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  • Ron Service Isn’t Available

    | Virginia, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Can I help you sir?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’m calling for a person. He is in room 159F.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have a room with that number.”

    Caller: “Are you sure? He is an old friend and said he was staying at this hotel.”

    Me: “Yes sir, I am sure we don’t have that room. But if you give me his name, I can see if we have a guest with that name.”

    Caller: “Ron.”

    Me: “Last name?”

    Caller: “I don’t know. He’s from Canada.”

    Me: “Sorry sir, I need more to go on than that.”

    Caller: “Can’t you just call every room and ask for a Ron from Canada?”

    Me: “No sir. No I can’t.”

    Caller: “It’s okay, I’ll hold.”

    The Point Of No Return

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “You charged my credit card forty five dollars. Can I get a refund?”

    (I pull up his account.)

    Me: “Okay. I see that you rented two movies that were never returned and you were charged the sale price of the movies.”

    Customer: “Well, I was on vacation and I forgot to return them on time.”

    Me:“Let me go check the shelves for them; it’s possible that they didn’t get checked in properly. If I find them I can put a credit on your account that you can use whenever you’re in the store next.”

    Customer: “I didn’t return them.”

    (It’s been over two months since the movies were originally due.)

    Me:“You didn’t return them?”

    Customer: “Nope.”

    Me:“Sir, you would like me to pay you for renting movies and never bringing them back?”

    Customer: “Uh huh.”

    Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

    Customer: “Okay…I just thought I’d ask.”

    Naturally Stupid

    | Minnesota, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Front desk, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “There’s a noise outside and it’s keeping me awake.”

    Me: “What does it sound like ma’am?”

    Customer: “Squeaky toys or something. Do you allow dogs here?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do, but they’re all on the first floor. Let me see if we anyone is out back and I’ll call you right back to let you know what I find out.”

    (I go and check out back and there isn’t anyone out there. However, the sound of the early spring frogs is deafening. I call her back.)

    Me: “Ma’am, those are frogs.”

    Customer: “Well, can you turn them off?”

    Me: “No ma’am, they’re frogs.”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t come here for your nature sounds. I’m only staying here because I need a place to sleep. I refuse to pay for the sound of frogs.”

    Me: “Well, the nature sounds are complimentary.”

    Customer: “Oh, well…goodnight, then.”

    The Twelve (Billion) Days Of Christmas

    | Australia | Uncategorized

    (Note: this takes place Christmas Eve.)

    Customer: “What’s this about you guys closing tomorrow?”

    Me: “Yes, we are closed for Christmas day so we can have time with our families.”

    Customer: “But if you’re closed, then what am I supposed to feed my family with!? You guys are supposed to be open all the time!”

    Me: “But what about our families? Can’t we spend time with them?”

    Customer: “No, because you’re supposed to be here working and serving us food!”

    Totally Flunked That One

    | Oxford, UK | Uncategorized

    (I am working in a cafe near one of the main halls for University examinations, for which the students have to wear full robes. Every time an exam finishes, the students come out and celebrate with champagne and confetti.)

    Tourist: “Excuse me, what time is the next show?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? There’s a theatre round the corner from here. They might be able to help you.”

    Tourist: “No, the next University show. With the costumes and everything.”

    Me: “I’m afraid that’s not a performance. Those are the University’s students, and they’re finishing their exams.”

    Tourist: “So when will the next one finish? I want to bring my wife.”

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