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    Time To Find Another Hobby

    | Yorkshire, UK |

    (A customer was trying on a shorty wetsuit.)

    Customer: “It seems to fit okay, but the zip is a little high. It would irritate under my chin.”

    Me: “Yes. I can see what you mean, but if you put the suit on the right way round, you won’t have that problem.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me, to co-worker: “Remind me to never dive with that guy.”

    For The Love Of God, Get GPS

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Geography, Top

    Customer: “Hi. I’m coming from the intersection at *** and ***. How would I get to your store from here?”

    (I give the guy directions. I can tell he’s tuned me out after the first street or two. He then cuts me off before I finish.)

    Customer: “Good, good! I got it. Thanks!” *hangs up*

    (The phone rings again five minutes later.)

    Customer: “Hi! I just called you a few minutes ago, asking for directions.”

    Me: “I remember.”

    Customer: “Yeah… I took that turn on *** like you said. Then I got lost again. I’m at *** and *** now.”

    Me: “Okay…” *gives him directions again*

    Customer: “Okay! I got it this time. Thanks!” *hangs up*

    (Phone rings again five minutes later.)

    Me: “Hi again. Where are you now?”

    Customer: *laughs* “I’m at *** and ***.”

    Me: “Okay. You’re almost here. Turn on *** and go straight until you see a gas station. We’re in the strip mall a little after it.”

    Customer: “Okay!” *hangs up*

    (Phone rings again five minutes later.)

    Customer: “It’s me again! I’m at the gas station. I don’t see your store.”

    Me: “We’re in the strip mall after the gas station, it’s down the road a little bit.”

    Customer: “Oh! I see it. Okay, I’ll be right there.” *hangs up*

    (Phone rings again five minutes later.)

    Customer: “I’m in the strip mall now… and I don’t see your store. I’m gonna feel SO stupid if I’m in the wrong strip mall.”

    Me: “At this point, I’m not even sure you’re in the right state.”

    Customer: *laughs*

    Me: “Okay. Do you see a donut shop?”

    Customer: “Yes! I see a donut shop!”

    Me: “Good. Drive to the donut shop. Now, do you see a cell phone store?”

    Customer: “Yes! It’s next to the donut shop.”

    Me: “Good. Drive to the cell phone shop. Now drive a little past that. Do you see the girl in the next store who’s on the phone and waving at you?”

    Customer: “Yeah! Is that you?”

    Me: “Yeah. Come on in…”

    He Just Talks Really Loudly

    , | Sydney, Australia |

    (A guy comes into our store and slaps a 56k dial-up modem down on the counter.)

    Guy: “I want to return this. I bought it a year ago and it’s broken.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you don’t have the box, the power supply, the driver CD or the receipt. I can’t let you return it.”

    Guy: “You will give me my money back, right now!”

    Me: “No, I can’t do that. You need to keep the receipt for warranty claims. I have no proof you even bought that from us.”

    (The conversation escalates and gets more and more heated until finally…)

    Guy: “If you don’t give me back my money, I’ll be waiting for you in the car park after work and I’ll f*** you up, you hear me?! I’LL BREAK YOUR F***ING FACE YOU LITTLE S***!”

    Me: “Are you threatening me?”

    Guy: “No!”

    Photoshop Will Solve Everything

    | Tacoma, WA, USA |

    (As a graphic designer with a background in photography, I coordinate the shoots for cover homes.)

    Me: “Just send me the address of the home and I will look it up and work with the photographer on the shoot.”

    Salesperson: “It’s a million dollar home. Very, very nice. The listing agent wants to be there; he want’s a nice sunny shot. It’s a million dollar home and I really want to make him happy.”

    Me: “That’s great… just send me the address.”

    (I find that the house faces north-northeast, which means the sun will never hit the front of the house directly.)

    Me: “Okay, we’ve got a problem. I know the listing agent wants to be at the shoot and he wants a sunny shot, but we can’t do that because it faces north. We’re going to have to have to do a night shot or an early shot and hope the dawn light hits it.”

    Salesperson: “But it’s a million dollar home.”

    Me: “I know, it’s a really nice home. It’s vacant, so we can’t do an interior. I’ll talk to the photographer, but I’m sure he’ll agree that a night shot will be our best bet or the home will be backlit and not look good at all.”

    Salesperson: “This is a million dollar mansion!”

    Me: “I know. But unless you or the listing agent can move the sun, it will be at night or just after sunrise. I’m sure the he wants the mansion to look good.”

    (The salesperson calls my boss to undoubtedly tell her I am being impossible, and I shouldn’t dictate to our customers. Sadly, my boss couldn’t move the sun either, and a very lovely night shot ran on the cover.)

    Tellin’ It Like It Is

    | Bradenton, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello! Welcome to [restaurant].”

    (I begin pouring water, as is customary at any restaurant.)

    Woman: “We didn’t ASK for water.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Should I bring you something else?”

    Woman: *sighs* “No! No! No! Fine! We’ll take the darn water.”

    (I proceed to bring her the food, and she complains incessantly about everything she can think of until finally her entree comes out.)

    Woman: “This isn’t what I ordered.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is what you ordered. I can show you the bill… it’s clearly written that this is what you ordered.”

    Woman: “No it’s not! I DID NOT ORDER THIS!”

    Me: “You did now…”

    Woman, to husband: “Come on, let’s leave!”

    Husband: “Why? Because you’re being a pain?”

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