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    Oh Noes, I Fails

    | Capitola, CA, USA |

    (I worked as a hostess in a not-particularly large restaurant…)

    Me: “Welcome to ****, how many in your party?”

    Man: “Two, but my wife will be meeting me in a few minutes. Can I just sit down now and then you can direct her to my table?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    (So about 30 minutes goes by and in that time about 20 people come in to be seated. None of them say that they’re meeting anyone. The man I seated earlier eventually comes up to me.)

    Man: “You failed me.”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Man: “My wife has been sitting at a table across the room from me for the last twenty minutes because you didn’t direct her to my table!”

    Me: “Well I’m sorry sir, but if she didn’t tell me she was meeting anyone, I would have no way of knowing.”

    Man: “I gave you a job! You didn’t do it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but my job is to seat everyone who comes through this door. I didn’t ask every single female if they were your wife. I assumed she would either tell me she was meeting someone, or look around the room to see if you were there.”

    Man: “You assumed wrong! You FAILED me!”

    If You’re Gonna Be Off, Be Waaaay Off

    | Lincoln, UK |

    (A customer calls on the phone.)

    Me: “Hello how can I help?”

    Customer: “I need an air filter for my car.”

    Me: “Okay sir, what is the model of your car?”

    Customer: “It’s red.”

    Me: “Okay, so it is red, but what car model is it? Is it a ford or a fiat?”

    Customer: “It’s sort of big and red.”

    Me: “…I think you should come round to the store and show us the car you need the filter for.”

    Customer: “Are you saying I’m wrong? The customer is always right!”

    Me: “No, sir. I’m not saying you are wrong…”

    (After this, he hung up and parked his BLUE Audi outside the shop and said it was for that car.)

    Fun With Mistaken Identities

    | Perth, Australia |

    (I was a customer in a certain large toy store during Christmas and it was crowded. I’m on my lunch break, but still have the name tag on from my job. Note I am not in a uniform–I’m in jeans and a t-shirt. I get to where the queue is, and a woman accosts me.)

    Her: “It’s about time you opened another register! It’s disgraceful you keep us waiting like this, we’re busy people!”

    Me: “You know, you’re right. It IS disgraceful. I quit!”

    (I take off my badge before she realises I’m not an employee, and walk out of the store.)

    Proof That Men Will Say Anything

    | Metrowest, MA, USA | Top

    (I’m a lesbian who works in a seedy area of my town, and I’m hit on constantly by these really old guys, or crackheads…or drunks…)

    Drunk guy: “Hey…are you single?”

    Me: “Nope. Gay too.”

    Drunk guy: “Oh. So you like women?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Drunk guy: “I can be a woman!”

    Me: “I have standards.”

    (The drunk man leaves, and my coworker nearly pees herself laughing.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Corporate To The Rescue

    | Dorset, UK |

    (I work in a shop that sells nothing other than boxes of chocolate, in various shapes and sizes. A customer strolls into the shop holding a very expensive box.)

    Customer: *brandishing the box* “I want to return this.”

    Me: “Okay…could I ask you why?”

    Customer: “Chocolate’s too soft.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Chocolate’s too soft. Gimme refund.”

    (I should point out here that the customer was a male forty-something.)

    Me: “Maybe it was just the single chocolate that you tried?”

    (To my absolute horror, he opened the lid to reveal that every single last chocolate had been eaten. Both layers.)

    Customer: “See? Too soft. Want refund. Give me now.”

    (I was about to say something, though I’m not entirely sure what. Thankfully, the day was saved by another customer.)

    Customer 2: “You just ate all the chocolates..?”

    Customer 1: “Uh?”

    Customer 2: “Are you mentally ill?”

    Customer 1: “Wha?”

    Customer 2: “How about you f**k off and leave this poor kid to do his job?”

    Customer 1: *suddenly talking normally* “I don’t think it’s any of your business–”

    Customer 2: “I do.”

    Customer 1: “Why!?”

    Customer 2: “Because I’m from Head Office.”

    We Need One Of These In Every Store

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