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    Thank God For Grandmothers

    , | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but can you please take a look at this pizza here?”

    Me: “Uh… well, that looks pretty delicious to me.”

    Customer: “It looks very lumpy.”

    Me: “Well, it’s a pizza, and you’ve chosen some pretty lumpy toppings there.”

    Customer: “Well, look here how all the toppings seem to be all on one side.”

    Me: “Is that a problem?”

    Customer: “Yes. It’s uneven.” *stares intently at me*

    Me: “Well sir, my grandmother’s cookies look about like that and they taste absolutely delicious every time she makes them.”

    Customer: *laughs and leaves without further complaining*

    (Phew!)

    Sure, Let Me Get On My Hamster Wheel

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    (This was during a HUGE power outage in New York. The entire city was out of power.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling, my name is Carrie. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My TV is not working.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

    Customer: “It won’t turn on.”

    (I notice that the customer is in New York.)

    Me: “The power is out through your entire city.”

    Customer: “But my TV won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Right, your TV runs on electricity, and won’t work without it.”

    Customer: “I just want to watch TV! Why won’t it turn on?”

    Me: “Can you go to a light switch and see if that works?”

    Customer: “That’s not why I called! I want to watch TV.”

    Me: “Without power, you won’t be able to watch your TV.”

    Customer: “Then fix it!”

    And They Say Time Travel Is Impossible

    | Brookings, OR, USA |

    Customer:¬†”How much longer is your department open today?”

    Me: “Two hours.”

    Customer: “Oh… uhm, you on Mountain Time, then?”

    Me: “No, we’re on Pacific.”

    Customer: “I’m in Mountain time, so in reality, you’re only there another hour.”

    Me: “Sir, seriously, we’re here another two hours regardless of what time zone you’re in.”

    One Last Parting Shot, Part 2

    | Panama City, FL, USA |

    Me: Thank you for calling ***. How may I assist you?

    Customer: “Yes! Finally! There is something wrong with my cellphone.”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I’ll be more than glad to help you with that. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I can’t call out.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it appears that everything is working just fine from both ends. What exactly is happening when you try to call out from your phone?”

    Customer: “Absolutely nothing! Jesus, are you stupid! I already told you that.”

    Me: “Right… let’s try this: turn your phone off and then back on. Maybe you just need to reset it.”

    Customer: *resets phone* “Okay, that’s done… and it’s still not working.”

    Me: “This is very strange. I can’t imagine why it would not be working. Try this for me, dial a number out and let’s see if you get an error message now that the phone has been reset.”

    Customer: “You stupid little b****! THERE IS NO F***ING DIAL TONE!”

    Me: “Erm, excuse me?”

    Customer: “How can I dial a number if I don’t have a dial tone?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the phone you’re using is wireless. It’s not going to have a dial tone.”

    Customer: “You really think I’m that stupid? My last cell phone had a dial tone!”

    Me: “I assure you, it did not.”

    Customer: “Listen to me, I have been around a lot longer than you. I think I know how to work a g**d*** phone! Who the h*** do you think you are?!”

    Me: “Humor me, please! Just dial a number, any number and see what happens when you hit send.”

    Customer: “Whatever!” *presses buttons on phone*

    (She has the phone on speaker, and I can obviously hear that the call has gone through.)

    Customer: “Well… I… the last… F*** YOU!” *click

    Related:
    One Last Parting Shot

    It’s All Downhill From Here

    | London, ON, Canada |

    (I’m making small talk with a customer while waiting for his computer to boot up. This is after talking about the weather in his area. The following takes place without missing a beat.)

    Me: “Yeah, well, I have a friend from Indiana.”

    Customer: “Really? Where did you meet him?”

    Me: “Actually, it’s a her.”

    Customer: “Oh, lucky guy!”

    Me: “I met her through her husband.”

    Customer: “Oh, not so lucky.”

    Me: “He’s my supervisor.”

    Customer: “Ouch.”

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