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    Did A Number On This One

    | Louisville, KY, USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I am calling a customer.)

    Me: “May I speak to [customer’s name] please?”

    Woman: “He’s not here.”

    Me: “This is [name], with [phone company]. I am calling to remind you that your phone bill was due on the 5th and is in danger of being disconnected. Can you tell me when you will be able to pay it?”

    Woman: “How did you get this number? It’s unlisted!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is the phone company. We gave you this phone number.”

    An Open And Shut Case

    | Spokane, Washington, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

    (It is a hot day after closing time. I am, sweeping up with the drive-thru windows open, and a customer drives up.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, are you still open?”

    Me: “No, sorry, we closed at six. I’m just finishing up to go home.”

    Customer: “So you can’t make me a coffee?”

    Me: “Sorry, no, I already turned off everything and cleaned all the machines.”

    Customer: “But your windows are open.”

    Me: “Yeah, It’s pretty hot in here, so I left them–”

    Customer: “If your windows are open, it means you are open! You shouldn’t leave the windows open! It confuses people, and I think you should make me a coffee!”

    Me: “Well, I can see how you might be confused, and I’m sorry. I turned off all the ‘open’ signs, and our hours are posted. We close at six, so we’re closed.”

    Customer: “You’re windows are open! Make me a f***ing coffee now!”

    Me: “Sorry, I can’t. Everything is turned off! Do you want an Italian soda, or maybe a muffin?”

    Customer: “You can sell me a muffin when you’re closed?”

    Me: “Well, yeah. I don’t need the machines to give you a muffin. What kind do you want?”

    Customer: “I don’t want your f***ing muffin! You are deliberately withholding coffee from me! I am an American! You are violating my rights!” *customer proceeds to scream racial and sexist slurs at me*

    Me: “Oh, gosh, you know what?”

    Customer: “What?”

    (I slam the window shut, and yell through the glass.)

    Me: “Sorry! My window’s shut! We must be closed!”

    Intelligence Levels Are Falling

    | Adirondacks, New York, USA | Math & Science, Uncategorized

    (It is the peak of foliage in the fall. We’ve just had a few massive rain storms and lost a lot of the leaves that had already changed.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [lodge], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “We wanted to come up and stay to check out the foliage. About how far would you say you are from peak?”

    Me: “Well, we were probably about a week away, but after recent storms we lost a lot of the leaves.”

    Customer: “About how many would you say you lost?”

    Me:”Um, I would say maybe half?”

    Customer: “Do you think you’ll be getting any more?”

    When The Boob Tube Just Won’t Do

    | California, USA | Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    (I work at an office that has various different offices and 2 small studios for some of the graphic designers, movie editors, and musicians that work with us. I work as one of the tech support guys and am fixing the computer at the reception desk when a teenager walks in.)

    Customer: “Hey, do you work here?”

    Me: “Yeah, can I help you?”

    Customer: “So what do you guys do here?”

    Me: “Well everyone here does something different, I happen to be tech support.”

    Customer: “Cool, do they make movies here?”

    Me: “I’m not sure, they might.”

    Customer: “Right on, do you know what kind?”

    Me: “Well they have a green screen so I’m not sure.”

    Customer: “Do you know if they make any adult movies here?”

    Me: “Like I said I’m not sure, I’m not sure what they do in the studios.”

    Customer: “Can I take a tour?”

    Me: “Look, I’m the tech support guy, I’m not authorized to give
    you a tour.”

    Customer: “Come on, I’ll give you $5!”

    Me: “I’m not going to risk my job over $5.”

    Customer: “I swear, people like you make it hard for people like me to see boobies!”

    Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday

    | Ohio, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

    (Note: this customer has heard that a girl is celebrating her birthday on Friday the 13th.)

    Customer: “I hope my birthday never falls on Friday the 13th!”

    Me: “When’s your birthday?”

    Customer: “May 20th!”

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