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    Step 35c: Ask Customer To Reboot Dumbo

    | Arkansas, USA |

    Customer: “Hey, all the computers in the store are down.”

    Me: “Yep, I can’t ping your servers or anything. Are you in the computer room?”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “What’s on your console?”

    Customer: “Hang on, let me get a flash light.”

    Me: “A flashlight? Why do you need a flash light?”

    Customer: “We’re in the middle of a power outage.”

    Me: “Umm… sir, the computers won’t work without power.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? They fixed it last time.”

    Me: “Pretty sure… I’ve been doing this a while. How did you lose power?”

    Customer: “An elephant stepped on the transformer.”

    Me: “An… elephant?”

    Customer: “We’re having a parking lot carnival, and an elephant got away from the handler.”

    Me: “Ah yes, I should have known… those pesky elephants always causing us these problems.”

    Customer: “What? Really?”

    Me: “Yeah… call us back when you get your power restored.”

    And The Problem Solves Itself

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling. May I please verify your address and phone number?”

    (The caller rattles off an address, including the apartment number.)

    Caller: “… that’s why I’m calling. What’s this about a ‘dog’ in my address?”

    (I notice her address has the words “DASIN DOG”.)

    Me: ¬†”I’m sorry, ma’am. I have no explanation for that. I can certainly remove it.¬†Also, we don’t seem to have your apartment number. Would you mind repeating that for me?”

    Caller: “D!¬†D as in Dog!”

    Iraq, Land Of Crappy Return Policies

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I wanted to return this set of knives and your cashier wouldn’t let me.”

    Me: “When was the original date of purchase, ma’am?”

    (She hands me a receipt.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Since you bought these over 60 days ago, we won’t be able to refund your money.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want them anymore. Just take them back and give me my money.”

    Me: “I’m not able to do that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want the g**d*** knives! Take them!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is not in my power to do a return for you.”

    Customer: “Well, then get someone who can, g**d*** it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you don’t understand. After 60 days, the system locks out the transaction. It is in nobody’s power to refund you.”

    Customer: “You g**d*** incompetent pieces of s***! I don’t want these f***ing knives, and I want you to take them back now!”

    Me: “There is nothing I can do to help you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It’s because of f***ing fascists like you that we’re at war in Iraq! Do you realize that? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

    Basic Subtraction, Part 2

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, can I have a small pork fried rice, please? Without pork.”

    Me: “A small pork fried rice, without pork?”

    Customer: “Yes… can you add some chicken to that?”

    Me: “Um, so you want a small chicken fried rice?”

    Customer: “No. I want a small pork fried rice, no pork, with chicken.”

    Me: “Sure… anything else?”

    Customer: “Yes, I also need a small chicken and broccoli.”

    Me: “Sure, is that all?”

    Customer: “Yes…” *pauses* “Oh… and no broccoli in the chicken and broccoli!”

    Related:
    Basic Subtraction, How I Miss Thee

    Just Throw It In The Cockpit

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Elderly passenger: “Can you take my bag from the overhead bin and put it in the row?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you’re in the exit row. It must remain clear.”

    Elderly passenger: “Well, how about up front by the door?”

    Me: “No, that must remain clear as well.”

    Elderly passenger: “Just put it in the aisle, then.”

    Me: “…”

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