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  • The Effect Of High Tide On Man-In-The-Moon Bowlers

    | California, USA |

    (Note: We are 2 blocks away from the beach.)

    Customer: “Your lanes are crooked.”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you they are not crooked; we have lane inspectors that come in every 8 weeks and check for that kind of thing.”

    Customer: “No! MY LANE IS CROOKED! Every time I bowl, the ball goes to the right!”

    Me: *glancing at the clock* “Well, you know, it’s about 1:30. The tide is coming in.”

    Customer: “That has an effect on it?”

    Me: “Oh yeah, I mean, we’re only a few blocks from the beach…”

    Customer: “Huh… well, I guess I’ll try to bowl more towards the left, then…”

    Around The World…Eventually

    | Santa Cruz, CA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I need directions.”

    Me: “Ok, where are you right now?”

    Caller: “Highway One.”

    Me: “Are you heading north or south?”

    Caller: “South.”

    Me: “Ok, so after the highway turns away from the ocean…”

    Caller: “Oh, I’m nowhere near the ocean.”

    Me: “Wait, you’re heading south, right?”

    Caller: “Yes, that’s what I just said!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what city are you in?”

    Caller: *names a city that’s about 30 miles south of where our place is*

    Me: “Oh, that’s actually south of us.”

    Caller: “I know that! Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron. I’m south of where you are, so I can only take the highway South to get to you!”

    Me: “Well then, we’ll see you here once you’ve circumnavigated the globe!”

    The Produce Section Is Too Deep To Ford

    | Edmonton, Canada |

    (I was a customer observing this exchange.)

    Customer: *picks up an apple and takes a large bite out of it*

    Employee: “Sir, what are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m sampling an apple to make sure it’s not mealy. The last apples I got here were all mealy.”

    Employee: “Er…it’s generally not a very good idea to do that…those aren’t washed.”

    Customer: *sets the apple back down* “YOU DON’T WASH THEM?! Don’t you know you can spread dysentery?!”

    Employee: “They’re washed before they come in here, but we can’t wash them on the shelf. And sir, you have to pay for that.”

    Customer: “F*** that! I’m not paying for something that’ll give me dysentery!”

    Employee: “We can’t sell an apple that has a HUGE BITE taken out of it!”

    Customer: *stomps off*

    Customer #2: *observing nearby “Someone should tell him, ‘You have died of dysentery.’”

    The Final Step Is Acceptance

    | Oslo, Norway |

    (I work as a phone support technician for a large software company. Once a month one of our mentors listen to our calls, to ensure that we follow protocol. I was being listened to one day a few weeks ago.)

    Me: “Welcome to Tech Support, you’re talking to ****”

    Customer: “Hi, my name is ****, and I work at **** bank. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!”

    Me: “Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay…it says: ‘Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight savings time.’ What do I do?!”

    Me: “Er…is there a button that says ‘OK’?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you tell me what happens when you click the ‘OK’ button?”

    Customer: “Oh, thank you very much! You’re a life saver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!” *hangs up*

    Me: “…you’re welcome?”

    Mentor: *after listening in* “You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank… the same person I entrust my life savings to.”

    It Will Return Soon Enough

    , | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I ordered some food and I need a refund.”

    Me: “Of course – can you please explain what the matter with your food was?”

    Customer: “Well, I drove it home and put it on the counter. My husband asked me to help him rake up some leaves. When I got back in, the dog had gotten up on the counter and eaten everything.”

    Me: “You want me to replace the food your dog ate?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “…”

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