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    Talking S*** Behind Someone’s Back 101

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I need to buy something for my 12 year old niece. I’d like a classic.”

    (I show her the classics.)

    Customer: “Oh! The Little Princess! What’s this about?”

    (I tell her the story.)

    Customer: “Sounds good…” *turns to her daughter* “So honey, we’re buying this for Monica, because she’s a spoiled brat, her parents treat her like a princess, and we want her to learn what it’s like to have nothing! Doesn’t that sound good?”

    The Customer Is Sometimes Right

    | Savannah, GA, USA |

    Customer: “You don’t have any candy apples?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we only make them on Fridays and they usually sell out before the weekend is over.”

    Customer: “Oh. Do you get that question a lot?”

    Me: “… yes.”

    Customer: “I bet you get sick of it, don’t you? I bet you’re thinking, ‘B***, you see candy apples?’”

    Me: *laughs*

    (Sometimes, the customer is right!)

    Ironically, She’s Applying For A Customer Service Position

    | Yukon, Canada |

    (I work in an employment office where we help people with their resumes. We often send/receive resumes as needed.)

    Caller: “Hi, my name is ***. Can you get my resume faxed for me?”

    Me: “Where would you like it faxed?”

    Caller: “It’s in Drayton Valley, Alberta.”

    Me: “Okay, so where in Drayton Valley would you like it sent?”

    Caller: “No, no, I need it sent to me HERE. It’s IN Drayton Valley. Someone there has it.”

    Me: “Who has it there?”

    Caller: “I dunno! Pam… something! She wrote it for me, and I need it! Phone Drayton Valley and get it for me!”

    Me: “Miss, Drayton Valley is a TOWN in Alberta. I need the name and number of whatever business or person in that town that has your resume, before I can have it sent here for you.”

    Caller: “I know that! Just phone around there! It’s a small town, someone will have it!”

    Me: “I can’t exactly go phoning random companies in a town asking if they have your resume.”

    Caller: “Well, it’s a small town like here! Someone will have it! Call someone named Pam… something.”

    Me: “Okay, look. I either need a company or persons name and their phone number to contact them to ask for it, or I can’t get your resume.”

    Caller: “Ugh! But I left my papers at home! Can’t you just phone around?”

    Me: “No, sorry.”

    Caller: “FINE. I’ll have to FIND my papers MYSELF with the number. You’re supposed to be able to get my resume FOR me.”

    Me: “Only if I know who to talk to…”

    Caller: “Whatever!” *click*

    Of Mountains And Molehills

    | Illinois, USA |

    (It’s winter time and the car wash is shut down because it tends to freeze below a certain temperature.)

    Customer: “Why is the car wash closed?”

    Me: “It’s below 20 degrees. It has to be closed or it’ll freeze.”

    Customer: “But I just bought a car wash and now I can’t wash my car!”

    Me: “Those car washes don’t expire. You can use it when the weather warms up a little bit.”

    Customer: “The g**d*** car wash is always closed! EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE, THE CAR WASH IS CLOSED! IT’S ALWAYS–”

    Me: “HEY!”

    Customer: *backs up, surprised*

    Me: “It’s just a car wash.”

    Customer: *walks out in a huff*

    Whoaaahh, Am I Moving The Mouse Or Is It Moving Me

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Okay, so what seems to be the problem?”

    Caller: “Well, it’s my son’s computer, it’s… smoking.”

    Me: “It’s smoking? Is it making a loud beeping sound or is it hot? Anything else that would indicate that it’s on fire?”

    Caller: “No! It’s not hot or anything. In fact, it seems to work just fine, but after it being on for about two or three minutes it starts to smoke.”

    Me: “Okay… well, shut the machine down, unplug it, and then hold down the power button for about ten seconds.”

    Caller: “Ok. Got it. Now what?”

    Me: “Ok, open the case and take a look inside. Does anything look melted or cracked or–”

    Caller: “Oh…”

    Me: “You found the problem?”

    Caller: *angry* “Oooh yeah. There’s… uh… there’s a little plastic bag taped to the inside of the case… full of dried green stuff.”

    Me: *trying not to laugh*

    Caller: “Thanks for your help. I need to go have a talk with my son.” *click*

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