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    A-B-C, Easy As D-U-H

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    Customer: “Hey, can you help me find this book?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (He holds up a piece of paper with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on the shelves and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Thanks! How’d you do that so fast?”

    Me: “Well, I’ve worked here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order by author’s name.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A’s before B’s?”

    (He looks confused, but then widens his eyes.)

    Customer: “The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song was just to remember them all!”

    Reaching New Heights Of Stupidity

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (I am on the beginner chairlift with two of my adult students.)

    Customer: “So, when does the mountain close?”

    Me: “We stay open until there is no snow left. This year, the guess is late April.”

    Customer: “So, it’s open past daylight-savings time?”

    Me: “Yes, it is. How is daylight-savings time related to the mountain being open?”

    Customer: “Well, with that extra hour of sunlight, the snow must melt extra fast!”

    A Major Problem With A Minor Request

    | Brooklyn, NY, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [bookstore]!”

    Caller: “Hi, I have to do a project where I read to kids and they respond. Do you have that?”

    Me: “You need a book to read to them? Sure! We have plenty of children’s books.”

    Caller: “No, I need to read to kids and have them respond.”

    Me: “Right, we have plenty of books you could chose from to read to them.”

    Caller: “No, I need to read to kids and have them respond.”

    Me: “So what exactly is it that you need from us?”

    Caller: “Can I do that there?”

    Me: “Well, we don’t provide the children.”

    Caller: *disappointed* “Oh, okay. Bye.”

    Much A-Brew About Nothing

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (A customer orders a Nestea iced tea, the label of which covers most of the midsection of the bottle.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “I’ll have you know that this iced tea is a ripoff.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “Well, I hardly drank any, and the tea is already down to the bottom!”

    (He points to the tea visible at the bottom of the bottle.)

    Customer: “This is an outrage! I demand a refund or a refill.”

    Me: “Sir, just because you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.”

    Customer: “What the h*** is that supposed to mean?”

    Me: “It means that the rest of the tea is hidden by the label.”

    Customer: “Oh. Thanks.”

    Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Maps

    | Brookfield, IL, USA |

    (Two customers are in my line to buy some bottle water. I can clearly tell from their accents that they are from another country.)

    Me: “That will be five dollars, please. And may I ask where are you from?”

    Customer: “Sure mate. We are from Scotland.”

    Me: “Oh, nice. I hope you enjoy your visit to America–”

    (A teenage kid nearby overhears us and interrupts.)

    Teenage kid: “You better, seeing how we saved your a** in the Korean War!” *storms off*

    (My two customers exchange glances, shake their heads, and look back at me)

    Customer: “I love America.”

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