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    But Is It Fully Armed And Operational?

    , | Birmingham, UK | Geeks Rule

    Customer: “Hi there, I was wondering if you could help me?”

    Me: “Of course. What are you after?”

    Customer: “Well, my son is a huge Star Wars fan and he really wants one of those Lightsabers.”

    Me: “Not a problem, we have plenty of them. Was there any particular one you were after.”

    Customer: “Do you have one of the ones that come out of the handle?”

    Me: “We have several pop-out ones, they also make a sound.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (They walk off and pick some of the different designs up and walk back to me.)

    Customer: “Hi again.”

    Me: “Did you find one?”

    Customer: “Not the one that he wants.”

    Me: “Well we also have some better ones in the window, would you like to see?”

    Customer: “Yes, please”

    (I get a prop Lightsaber out of the window and show it to them.)

    Customer: “Hmm, it doesn’t seem to be the right one.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, that’s all we really do.”

    Customer: “So you don’t do the one that cuts things?”

    Me: “Erm, the ones that cut things?”

    Customer: “You know, the ones from the movies.”

    Me, giving up: “Erm… you could try the Entertainer, they should do them.”

    Customer: “Brilliant, thanks very much.”

    (If this wasn’t bad enough, it’s happened about 3 times in the past year.)

    Ah, Love/Hate Relationships

    , | Rolla, MO, USA |

    (A customer calls our restaurant over a supposed sandwich issue…)

    Customer: “Yeah, I think someone spit or drooled in my sandwich.”

    Me: “Oh? I’m sorry to hear that sir. Did you see the employee spit in your sandwich?”

    Customer: “It was the guy with the green hair. Well, I think. My fiancee saw him do it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Bring the sandwich in and we’ll replace it or issue you a refund.”

    Customer: “I can’t. My fiancee told me what she saw after we ate our sandwiches.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Store policy requires for you to return a portion of the item purchased.”

    Customer: “But he spit in it!”

    Me: “Are you sure that the sandwich is what you should be concerned about? I mean, she did let you eat the whole thing.”

    Customer: *click*

    Case In Point

    | Battle Creek, MI, USA |

    Very pregnant girl: “I want to get my eyebrow pierced.”

    Me: “I’m not piercing you until you pop out that kid.”

    Very pregnant girl: “Why not? I have my ID, I have money!”

    Me: “You’re pregnant.”

    Very pregnant girl: “So?”

    Me: “Whatever I do to you, your baby feels. ¬†When you get pierced, your adrenaline raises and your blood sugar drops.”

    Very pregnant girl: “Well… the opposite happens to me!”

    Me: “Okay, that doesn’t make any sense, but fine. Your adrenaline drops and your blood sugar raises. It’s still affecting your kid negatively. Kinda like how you can’t drink or smoke when you’re pregnant.”

    Very pregnant girl: “My mom smoked with me and I smoked will all my kids and we’re all fine!”

    Me: “…”

    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 2

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (The store in question was very small: eight aisles, total, in a nice, easy-to-see square configuration.)

    Customer: “Where are your batteries?”

    Me: “Aisle 3.”

    Customer: “Where?”

    Me: “Aisle 3…” ¬†*points* “… just behind you.”

    Customer: “Oh. Which one is aisle three?”

    Me: “The one with the ’3′ on it, sir. ¬†In between aisles two and four.”

    Customer: “Thanks!” *wanders off into aisle 2*

    Boss: “Don’t do that again.”

    Some Questions Should Never Be Answered

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, before your photos were printed the technician noticed that they have a *ahem* content which we cannot print.”

    Customer: “This is because I was nude, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Well, that wasn’t the deciding factor in itself.”

    Customer: “Are you saying that there is something wrong with the human body? That it is obscene?”

    Me: “No, I cannot comment on that. But the use of certain… toys… in your photography did cross our line.”

    Customer: “Well? What are you going to do for me?”

    Me: “While I am forbidden to make and sell you the photos, the negatives are still yours. You can have them once you pay the processing fee.”

    Customer: “Hmmmpph! Well, you can at least tell me how I looked!”

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