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    Citizens Of Puooiam, The Customer Is Always Right

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Me: ¬†”… we will pick you up at the Pulliam airport.”

    Customer: ¬†”How do you spell Pulliam?”

    Me: ¬†”P as in Paul, U as Umbrella, L as in Lily–”

    Customer: ¬†”Lily doesn’t start with O. ¬†You meant to say Oscar.”

    Me: ¬†”But the letter is L. As in Lily, Lock, Luke…”

    Customer: ¬†”None of those words start with O.”

    Me: ¬†”You’re right… anyway, it’s spelled it PULLIAM.”

    Customer: ¬†”You mean PUOOIAM.”

    Me: ¬†”Sure…”

    For You, We’re Always Closed

    | Lancaster, PA, USA |

    (The diner I work in is a 24 hour restaurant, and closes only on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, and New Years Eve after 6pm.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [diner]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, what time do you close?”

    Me: “We don’t close until Thanksgiving–we’re 24 hours.”

    Caller: “I don’t care what time you close on Thanksgiving, I want to know when you close TONIGHT.”

    Me: “… 5 pm.”

    Caller: “THANK YOU.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear, Part Two
    Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear

    When They’re Right, They’re Right

    | Richmond, VA, USa |

    (We’re helping a customer inside our gas station. Suddenly, a Camaro peels off out of the parking lot, squealing its tires.)

    Customer: *yells* “Okay! We get it! You have a small penis!”

    Playing Hide And Don’t Seek

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Bookstore customer: “Do you have the CD, Lord Lift Our Voices Up On High, Volume 11?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t have it. We do have Volumes 9 and 10. I can show you where they are.”

    Customer: “No, no, I already have those. I like them. Do you have God Loves America, Volume 12?”

    Me: “Let me check… yes! We have that one. I can show you.”

    Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 11?”

    Me: “Yes. I can show–”

    Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 10?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer:Volume 9?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (This continues until we get to Volume 3.)

    Me: “Would you like to know about Volumes 1 and 2?”

    Customer: “No, I have those. I like them. Have you heard them?”

    Me: “No… so, let me just get these CDs for you.”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    (I’ve been helping her for nearly 20 minutes, and suspect she has mental issues; thankfully, she goes away. Ten minutes later, I hear the same customer speak up loudly behind me.)

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want to go to the doctor tomorrow, but they tell me I have to.”

    Me: “Oh, uh, ehrm… yeah?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Colonoscopy. I don’t want to, but they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from.”

    Me: *whimpers*

    (At this point, I leave the music department and hide between the far right security sensor and a book display just outside it. The store manager walks by and sees me.)

    Manager: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Hiding from a customer who was telling me about her upcoming colonoscopy! She says they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from!”

    Manager: “You can stay.”

    They Grow Up So Fast

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like two tickets for [movie], please.”

    Coworker: “That movie is rated R. Can I see your ID?”

    Customer: *shows an ID that states she is 18*

    Coworker: “You need to be 21 in order to purchase an R-rated ticket for someone else.”

    Customer: “But it’s for my son!”

    Coworker: “How old is your son?”

    Customer: “16…”

    Coworker: “So you’re 18… and you have a 16 year old son?”

    Customer: “That’s right!”

    Coworker: “Let me get my manager…”

    Manager: “Ma’am, you need to be 21 to purchase a ticket for a minor.”

    Customer: “But he’s my son!”

    Manager: “You’re telling me you gave birth when you were two years old?”

    Customer: “YES! It happens, I promise you!”

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