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    Take A Guess Who The Better Half Is

    , | San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA | Top

    (A couple approaches, and the dude ditches quickly to the back of the store while the woman barks…)

    Woman: “I need some tickets!”

    Me: “What show?”

    Woman: “I need tickets to the concert.”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Woman: “The concert.”

    Me: “There are a lot of concerts going on, which one do you want to see?”

    Woman: “I don’t know what it’s called.”

    Me: “Who’s playing?”

    Woman: “A bunch of people…I don’t know.”

    Me: “Do you know where it’s going to be?”

    Woman: “No.”

    Me: “When?”

    Woman: “No–why can’t you find my tickets?!?”

    Me: “I need something to go on.”

    Woman: “It’s a concert!”

    Me: “That doesn’t narrow it down for me. That pretty much only eliminates Phantom of the Opera.”

    (She finally yells at the dude who has been hiding in magazines.)

    Woman: “What’s the name of the concert we’re going to?”

    (The dude comes forward and gives me the name of the show, where it is and on what day.)

    Woman: “Oh, NOW you can find the tickets.”

    Me: “…”

    Woman: “We need two tickets…TOGETHER!”

    Me, looking at dude: “Are you sure?”

    (He smiled, she missed it, and I lived to do retail another day.)

    Urine Way Over Your Head

    | Durham, NC, USA | Top

    (I was in the ladies room during a shift, wearing a skirt. This is key.)

    Woman, in stall next to mine: “You’re not wearing any pants!”

    (I ignore her, thinking she’s on the phone.)

    Woman: *starts banging on the wall between us* “You’re not wearing any pants!”

    Me: “…I’m…sorry?”

    Woman: “You! You’re not wearing any pants!” *bangs some more*

    Me: “And you know this how?”

    Woman: “I can see your legs! They’re bare! You’re not wearing any pants!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m wearing a *skirt*.”

    (The woman stops banging on the wall, and is completely silent. I never got to know what she thought of a woman wearing a skirt.)

    Thank You, Dr. Frankenstein

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Top

    (I was helping a regular customer who had wandered in–as he did daily–from the nursing home across the street.)

    Old Man: “You’re working again?”

    Me: “Yes, every day.”

    Old Man: “You know what? Every time I see you, there’s a big smile on your face.”

    Me: “What can I say, I love my job.”

    Old Man: “Yes, you have a wonderful smile. You’ll make a good looking corpse.”

    Me: “…”

    (He got a wide berth after that.)

    Always Right, Even When At The Wrong Store

    , | Yorkshire, UK |

    (I work in a motor factor (in America, an auto parts/accessories shop) which is on the same estate as a car workshop. Outside there is a huge sign for the workshop stating the things that they do e.g. brakes, exhausts, MOT testing etc.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book my car in for a five point service.”

    (Now, we do various easy-peasy checks e.g. oil, water, and we fit batteries, bulbs, radios etc, so often customers are often confused as to exactly what we do and do not do.)

    Me: “You mean the five point check? Just pull your car into the bay outside and I’ll be out in a minute.”

    Customer: “No, NO, I meant the service you have advertised outside! New brakes, oil change!”

    Me: “I think you’re confusing us with the garage next door. We’re just a motor factor.”

    Customer: “But you’ve got a sign outside!”

    Me: “Let’s have a look then…”

    (We look and the sign is for the garage next door, not our motor factor. I point out that our building has a completely different name outside it.)

    Customer: “That’s false advertising! Why can’t you do it?! I demand that I get a free service for the inconvenience you have caused me!”

    Me: “Sorry mate, we’re just a motor factor. I’d happily service my own car, but I’m not a mechanic, I’m a history student. If you’d like the five-point service, try the building with the same name as on the sign.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I want YOU–” *stabs me in the chest with his finger* “–to service my car right now!”

    Me: “Okay, if you just follow me, and talk to that gentleman there–” *points at garage owner* “–I can service your car straight away.”

    Customer: *walks off swearing*

    Hopefully, She’s Not Also Topless

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    (Working in tech support, I talk to some pretty dumb people every day. This was a particular highlight of the week.)

    Me: “Go ahead and check the icons in the bottom right hand corner of your screen for me.”

    Customer: “I have no bottom right.”

    Me: “Ma’am, everything has a bottom right.”


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