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    I Just Called To Say I Hate You

    | Hammond, LA, USA |

    (This conversation happened a week after Hurricane Katrina; the store was understaffed, we had more customers than we could handle, and prescriptions were taking 4-6 days to get filled. I also had a long line at the front of the store and was the only cashier up front.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “I just want to let you know how angry I am right now.”

    Me: “Well, what is the problem, ma’am? ”

    Customer: “I brought a prescription in four days ago and it still isn’t ready.”

    Me: “Ok, well hold on while I transfer your call to our pharmacy.”

    Customer: “No! I already spoke with them and they said there was nothing they could do right now.”

    Me: “Alright ma’am, well I can transfer you to one of my managers.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to talk to them, I just want to let y’all know how angry I am right now.”

    Me: “Look, I understand, would you like me to transfer you to a manager or the pharmacy?”

    Customer: “I already told you no! I just want to let you know how mad I am right now and that I will not be shopping in your store again.”

    Me: “Look lady, they pay me $6.00 an hour. I honestly don’t care, but I will be more than happy to transfer you to someone who might! I am the only cashier and have a very long line, I don’t have time for this!”

    Customer: “I just called to tell you–”

    Me: *click*

    Carrie 3: Disaster In The Deli

    , | Choctaw, OK, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant], what can I get get you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, which of these sandwiches are five dollars?”

    Me: “Just these eight behind me.”

    (I point to a very large sign that has a giant “5″ on it and a list of our five dollar footlong subs.)

    Customer: “Oh, okay…”

    (She gives me the order of three subs and I make them.)

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $20.47.”

    Customer: “What?! Why the h*** are they that expensive? You said that they were five dollars!!”

    (By this time all the yelling she’s doing has turned her face blood red: this is important for later in the story.)

    Me: “Well yes, those eight over there. All three of the ones you ordered are not.”

    Customer: “That’s not true! I got them off the board you told me about!”

    (She points at the board NEXT to the one I talked about which lists our six inch subs.)

    Me: “No, ma’am, that’s our six inch board. The one next to it with the GIANT FIVE on it are the five dollar subs.”

    Customer: “Well, aren’t you a f***ing carnival weasel! You said those were five dollars!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding–wait, did you just call me a carnival weasel?”

    Customer: “YOU HEARD ME, CAAARNIVAAL WEEASELLLL!”

    Me: “Alright. Well, ma’am, I’m getting a line here so would you just like me to remake your sandwiches so we can move?”

    Customer: “F*** YOU!”

    (She suddenly gets a massive nose bleed which gets all over the counter and the floor. As she storms out cursing and bleeding, the customers applaud and even help me clean it up before ordering. )

    Coworker: “She called you a carnival weasel!”

    Me: “Yeeeaah. Well, have fun with that…”

    (I still see that lady every now and then come up to the door, see me, turn around and leave.)

    Weight Watchers Rejects

    | Midland, MI, USA |

    (A customer orders a sundae in a small banana boat. It’s two mounds of ice cream with hot fudge, pecans, whip cream, and a cherry.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like the hot fudge pecan royale. Can you make it with twist ice cream?”

    Me: “Yes. ”

    Customer: “That comes with whip cream, right?”

    Me: “Yes it does.”

    Customer: “Good. I don’t want a cherry though, they’re fattening.”

    Me: “…”

    Related:
    Phrase Of The Day: Obesity Epidemic

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 4

    | Princeton, NJ, USA |

    (As I’m ringing this woman’s vitamins up, I notice that she’s staring at my stomach. I pause and look up at her.)

    Customer: “When’s the baby coming?”

    Me: “What baby?”

    Customer: “Are you expecting?”

    Me: “Um, no. I’m not pregnant.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m so sorry! I just asked because I used to be chubby like you when I was your age.”

    Me: “Um… what?”

    Customer: “Well, I was gonna say, you’re too young to be pregnant!”

    Me: “I think you’d better quit while you’re ahead.”

    Related:
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 3
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 2
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    Jesus, The Only MasterCard You’ll Ever Need

    | Florida, USA | Top

    Me: “Thanks for calling Credit Card Services, how may I help you today?”

    Card member: “Yeah, I was just looking over my statement and see I was charged a late fee. Why?”

    Me: “Well, when we receive a payment past the due date, a late fee is normally assessed to the account. Do you have any idea why we received the payment late?”

    Card member: “I was on vacation and didn’t send it in until the 12th.”

    Me: “Well, the payment was¬†due on the 8th and there is usually at least seven days between customers sending in their payment until we can receive and process them.”

    Card member: “Well, can you waive that fee for me?”

    Me: ¬†”Unfortunately, since the fee was billed appropriately, there isn’t any way that it can be removed.”

    Card member: “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”

    Me: “How is that in any way relevant to this conversation?”

    Card member: “Jesus would waive my fee!”

    Me: “Jesus wouldn’t own a bank.”

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