Somebody’s Not Listening

| Provo, UT, USA | Health & Body, Math & Science, Uncategorized

(I am leaving the small, medical clinic where I work in the laboratory. A couple enter the doors looking lost.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “We’re trying to find the, ‘er-ology’ clinic?”

Me: “Ah urology. That’s on the second floor so if you go up the elevator-”

Man: *interrupting* “Wait, wait! There it is right there!” (He points to a door that says ‘Ear, Nose and Throat’.)

Me: “Well, actually that’s the door for Ear, Nose–”

Man: *interrupting again* “Yeah! Ears. Like Ear-ology!”

Customers Should Stop Causing Ripples

| Athens, GA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, lifeguard?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “I think there’s a…” *whispers* “…sex toy at the bottom of the pool!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “A you know…” *whispers again* “vibrator!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s children’s torpedo toy.”

Customer: “Not a vibrator? Oh darn. I really needed one too.”

Wifi Works Best With A Mouse

| Newark, NJ, USA | Pets & Animals, Technology, Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, I’m interested in this ‘wifi’ you’ve got. I want it in my house.”

Me: “Do you have a cable or DSL connection?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Do you have a device hooked up to a phone line or cable line that gives you internet?”

Customer: “Yes, I do. Can you bring me a wifi?”

Me: “Sure miss, we’ve got our routers all over in this area.”

Customer: “Routers? Won’t that scare the wifi away?”

Takeout The Decision Making Process

| Melbourne, Australia | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(I’m a new waiter and I’m alone during an afternoon shift when a customer calls.)

Customer: “I’m [name]. I’d like to order my usual for takeaway.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m new. Could you tell me what you would like to order?”

Customer: “My usual.”

Me: “I don’t know what that is, sir.”

Customer: “Just tell the kitchen that it’s for [name]. They’ll know what it is.”

Me: “Okay, but just in case they don’t know, could you tell me what your usual is?”

Customer: “Oh, they’ll know, I’m a regular.”

(He hangs up. Fifteen minutes later a man turns up in the restaurant.)

Customer: “I’m [name]. I ordered my usual over the phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, the kitchen staff don’t know what your usual is so they weren’t able to make it.”

Customer: “But I’m a regular! They know who I am.”

Me: “They don’t. They cook whatever we tell them to cook. They never interact with the customers. If you would like to tell me what your usual is I could place your order.”

Customer: “Never mind.”

(Customer leaves. Later, I tell the manager what happened. The manager laughs and says that that particular customer always orders his usual which is whatever dish the staff member chooses for him.)

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again

| Anchorage, AK, USA | Liars & Scammers, Uncategorized

Customer: “I came in here yesterday and ordered a chai tea and you guys gave me a mocha. That was not what I ordered!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I apologize if somehow they got messed up.”

Customer: “Well, I want some sort of gift card or compensation. I am allergic to caffeine. It could have killed me!”

Me: “You are allergic to caffeine but you ordered a chai tea? You do realize that chai is a black tea and highly caffeinated, right?”

Customer: “I meant chocolate. I am allergic to chocolate!”

(I look down at two chocolate bars in her hand.)

Me: “Really?”

Customer: “Oh f*** you!”

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