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    …Or Look Under “C” For Clueless

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “*** Plumbing, how can I help you?”

    Customer: Yeah, do you guys clean ducts?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t do that.”

    Customer: “Then who does do it?”

    Me: “I’m not sure but you could probably find a duct cleaning company in the phonebook.”

    Customer: “Ok, how do I do that?”

    Me: “Open the phonebook…and look for duct cleaning.”

    Customer: “Ok, what do I look under?”

    Me: *bangs head on desk* “I’m guessing the letter D might be a start…”

    Shortest. Honeymoon. Ever.

    , | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A woman approaches me at the cash desk and pulls out a pair of underwear to return.)

    Woman: “I’d like to return this.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, but we cannot accept returns on intimate apparel.”

    Woman: “Why not? I haven’t worn it.”

    Me: “It’s against our company policy for health reasons.”

    Woman: “Well this is ridiculous! I bought these to wear on my honeymoon and I didn’t end up wearing them, so now they’re useless!”

    (The woman storms out of store, leaving the underwear on the counter.)

    Me: *wonders just what happened on the honeymoon*

    Not So Sweet Toothed

    | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada |

    (The bakery had just closed. I had clocked out, and was on my way out of the store.)

    Lady: “Excuse me, could you decorate this cake for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. My shift is over, and the bakery is closed.”

    Lady: “But I need it done for tomorrow! If you don’t do it, I’ll call your manager!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what do you do for a living?”

    Lady: “I’m a dentist…”

    Me: “Would you like to look at my teeth after your shift ends, for free?”

    Lady: “That’s different. My job is hard. Anyone could do your job.”

    Me: “Then you won’t mind taking that cake home and decorating it yourself.”

    There Is No Spoon

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (I was called back by the pharmacist to assist with a verbally abusive customer. The more the lady yelled, the louder her kid cried. None of the other customers in line behind her could get to the register. )

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Lady: “It’s about time you got back here to straighten this out! This s**thead won’t give me a medicine spoon!”

    Pharmacist: “I’m sorry, I’ve tried to explain that we are all out of the complimentary spoons.”

    Lady: “If my daughter ends up getting an overdose of her medicine, I’m going to sue you!”

    (I rolled my eyes and walked over to a display of dosing spoons, selecting one we sell for 99 cents.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry we don’t have any of the free ones. Let me buy this one for you.”

    Lady: “What? Do I look like a welfare mother to you? I don’t need your f**king charity!”

    Pharmacist: “You don’t need the spoon either. Those are chewable tablets…”

    Just Shut Up And Watch Your Movie

    | Northbrook, IL, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the movie theater concession stand.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a cinnamon pretzel, please.”

    Me: “We don’t have any of those prepared right now, so it will be about five minutes. Is that ok?”

    Customer, pointing to the display case of pretzels: “Why can’t I have one of those?”

    Me: “Oh, those are just for display. They’re covered in chemicals and have been there for ages.”

    Customer: “So they’re not real pretzels?”

    Me: “No, they’re real pretzels, just not really edible.”

    Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t have them out if people can’t get them.”

    Me: “We put the display case out so people can see what they’re like.”

    Customer: “I still don’t understand why you have fake pretzels out instead of real ones.”

    Me: “Look, even if you could eat those pretzels, look at the case; there’s no way to open it!”

    Customer: “Fine. It still seems stupid to have fake pretzels.”


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