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    Okay, That Was A Little Mean

    | Washington, D.C., USA |

    (Our store was pretty dead on this night; no one came in for at least half an hour before closing, but like good employees we kept the doors unlocked until our registers read 8 o’clock on the dot. I lock the doors, and five minutes later, a woman walks up to the door.)

    Customer: *pulls on door, notices it’s locked, pulls harder*

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed. But we’ll be open at nine tomorrow.”

    Customer: “What the h***?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we closed five minutes ago. I’m sorry, but our hours are posted.”

    Customer: “This is insane, it’s 7:59! You shouldn’t lock the doors so early.”

    Me: “Our registers show that it’s 8:07–” (I look at my watch and my cell phone) “–and I’ve got 8:08. I’m sorry, we open at nine tomorrow.”

    Customer: “I just need a few things! It won’t take long.”

    Me: “Our registers are closed, so there’s no money in them. You can come back tomorrow at nine. Even if it was 7:59, it takes more than one minute to shop and check out.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I just need a few things.”

    Me: “Fine.”

    (I unlock the doors to let her in; my coworker finishes closing the registers. The woman runs around the store for ten minutes, grabbing several things that probably could have waited until morning, and plops them down on the register.)

    Coworker: *smiles* “Did you find everything you needed?”

    Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

    Coworker: “Unfortunately, our registers have been closed for 20 minutes and I can’t ring the sale after hours. Would you like me to hold it for you until tomorrow?”

    (The customer’s jaw drops. I go to hold the door open for her.)

    Me: “We open at nine.”

    (Coworker and I high-five.)

    Was It Something I Said

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    Me: “411 Information.”

    Customer: “Wait a minute…”

    *papers rustling around*

    Customer: “I thought I had that here…”

    *long pause, more rustling*

    Customer: “Just a sec…”

    *several seconds of silence*

    Customer: “Never mind, you sound stupid.”

    *hangs up*

    Born To Offend

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”

    Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”

    Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”

    Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”

    Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, and have a nice day.”

    Woman: “LIAR!”

    The Early Bird Counts Its Chickens In The Bush

    | Oregon, USA |

    (My boss spent 35 years in the Army, and it shows.  He is famous for quoting motivational posters.)

    Boss, to camper: “I understand your concern, ma’am, but sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk.”

    Camper: “I just wanted to transfer campsites.”

    Boss: “Understood. But sometimes it takes a village, right?”

    Camper, to me: “Can I speak with someone who isn’t on crack?”

    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2

    | London, UK |

    (A customer comes to the counter to borrow a DVD, I go into the back and get the one he wants, and all seems normal…)

    Me: “May I have your card?”

    Customer: *presents a bank card*

    Me: “I mean your library card.”

    Customer: “You mean I can’t buy it?”

    Me: “No, you can only borrow from a library. ¬†You can buy DVDs in the shop around the corner.

    Customer: “Oh…. so I can’t buy it here? I have to borrow it?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Customer: “I wanted to buy it.”

    Me: “You can only buy it from shops. Are you a member of the library?

    Customer: “No, I wanted to buy this DVD.”

    Me: “You can’t buy things here, you can only borrow things when you’re a member.”

    (By this point there is quite a long queue behind him, so I ring the bell for assistance.)

    Customer: “What’s that bell for? Is it for getting a copy I can buy?”

    Me: “No, it’s to get assistance for the other readers. ¬†If you’d like to buy a DVD, I’d strongly suggest you go elsewhere. ”

    Customer: “So I can’t buy it?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: *pauses* “Oh… I wanted to buy it.” (After one more pause, he finally leaves.)

    Related:
    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition
    I Think She Wants A Discount


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