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    The Lion, The Witch And The Supply Cabinet

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall which also holds an 8 foot tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies. )

    Coworker: “Thanks for calling *** Coffee, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, is this *** Coffee?”

    Coworker: “Yes it is, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “This is the *** Coffee in *** Square?”

    Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “The one with the bathroom?”

    Coworker: “Uhhh… yes?”

    Customer: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I cant get out.”

    Coworker: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.”

    Customer: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!”

    Coworker: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.”

    Coworker, to me: “Ummm… so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    (I head over to the bathroom, letting myself in with the spare keys. There is in fact a woman in the large stall, yelling for help.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, your stupid door locked me into the stall and now I’m stuck in here! ”

    (I can hear her fumbling with something, but it isn’t the stall door latch.)

    Me: “Okay. Well, if you’ll just come over to the stall door, turning the knob should open it.”

    Customer: “There is nothing to turn! The door only has a handle!”

    Me: “It does. I’m standing on the other side of it.”

    Customer: “Well, then why don’t YOU open it! You’ve already kept me locked in here for a half hour!”

    (I fiddle with the lock and manage to open it from the outside after a moment, only to see the woman prying at the supply cabinet door.)

    Customer: “Oh, I came in this door. I thought that one…” *points to supply cabinet* “… led to the men’s room.”

    (Without another word, she walks out of the bathroom and out of the store.)

    Coworker: “Maybe she was trying to get to Narnia?”


    | Syracuse, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Can I get a pumpernickel bagel and a plain bagel in a bag?”

    (I get him his bagels. He looks at the bag with a wistful expression.)

    Customer: “Pumpernickel bagel.”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Customer: “Keeps the peace at home, you know?”

    Me: “Um, sure.”

    Customer: “Really does. Twenty-three… no, thirty-four years of marriage and it’s come to this. Pumpernickel bagel.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Pumpernickel… bagel.” *leaves*

    Welcome To Earth, Population: Me

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (A customer calls to ask if his car is ready to be picked up.)

    Caller: “Is my car ready to be picked up?”

    Me: “I can check for you, sir. Which car is it?”

    Caller: “The one I dropped off this morning.”

    Me: “Right, and which one would that be?”

    Caller: “The one that I dropped off today.”

    Me: “Sir, we have a lot of customers on a daily basis. I can’t go on that alone…”

    Caller: “I dropped it off this morning!”

    Me: “Sir, lots of people dropped their cars off this morning. You need to tell me more. The license plate number, or what you dropped it off for, for example?”

    Caller: “It’s the car that I dropped off this morning!”

    Maybe That’s Her Good Side

    | Turnersville, NJ, USA |

    Customer: “Do you take passport photos?”

    Me: “Yes we do. Do you want one taken?”

    Customer: “Yes, please.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Just stand in front of the screen, please, and I’ll take your photo.”

    (She walks up and stands in front of the white screen; she’s facing the background with her back towards me. My coworkers can barely keep it together at this point.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you’re going to have to turn around if you don’t want the back of your head on your passport.”

    He Wants What He Wants

    | Michigan, USA |

    Camper: “Can I get a root beer float?”

    Me: “No, you can only order a single scoop cup or cone.”

    Camper: “So I can get one?”

    Me: “You can get a single scoop ice cream, cup or cone.”

    Camper: “So can I get a root beer float?”

    Me: “You can get a cup or cone, single scoop or ice cream. That’s what you can get. Got it?”

    Camper: *nods*

    Me: “So what are you getting?”

    Camper: “A root beer float.”

    Me: “Are you seriously not getting this?”

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