Odd Quarterly Statement

| Ontario, Canada |

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $*.**.”

Customer: *gives me a twenty* “Don’t give me any quarters!”

Me: “Alright.”

Customer: “I already have all the quarters!”

Me: “Oh, are you collecting coins?”

Customer: “No, but I already have all the quarters! If you give me any quarters, then I’ll know that I don’t have all the quarters! I’ll have to start all over!”

This Thief Is Booked

| Bloomington, IN, USA |

Customer: “Hey, I have an overdue charge on this book. Can I get it removed?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if you kept the book past the due date, then I can’t remove the charge.”

Customer: “Then can I just keep the book?”

Not So Beautiful Mind

| Alberta, Canada |

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book based off a movie. Life is Beautiful, I think?”

Me: “I don’t believe Life is Beautiful” was originally a book. Are you perhaps thinking of A Beautiful Mind?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes that’s the one! Get me that one! It’s the one about World War II. And the guy is burned. And there’s a French Nurse. That’s the book I want!”

Me: “That actually sounds like The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje. I can grab a copy of that for you!”

Customer: “Yes! The English Patient. That sounds right. But Michael Ondaatje, that sounds like a foreign name. No, The English Patient wasn’t written by a foreigner. Do you have a copy that wasn’t written by Ondaatje? I want that story, but I want it written by a Canadian.”

Me: “So you want a copy of The English Patient that is not written by Michael Ondaatje?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s what I want. Do you have any copies of that story written by Margaret Atwood? I do like her.”

Me: “No. I really don’t think we do.”

Customer: “Oh. Do you think any of your other stores might?”

Me: “I doubt it, ma’am.”

Demand A Battery Of Tests ASAP

| Boston, MA, USA |

(A customer comes to pick up a phone they had dropped off for repair.)

Customer: “I’m so glad it is working! What was the problem?”

Me: “It just needed to be charged.”

Customer: “No, it was fully charged Friday and then just died.  There must be something else wrong with it. Please look at it further.”

Me: “Well I did. The battery was at 0%, in fact, you still will need to charge it for quite a while. It is working though.”

Customer: “No, you keep it and keep looking.” *leaves*

(The customer comes back two hours later. A co-worker handles it.)

Customer: “So is it okay?”

Coworker: “Yes, it turns out there was a problem with the phone’s N.R.G. We have corrected it.”

Customer: “So that explains it!”

Studying Post-Grammatic Stress

| Bozeman, MT, USA |

(I work for the university Psychology department where several labs have students participate in experiments. A girl is wandering around the hall looking lost.)

Me: “Excuse me, but you look a little lost. Can I help you find something?”

Volunteer: “Yeah, I signed up to participate in an experiment, but I don’t remember which one or what the requirements were.”

Me: “Alright, that’s fine. We can look you up on one of our computers. Can I have your name?”

Volunteer: “[Name].”

(I go to the office computer and her name, the experiment and the requirements.)

Me: “Alright, well it looks like you’re going to be in the lab down the hall and the only requirement is that you should be a native English speaker.”

Volunteer: “Oh, but I don’t know that language.”

Me: “What language?”

Volunteer: “Native English, I’m not familiar with that language, only regular English. I’ll just go tell them I can’t do it. Thanks!”

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