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    One Gets You High Speed, The Other Just Gets You High

    | Iceland |

    Coworker: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need LSD for my son. You have that, right?”

    Coworker: “Uh?”

    Customer: “You know, that high speed internet thing…”

    Coworker: *trying not to laugh* “You mean DSL?”

    Hopefully, She Got The House

    | Rhode Island, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

    Guest: “Hi, yes, I’m calling because your hotel charged our credit card twice?”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, if I can have your name, I’ll look you up in the computer and we can get this straightened out.”

    Guest: *morphs into an uber-witch in 3 seconds flat* “Straightened out? D**n right you’re going to get this straightened out! You charged enough for that crappy little room, I’ll be d**ned if we’re paying for it twice! My husband works too hard for his money to be charged double for something like this! There wasn’t even a BAR there!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but if I can just have your name and the date you stayed–”

    Guest: “That’s just IT! I was charged on two separate DATES. My name is _______ and my husband and I stayed there on June 9th. There’s another charge on there for the 17th, I want this fixed!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I understand, ma’am. I’m looking now, ma’am… okay, I see the problem. You did stay here on the 9th of June. I’m showing that someone by the name of [husband] stayed on the 17th.”

    (There’s dead silence for a moment, and then whispering.)

    Guest: “What?”

    (At this point my stomach falls into my shoes, because I can hear her mind ticking away, and I know something she doesn’t: another name is listed on the screen with her husband’s for the June 17th stay, and it’s NOT HERS.)

    Me: “Um… ma’am?”

    Guest: “I see. You’ve been very helpful.”

    Me: “Thank you ma’am. Can I help you with anything else today–”

    (At this moment the woman drops the phone but does not hang up, and I hear her begin to scream at someone, swearing in combos I never would have thought up. I hang up quickly and try to go about my business, making a note of it to tell my boss. Then I get another phone call…)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how–”

    Guest’s husband: “I want to talk to your manager, you stupid little b**ch! You dumb little c**t, you probably just cost me my marriage and I am going to sue your s**thole hotel for every penny it’s worth! Do you hear me? Do you?!”

    Me: *click*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Sorry I Asked

    | Gorham, ME, USA | Top

    (I notice an older woman and her twenty-something long-haired son struggling to find a certain brush in our hair care aisle.)

    Me: “Can I help you with anything?”

    Mother: “Help me? Help ME? The only way you could help me is to make my Fabio son over here stop dating thirteen year old girls!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    He Does Have A Good Point

    , | Munising, MI, USA |

    (A man walks through the service door into the kitchen of the restaurant. I work the drive-thru, right next to the service door.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Man: “Hi, I’d like to order some food.”

    Me: “Um, I think you went in the wrong door, sir.”

    Man: “No, I didn’t. That door says ‘service’ on it.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to go up front to the dining room.”

    Man: “Can’t you just take my order here?”

    Me: “Um, I suppose…”

    (I take his order, make his drink, and the cooks make his food. I hand it to him.)

    Man: “Thanks! I’ll be sure to come back!”

    Me: “Can you use the main door next time?”

    Man: “Why? I got such good service through the service door!”

    (As soon as he leaves, the cooks and I burst out laughing.)

    Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

    | Honolulu, HI, USA |

    (Standing in line behind a tourist, while she is getting rung up.)

    Cashier: “Aloha, how are you today?”

    Tourist: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Could you talk in English please?”

    Cashier: “Hello, how are you today?”

    Tourist: “Fine, we just flew here from America today.”

    (The cashier rings up the tourist’s few items.)

    Cashier: “That will be twenty five dollars and eighty five cents.”

    Tourist: “Do you take American money here? I only have American money. I have not been able to get to the currency exchange yet.”

    Cashier: “Ma’am, we are in the United States. We take dollars here.”

    Tourist: “Oh really? You take this money?” *holds up her $20 bill*

    Cashier: “Yes, ma’am, those are dollars, and being a US state we do accept those.”

    Tourist: “Well that’s very nice of you to accept foreign money.”

    Cashier: *puzzled* “Mahalo, have a great day!”

    Tourist: *under her breath* “I told her I didn’t speak Spanish!”

    Related:
    Brown-Skinned Savage, I Come From Distant Shores


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