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    Hmm, I Think Someone Made A Phone Call

    | Delaware | Math & Science

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like… some pine.”

    Me: “Okay. What size do you need?”

    Customer: “Oh, just a regular board.”

    Me: “No problem. But lumber comes in different sizes. What size would you like?”

    Customer: “Just a regular size.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there really isn’t a ‘regular size.’ Did you want to check and find out what size you needed?”

    Customer: “No, I just need an average size piece of wood.”

    Me: “Maybe I could show you our lumber so you could see which one looks right?”

    Customer: “Look, I just want a piece of pine! Or uh… fir. Or spruce.”

    Me: “Maybe you’re looking for 2 inch thick lumber? Or is it just 1 inch, like shelving board?”

    Customer: “No, that’s too short.”

    Me: “That’s how thick the lumber is. The shortest we carry is 6 feet. What is the board being used for?”

    Customer: “Just get me whatever everyone else uses, I guess.”

    Me: “That’s the thing. People use all different sizes. Maybe if I had some idea of what it was for, I could try to guess what you need?”

    Customer: “Why are you making this so difficult?!”

    Me: Okay… could it be 8 feet long? Maybe a 2 x 4 x 8? We have pine, spruce, and fir lumber in that size. And you mentioned all three of those, right?”

    Customer: “What does all that mean?”

    Me: “If you’re getting this for someone else, maybe you should call them. We have a phone you could use right here on the desk.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe this. Just forget it!” *storms off*

    (The customer returns 15 minutes later.)

    Customer: “Can I have a piece of 2 x 4 x 8 spruce lumber?”

    Poor, Albeit Tasty Substitutes

    | Concord, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to ***. Do you need any help finding anything?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need diapers and condoms.”

    Me: “Um, we don’t sell those here. We’re a beverage store.”

    Customer: “Oh okay, then give me some fruit roll ups and towels.”

    Decision Making Make Oggwina Confused

    | Norfolk, UK |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book in for my photo session.”

    Me: “Great, what kind of date were you looking for?”

    Customer: “June.”

    Me: “Okay, we only book up to two weeks in advance but I can put something on hold for you. What kind of day and time were you looking for?”

    Customer: “June, maybe a weekend.”

    Me: “Okay, just pick a time and date and I can get that sorted for you.”

    Customer: “I find this very unprofessional!”

    Me: “… why?”

    Customer: “You should show me what dates you have free!”

    Me: “Every date and time in June; no one else is booked in yet.”

    Customer: *glares at me*

    Me: “Do you want to have a look at the diary?”

    Customer: “Yes, I think I’d better.”

    (I bring her into the office and show her the screen with our June diary on. It is COMPLETELY blank.)

    Customer: “So what date can I have?”

    Me: “What date do you want?”

    (This goes on and on until I finally give her a random date and time.)

    The Dog Isn’t The One That Needs To Get Neutered

    | Carbondale, IL, USA |

    Me: “Animal hospital, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, you got any prostitute dogs?”

    Me: “… what, sir?”

    Caller: “Prostitute dogs, do you have them there?”

    Me: “I am not quite sure I understand what you are asking me.”

    Caller: “My dog wont stop humping my leg. Do you have any dogs that are prostitutes that he could hump?”

    Me: “Sir, those don’t exist.”

    Caller: “How do I get him to stop humping me, then?”

    Me: “You could get him neutered. That sometimes helps.”

    Caller: “F*** NO! I ain’t choppin’ his balls off!”

    Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you.”

    Caller: “That’s bull***t. I am going to find me a prostitute dog somewhere else!” *click*

    It’s Your Fault That It’s My Fault

    , | Braintree, MA, USA |

    (This customer shows up at the store to pick up two rugs she had supposedly ordered, but I am unable to find them.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I am having some trouble finding your rugs in the store. Did somebody give you a claim check or receipt when you bought the rugs?”

    Customer: “No I ordered them over the phone.”

    Manager: “Okay ma’am, we are going to need some proof of your purchase because we can’t find the rugs you ordered.”

    Customer: “WHAT? I don’t have time for this!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, do you remember what day you ordered the rugs or who you spoke to?”

    Customer: “Oh, it was sometime last week. I don’t remember who I spoke to. Can’t you just get my rugs for me?”

    Manager: I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t have any records of you ever ordering rugs from us. If you could wait just a moment I could check the system again and see if anything comes up.”

    Customer: “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!”

    Manager: “Okay, we’re going to go upstairs and check our records a final time.”

    Customer: *keeps yelling as we walk away*

    (As we search for her rugs, she leaves the store. A little while later, she calls the store back.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi! I called earlier about some rugs I ordered. I actually ordered them from another store. I’m surprised that you didn’t know that!”

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