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    On The Need For Hazard Pay

    | Washington, D.C., USA |

    (A customer walks into the video rental store, clearly confused.)

    Customer: “Where can I rent some condoms?”

    Me: “… try the grocery store. We rent movies only.”

    Customer: “But, don’t you guys… umm… cater to that kind of customer?”

    Me: “Not my job to know, sir. Personally, I would never sell them here, let alone rent them.”

    Customer: “That’s because you’re a stupid Catholic who’s not going to get laid until you are married! F*** YOU AND YOUR F***ING MORALS!”

    Me: “I am going to have to ask you to leave, sir. Your behavior is unacceptable in this store.”

    (The customer suddenly grabs the fliers on the counter for the upcoming movies, throws them everywhere and then sprints out.)

    Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk

    | New York, NY, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

    Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

    Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

    (At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

    Me: “Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

    Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

    Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

    Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

    Customer: “What? NO!”

    Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

    Customer: “Then do it!”

    (I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

    Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

    Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

    Me: *puts the customer down*

    Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

    (I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

    Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

    *Prays For Baby*

    | New York, USA |

    (I work at a company that sells parts over the phone. Customers need to get us a model number so we can help them find parts.)

    Me: “The model number will be located right on the back of the TV.”

    Customer: “I can’t see the back of the TV.”

    Me: “Well, can you turn the TV around?”

    Customer: “No I can’t turn the TV around! It might fall on the baby!”

    Me: “I’m… sorry?”

    Customer: “Ugh, the baby is under the TV! If I turn it, it might fall on the baby!”

    Me: “Well, can you move the baby?”

    Customer: “Ugh, fine, I guess!”

    (She got her part and the baby survived the exchange.)

    Slightly Better Than The Answer To Life, The Universe And Everything

    | California, USA |

    Customer: “I want to buy some lottery tickets.”

    Me: “Okay. Which game, and how many?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to give away my secret plan!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t tell me what you want, I can’t sell you the appropriate ticket. I need to know what you want to get it for you.”

    (There’s a long pause during which she just blinks at me and the clerks behind me.)

    Customer: “… oh. Well, I’ll take two Super Lottos, then…”

    I’m Sorry… That You And Your Son Are Idiots

    | Columbia, MD, USA | Top

    (The night before, I called the police because of a hit and run in the parking lot of my hotel. The cops put some kid in handcuffs because of a tip I gave them. The next night the kid’s mother found me.)

    Mom: “Hey! You’re the girl Alice that was working last night!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I am.”

    Mom: “You know that the cops put handcuffs on my 16 year-old son?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I was here for that.”

    Mom: “Well, the police told me a girl named Alice told them my son wrecked that car last night. I want to know why you told them that.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am. Your son was down here talking about the car accident he was involved in last night.”

    Mom: “But the cops put him in handcuffs!”

    Me: “…”

    Mom: “My son is only 16 years old, and they put him in handcuffs and didn’t even tell me!”

    Me: “Well, what would you like me to do about that?”

    Mom: “I want you to apologize.”

    Me: “For what?”

    Mom: “For calling to police and getting my son handcuffed!”

    Me: “You want me to apologize for reporting a crime?”

    Mom: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, I’m not sorry.”

    Mom: “But the police put him in handcuffs!”

    Me: “Well, sounds like you have a problem with the police.”

    Mom: “Listen here, b****, I’m not leaving until you say you’re sorry!”

    Me: “You might be a while ma’am, because I’m not sorry!”

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