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    All Hail Lord Konica

    | Worcester, MA, USA |

    Customer: “I need to make copies.”

    Me: “Okay, that copier over there is free, and I just cleared the counter. You‚Äôre all set to copy.”

    Customer: “But I need to use Konica.”

    Me: “Well, another customer is using that machine right now. The other copier works just as well.”

    Customer: “I need to use Konica. May I wait to use Konica?”

    Me: “Uh, sure. Just come to the register when you‚Äôre done.”

    (10 minutes later, the customer using the Konica pays and leaves.)

    Customer: “The Konica is free now. May I use Konica?”

    Me: “Uh huh.”

    (The customer walks over to the Konica, places his palms together, juts his elbows out, and pray-bows in front of the machine while muttering. He then proceeds to make copies, pray-bows again, comes over to the register, pays, and leaves. We’ve since nicknamed him Acid Man.)

    Don’t Worry, We’ll Have The Giraffes Pull Double Shifts

    | Saint Paul, MN, USA |

    Visitor: “Hello, can you tell me how to get to the zoo?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the zoo closed at 6 pm today.”

    Visitor: “But your website says that you’re open 24 hours a day.”

    Me: “No it doesn’t.”

    Visitor: “Do you have a computer with you right now to look it up?¬†I even printed out the page that says you’re open 24 hours a day.”

    Me: “No, I don’t right now, but I’ve looked at it many times before and it doesn’t say that anywhere.¬†Can I see the paper you printed out?”

    Visitor: “I don’t have it with me, but it said that you’re open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.”

    Me: “Think about this. No zoo on earth would be open 24 hours a day. What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense! Are you sure you had the right website?”

    Visitor: “Of course I’m sure! Why would your website lie?”

    Me: “It doesn’t say that! Look at the door and our brochure right over there. They, along with our website, clearly say that we close at 6 pm. Now, we’re closed so you need to leave and come back when we’re open to see the animals.”

    Visitor: “But your website says I should be able to see them now! This is ridiculous!” *storms off*

    (I checked the website later that night and of course, there’s nothing there that even suggests we might be open any later than 6 pm.)

    Just Another Day At Work

    | Shreveport, LA, USA |

    (Okay, for starters: I am wearing clown makeup, a bright pink wig, and a bright orange shirt with our store’s logo on it in HUGE font. A woman with a bible in one hand and a cross in another comes up to me.)

    Woman: “Do you work here?”

    Me: “… yes.”

    Woman: “YOU WILL ALL BURN IN H*** FOR SELLING THESE ITEMS CELEBRATING SATAN’S HOLIDAY!” *turns to customers* “…AND YOU WILL BURN FOR SUPPORTING THEM!”

    Manager, over loudspeaker: “Thank you for shopping at H***Mart! All items are now 6.66% off for the next 6 minutes, 66 seconds. Thank you, and have a nice day!”

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    This Was Before He Started Lobbing Cantaloupes

    | Canberra, Australia |

    Me: “If I can just get your signature there…”

    Elderly customer: *scribbles his name, then starts drawing on the counter*

    Me: “Uh… sir?”

    Elderly customer: *starts drawing up the side of the cash register*

    Me: “Sir? You just… sign your name.”

    Elderly customer: *doodles in the air, up and up… and then jabs me in the forehead with the pen and draws lines on my face*

    Me: “What the h***?”

    Elderly customer: “Reactions like that would have gotten you killed in the war!”

    Assassination By Whiffle Bat

    | Colorado, USA |

    Customer, to her boyfriend: “Don’t ask him. He’s the one who said he liked that other movie!”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry? What movie did I say I liked before to you?”

    Customer: ¬†”You said that In Bruges was good.”

    Me: “Um, yeah. I actually really liked that movie. What was wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It was sad, and there was a lot of blood in it!”

    Me: “… and?”

    Customer: “You didn’t tell me there was going to be blood!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I told you it was a movie about hitmen.”

    Customer: “So?!”

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