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    John Paul The Third (Time’s A Charm)

    | Dublin, Ireland | Funny Names, Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi, Paul speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Who?”

    Me: “Paul.”

    Customer: “John?”

    Me: “No, Paul.”

    Customer: “John?”

    Me: “No, Paul. P-A-U-L.”

    Customer: “That’s not how you spell John!”

    Reaching New (Faren)Heights Of Stupidity

    | Manila, Philippines | Math & Science, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I overhear a tourist couple at breakfast one table over.)

    Customer: “Every day! This coffee is never hot enough.”

    Customer’s husband: “You’re just gonna have to get used to that. In these countries that use the Celsius scale, they boil their water at only 100 degrees.”

    Can’t Keep A Good Waitress Down

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Top

    (I am working as a bartender at a restaurant. The waitress has added a 15% gratuity because the party has been large and difficult to deal with.)

    Customer: “Miss? What’s this ‘gravity’ crap?! I ain’t paying for no ‘gravity!'”

    Waitress: *without missing a beat* “Ma’am, that’s what holds the food to your plate.”

    Customer: “Oh, alright then.” *pays the check*

    H2-Woah

    | Sydney, Australia | Money, Movies & TV, Uncategorized

    (At the cinema the water is really expensive, the bottle we sell costs $5.10 but anywhere else it would be $2.)

    Me: “Hi what can I get you?”

    Customer: “I’ll just grab a water thanks.”

    Me: “Sure, that’ll be $5.10.”

    Customer: *shocked* “$5.10!?”

    Me: “Yeah, sorry, just our prices.”

    Customer: “But it’s water. You know that s*** comes from the sky right?”

    So Pho, So Crazy

    | London, UK | At The Checkout, Bigotry, History, Language & Words, Top

    (I am working the tills at a supermarket. I am of Vietnamese descent but was born in London. An older gentleman comes through my till.)

    Customer: *practically shouting* “Ni-Hao!”

    Me: “Hello to you to sir, but that’s Chinese. I am actually Vietnamese.”

    (I point to my name tag which in our shop goes by family name instead of first name. Mine is the very common ‘Nguyen’.)

    Customer: “Don’t lie!”

    Me: “I assure you sure I am Vietnamese.”

    Customer: “There aren’t any Vietnamese people left!”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the Americans killed them all back in the seventies or something.”

    Me: “I think you may have your history confused. I assure you there is still a Vietnam and it is full of Vietnamese people.”

    Customer: “Well I don’t know how you managed to escape but I wouldn’t say it so loudly. There might be Americans around looking for survivors.”

    Me: *as I ring up his last item* “Probably a good idea. That will be £10.34 please.”

    Customer: *as he pays* “Wouldn’t want a young lad like you getting caught!”

    (The customer heads towards the exit, but unfortunately notices the security guard who also happens to be my brother. He is 6ft tall and a body-builder and I dread what might happen.)

    Customer: “Ni-Hao!”

    Brother: “Actually I’m Vietnamese.”

    Customer: “Another one?! But the Americans wiped you all out!”

    Brother: *standing to full height* “I think you might want to just keep on walking.”

    Customer: “How dare you talk to me like that?! I’m going to call the Americans, and then they’ll come down here and shoot you!”

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