October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

A Real Oxymoron

| New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m putting a sale sign above a cooler containing shrimp when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Jumbo shrimp? That’s funny.”

Me: “Yeah it’s kind of an oxymoron, huh?”

Customer: “What the h*** did you just call me?”

Me: “An oxymoron is an English term, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t care if it’s a French term! Nobody insults me and gets away with it!”

(The customer suddenly grabs me and puts me into a tackle. He held me in it for a good 30 seconds before coworkers arrived to help!)

Mentally Pre(Car)ious

| Palm Beach, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “My boyfriend dumped me and took his car back, so I want to get a car.”

Me: “Are you looking for financial assistance with a down payment?”

Caller: “No, I want a car. My friend told me that you people get donated cars and you give them to people who need them. I need one.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am afraid that’s not the case. We don’t have any sort of car or transportation programs at our agency.”

Caller: “Are you calling my friend a liar?”

Me: “No, I am simply stating a fact. Our agency does not, nor have we ever had a program where we gave out cars.”

Caller: “This is ridiculous! Then what exactly is it that you DO do?”

Me: “We provide psychological counseling and community referrals. I could refer you to another agency that might be able to help you get a car.”

Caller: “I don’t need counseling! I NEED A FREE CAR! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Customers This Dumb Are Rare

| Seattle, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, miss. Could you help me out here?”

Me: “Sure, ma’am. Did you need anything else?”

Customer: “No, it’s just that I really don’t like my sushi at all.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s one of our most popular items on the menu. Would you mind telling me what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “There’s raw fish in it.”

All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2

| Lexington, KY, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I need to return these flowers. They died.”

Me: “This appears to be a bag of soil.”

Customer: “Well, I pulled them up a week ago, I guess they fell apart.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll just need your original receipt.”

Customer: “I don’t have a receipt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but to return plants I’ll need a receipt.”

Customer: “Your signs say that you have a one-year guarantee!”

Me: “Yes, we do, but you have to keep your receipt because the price of plants changes so often.”

Customer: “I’d like to speak the a manager.”

(I call the manager of the garden center inside, and he tells the customer the exact same thing I did.)

Customer: “Well, you should really post it somewhere that you have to keep your receipt.”

Me: “It is posted in the–”

Customer: “Where? Somewhere no one can find, I bet!”

Me: “Actually, it’s posted in the garden center immediately outside the doors. It’s to the right.”

Customer: “In tiny letters, right!?”

Me: “No, the sign is about 6 feet tall. It’s also printed on the back of every receipt. I’m sorry if you missed it.”

Customer: “Well, I doubt anyone can find it. I’m shopping at [competitor] from now on!” *starts to walk away*

Me: “Sir, you left your plants.”

Customer: “I don’t need a bag of dirt!”

(The customer tries to exit through the entrance doors. They don’t open automatically from the inside.)

Me: “Sir, those doors don’t open from this side.”

Customer: “Well, they shouldn’t say ‘EXIT’ on them, then, should they?”

Me: “The door actually says ‘NO EXIT’.”

Customer: “Hmph!”

All Signs Point To Other Signs
All Signs Point To No
All Signs Point To Duh
All Signs Point To Yes

Udderly Stupid

| Alberta, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Yes, ma’am, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, this beef isn’t fresh. Can you take it back and get me fresh beef?”

Me: “Ma’am, the beef we cook is the freshest we can get.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you just kill a cow out back?”

Me: “Um, no we don’t have cows in the back, that’s against the law.”

Customer: “But isn’t this Canada? How can cows be illegal?”

Page 1,939/2,512First...1,9371,9381,9391,9401,941...Last