Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Unlimited Food, Limited Intelligence

    | Delaware, USA |

    (I’ve just served the customers their unlimited salad bowl…)

    Customer: “Well, where’s my salad?”

    Me: “The bowl on the table is for everyone to share. That’s why I brought everyone their own salad plates.”

    Customer: “Yes, but where is my bowl of salad? Don’t I get my own?”

    Me: “Well, it’s supposed to be served family style where everyone eats from the same bowl.”

    Customer: “So, they are trying to cheat me out of my salad.”

    Me: “Well, it’s an unlimited salad bowl so you get unlimited free refills.”

    Customer: *turns to his wife* “See, that’s where they get you. There’s always a catch…”

    Me: “Just let me know if you need more salad…”

    With Thought, Care And Testosterone

    | Rockaway Beach, OR, USA |

    Female Conference Attendee: “Where’s the cook? This food is amazing, and I want to give my regards to the cook.”

    Me: “That’s great to hear – if you wait a moment, I’ll get him out of the back.”

    (I return with the cook.)

    Me: “This is ****, and he is our head cook.”

    Attendee: *looking behind the head cook* “No, seriously – where’s the cook? I need to talk with her.”

    Cook: “Ma’am, I am the cook. How can I help you?”

    Attendee: *looking askance* “You are NOT the cook. You cannot BE the cook. The food here is so wonderful, so full of love – it MUST be cooked by a woman.”

    Cook: “All right, you caught us. The real cook has her day off today. We’ll thank her when she gets back tomorrow.”

    Attendee: “Yes, you will.” *muttering as she walks away* “Men who cook…sheesh.”

    Pre-Pre-Pre-School

    | California, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Good afternoon, this is **** School.”

    Caller: “Hi, I need to see if I can get my son into your school?”

    Me: “All right, that’s easy. Come over anytime next week, when we’ll be taking applications.”

    Caller: “Can you fax it to me?”

    Me: “No, I can’t, but you can print it out from our website, along with all the information there. Is that Ok?”

    Caller: “Yeah…”

    Me: “We only accept applicants for 7th through 9th grade from this school district, just to let you know.”

    Caller: “Oh, what is your district?”

    Me: “**** high school district.”

    Caller: “Oh, where is that?”

    Me: “**** and its neighboring cities.”

    Caller: “Oh. That’s where we’re moving.”

    Me: “You don’t live in the district?”

    Caller: “No, we live in New Jersey. We’re going to move to California so my son can go there.”

    Me: “…ma’am, I’m afraid that you need to live within the district to put in an application.”

    Caller: “Yes, we’re moving there.”

    Me: “You need to be in the district when you put in the application.”

    Caller: “When are applications due?”

    Me: “They’re due the third week of January through the second week of February.”

    Caller: “Oh. We’re not moving for a little while.”

    Me: “Yes…you need a copy of a gas or electricity bill so we can verify your address is in the district. If I may ask, ma’am, what grade is your son in?”

    Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t go to school.”

    Me: “…”

    Caller: “My son will be one year old in a few weeks!”

    Paint By Dumbers

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    (I work in the crafts department of a very large retail store. A customer walks over and hands me a small bottle of white craft paint.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, is this white paint?”

    Me: “…yes.”

    Customer: “Oh. How can you tell what color it is?”

    Me: “The bottle is see-through. The color you see on the bottle is the actual paint.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. I’m sorry. I’ve never done crafts before.”

    Me: “That’s fine, I understand.”

    Customer: “So, how do I use this? Is the brush inside the bottle?”

    Me: “No…you have to buy the brush separately.”

    Customer: “So it’s not in there?”

    Me: “No. Paint brushes are a lot bigger than that bottle.”

    (I show her where the paint brushes are and help her pick one out.)

    Customer: “So…I just, like…brush the paint on what I want to paint?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s the general idea.”

    Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 1

    | Birmingham, AL, USA |

    Me: “Good Morning, my name is Leroy. May I have your name please?”

    Customer: “That stupid computer doesn’t understand a word I am saying! I hate computers!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for any problems you had sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Are you a computer? You sound like a d*** computer!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Well I’m part computer sir, my mother was a computer.”

    Customer: “You’re part computer?”

    Me: “Yes sir, I am a cyborg.”

    Customer: “F***ing cyborgs!” *click*

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