• A Pain In The Nugget
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    Immeasurable Confusion

    | Santa Monica, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi, [pizza place].”

    Customer: “Hi, it says you have a nine inch small pizza. How big is that?”

    Me: “Nine inches, six slices.”

    Customer: “But how big is it?”

    Me: “The diameter of the pizza is approximately nine inches. There are six slices.”

    Customer: “Like, ok, but you already told me that. How big is it?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what other metric to use. The pie is slightly smaller across than a third of a meter.”

    Customer: *brief pause* “Okay, what size is the medium?”

    Me: “Twelve inches, six slices.”

    Customer: *another brief pause* “The small has six too. So they’re the same size?!”

    Spiritual, Not Psychic

    | Florida, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I would like help finding a book.”

    Me: “Sure, what’s the title?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t know.”

    Me: “Okay, who is the author?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Okay, can you tell me the subject and maybe we can still find it.”

    Customer: “It’s for a friend. It’s about spiritual something.”

    (I search ‘spiritual’ just to see what happens.)

    Me: “Okay, my computer is showing over 6,000 results. Is there anyway we can narrow the search?”

    Customer: “Isn’t that your job?”

    Daddy’s Little (Working) Girl

    | Texas, USA | Uncategorized

    Caller: “Are you hiring right now?”

    Me: “Yes sir, we are hiring for the infant room.”

    Caller: “Oh, that won’t work. My daughter is 6.”

    Me: “Are you wanting to bring your daughter to our daycare facility?”

    Caller: “Yes. How much do you pay?”

    Me: “Well, I’m not at liberty to discuss what the employees get paid. But, for your daughter’s age, we charge $95 a week.”

    Caller: “So, she will get paid $95 a week?”

    Me: “No, sir. That is what we charge for you to bring your daughter here for the employees to look after, teach, and have play time.”

    Caller: “So she can’t get a job here? She won’t be making any money? F*** it. I’ll call someone else who will give her a job.”

    To Have And To Hold On To The Remote

    | Glasgow, Scotland, UK | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I bought a TV from you last week, and one of my friends told me I need a universal remote control for it.”

    Me: “Right. Was it a TV off display?”

    Customer: “No, a new one in a box.”

    Me: “Did you not get one in the box?”

    Customer: “Yes, but the wife has that! If she’s sitting on one couch and I’m on the other couch and I want to change the channel, what is she supposed to do, throw it to me?”

    Me: “You could ask her to change the channel for you.”

    Customer: *chuckles* “That’s not how marriage works son. I’ll just buy this one.”

    Me: “Right, but if you both have a remote then you’ll keep changing the channel on each other and never see a full programme.”

    Customer: *chuckles again* “Oh son, one day you’ll learn how the world works.”

    No Shirt, No Brains, No Service

    | Waterloo, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

    (Although I normally work nights, I’m taking another drive-thru shift for a friend.)

    Me: “Welcome to [coffee shop]. May I take your order, please?”

    Customer: “Chicken wrap guy.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Chicken wrap guy.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not the girl that normally works drive-thru. We switched shifts.”

    Customer: “So you don’t know my order then?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but I don’t. What would you like?”

    Customer: “Crap. Now I have to remember what I eat!”

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