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    The Early Bird Counts Its Chickens In The Bush

    | Oregon, USA |

    (My boss spent 35 years in the Army, and it shows.  He is famous for quoting motivational posters.)

    Boss, to camper: “I understand your concern, ma’am, but sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk.”

    Camper: “I just wanted to transfer campsites.”

    Boss: “Understood. But sometimes it takes a village, right?”

    Camper, to me: “Can I speak with someone who isn’t on crack?”

    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2

    | London, UK |

    (A customer comes to the counter to borrow a DVD, I go into the back and get the one he wants, and all seems normal…)

    Me: “May I have your card?”

    Customer: *presents a bank card*

    Me: “I mean your library card.”

    Customer: “You mean I can’t buy it?”

    Me: “No, you can only borrow from a library. ¬†You can buy DVDs in the shop around the corner.

    Customer: “Oh…. so I can’t buy it here? I have to borrow it?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Customer: “I wanted to buy it.”

    Me: “You can only buy it from shops. Are you a member of the library?

    Customer: “No, I wanted to buy this DVD.”

    Me: “You can’t buy things here, you can only borrow things when you’re a member.”

    (By this point there is quite a long queue behind him, so I ring the bell for assistance.)

    Customer: “What’s that bell for? Is it for getting a copy I can buy?”

    Me: “No, it’s to get assistance for the other readers. ¬†If you’d like to buy a DVD, I’d strongly suggest you go elsewhere. ”

    Customer: “So I can’t buy it?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: *pauses* “Oh… I wanted to buy it.” (After one more pause, he finally leaves.)

    Related:
    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition
    I Think She Wants A Discount

    Just… Wow

    , | Oregon, USA |

    Customer: “I want the Cheesecake Sandwich with provolone, double meat and extra veggies.”

    Me: “The Cheesesteak already comes with double meat. It will be a few extra dollars if I add more. We don’t have provolone, what cheese would you like instead?”

    Customer: “You’re kidding, right? I’m not paying $10 for a sandwich! And without provolone! Just give me the extra meat, you don’t have to weigh it exactly. No one will know!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

    (I weigh the meat to the correct portion and put it on the sandwich.)

    Customer: “That’s too much meat! What are you doing?”

    Me: “Actually, this is the correct portion. Would you like me to take some off?

    Customer: “Only if you lower the price. I said add more meat, so ADD it! And why don’t you have provolone? ***’s has it… and where are the veggies?”

    Me: “It typically doesn’t come with them, but I can add tomato, onions, lettuce, olives or mushrooms.”

    Customer: “I can only pick ONE?”

    Me: “No… any or all of them.”

    Customer: “All of those are gross! God, who would eat that?”

    Me: “… so no veggies?”

    Customer: “Are they free?”

    Me: “Yes…”

    Customer: “Put them all on, and I’ll just pick off whatever I don’t like.”

    Me: “Okay, thank you…” *smiling, thinking it’s over*

    (After I finish the sub, the customer argues with the cashier over the price of the sub, demanding a discount.)

    Customer: “This place is so expensive and I can’t even get provolone! The veggies are all mixed together! This isn’t like *** at all! I didn’t even want half of them! Where is your manager?”

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “You again!”

    (The customer makes a pissed off face, and then opens the sub. They start picking it apart on the counter.)

    Customer: “Your cashier is trying to ring me up, but that’s not the price!¬†Refund me or I’m never coming here again!”

    Me: “Actually, I just made that for you. You didn’t want the meat removed, so it is that price. I can remake it if you’d like, with less meat. Or would you still like a refund?”

    Customer: “Never mind!” *throws sub in trash and leaves without paying*

    (Just… wow.)

    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2

    , | Prince Edward Island, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *****. What is the issue you’re calling about?”

    Customer: “I can’t get wi-fi on my phone!!!”

    Me: “Okay, what does the phone say when you try to connect?”

    Customer: “It asks me for a password, but I don’t know the password!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s the password you set when you first got your router.”

    Customer: “Router? What the heck is a router?”

    Me: “It’s the little box you have connected to your internet to enable wi-fi.”

    Customer: “Why the heck would I have internet? I don’t even own a computer!”

    Me: *sigh*

    Related:
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

    Stuck On Fast Forward

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Hi there, how are you today?”

    Customer: “A medium popcorn.”


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