Those Are My Stories And I’m Sticking To Them

, | Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Uncategorized

(My coworker and I are talking to each other at the counter of our restaurant when a customer comes up.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I ordered a medium pizza, but I wanted a small.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Do you need a box for the extra pizza?”

Customer: “No. I ordered a large pizza, but you brought me a medium.”

(A little confused, I glance at my coworker. She glances back at me with the same confused look.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am…would you like me to put a small pizza in so that you have more pizza?”

Customer: “No! I ordered a medium pizza, and you brought me a medium pizza! But don’t worry, I’m not mad at you.”

(At this point, both my coworker and I are too confused to know what to say, so we just look back at the customer.)

Customer: “I know! Sometimes my dog can be distracting!” *walks away*

Me and coworker: *still confused*

They Call Me Doctor DIY

, , | New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

Patty And Selma Go Cruising

| Orlando, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(Back when I was about seven years old, I used to have a lemonade stand. One day, these female customers in their late 40s drove up.)

Me: “Hi! Would you like to try some home-made lemonade? Only a dollar!”

Customer #1: “I’ll only have some if you have whiskey in it!”

Me: “Um, I don’t have any whiskey.”

Customer #2: “WE WANT WHISKEY!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any whiskey.”

Customer #1: “Well, if you don’t have any whiskey, we are leaving!” *drives off*

When Super-Sized Burgers Meet Bite-Sized Brains

, | NSW, Australia | Food & Drink

(At the fast food restaurant where I work, we’ve just introduced a burger that is very large. Three customers come into the store…)

Customer #1: “Can I get that new burger?”

Me: “Sure, would you like anything else?”

Customer #2: “Oh my God! You’re getting the new burger?!”

Customer #1: “Yeah!”

Customer #2, to me: “Hey, would that burger fit in my mouth?” *opens his mouth wide*

Me: “No, sir. I seriously believe it won’t.”

Customer #2: “What about now?” *opens bigger*

Me: “No, sir.”

Customer #2: “NOW?” *opens it as large as he possibly can*

Me: “No.”

Customer #3: “I apologise for his small mouth.” *hits the second customer on the head*

Me: “That’s okay.”

Customer #3: “So, would it fit in mine?” *opens mouth*

Me: “No it won’t, sir…”

Now I (Don’t) Know My ABCs

| USA | Uncategorized

(I am assisting a customer in creating a dialup connection on his computer. We’re up to the part where he enters his password. We’ve entered a few letters, when we come to one that is a bit troublesome.)

Me: “The next letter is ‘T’, as in Tom.”

Customer: “Z?”

Me: “‘T’, as in Tom.”

Customer: “I’m not hearing that letter.”

Me: “It’s a letter ‘T’ as in Thomas.”

Customer: “P?”

Me: “A letter ‘T’, as in Thomas, as in ‘taste’, as in…”

Customer: “I’m still not hearing the letter.”

Me: “Okay, the letter in the alphabet that comes after ‘S’ as in
salamander.”

(Customer pauses for about 5 seconds.)

Customer: “L?”

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