His Repair Method Doesn’t Hold Water

| USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Technology, Top

(A customer brings his laptop in to be fixed.)

Customer: “It won’t turn on.”

(I plug it in, and press the power button, doesn’t work. I flip it over to make sure the battery is locked into place and see rust/corrosion all over the battery.)

Me: “Whoa! We can’t fix this. It isn’t safe. What happened to it?”

Customer: “It got hot, so I put water on it.”

Unlimited Texts, Limited Intelligence

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Family & Kids, Technology, Uncategorized

(After purchasing a cell phone a few hours ago, a teenager and her mom return, saying they’re having difficulty.)

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer’s mom: “She’s having problems sending a text message to her dad.”

Customer: “Yeah, it keeps saying that it doesn’t recognize his phone or something.”

Me: “Oh, that’s odd. Here, show me.”

(The customer types a short message along with her dad’s number, and hits send. After a few moments, a message reads ‘Error: Your message was not sent. Address is not a recognized mobile device’.)

Me: “Oh…are you trying to text it to his home phone?”

Customer’s mom:“Yes! Why does that matter?”

Me: “Because only cell phones can receive text messages. It’s not going to work.”

Customer’s mom:“What? Since when? Well, she’d like a plan that can do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, it’s not up to me. That’s just how phones work.”

Customer: “But it’s an unlimited texting plan!”

Related:
Unlimited Minutes, Limited Intelligence

Try Not To Read Too Much Into It

| Winchester, UK | Books & Reading, Family & Kids, Funny Names, Holidays, Top

(A six or seven year old boy comes into the children’s bookstore, his mother trailing behind him.)

Mother: “Go on then! Ask! She won’t know what you’re talking about and then you can stop wasting my time!”

Boy: “Hello!”

Me: “Hello.”

Boy: “I want a book.”

Me: “Well you’re in the right place.”

Boy: “It’s about a boy. Who lives with a caveman. He’s got a funny name beginning with ‘S’.”

Mother: “There. Now you know there’s no such book.”

Me: “That wouldn’t be ‘Stig of the Dump’ would it?”

Boy: *jumping up and down* “Yes yes yes! I told you mummy!”

Mother: “Don’t contradict me in front of my son!” *starts walking her son out of the shop and still talking to me* “You read too many books!”

Asking The Eggs-pert

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(I am serving a table of 4, getting last customer’s order.)

Me: “How would you like your eggs?”

Customer: “How do people usually get them?”

Me: “They get them whatever way they like them prepared.”

Customer: “Can you name some of the ways?”

Me: “Sure. Scrambled, sunny side up, over-easy, over-medium, over-well, poached, basted, soft-boiled, hard boiled, I think that’s all of them.”

Customer: *long silence*

Me: “Sir, what do the eggs you like best look like?”

Customer: “Can you give me some examples?”

Me: “Well, scrambled is yellow and fluffy, sunny side up the yellow is lightly cooked and the white isn’t all the way cooked, over-easy is the white part is all cooked, but the yellow is runny, over-medium is the white is all cooked with the edges a little crisp and the yellow a little thick, over-well is when the whites are cooked and a little brown and the yellow is cooked all the way through and dry.”

Customer: “Which is the one where you can dip the toast in the yellow but there’s no goopy stuff?”

Me: “Over-easy is the best option for that.”

Customer: “That’s the way I like my eggs then.”

Me: “Did you want me to write that down for you for the next time you go out for breakfast?”

All of the customer’s friends: *in unison* “Yes, please!”

A Mammoth Mistake

| Alaska, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

(The gift shop I work in has many ivory jewelry and sculpture pieces. The ivory is from woolly mammoths that used to roam Alaska.)

Customer: “Where does the woolly mammoth ivory come from?”

Me: “The tusks are collected on the northern tundra by Alaskan Natives. The Natives carve the ivory and then sell it to us.”

Customer: “I think it’s so great that people aren’t allowed to hunt the mammoths anymore! I hate hunters!”

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