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    Stealthy Healthy

    | Queensland, Australia | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Customer: “You don’t have anything healthy on the menu!”

    Me: “Well, the salmon is–”

    Customer: “Yuck! No one eats salmon! You people have no healthy options on this menu!”

    Me: “The steak is extremely lean and grilled. You can have it with the vegetables, or the salad with no dressing.”

    Customer: “Yuck! I hate steak! And I am not having vegetables!”

    Me: “The tuna steak is–”

    Customer: “Yuck!”

    Me: “Or you could try the–”

    Customer: “There is nothing healthy on this menu! Give me a bowl of chips. With gravy. And cheese.”

    Unloading Marital Baggage

    | Prospect, CT, USA | At The Checkout, Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

    (A man comes up to the register with a full shopping cart.)

    Me: “Paper or plastic?”

    Customer: “I’d like double bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (After I manage to get all of his groceries into three very heavy bags and bring them out to his car.)

    Customer: “In case you’re wondering, I just had a fight with my wife and it’s my turn to pick up the groceries.”

    Me: “Uh-huh.”

    Customer: “It’s also her turn to unload the car.”

    Pre(Car)ious Insurance, Part 2

    | Texas, USA | Liars & Scammers, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like to get full coverage insurance on this vehicle.”

    Me: “Well, your car is over 15 years old, so I don’t think that will be possible. We simply don’t have a company willing to write it.”

    Customer: “But, what am I supposed to do if I want full coverage?”

    Me: “I guess get a newer car?”

    Customer: “If I wreck that car I’m screwed! I’m not that good of a driver to start with!”

    Related:
    Pre(Car)ious Insurance

    Not All Customers Are Bona-Fido

    | USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

    Me: “[Doctor’s] office, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, there! I was wondering if I could get an appointment for today?”

    Me: “Most likely. What type of animal do you have?”

    Customer: *noticeable pause* “I have a dog. I just need the shots to go overseas.”

    Me: “How exciting! When are you traveling?”

    Customer: “Tomorrow. I tried to get an appointment at the other doctor, but he couldn’t fit me in.”

    Me: “Well, just for a vaccination, I think we can manage that around four p.m. today. Do you happen to know what shots your dog needs?”

    Customer: “My dog?”

    Me: “Yes…to go abroad.”

    Customer: “Why would I give shots to my dog? He’s staying here. I need shots for my wife and me.”

    Me: “Sir, this is a veterinarian’s office. We treat animals here.”

    Customer: “But my flight’s tomorrow! Can’t you make an exception?”

    Me: “Sir, that would be highly illegal. And we only carry shots designed for dogs. We don’t have the type you’d need.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’m going to report you to the state!” *click*

    (The phone rings a moment later.)

    Me: “[Doctor’s] office, how can I help you today?”

    Same Customer: “Um…my wife wants to know if you have dog boarding.”

    An Inconvenient Car Boot

    | Melbourne, Australia | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

    (We are a plant nursery trying to reduce the amount of plastic bags we give out.)

    Me: “Do you need a bag with that? We can give you a reusable plastic car boot liner or newspaper.”

    Customer: “No bag. I’m trying to save the trees and the planet.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: *short pause* “Have you got a sheet of plastic I can use instead? Like the car boot liner, but with handles?”

    Me: “What, like a plastic bag?”

    Customer: “Perfect!”

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