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    Because 8 Bajillion Signs Are Always The Answer

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (A lady calls our travel office regarding a certain theme park in central Florida.)

    Caller: “Do you allow sex offenders into your theme parks?”

    Me: “Well, as hundreds of thousands of people enter our parks each day, we’re not able to ID each person and check their criminal history.”

    Caller: “So you encourage sex offenders to come to a place filled with little children?”

    Me: “No…”

    Caller: “Do you have signs saying ‘No Sex Offenders’?”

    Me: “Um, no. But as part of a sex offender’s parole or probation, they’re not allowed within a certain number of feet of children, so that would be law enforcement’s responsibility.”

    Caller: “I’m appalled that you encourage sex offenders to come to your park. I’m going elsewhere!”

    If At First You Don’t Succeed, Ask, Ask Again

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I’d just finished helping a customer pick out everything she needs to start oil painting.)

    Customer: “Do you sell drop cloths?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no. We don’t even sell anything like that.”

    Customer: “Well, what about tarps?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t sell those, either.”

    Customer: “Do you have any plastic sheeting I could lay on my floor, in case my oil paint drips?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What about vinyl sheeting?”

    Me: “With all due respect, I answered your question the first time you asked it. It doesn’t matter how many times you reword your question, we simply don’t have what you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “Well, do you have anything similar?”

    Me: “…”

    Thank God They Took Away His Whip

    | Ottawa, Canada |

    (This happened the day before Canadian Thanksgiving…)

    Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting fifteen minutes in line!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it’s a busy day today with the last minute shopping!”

    Customer: “Well, you should have all the lanes open! Why isn’t that lane open?”

    Me: “I assume she’s on her break at the moment…”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t GET breaks when it’s busy!”

    Not Always Right On So Many Levels

    | Ocala, FL, USA |

    (A disabled customer on crutches starts screaming racist epithets at her cashier.)

    Disabled customer: “You g**d*** n*****! You b****! How could you do that to me?! This is discrimination!”

    Cashier: *totally shocked*

    (I walk over right away. Keep in mind, I’m white.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry you’re upset, but could you please watch your language? There are children here. Now, I’d be ha–”

    Disabled customer: “Y’all hate people with disabilities! F*** the children! And f*** you, you n*****! I’m calling corporate!”

    Me: “If that’s what you want to do, ma’am, I can’t stop you.”

    Disabled customer: “D*** right you can’t, you black b****!”

    (She suddenly throws down her “crutches” and very easily walks out of the store.)

    Another customer, to me: “Wait, did she just call you black?”

    (She did end up calling corporate office, but it was dismissed because she kept calling the operator a sand monkey and saying that she was going to burn in h*** for stealing white people’s jobs.)

    (To do this day, whenever we get bored we play with her crutches in the back stock room.)

    The Baby Steps Diet

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [coffee shop]. How can I help you?”

    Regular customer: “Hey buddy!”

    Me: “How are ya today? The usual?”

    Regular customer: “Nope, I cut back on my sugar. I no longer take eight.”

    Me: “Oh. What can I get you, then?”

    Regular customer: “I’ll get a large with seven and three quarters sugar.”

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