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    Fishing For The Truth

    | New Orleans, LA, USA |

    (A tourist couple comes in at lunchtime. The woman orders crawfish bisque, a rich dish served with stuffed crawfish. I bring the food to their table, but she lets out a scream, pointing frantically at her plate.)

    Customer: “What’s that!”

    Me: “It’s crawfish, ma’am. It’s what you ordered.”

    Customer: “That’s not a fish, that’s a bug! Get it away from me, that’s horrible!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I promise you, that’s a crawfish. They’re not actually fish, they’re like little lobsters. Would you like me to show you how to break one open?”

    Customer: “Do you think I’m stupid? I know what a fish looks like! I’m calling the Health Department!”

    (She asks the manager for a phone book and uses the restaurant phone. The manager asks me to pick up the extension so I can help explain the situation.)

    Customer: “I am at [restaurant] and they just served me food with giant bugs in it!”

    Health Officer: “What did you order?”

    Me: *on the extension* “This is the waitress. She ordered Crawfish Bisque.”

    Health Officer: “Ma’am, what kind of bugs are in your food? Roaches?”

    Customer: “No, they’re not roaches, they’re huge! And there’s a whole bunch of them!”

    Me: “I tried to show her how to open the shell, but I think she got confused and was expecting crawfish to be regular…you know…fish.”

    Health Officer: “Ma’am, are these giant bugs on top of a plate full of rice and sauce?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Health Officer: “Do they have a dark red shell?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Health Officer: “Ma’am, you’re supposed to eat those!”

    Customer: *drops the phone and runs out of the restaurant*

    Pot Calling (and Calling, and Calling) The Kettle Black

    | Hollywood, FL, USA |

    (Note: this phone call took place back when dial-up internet was more popular.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “This stupid modem doesn’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t work! It’s stupid!”

    Me: “Well, to fix it I need to know how it isn’t working. Is it turned on now?”

    Customer: “How should I know if the stupid thing is on or not?”

    Me: “Well, there’s an on/off switch on top, and a power light. Is the switch on and the light green?”

    Customer: “Look, I don’t have time for all these stupid questions. I can just show you what it’s doing.”

    Me: “You can show me how the modem isn’t working?”

    Customer: “Yeah… listen!”

    (Suddenly, there is the loud scream of a modem in my ear. After a moment the call disconnects. The customer calls back a minute later.)

    Customer: “There! See what the stupid thing did?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, you told the modem to dial while we were already talking on the line. It screamed in my ear and disconnected.”

    Customer: “You see! This stupid thing does this every time I try to use it while I’m on the phone!”

    Me: “Sir, you can’t use modem on the same line where you are already making a phone call.”

    Customer: “What? I can’t have my phone line tied up every time I want to send a file! That’s stupid! This thing is a piece of sh*t!”

    Me: “Sir, are you able to make a new telephone call when you are already talking on that line without hanging up on the first person or putting them on hold?”

    Customer: “Of course not! Why would you even ask something stupid like that?”

    Me: “Well, your modem can’t do so either.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid!” *hangs up*

    Unable To See The Global Picture

    | Europe |

    Customer: “Someone stole my satellite navigation. The police told me you can block it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you were misinformed. Your satellite navigation can only receive a GPS signal. It does not transmit anything, so we are unable to find it, or disable it.”

    Customer: “But they told me you can block the signal.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, only the U.S. military can block GPS signals.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you call them?”

    Me: “I am afraid not. They will only disable GPS use in times of war.”

    Customer: “But, can’t you tell them my satellite navigation was stolen?”

    Me: “If they disable GPS use, it is disabled for everyone, except the military.”

    Customer: “So?”

    The Tenth Circle Is Stupidity

    | Duluth, MN, USA |

    (A customer looks at our new game Dante’s Inferno.)

    Customer: “Is this, like about Dante from Devil May Cry?”

    Me: “No, it’s based off the poems.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “It’s was originally a series of poems. The Divine Comedy.”

    Customer: “So, it’s a book?”

    Me: “No, it’s a game based off the poems from the Divine Comedy.”

    Customer: “What? So it’s a game then? What the heck is a poem?”

    Lack Of Grey Matter, Part 2

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “My computer monitor is broken.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. What are the symptoms? Does it just not turn on?”

    Customer: “The text is really hard to read.”

    Me: “Just the text?”

    Customer: “Yeah, everything else is fine. I think the backlight thing is dying.”

    (I remote connect to the users machine.)

    Me: “Is this what you’re talking about?” *uses the pointer on the screen*

    Customer: “Yeah, the text right there in my email. It’s faded out. See that?”

    Me: “Sir, your text color is set to grey.”

    Customer: “I didn’t know the monitor could do that!”

    Lack Of Grey Matter

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