November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Not Seeing The Forest For The Greasy Trees

| Birmingham, AL, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(I’m working the concession stand, and a customer has just ordered a jumbo popcorn.)

Customer: “Is that real butter in the squirty thing?”

Me: “It’s vegetable oil with artificial butter flavoring.”

Customer: “Okay, gimme some of that.”

Me: *squirting some butter* “There you go. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “Little more, please?”

Me: *squirt* “How’s that?”

Customer: “Keep going. I’ll say when.”

(I keep squirting until there’s about two inches of yellow oil in the bottom of the tub. The popcorn is starting to float out the top.)

Customer: “Okay, that’s good.”

Me: “Alright, then. Is there anything else you’d like today?”

Customer: “Lemme have a Diet Coke. A small one. I’m trying to watch my weight.”

Not Seeing Or Believing

| Wichita, KS, USA | Uncategorized

Customer:  “Something’s wrong with my vision.  I’m not seeing well at all.”

Me: “Did this happen suddenly, or gradually?”

Customer:  “When I woke up this morning, everything is blurry!”

(I look up her file, and see that she had had an exam and purchased glasses in the previous month.)

Me:  “So, even with your new glasses, everything is blurry?”

Customer:  “Well, no.  It’s fine with my glasses on.  But I have worn them for a whole month!  Shouldn’t my eyes be better by now?”

Me:  “Ma’am, the glasses make your vision better, but only if you are wearing them.”

Customer: “What kind of a quack doctor do you have there? Thanks for nothing!”

Unintended Entendres

| Shenzhen, China | Uncategorized

(I have just completed a firewall and Internet circuit install for an international customer. His English is far better than my Cantonese, but slang expressions didn’t always translate.)

Customer: “Thank you! You know, we were worried about having a female engineer, but now I see that they are better.”

Me: “Well, thank you, sir. I’m glad your Internet is up and running. We always try to do a good job.”

Customer: “You even cleaned the server room! Men never clean the server room. It looks very nice!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I don’t think I have ever seen such a nice rack! Thank you!”

The Twilight Of Our Literacy

| Exton, PA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m going on a 25 hour plane ride, and I was just trying to find something to read.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of books do you read?”

Customer: “Young adult stuff, like romance stuff.  OH!  Or something with vampires.”

(I walk her over to the young adult section.  And show her a series with vampires. There are six books in the series and each book is quite small–not even 200 pages.)

Me: “Well, you might like this series. They’re easy books to read, but really good. I’ve read them.”

Customer: *flips through book* “It seems boring.”

Me: “Oh. Well, I can assure you it’s not.  They are quite action-packed.”

Customer: “I mean it looks wordy. Like, there’s a lot of words in it.”

Me: “Well, yeah…most books have words in them.”

Customer: “Hmm…I’ll think about it.”

(She ended up buying 3 teen magazines.)

A Hole In His Logic, Among Other Things

| Columbus, OH, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “The Swiss cheese I bought last week didn’t have any holes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Sometimes when we get to the end of a block of cheese, there aren’t many holes in it.”

Customer: “Well, can I get my money back?”

Me: “Did you bring the cheese back?”

Customer: “No. I ate it.”

Me: “Did it taste okay?”

Customer: “Yes, it tasted fine.”

Me: “I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.”


Me: “Let me get my manager…”