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July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Kids Love To Wise-Crack

| United Kingdom | Family & Kids, Uncategorized

(I give activity sessions for young children at a small museum in Scotland. During one of the sessions, the children have to guess what a mystery object is – in this case, some tobacco leaves.)

Me: “So you’ve guessed it’s some leaves. Does anybody know what leaves these are? A clue is the smell.”

(The children look nonplussed, understandably.)

Me: “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t know what this is. You’re all a bit young to be allowed this. Any guesses?”

Child: “CRACK!”

Knocked It Before He Thai’d It

| St. Paul, MN, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Uncategorized

(Our store has a hot lunch station, which includes soup made in house.)

Customer: “Is there a schedule for the soups? Like, is it the same thing week after week?”

Me: “It is right here.” *pointing to this month’s soup menu*

Customer: “It seems like the soups lately have all been kind of, well, leftish fringe. All red lentils and stuff.”

(He scrutinizes the menu, muttering to himself.)

Customer: “Ha! ‘German Sausage and Potato’. That’s normal. Who knows what the h*** is in ‘Thai Curry’."

Don’t Have A Cow Man

| Canberra, Australia | Food & Drink, Top

(It is a very busy morning and I am the only one on staff. A customer cuts past the line and starts asking about soy milk quite angrily.)

Customer: “I need soy milk. I’m vegan.”

Me: “I can’t guarantee that the milk is 100% vegan, sir.”

Customer: “Show me your soy milk! Hurry up!”

(I leave the coffee machine and get one for him.)

Me: “We have [brand] soymilk. Is that okay?”

Customer: “What are the ingredients? Hurry up! I’m vegan.”

Me: “Soy juice, sir. You can read it if you want and see if it’s okay for you.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to read! You read it for me! I’m vegan!”

Me: “I don’t have time to read it for you. I’m busy serving the 10 people you pushed in front of.”

Customer: *waving bottle* “I need you to read it! I’m a vegan!”

Regular customer: “Shut the f*** up and go buy your own Soy milk then.”

Customer: “You can’t say that to me!”

(The vegan guy throws the soy on the counter and storms off.)

Me: “Thanks guys.”

Regular Customer: “Can I have a latte on light milk? You don’t have to read the ingredients. I’m pretty sure it came from a cow.”

Not Much Food For Thought

| Livonia, MI, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(I’m a hostess seating a very attractive couple and their adorable 9-month-old baby.)

Me: "Do we have anything to celebrate tonight?"

Wife: "No…well…"

Me: "Yes?"

Wife: *as if divulging a great secret* "Well, I’ve been on a cleanse since I had my baby, and I’m only allowed to eat on certain days. Today…I get to eat DINNER!"

Me: “Uhm…”

Wife: *nervous giggle*

The Ministry Of Silly Walks

| Pittsburg, CA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Top

Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where the underwear are stocked?”

(I am a fellow customer. I have no name badge, no uniform, and I have my purse hanging from my shoulder.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought you did. You walk like an employee.”

Me: “I walk…like an employee?”

Customer: “Yes, you should walk differently so people don’t confuse you.”

Me: “Like this?”

(I walk briskly for a few steps.)

Customer: “No, no, that’s why I stopped you.”

Me: “How about this?”

(I walk a little slower, stopping to look at merchandise and to examine them.)

Customer: “No, you look like you’re shelving.”

Me: “What about like this?”

(I shuffle along slowly, staring vacantly at my shoes.)

Customer: “No, you look like my son when he works. Oh dear, I guess you just can’t walk like a regular customer. You should take classes.”

(She walks way and I look five feet to my left, where an actual employee is staring, open mouthed at the scene.)

Employee: “I wonder who would teach those classes?”

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