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  • The Joy Of Cooking Without Opposable Thumbs

    , | Berlin, VT, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me…where is your dog cookbook section?”

    Me: “Um…dog cookbooks?”

    Customer: “Yes. Where are they located?”

    Me: “We don’t have a dog cookbook section in the store. I don’t think we have any dog cookbooks at all.”

    Customer: *stares blankly* “You can’t be serious.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, miss. I might be able to order-”


    Me: “Have you considered a nice set of dog cookware?”

    Customer: *storms out*

    You’d Better Throw In The Cars, Too

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Realtors, this is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’m interested in 734 **** Street. Could you tell me more information about it?”

    Me: “You must mean 732 **** Street?”

    Customer: “No, 734.”

    Me: “Does the house have a sign in the yard that says **** Realtors?”

    Customer: “No, but the one next door does. I figured I’d just call you guys since you sell houses.”

    Me: “Has it occurred to you that somebody probably lives in 734 **** Street?”

    Customer: “Well, yeah, but can’t you just, like…give it to me?”

    Me: “You want me to call the family and tell them that they have to leave their house because I’m selling it to you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that would be good. And can I move in by Thursday? I’m all packed.”

    (It took a good 15 minutes to explain to him that I couldn’t just sell random peoples’ homes.)

    Conspiracy Weary

    | Peterborough, NH, USA |

    (When special order books come in we call the customers, but we don’t normally say the book’s title over the phone. A man came in one day to pick up his special order – some book about 9/11.)

    Customer: “I have a complaint about my order.”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Customer: “When the woman called me, she said the title of my book in the message.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is that a problem?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, the government’s tapping my phone. I don’t want them to know that I know what they’re up to.”

    Me: “Um…Ok, sir. I’m sorry about that. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

    Customer: “Thanks.”

    Me: “…would you like a bag, sir?”

    Customer: *starts laughing* “No thanks. I’m not that paranoid!”

    You’ve Got An Honest Signature

    | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada |

    (One day, a courier came in to drop off a check. I was using one of our pens to sign it.)

    Courier: “Hey, that’s a really nice pen!”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s not bad.”

    Courier: “Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to steal it!”

    Me: “Ha – Ok…”

    Courier: “No, for real. I don’t steal things.”

    Me: “That’s…good?”

    (By now I’ve finished signing, but she isn’t leaving.)

    Courier: “My best friend once accused me of stealing her check. Her $300 check!”

    Me: “Um…that’s too bad.”

    Courier: “We aren’t friends anymore. I mean, I make that much money in a DAY! You hear me?! I drive around MILLION dollar checks. Why would I steal her stupid tiny check?”

    Me: “I don’t know…”

    Courier: “I let her move into my basement. I told her it was only $500 a month. Isn’t that a great deal? Isn’t it?!”

    Me: “Yeah, sounds good…”

    Courier: “And how does the little b**** thank me? She accuses me of stealing her money! When I can steal ANYBODY’S million dollar checks! So you know what I told her? I told her to get the F*** out of my basement!”

    Me: “…”

    Courier: “Now I hear she’s on drugs. What a winner. Not like you. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You wouldn’t accuse me of stealing, would you?”

    Me: “Um…no.”

    I Always Travel By Rocket

    | Flagstaff, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “How far are you from Las Vegas?”

    Me: “233 miles.”

    Caller: “So that’s about what, an hour, hour and a half?”

    Me: “Only if you drive about 230 miles an hour.”

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