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    From Parallel To Perpendicular

    | Jackson, MI, USA |

    (In our hospital sleep lab, we have a bunch of rooms with beds for people to sleep on. Every room is monitored and recorded with a video camera so we can watch the patients while they’re sleeping. One day, my daughter’s math teacher came in…)

    Me: “Hey, Mr. ***! Let me hook you up and you can get to sleep.”

    Mr. ***: “Alright.”

    (I hook him up and tell him to try to sleep as quickly as he can.¬†We don’t give our patients sleep medication because that could interfere with their normal sleep habits. As I return to the control room, I hear hysterical laughter.)

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Coworker: “Who did you say that guy was?”

    Me: “Oh! My daughter’s math teacher at her high school.”

    (Everyone laughs harder.)

    Me: “What is going on??”

    (My coworker points to the screen showing Mr. ***’s room. He’s masturbating.)

    Me, over the intercom: “MR. ***, PLEASE! You are being recorded!”

    Mr. ***: “But you said to go to sleep as fast as I can!” ¬†

    Me: “That’s not appropriate!”

    Mr. ***: “Well, fine! I guess a man can’t get any privacy when he’s trying to sleep!¬†YOU’RE inappropriate! Why the h*** were you watching me?!” *gets dressed and storms out of the hospital*

    Because Mocha Sounds Sooo Much Like Frappuccino

    | Indiana, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like two large strawberries and cream Frappuccinos.”

    Me: “Alright, anything else with that?”

    Customer: “No, that’s all.”

    (I make her drinks and hand them out.)

    Customer: “These are cold…”

    Me: “You ordered two large strawberries and cream Frappuccinos.”

    Customer: “Oh! You know what? I actually meant I wanted two large mochas. The hot drinks!”

    (Duh, how could I not have gotten that from her original order?)

    No Problem, We’ll Just Bulldoze A Nearby Home

    | Alaska, USA |

    Me: “What size popcorn would you like, sir?”

    Older Man: “Do your managers know that there are no parking spots out there?”

    Me: “Um… I’m pretty sure they are aware of that, sir. Three very popular movies came out today, seeing how it is Friday.”

    Older Man: “Well, maybe they need to be informed of the situation so they can fix it!”

    Me: “I’ll let them know right now! In the meantime, this gentleman can help you with your popcorn…”

    (I walk off, barely able to contain my laughter.)

    Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing

    | Cottage Grove, MN, USA |

    (It was in between Halloween and Christmas and we were changing the promotional aisle and switching stuff out. ¬†There was literally nothing in the aisle but folded down cardboard boxes, and signs were up saying “temporary out of order”.)

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Okay, is everything alright?”

    Customer: “No, I was walking down the aisle with cardboard and I fell. I am blaming you!”

    Me: “I didn’t make you walk down the aisle… didn’t you see the sign?”

    Customer: “I needed something down that aisle! I am going to have you fired for your rude attitude!”

    (I call the manager on the PA system.)

    Customer: “You’re going to be in trouble!”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I fell down in the aisle with cardboard boxes. It’s all this kid’s fault.”

    Manager: “You shouldn’t have walked down the aisle, then. I suggest you leave before I call the police for harassing one of my employees.”

    Customer: *faking she’s in pain* “I don’t believe this! I am going to call the corporate office!”

    Manager: “Right after I call the police.” *walks away to “call the police”*

    Me: “You got him mad. He is a mean one when he is mad.”

    Customer: “Really?”

    Me: “Oh yeah!”

    Customer: ‘Um… I have to get my cell phone out of the car.” *leaves quickly*

    (She never returned.)

    Posted: Picky Procrastinator Prefers Plethora of Paraphernalia

    | Valencia, CA, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ****** ma’am!¬†Is there anything I can help you find?”

    Customer: “Do you have any glass candle holders?”

    Me: “Of course, what kind were you looking for?”

    Customer: “Oh, nothing in particular. Could you bring me a selection? The kids are kinda cranky and I need to get some towels.”

    Me: “Here’s about eight different kinds.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have anything tall and thin? I need something about six inches high.”

    Me: “Two of these are over six inches…”

    Customer: “Those are too plain. Can I get something with a floral pattern?¬†Etched on the glass, I mean. ”

    Me: “This one has an etched vine design on it.”

    Customer: “Oh that one’s too expensive.¬†It needs to be under five dollars.”

    Me: “I found a style that fits your description, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Great! How many of them do you have?”

    Me: “Well, it was in the clearance section, which means that more than five could be difficult to find. How many do you need?”

    Customer: “Five hundred.”

    Me: “… um, I don’t think we have five hundred of ANYTHING in stock.¬†We don’t deal in high volume. I can order five hundred of this item for you though, and have them delivered to your house.”

    Customer: “How long would that take?”

    Me: “For an older item like this, and with that high a number, it will probably take the full two weeks specified in our shipping guarantee. We’ll need to get them from multiple locations.”

    Customer: “Oh.¬†I need them by tomorrow. ”

    Me: “… what?”

    Customer: “It’s a big charity event I’m hosting, and I need five hundred identical glass candle holders by tomorrow. ¬†Plus you do free gift wrapping, and I figured I could save some money there. ¬†I wanted ones like I saw in another store but I guess you just don’t have a very good selection.”

    Me: “Not if you need five hundred of them at once!”

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