October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Purell-y Out Of His Mind

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Mmm, it smells great in here! I sure do love the coffee here at [coffee shop]!”

Me: “Well, I’m glad! Would you like a coffee then?”

Customer: “So tell me, how do you brew your coffee here? Is this your coffee making machine?”

Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

Customer: “Tell me, young woman, how does this machine work? How do you clean it?”

Me: “Well, we put coffee in these baskets, and it brews in to these pots. We clean them with–”

Customer: “Because, see, I have a fantastic business idea for you! It will be a great investment opportunity, a revolutionary way to brew coffee! I will share stock with you, if you help me!”

Me: “Sir, if you have a suggestion, your best bet would be to submit it to [company website]. I don’t control what equipment we use or how we brew coffee. Can I get you a drink?”

Customer: “Because, see, I love coffee! But my clothes are never clean! And you know that sanitizer stuff…what’s it called…Purell?”

Me: “Uhh…I guess.”

Customer: “Right! So, see…what you need to do is put the Purell in the coffee and then brew it. Then, when I drink the coffee, it will be sanitized, and when the coffee seeps out my pores, it will clean my clothes while I am wearing them! It is revolutionary!”

Me: “Sir, again, I don’t control operations here, so you need to submit this idea to our corporate office. I can’t help you.”

Customer: “It will save so much time! I have a whole system worked out. I call it ‘Pizazz.’ Would you like to be a shareholder with me? We will make so much money!”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Customer: “PIZAZZ! Don’t you get it? Pores. Clothes. Cleaning! Would anybody else that works here like to buy stock?”

Me: “Sir, I doubt it.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you so very much for your time. It will be a revolution! You are beautiful!” *wanders out the door, still rambling about his big idea*

Messianic Rejects

| Ohio, USA | Uncategorized

(I check in families to our kids’ program. An older woman approaches me with her two grandkids. I give her the form to fill out).

Me:  “Oh, ma’am, could I get your birthday? You left that line blank.”

Grandmother: “No.”

Me: “But ma’am, we need that to identify you as an adult. We can’t enter you into the computer without that information.”

Grandmother: “Would Jesus have to give his birthday?”

When Presumptions Meet Postmodernism

| Cardiff, Wales, UK | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’d like to get this DVD for my son.” *hands me a copy of Watchmen*

Me: “How old is your son, ma’am?”

Customer: “Five.”

Me: “Sorry, this film isn’t suitable for your son.”

Customer: “But it’s about superheroes! How can a film about superheroes be unsuitable for kids?”

Me: “There is a scene where one of the heroes cuts a man’s head in half with a meat cleaver.”

Customer: “What, are they thick or something? How could you put that in a kid’s film?”

She Has ‘Trouble’ Written All Over Her

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Yeah, I want to see about getting a tattoo. Can you guys do that?”

Me:  “Sure. Do you have something in particular in mind?”

Customer:  “I don’t know? Something pretty?”

Me: “Like a butterfly? A flower?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a word or something? Something that means something?  Do you have a book of words and what they mean?”

Me:  “You mean like…a dictionary?”

Neither Conspiracy Nor Coincidence Nor Concept Of Time

| Texas, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “[Restaurant], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, what time do you stop serving breakfast?”

Me: “10:30.”

Customer: “Okay, and what time does lunch start?”

Me: “10:30.”

Customer: “Well, that works out nicely, doesn’t it?”

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