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    They Really Should Call Them Help(less) Lines

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cell phone service provider]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My cable TV isn’t working.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we’re a cell phone company.”

    Customer: “I know, but I thought that you people would be able to help me with that any way.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can only assist you with your cell phone service.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes. I’m sorry, but we’re only trained to deal with phones. We don’t know anything at all about cable TV.”

    Customer: “Oh, then who should I call?”

    Me: “Do you have your cable bill with you?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Is there a 1-800 number on it?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “You need to call that number.”

    Customer: “Oh. Thank you!”

    Driving The Point Home

    | Illinois, USA | Top

    (Note: our Drive-thru has a strict “No Cell Phone” policy. A customer pulls up to our drive-thru while talking on her cellphone.)

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: *continues talking on cellphone*

    Me: “May I help you?”

    Customer: *continues talking on cellphone*

    Me: “Please end your phone call now, or I will have to ask you to leave our drive-thru.”

    (The customer finally hangs up about 15 seconds later.)

    Customer: “Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Will someone take my order?!”

    Me: “May I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, what took you so long? No one ever even said anything to me.” *places order*

    Me: “Your total is $xx.xx, first window.”

    Customer: *pulls up to the window*

    Me: “Ma’am, you do know our restaurant has a strict “No Cell Phone” policy in drive thru.”

    Customer: “Well, I wasn’t on my cell phone.”

    Me: “You spent 5 minutes ignoring me asking for your order, and I could hear you talking on your cell phone.”

    Customer: “Well, I most certainly wasn’t!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have that no cell phone policy. Please don’t use it again in drive-thru, because we might have to ask you to leave the drive-thru if it happens again.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “Because you took 5 minutes to even start placing your order. That’s 5 minutes we can’t take any other orders.”

    Customer: “This is bulls***! I don’t even have a cellphone!”

    (Suddenly, the customer’s cell phone rings. She picks it up.)

    Customer: “Hello? Oh my gosh, no he didn’t!”

    (It took me another 3 minutes to get her money.)

    Signs That It Is Going To Be A Long Day/Week/Month

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “How can I help?”

    Caller: “I can’t work out how to use your booking calendar. It’s very complicated.”

    Me: “Okay, so tell me if there’s any red text beneath the calendar?”

    Caller: “Yes there is. It says ‘click a start date to begin’.”

    Me: “Okay, so click the date you’d like your booking to start.”

    Caller: “Okay, done that. Now what?”

    Me: “Has the text changed to say ‘Please click an end date’?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “So click the date you’d like your booking to end.”

    Caller: “Okay, I’ve got a price! That’s great, but isn’t that rather complicated?”

    Me: “How do you mean?”

    Caller: “Well, why doesn’t it know the dates I want already?”

    Copyright Meets Copywrong

    | Aberystwyth, UK |

    (A teenage boy and girl come up to my till with a recently purchased CD.)

    Teenage Boy: “I want to return this CD.”

    Me: “Is there a problem?”

    Teenage Boy: “No, I just didn’t like it.”

    Me: “Well, I’m afraid I can’t give you a refund, but you can exchange it.”

    Teenage Boy: “That’s not on. I want to see the manager.”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Teenage Boy: “I want my money back for this CD and he won’t give it to me.”

    Manager: “I’m afraid we can’t give you a refund but you can exchange it for a another CD.”

    Teenage Girl: “He doesn’t want another CD. Why would be want another CD when he can just copy them?”

    When Right Can Be Wrong

    | Lindon, UT, USA |

    Me: “Sir, go ahead and right click on the icon. Now do you see that menu that appears when you right click?”

    Customer: “Nothing happened.”

    Me: “That’s alright. If you double click on the icon, does it open up the file?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it opens it up. Just nothing happens when I right click.”

    Me: “Ok, have you had any issues with right clicking before?”

    Customer: “No, the mouse always clicks and opens whatever I click it on.”

    Me: “Ok, try right clicking on the icon again.”

    Customer: “It’s still doing nothing.”

    Me: “Is your mouse cursor on the icon?”

    Customer: “Yeah, but if I move it any further to the right, it won’t be on the icon anymore.”

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