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    Download A Brain While You’re At It

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK |

    Me: “So you want me to hook up this computer to the internet?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay! First thing’s first: where’s the modem or router so I can connect the computer to the net?”

    Customer: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “You don’t have one?”

    Customer: “I thought you could download a modem off the internet for me.”

    Pray None Of Her Patients Read This

    | Mobile, AL, USA |

    (I am installing a home security system for a new customer. All customers require a password that the monitoring service uses to verify their identity when the alarm is tripped.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. If your alarm is ever tripped, our monitoring service will call the house to make sure help is needed. We need you to select a password for when they call.”

    Customer: “Well, what password should I select?”

    Me: “It just needs to be something easy to remember.”

    Customer: “Can you suggest something?”

    Me: “Well, what do you do for a living?”

    Customer: “I’m a nurse.”

    Me: “Okay, your password could be ‘Nurse’.”

    Customer: “Hmm, I don’t know if I could remember that.”

    Stupid Customers Really S(UK)

    | Vernon Hills, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I can’t find the product I want online, but I can find it in the UK section. Can you get it here for me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we cannot do anything at the store level. You could try to order it online or try calling the UK directly.”

    Customer: “But, do they speak English over there?”

    There Must Be Something In The Water

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I’ve just asked a customer if they would like a new carafe of water.)

    Customer: “What’s a ‘carafe’?”

    Me: “In layman’s terms, its basically a water pitcher.”

    Customer: “What’s ‘layman’s terms’?”

    Me: “It’s like…dumbing down.”

    Customer: “What’s ‘dumbing down’?”

    A Not So Bitter End

    | Spokane, WA, USA | Top

    Customer: “Are you in charge of the salad bar?”

    Me: “Of course. I make sure all the food is fresh. Was something wrong?”

    Customer: “Your dressings are too sweet!”

    Me: “We buy our dressings pre-packaged, but it is possible that something went wrong somewhere along the way. Which one was it?”

    Customer: “The dressing!”

    Me: “They are all too sweet?”

    Customer: “Were you born simple? The dressing is sweet!”

    Me: “Is it red, orange, white, or brown?”

    Customer: “The brown one is too sweet!”

    Me: “That’s the balsamic vinaigrette. It shouldn’t be sweet at all, but I will pull it and put out a new container of dressing for you.”

    Customer: “Thank you! Was that so difficult?”

    (I begin to pull the only brown dressing we have and she stops me.)

    Customer: “My God, you are such an idiot! You’re pulling the wrong d*** dressing!”

    Me: “You said the brown dressing, right? I am pulling the brown dressing like you asked.”

    Customer: “Not that dressing, you idiot, this brown dressing. You are so stupid!” *points*

    Me: “You mean the chocolate pudding?”

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