Rich Has Checked Out

| Michigan, USA | Funny Names, Uncategorized

(This is an independent bank with only four loan officers.)

Me: “Here’s you receipt. Are you all set?”

Customer: “I need to speak with my loan officer for a minute.”

Me: “Okay, that’s Joe. Let me check if he’s available.”

Customer: “No! Rich is my loan officer.”

Me: “No, Joe is. He talked to you last week, remember? Tall guy with a moustache?”

Customer: “Rich has been my loan officer for eight years. I want to speak with him!”

Me: “Rich died three years ago.”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “So, I’ll get Joe?’”

Customer: “Right, Joe.”

Time Waits For No Ham

| Pittsburgh, PA,USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(I work at a gas station that offers made-to-order sandwiches. A customer uses a computer to place their order and gets an order number that is called once their sandwich is made).

Customer: “I’m here for my ham sandwich.”

Me: “Okay. What is your order number?”

Customer: “Here, it’s 433. I know I’m a few minutes late.”

Me: “Sir, that order was ready three hours ago. We threw it away when it sat for half an hour.”

Customer: “But it’s only 4:40. It has only been 7 minutes.”

Me: “That is your order number, not the time you are suppose to pick up your order.”

Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why the time didn’t have the dots between the hour and minutes!”

Driving All Night Will Burn Rubber

| New Brunswick, Canada | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

(A couple in a car comes through the drive through.)

Me: “Hello, [Store Name], may I take your order?”

Customer: “Do you know of anywhere around here that is open at this time of night, and sells condoms?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, everything is closed.”

Customer: “Alright, thanks.”

(The customer drives away, and comes back 15 minutes later.)

Me: “Hello, [Store Name], may I take your order?”

Customer: “Hi, could I have a blueberry muffin wrapped in lots and lots of plastic wrap?”

Stupid Customers Come With A Sign

| Staten Island, NY, USA | Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

(I notice a customer standing in our fish department examining the turtle tank.)

Me: “Hello. Do you need help sir?”

Customer: “Oh, I was just looking at your turtles. I have some at home and I’ve been wanting to put goldfish in with them. Can I do that?”

Me: “You can, but turtles will usually eat goldfish.”

(He looks genuinely upset at this fact.)

Customer: “Oh. Well can’t I just put a sign in the tank that says ‘Don’t Eat The Goldfish’ so the turtles will know?”

Me: “Sir, turtles can’t read.”

Customer: “They can’t?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Hmm. Well, that’s upsetting.”

Spewing Obnoxious Gases

| Sandy, UT, USA | At The Checkout, Math & Science, Uncategorized

(I’m putting an item in a customer’s plastic bag after ringing them out.)

Customer #1: “Uhm… could you maybe use that bag for somebody who wants to kill the environment?”

Me: “Yeah, I think I can.”

(I turn to the next customer in line.)

Me: “Do you want to kill the environment?”

Customer #2: “Yes!”

Me: “A bag it is.”

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