    Me: “Hi, this is ***. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Take me off your mailing list!”

    Me: “Okay, that’s no problem. What’s the file-number on the notice?”

    Caller: “I’m not giving you any information!”

    Me: “I just need that so I can pull up your file and remove you from the system.”

    Caller: “I’m not giving you any information!”

    Me: “But then I don’t know who you are.”

    Caller: “Good!”

    Me: “But then how do I know who to stop sending the notice to?”

    Caller: *several seconds of silence, and then she hangs up*

    Scratching Is Believing

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer appears at my elbow and grabs my arm.)

    Customer: “You’re wearing too much make-up!”

    Me: “I’m not wearing any makeup. I just have chap stick on my lips.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

    (Suddenly, the customer scratches her nail down my cheek and checks under it for make-up.)

    Customer: “Oh, I guess you’re not. You have lovely skin.” Walks away*

    (Her scratch left a huge red mark on my lovely skin that was still clearly visible three days later.)

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