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    A Leaf Blower And An Acetylene Torch Should Do The Trick

    , | Denver, CO, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, do you sell hair dryers?”

    Me: “Um, this is a hardware store.”

    Customer: “Yes, yes, I know that. Do you sell them?”

    Me: “No, we sell hardware here. But I’m sure the Target up the road sells hair dryers.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll just look around a bit.”

    (About ten minutes later…)

    Customer: “You could have TOLD me you only sold tools and nails here, BEFORE I wasted my time. Now I’ll have to go to Target!”

    Righteousness And Hyprocisy, Sitting In A Tree

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I was ringing this ladies order up and the entire order consisted of chicken, pork chops, t-bones and rib eyes.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Your total is going to be [over $200].”

    Customer: “Now before I pay you, I have to say something…”

    Me: “Okay?”

    Customer: “I know this has no reflection on you and you more than likely can’t do anything about it, but ***** has no right to sell live animals.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

    (I start chuckling a little. We only sell live gold fish as feeder fish for people’s piranhas and Oscars.)

    Customer: “Well, what on earth can be so funny about me saying that?”

    Me: “Weeelllll, you really had no problem buying the dead animals we sell.”

    Customer: “As a charter member of PETA, I resent everything you just said to me. Not only does this store sell live animals, but it sells dead ones too?”

    Me: “Well, yes, ma’am. We sell pork, chicken, beef, bison, and several different types of fish.”

    Customer: “And you see no problem with this?!”

    Me: “Well you see, ma’am, as a card carrying member of the NRA, the only problem I can see is that they don’t also offer to cook it for me too.”

    (She stormed off without ever paying for her stuff. My manager wound up writing me up for being less than courteous.)

    Mmm, Pasty Nerds

    , | Exton, PA, USA | Top

    (A woman in her forties walks in…)

    Customer: “I’d like $5 worth of games for a Nintendo DS and the system itself. This should cover it all.”

    (The customer puts $20 on the counter.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have any DS games for five bucks, and if you want a DS, you’re about sixty-five dollars short… $115 if you want a new one.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Toys’R'Us has them for $15. You should price match.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do not price match here, and even if we did, I’m only a seasonal employee and wouldn’t likely be allowed to.”

    Customer: *screaming* “Let me speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Alright…”

    (I go to get manager from the back room. She explains the situation. BTW, I’m a woman myself.)

    Customer: “THIS IS DISCRIMINATION! YOU AREN’T GIVING ME FAIR TREATMENT BECAUSE I’M NOT A FAT, PASTY NERD THAT KNOWS THINGS LIKE YOU TWO! AND BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN!”

    Manager: “I’d like you to leave the store, please.”

    Customer: “FINE! NERDS!”

    Tech Support, How I Miss Thee

    | Louisiana, USA |

    (Preface: One of our business’ locations lost power. I first spent an hour on the phone…)

    Me: “Your power went out? Did you shut down the computers or did they shut down on their own?”

    Them: “They just shut down, and now they won’t come up!”

    Me: “So you have power now? Are your TVs and radios playing?”

    Them: “Yes!”

    Me: “What I want you to do is go to the computer and find the power cord.”

    Them: “Okay, got it.”

    Me: “Trace it to the battery backup. You will find it plugged into the back of it.”

    Them: “Okay, found it.”

    Me: “Plug it into a receptacle other than the battery backup. Plug it into the wall receptacle.”

    Them: “Okay, done.”

    Me: “Now try to power the computer up.”

    Them: “Nothing.”

    Me: “Okay, there may have been a breaker that tripped. Do you know your way around your fusebox?”

    Them: “Yes.”

    Me: “Go look at it and see if anything is tripped. If so, reset it, okay?”

    Them: “Okay, hold on…”

    (After a few moments…)

    Them: “Nothing’s tripped and I got customers needing to make payments!”

    Me: “Okay, I will be there in a couple of hours.”

    (After a two hour trip, I arrive with a new computer in my backseat. The first thing I look at is the APC backup power supply. The problem? The computer was still plugged into the backup, but even better: they plugged the backup power supply into itself. Two hour trip, one minute solution.)

    The Not-So-Difficult Art Of Misdirection

    | Canada | Top

    Me: “Hello, ****** Fencing Club.”

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for some galvanized pipe.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I think you may be confused. This is a fencing club… you know, the sport. We don’t actually make fences.”

    Customer: “Oh… you see, I’m making a cage for a parrot. Do you have any galvanized pipe?”

    Me: “No, I don’t think you understand. We don’t have material for building fences, we do sword fighting here. It’s a sport. Foils, epees, sabres.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay… it needs to be galvanized so that it won’t chip if the parrot bites it.”

    Me: “I don’t think you’re following me. We don’t build fences here, and we don’t have pipe.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see… you see, I need to make the cage for a movie set, and it needs to be galvanized so that it doesn’t chip if the parrot bites it.”

    Me: *giving up* “Galvanized pipe, you say?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Try the Soccer Centre.”

    Customer: “The Soccer Centre?”

    Me: “Yeah, the Soccer Centre.”

    Customer: “Thank you!”


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