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    Please, No More

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Zoo visitor: *points to cage* “Ain’t that one of them brown ree-cluse spiders?”

    Me: “No, sir, that’s a local spider called a fishing spider. Brown recluses are much much smaller and–”

    Zoo visitor: “Yeah it is. That there’s a brown ree-cluse spider. I had one in my basement; exterminator told me it was a brown ree-cluse.”

    Me: “Brown recluses really don’t get this far east. Plus they’re much much smaller.”

    Zoo visitor: “HONEY! Come over here a sec. Ain’t this one of them ree-cluse spiders?”

    Zoo visitor’s wife: “Yep! Just like that one from the basement.”

    Zoo visitor: “Honey, tell ‘em what we did with that spider that night when we was makin’ love!”

    (I did not stay to hear the rest. I was too terrified.)

    Related:
    TMI Redux
    Way Too Much Information
    TMI (Too Much Information)

    Why Everything Seems To Take Forever

    | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    Library patron: “I need to get on a computer.”

    Me: “I’m sorry… as the sign on the sign-up computer says, the entire computer system is down.”

    Library patron:“Oh, I just need to check my email.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s everything.”

    Library patron: “Well, could you look up a book for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I guess I’m not clear. The ENTIRE system is down. We can’t do anything that involves the internet and that includes printing things out. We even use VOIP phones so we can’t call out.”

    Library patron: “Oh. Well, just look up what I have checked out right now, and tell me when it’s due.”

    Me: “I can’t do that, either.”

    Library patron: “Can you check my email for me?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We use the same system.”

    Library patron: “But, I saw you typing!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m working on a report on the word processor. This is something that doesn’t use the Internet.”

    Library patron: “Well, when will the computers be fixed?”

    Me: “We don’t know.”

    Library patron: “Why?”

    Me: “Because it’s broken. If we knew what was wrong, we’d be fixing it.”

    Library patron: “Does this happen often?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Library patron: “So you are saying it’s just a coincidence that the first time I need to use the computer, the system is down?”

    Me: “Well, yes.”

    Library patron: “Do you actually do anything useful here?”

    Me: “Well, normally I’d be troubleshooting the problem with the system, but for the past 10 minutes, I’ve been having to answer your questions about it.”

    Library patron: *stomps off*

    Basic Subtraction, How I Miss Thee

    | Crown Point, IN, USA |

    Me: “Hi welcome to [ice cream shop], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would like to order that new Thin Mint Blizzard.”

    Me: “Alright, what size?”

    Customer: “Small.”

    Me: “Can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “I don’t want it green.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “It’s green in this picture! I want it white! Whatever you put in there to make it green, I don’t want it.”

    Me: “That would be our mint topping.”

    Customer: “Mint? Ewww! No.”

    Me: “So that’s one Thin MINT Cookie Blizzard with no MINT topping?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Low Expectations, Gotta Love ‘Em

    | Hudson, NH, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, can you ring this stuff up and tell me how much it is?”

    Me: “Uh… yeah. That’s kind of what I do.”

    Customer: “Okay, but can you put it in bags too? I need to bring it home.”

    Me: “… I can do that too.”

    Exorcisms Not Included

    , | Rochester, NY, USA |

    (I was a cashier at a popular toy store chain when a woman came up to the register with an opened Ouija board.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this, please.”

    Me: “Is there anything in particular that’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “Well, no, it works. I’m returning it because it let evil spirits into my house!”

    Me: *laughs*

    Customer: “Why are you laughing? This game let spirits into my house, and I demand a refund!”

    Me: “Uh, oh, alright then.” *I process the return*

    Customer, on the way out: “You really shouldn’t be selling satanic toys like this. What if a demon had come through and possessed one of my children?”

    Me: “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll definitely pass that on to management.”

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