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    As Long As It Tastes Like Chicken

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Lady: “I’d like a half pound of ham.”

    (I slice the ham, wrap it, and hand it over.)

    Me: “Here you go, ma’am.”

    (She opens up the package, sniffs the ham and makes a face).

    Me: “Is there something wrong with the ham?”

    Lady: “Yes. It smells very hammy.”

    Me: “Am I to understand that you’re complaining that our ham smells like ham?”

    Lady: *walks away in a huff*

    Smile, You’re On Candid Camera

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Customer: “What do you have to eat here?”

    Me: “Whatever you see in the pastry case is to eat; we mainly serve drinks.”

    Customer: “What’s that up there? ”

    (He points to one of the boards behind me and I turn around to see what he’s pointing at. I hear a rustling noise; when I turn back around all the money in my tip cup is gone.)

    Me: “Sir? Could you do me a favor?”

    Customer: “Uh… what?”

    Me: “Look up.”

    Customer: *looks up*

    Me: “Okay, wave!”

    (I start waving at him and, completely confused, he starts to wave back.)

    Me: “Sir, that’s a camera up there.”

    Customer: “Uh… and?”

    Me: “You better put the money back.”

    Customer: “What money?”

    Me: “You know very well what money. Now, put it back and leave.”

    (He puts the money back and pouts the entire way out the doors.)

    Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death

    | Livonia, MI, USA |

    Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

    Hospital patient: “Coffee.”

    Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a Cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.

    Hospital patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t give it to you.”

    Hospital patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

    Me: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

    Hospital patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

    Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”

    Hospital patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

    Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

    Hospital patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

    Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

    Hospital patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

    Must Be One Of Them Radioactive Horses

    | Spokane, WA, USA |

    Child: “I like this ride. I like horses but these ones aren’t real.”

    Me: “Yup! Real ones are much bigger, probably twice as big as these horses.”

    Child: “I rode one once!”

    Me: “Really? That’s cool.”

    Child: “Yeah. Real horses have eight legs.”

    Me: “Oh. That’s… cool.”

    Leave The Jingles At Home, Please

    , | Connecticut, USA |

    Customer: *singing and dancing* “FIVE! FIVE DOLLAR! FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LONG!”

    Me: “For that, I am charging you double.”

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