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    Introducing The DK Spring Collection

    | Burlington, NC, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like two tickets for the Green Knight, please.”

    Me: “You mean the Dark Knight, ma’am?”

    Customer: “No, I mean the Green Knight! The Batman movie!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the only Batman movie currently showing is the Dark Knight.”

    Customer: “I’ve never heard of that! I don’t want to see it! Give me two for the Green Knight!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there is no such movie.”

    Customer: “Fine. We’ll go see this Dark Knight thing, then. But I just want you to know I am not pleased!”

    Thank You For Shopping At ApocalypseMart

    | Jensen Beach, FL, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (It’s Halloween, and I’m dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you needed tonight?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on.”

    Me: “Thank you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But don’t you think you took it a little too far?”

    Me: “Uh… took what too far?”

    Customer: “Well I understand that you’re supposed to be some type of vampire, but don’t you think that necklace is taking it too far?”

    Me: “Oh, that. That’s not part of my costume, I always wear that.”

    Customer: *loudly* “Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that’s just fine with me… but they shouldn’t be letting you wear that here in a public place!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Well, why shouldn’t they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I’m the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we’re gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn.”

    Customer, to one of my managers: “Aren’t you going to do anything about what she said to me?”

    Manager #1: “Yes, ma’am. As soon as you leave, we’re going to close the store.”

    Customer: “THAT’S IT?!”

    Manager #2: “Of course not, ma’am. You heard the rest of our… plans.”

    (And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)

    Doctoring Under The Influence

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (It’s St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub, and I’m serving a table with ten drunken customers.)

    Drunken table: “Hey! We need some more drinks over here! We’ve been waiting quite a while!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I get for you!”

    (They proceed to order 10 different, complex cocktail orders.)

    Me: “Great, I’ll get these into the bar as soon as possible.”

    (Five minutes later…)

    Lady at drunken table: “Hey! We’ve been waiting for our drinks! Where the h*** are they?!”

    Me: “Well, we’re pretty busy and the bar is backed up a bit. Sorry for the delay.”

    Lady at drunken table: “Well, we sure aren’t impressed with the service here. My husband is a doctor, and he’s on call tonight, so we really need our drinks served promptly!”

    Doctor at drunken table: “Yesshh, I need my drinksh right nooow!”

    Cottonballs Are In The Left Drawer

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** refill center. May I verify the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    (I hear four loud beeps as the customer pressing the buttons on his phone.)

    Me: “Sir, can you please TELL me the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

    Customer: Oh, sure…”

    (Four loud beeps again.)

    Me: “Sir, I need you to say to me the last four digits of your mobile number.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay…” *reads numbers*

    Me: “Thank you. And may I verify your zip code, please?”

    Customer: “Sure.”

    (Another five beeps come from the phone.)

    Me: *whimpers*

    Best Pet Advice, Ever

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure, what do you need?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a puppy. I need one that doesn’t grow.”

    Me: “Uh… all puppies grow.”

    Customer: “But, I need one that doesn’t.”

    Me: “Maybe a toy chihuahua? They only get to be about 7 lbs.”

    Customer: “How big are they now?”

    Me: “They’re about 4 lbs right now.”

    Customer: “BUT THAT MEANS THEY GROW!”

    Me: “Ma’am, all puppies grow.”

    Customer: “BUT I WANT ONE THAT DOESN’T.”

    Me: “Then maybe you should try Build-A-Bear.”

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