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    Just Tell ‘em What They Want To Hear, Part Three

    | Santa Claus, IN, USA |

    (I work at an amusement park where they have free unlimited drinks throughout the park, a fact that is posted all over the park.)

    Me: “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, how much are your free soft drinks?”

    Me: “… I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Are you deaf son!? HOW MUCH ARE YOUR FREE SOFT DRINKS!?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir. I couldn’t hear you and thought you said something stupid. The free drinks are $5 each.”

    Customer: “That’s f***ing highway robbery! You people should be ashamed!”

    Me: “Oh, we are…”

    Just Tell ‘em What They Want To Hear
    Just Tell ‘em What They Want To Hear, Part Two

    Adventures In The Third Dimension

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (It’s late at night and a solitary customer pulls up outside and fills her car at the pump. She calmly opens the station’s door and comes inside to pay at the booth, but realizes she left her wallet in the car.)


    Me: “It is unlocked.”

    Customer: “But it says you’re closed!”

    Me: “What does the other side of the sign say?”

    Customer: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “Open, but it says you’re closed!”

    Me: “Why does it say ‘Open’ on the other side of the sign?”

    Customer: “Look, you…” pauses, then blushes bright red* “… oh.”

    Me: “You need some chocolate.”

    Customer: *smiles* “Yes, I do.”

    Childhood Dream, Meet Retail Nightmare

    , | Los Angeles, CA |

    (We often get fashion design students in our store to get samples of fabric for school projects.)

    Student: “Can I get some swatches? I go to the *** fashion school and need them for a class project.”

    Me: “No problem. That’s the school I went to.”

    Student: “Oh, cool! What do you do now?”

    Me: “… I work here.”

    Student: *their dreams crush before my eyes*


    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (On the Saturday night of a weekend-long fan-based media convention, we hold a dance for the attendees. A mother comes up to the security office and voices a complaint.)

    Mother: “The music is too loud and it’s running too late. I want it shut down.”

    Me: “Ma’am, our dance is scheduled until 5:00AM, and we are not disturbing any other events.”

    Mother: “Well, there are kids are in there and if this thing is for kids, then there should not be a dance!”

    Me: “Yes, this convention is an all-ages event, but the dance is one of our most popular events and we have no intention of shutting it down.”

    Mother: “Well, I’m the customer and I’m always right! You should do what I say and shut the dance down! Where is your supervisor? I’ll get him over to shut the dance down.”

    Chairman: “Ma’am, what is the problem?”

    Mother: “I want you to shut the dance down! There are kids here and they should not be in a dance at this time of night! And this man is not helping. Make him shut the dance down!”

    Chairman: “The dance is one of our biggest events. Closing it down would disappoint thousands of our attendees who look forward to it each year.”


    Me: “Ma’am, raising your voice will not help your case. Please calm down.”

    (I figure that there is something else going on, and offer her a seat and a glass of water. She sits down calms down a bit.)

    Me: “Is there something else going on?”

    Mother: “My daughter sneaked out of our hotel room and I know she’s in the dance. I went in there and I couldn’t find her.”

    Me: “Is that all? So you wanted us to shut the entire dance down, just to get your daughter out?”

    Mother: *timidly* “Yes…”

    Me: “Did you actually think that we would do it?”

    Mother: “Yes…”

    Me: “Why?”

    Mother: “Because I always get my way!”

    Step 35c: Ask Customer To Reboot Dumbo

    | Arkansas, USA |

    Customer: “Hey, all the computers in the store are down.”

    Me: “Yep, I can’t ping your servers or anything. Are you in the computer room?”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “What’s on your console?”

    Customer: “Hang on, let me get a flash light.”

    Me: “A flashlight? Why do you need a flash light?”

    Customer: “We’re in the middle of a power outage.”

    Me: “Umm… sir, the computers won’t work without power.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? They fixed it last time.”

    Me: “Pretty sure… I’ve been doing this a while. How did you lose power?”

    Customer: “An elephant stepped on the transformer.”

    Me: “An… elephant?”

    Customer: “We’re having a parking lot carnival, and an elephant got away from the handler.”

    Me: “Ah yes, I should have known… those pesky elephants always causing us these problems.”

    Customer: “What? Really?”

    Me: “Yeah… call us back when you get your power restored.”

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